Soul destroying......

[mjh74]

Hi all,

I'm posting here once again and can't believe I'm suffering after having my life back for 6 years, no panic, no anxiety, nada....

I have been working down my Citalopram dose from 60mg over the years. I've been at 10mg for about the last year and thought I'd try the next step to 10mg every other day. I usually notice changes after about 2 or 3 weeks, this time the feelings were quite profound, feeling more emotional (in a positive way), 'cuddly' and sort of aroused (had almost forgotten that one!), anger and all the other normal feelings us humans feel. It's strange and felt like I'd been introduced to myself again. I'm sure others here have experienced similar!

Ok so all the above was great but sadly short lived. Another 2 weeks on and I was sitting at home with my feet up enjoying the TV and felt a sudden burst of adrenaline released, I had an idea what it could have been but just carried on and forgot about it. A few days later it happened again but a bit stronger this time, again I ignored it and carried on. Over the next couple of days the first panic attack hit me and I dealt with it (still not feeling disheartened). I thought this would all be part of settling to the new dose of Citalopram. Sadly things carried on getting worse so I stepped back up to 10mg daily, another 3 weeks have passed and the panics have started to cripple my life again. I used to suffer from emetophobia and it's all back as fresh and as scary as it ever was. My panicking is causing loads of stomach acid, that is causing a lot more panic and that makes me feel scared to eat. Nausea and dizzy heads are my new friends of late.

I don't think I'm back to square one (had a year out of work 6 years ago and was scared to leave my bed let alone the house), I've carried on going to work and getting the bus as I've just changed sites. I'm just worried about what to do next. I recently had to change the doctors surgery I attend as I was out of the catchment area of my previous one, I've never actually been to my new GP yet and feel a little reluctant having to pour out my life history to him/her to bring them up to speed.
I guess I'm going to have to do something before this cripples me completely, I feel so disappointed and living feels so difficult at the minute :(

[Nataliex]

Hiya just read your post and im having a similar thing to you, finally started to get a lot of things back on track after 2 years of being able to cope and then went into hospital for an operation and now it has just threw me, dizzy all the time etc I really think you should see your new gp though just so that you have it there as a back up incase you need more help. It feels really difficult having the panic back, so i know how you are feeling x

[mjh74]

Hi Nataliex,

Thanks for your reply and I'm really sorry to hear you're suffering too :(.
I think I'm going to have to make an appointment with this GP to see what they can do to help me.
One thing I guess when can say, we coped before, we can cope again! :)

[Nataliex]

Yes we did cope but the way i feel now, not quite sure how i did it. I am being referred to CBT again, last time i think that was the only thing that made me realise i could fight these panic attacks. I just feel lost right now and the thought of getting out of bed each day and facing this is frightening. I don't want it to control everything i do again, last time i didn't leave the house for over a year, i can't go through that again. I hope we can both beat this and get on with our lives x

[mjh74]

I can relate to everything that you're saying, the second I open my eyes in a morning I wait for the panic to kick in then go about trying to face the day and handle it! When this hit me 6 years ago I daren't get out of bed or eat for a few weeks, it took me months to leave the house.
Now I too feel lost and am trying to justify how I feel all day, just when I think I've got it how I feel sorted another burst comes along and I'm feeling unnerved again. I'm damned if I'm giving up though some days I feel like I could!
Hope the CBT helps you again and they get you referred soon!

x

[debs71]

Hi,

Don't give up, and don't get demoralised. This is not a failure of any kind.

I have been in both of your shoes many times over. I had a breakdown 8 years ago following depression, anxiety and panic attacks which I have battled with ever since. I started on 10mg Cipralex and had counselling for 18 weeks all those years ago, and since then, I had tried and tried to come off the Cipralex completely. Each time I tried I would feel the anxiety rising again (which I could deal with) but what I couldn't handle was the sheer terror of the panic attacks and depersonalisation. My panic attacks culminate in me passing out when they reach a peak, so I just had to go back on meds each time.

I would get so angry and frustrated that I couldn't get off them entirely.

Anyway, this year I just decided enough was enough. Anxiety had dominated my life for so long that I felt I had lost so much precious time I could never get back. I was angry and bloody minded, so I slowly...very slowly..weaned down from 10mg a day to 10mg every other day, and then to 5mg until I stopped completely. I did this over a course of months and months as in the back of my head was 'I am gonna fail'.

I have been off Cipralex for around 3 months now. Yes, I still feel anxious periodically, and yes, I have had one bad panic attack at home, and panicky feelings in public, but I just face them head on now, with self-talking, breathing techniques and distraction. My determination to stay off meds is far greater than the anxiety, and this is what gets me through it, I am convinced.

Try if you can to not see recurrence of your symptoms as a failure. Coming off meds or trying to is bound to have glitches. Try also not to pressure yourself into thinking that when you come off meds you should be free of all your symptoms. You don't have to be, and many of us are not, but as long as you can manage them successfully, you have still won.

Stay positive as positivity plays a big part in winning the battle with meds, and mjh - you do sound really positive despite your disappointment. That is great.

Just for the record, I don't think that there is anything wrong with taking meds at all. They truly were a Godsend for me. I think that I just came to a point when turning 40 this year that I needed to do it for myself.

Stay strong and you WILL get there.xxxx:hugs::yesyes::hugs::hugs:

[paula lynne]

Hi, Im sorry this has reared its ugly head again...its often when we feel good and forget we have anxiety and panic that it decides its a good time to strike! Did something happen 2/3 weeks ago to set this off? Stress/work/family etc?
Ok, youve been here before, so you will get through it again. You may be one of those people who need to be on a certain level of meds to be a ble to function, its no bad thing.

Do me a favour in the morning?
Instead of laying in bed waiting for the panic to strike (which it will if you invite it too)....AS SOON as you wake up, get in the shower, and sing really loud...or get the kettle on and hum while you wash up, notice the birds, the smell of toast, basically, try anything that will change your routine. In work, sit at a different table for lunch, talk to some new faces, take a different route home......

It already has a grip on you. The trick is to act like you DONT CARE about it. I know it sounds mad, but telling your brain you will be ok, and getting on with your day as best you can will help you recover quicker.

Keep busy. Do the boring mundane jobs youve been putting off..you know, sort your wardrobe, clean your kitchen cupboards (yuk, in my case!) haha, etc, you get my drift. Turn these chores into a pleasure by singing your head off to a long forgotten CD (this helps breathing). Eat every 2-3 hours to keep your blood sugar level (reducing the adrenaline released in your blood stream)....get some fresh air as often as you can, even sitting in your garden for half an hour.

You MUST get out of your bed IMMEDIATELY as you wake ok. Lying there gripped with the fear of "what if" is feeding this monster and making it stronger. Start to act as if you dont care. Laugh at your body when it wont co-operate and you have an off day. Pat yourself on the back when you have a good day. DONT EXPECT panic to come, and it will soon lose interest in you. Learn to use lavender, and correct breathing with a paper bag. Learn to relax. Laugh. Read the info in the left hand column on this forum to go over what you already know about panic and how it affects us.

Sorry for the long post hahaha! Hope something helps.
Im Paula, nice to know you x:)

[debs71]

I totally agree with Paula.

For morning panic attacks, getting straight up is crucial, and not allowing the panic to go into that rising mode. What you do by doing this is cut it off at the knees, before it has a chance to go full blown. As soon as you feel those panicky sensations and your heart pounding, get up, get moving, do some basic exercises, or just go and put the kettle on, get some breakfast, flick the tv on, etc....anything to distract yourself.

It sounds silly but it absolutely works.

The more you do it, the more you train your mind to block the panic.xxxx:hugs:

[mjh74]

Hi Debs and Paula,

Thank you so much for your replies!

Debs, I've read your posts from the past and you've done and are doing so well, huge congrats and thank you for your support!

And Paula, no post could ever be too long so never apologise for that and thank you for some fantastic advise!

So far, I've been practising my breathing with a panic DVD I got, chewing gum is a good friend of mine too, I'm scared of gagging when my throat tightens so there I am chewing for England (and yes I have the jaw muscles of Arnold Schwarzenegger) :roflmao:
Anything that I feel like avoiding I just do! Even if my heart is about to leap out of my chest I'll continue. Sometimes the thought of swallowing my drink as it passes down my anxious throat is a killer for me.... so I'll go and have another drink after just for good measure! lol

Some days are so tough at the minute I don't know how I make it home, my stomach, chest and throat muscles get so tense, by the end of the day they're aching so much I feel like a punch bag!

So tomorrow's strategy is, up and at 'em as soon as I wake, burnt toast, shower, smelly lavender bag (if I can find it), camomile tea, work and wrigley's gum! lol

....and if after all that I make it to the end of the day and am still standing, I'll report back! :)


HUGE Thanks again!

Mark xx

[paula lynne]

Nice one Mark..now go out there and kick its butt...:)
Let us know how you get on x (ps...pure lavender oil is available from chemists, dont sniff the synthetic stuff) x