time to be ruthless!

[Kate21]

So I've now been through several relapses of my illness and I feel like I've got to the 'I'm done with this' stage. This happens every time I get ill I get to a point where I feel like I've wasted enough of my life. I get to a stage where I have to be so ruthless with myself and tell myself 'your being ridiculous and it has to stop now' does anyone else get this? I know it's easier said than done but I feel like now I've forced myself to do things I can make myself better. The waiting list for therapy is so long that you just can't wait and it's now or never.
I started a college course last week and I was terrified but I did it anyway and have been pushing my limits ever since. I've had the hardest 2 weeks of my life and as much as advice on here has saved me alot it's that last realisation that I want to enjoy my life and that has pushed me on. I guess I'm just posting this to let you all know i have a positive for once :-)

[paula lynne]

Hi Kate x
Its great youve started college! Well done, I know its daunting, but you are being pro-active, and thats a great attitude to have. You are feeling the fear, and doing it anyway.
Praise yourself for all your achievements, however small. Dont beat yourself up on days when things dont go to plan.
Keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zone.....you are doing really well, great news! :D

[M155anthr0p3]

Go Kate!!!!!!!!!!!! xxx

[KayleighJane]

massive well done kate, you just keep doing what your doing its great :yesyes:

[Kate21]

Thanks guys! :-) xxx
I also thought I'd mention I have recently started using 'moodgym' that online therapy thing. Is anyone else using it? I'm trying to keep in mind what it says about questioning your negative thoughts and challenging them, I think this is helping a bit too. x

[Mr.Jitters]

Well done on starting college.

I can totally sympathise with the "I'm done with this!" attitude. I should have started college last week, and couldn't make it. Last night, after some ridiculous anxiety, I had the same epiphany, and made myself do it today. It takes a lot of strength to do it, and certainly a strength of character to keep on doing it, you should be proud of yourself. I hope I can be as strong as you are!

How do you find moodgym? I've just finished the panic center's free CBT course and was looking at moodgym, wondering.

[Kate21]

Well done on getting to college today! :-)
Yes I hope I can keep my positiveness going and that you can too. I think I'll struggle when things arn't going well not to blow things out of proportion but I guess it will take practice.
Moodgym seems to be ok I have just done the 2nd week. It is making me realise things about my negative thinking and that I might be wrong sometimes, but I'm finding it difficult to question my obsessive thoughts because I still think I have reason to think them even though people tell me I don't.
Does that even make sense? :-D x

[Mr.Jitters]

Makes complete sense to me. I guess it takes practice to put it behind us once and for all. After all, anxiety related disorders are behavioural disorders. While we have negative memories and reactions, that's what we'll keep falling back on. In time, we'll build up enough positive memories and reactions, and will be able to fall back on them, instead.

I'm sure we can all expect some hiccups on the road to recovery. People are always assuring me that this is a good thing, as it can make us stronger. I'm not convinced yet, lol. But anyone who has the strength to begin recovery has the strength to overcome setbacks. Try to hold on to that.

Will give moodgym a look, would be good to consolidate what I've picked up already and hammer it home some more.

[Bill]

Kate:hugs:
It sounds like you're doing really well and you've adopted a great attitude towards life.

Something I'm curious about is this...

It is making me realise things about my negative thinking and that I might be wrong sometimes, but I'm finding it difficult to question my obsessive thoughts because I still think I have reason to think them even though people tell me I don't.
Does that even make sense? :-D x

There is always a reason behind thoughts whether they are thoughts about cream cakes or whether they're intrusive thoughts that won't leave us alone. Any negative thoughts are created by our fear of something. When we're feeling worried, anxious and stressed, our minds will always create thoughts based on our fears. It's a bit like when we dream at night. If there's something troubling us, the mind will often put whatever is in the form of a dream or nightmare, even if it appears nothing like whatever it is that's troubling us. For instance, if we have dreams about being chased, it's often a sign that we're feeling stressed by something in our lives that is making us feel the need to escape from our feelings that the stress is creating.

So what I'm wondering is, if we know the reason behind our obsessive thoughts, i.e. that they are being created by our fears, then why do we need to question them? Wouldn't it be better to try and "ignore" the thoughts as just being part of our fears, just as you wouldn't dwell on a thought about a cream cake?

My thinking is if we stop to question our negative thoughts, we're then dwelling on thoughts that frighten us so we'll keep worrying about them and therefore keep feeling anxious.

If I've misunderstood what you're saying I apologise.:flowers: It's just made me curious.:hugs:

[Kate21]

While we have negative memories and reactions, that's what we'll keep falling back on. In time, we'll build up enough positive memories and reactions, and will be able to fall back on them, instead.
I really like this idea I'm going to keep this in mind. I want to have good memories again and to do that I have to get out and do things, which is hard but I guess I have to put this into practice and push myself. It's exhausting though. x

[Kate21]

Kate:hugs:
It sounds like you're doing really well and you've adopted a great attitude towards life.

Something I'm curious about is this...

It is making me realise things about my negative thinking and that I might be wrong sometimes, but I'm finding it difficult to question my obsessive thoughts because I still think I have reason to think them even though people tell me I don't.
Does that even make sense? :-D x

There is always a reason behind thoughts whether they are thoughts about cream cakes or whether they're intrusive thoughts that won't leave us alone. Any negative thoughts are created by our fear of something. When we're feeling worried, anxious and stressed, our minds will always create thoughts based on our fears. It's a bit like when we dream at night. If there's something troubling us, the mind will often put whatever is in the form of a dream or nightmare, even if it appears nothing like whatever it is that's troubling us. For instance, if we have dreams about being chased, it's often a sign that we're feeling stressed by something in our lives that is making us feel the need to escape from our feelings that the stress is creating.

So what I'm wondering is, if we know the reason behind our obsessive thoughts, i.e. that they are being created by our fears, then why do we need to question them? Wouldn't it be better to try and "ignore" the thoughts as just being part of our fears, just as you wouldn't dwell on a thought about a cream cake?

My thinking is if we stop to question our negative thoughts, we're then dwelling on thoughts that frighten us so we'll keep worrying about them and therefore keep feeling anxious.

If I've misunderstood what you're saying I apologise.:flowers: It's just made me curious.:hugs:
Hi bill, firstly I completely agree about our feelings in our dreams. I often dream about the sea and lakes and am usually overwhelmed by it and frightened but then occasionally the sea is calm and nice this is clearly about my emotions.
Yes I think I understand what your saying about ignoring the thoughts. I wish it was that easy and I'm sure with practice you can achieve it. The only reason I say I am questioning the thoughts is because it tells me to do this on the online therapy thing (moodgym) I'm not sure if the questioning part is part of CBT, does anyone know? but I think to question them is to admit to yourself that you are aware of your fear and that you might be wrong about the fear.
So my negative thinking example would be: I worry that people are staring at me thinking negative things. so I would question myself. 'how do you know they are thinking bad things? you're not a mind reader. They might have thought you had nice hair or a nice dress on hence looking.'

The one that I am struggling with the most is my obsessive thought: I think I smell bad, people will notice, they will talk about me behind my back and I will be humiliated. at the moment I can't question this, 2 of my work friends tell me I don't smell (they know about my anxiety etc.) but I don't believe them. Maybe it's this thought I need to learn to ignore instead of question.
sorry about the long post! x

[Bill]

Thank you Kate.:hugs: I understand what it meant now and yes, they do suggest this form of questioning. I guess it's a way of confronting fear because we're then not just accepting what anxiety is making us think.

Regarding the smelling thought, you could try to learn to ignore it by perhaps reminding yourself that if you did smell, your friends would tell you or they wouldn't want to come near you. I know if I had a friend I would be honest with them because that's what friends are for. On the other hand, if you put a drop of perfume on there is no way you would smell bad because you would smell beautiful and everyone would comment how lovely your perfume is. I know that kind of avoids the issue but you would be sure to smell nice.:flowers::hugs:

[Kate21]

Thanks bill :-) I know I have to learn to trust that my friends are telling the truth but it's always in the back of my mind 'what if they'r lying to make me feel better' or if they say I smell nice (I spend a small fortune on purfume and I'm constantly changing deoderants) I think they'r being sarcastic and I actually smell bad. Then I misperceive peoples actions alot e.g opening windows, sneezing etc. and if someone even mentions the word 'smell' it makes me so paranoid and upset.
I think at the moment I can see a light at the end of tunnel for my social phobia side of things, I feel like I can work through this with the 'moodgym' programme and turn my thinking around but the whole smell thing feels like it will be with me forever. I'm hoping when I finally get proper CBT it will help this.
x