Not sure what to do...

[cat2]

Hello,
I'm a bit lost at the moment and wanted to get some advice.
Sorry, it might be a bit long...
I'm 30 years old, married, been in the UK for 9 years and have been anxious for 5 years. (panic attacks on and off)
I try not to leave the house as I'm scared I would faint or feel ill and wouldn't be able to control/ help myself or embarrass myself or scare other people.
I've always been anxious but six years ago it all exploded.
I was on my way to work on the tube and was feeling hot and sweaty. I thought I was going to faint so I got out at the next station and bought a bottle of water. I felt I couldn't breath so I asked the staff at the tube station if I could sit down as I was feeling dizzy. They took me to their office and I sat there for a while. I was worried I'd be late for work so I thought I should make a move. Then I had this scary thought in my head, "what if something happened to me and no one could identify my body?" (strange, I know). I started to shake and felt really bad, my heart was racing. I told the woman who was with me that I was feeling weird. They called an ambulance. I thought I was going to die! They checked me over and asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital to run a few tests. I went to the hospital and after a few tests they said it was a panic attack. I went home scared thinking, what if it happens again?
Since then my life changed completely. I was scared to go to work, so I took a cab whenever I could (wasn't cheap ). I was really struggling to live.
I was living in a shared house with people I didn't know that well but it was affordable at the time. I was on my own most of the time and on the weekends I would go see my boyfriend who is now my husband. I didn't want him to know about my anxiety so I tried to hide it as much as I could.
We got married and he noticed I didn't like to leave the house much. He asked me what was wrong and I told him.
He didn't understand this problem and we have had arguments about it many times. I accepted the fact that he can't understand but it's still hard.
We moved to the countryside and it's peaceful here ,but very lonely. I don't have my family here or friends and I work from home so I feel really lonely...
When we go out (when I must), I always feel that I have to be strong and not show weakness in front of him because he doesn't understand my anxiety and I feel like an idiot.
I used to be very independant and in the last 5-6 years my self confidence has disappeard completlty...
I know he's angry with me for not trying harder. He does everything for me and I love him for that and hate myself for letting him do it.
I want to have a better relationship with him and I want to have a normal life without thinking about "what if something horrible happens" thoughts.
I tried self help books and had 2 psychologists (online), it did help a bit but then I gave up...
The thing is when I go out and do what I want despite the fear, I feel so good afterwards. It's the anxiety before and while I go out that bothers me alot. It takes too much energy to worry so much that at the end of the day I feel so tired.
I don't want to take pills because I want to be in control and want to do it myself without chemicals, I'm also scared about the side effects.
I'm scared I will never be myself again. I used to be cool, I didn't care what people thought about me. Now I'm so paranoid it's pathetic.
Sorry, I know it's a bit long...
Just thought I'd share this with you as I'm not getting any better and could use some advice.

Thanks in advance,
Cat

[Mr.Jitters]

Hi Cat,

I'm afraid I can't offer much advice, but maybe some consolation. I can completely relate to your experience with the onset of panic disorder and agoraphobia, it's very similar to my own experience. I think you've been remarkably courageous to live with these issues for so long, because let's face it - what people with anxiety disorders go through on a daily basis requires an awful lot of courage.

Have you discussed these issues with your GP? As medication isn't the only help they can provide. If it's not too personal a question, why did you give up with the self help books and psychologists if they were helping at one time? Anticipatory anxiety and low self-esteem seems to be your biggest problems, and once you know your enemy, it's easier to kill him :)

I understand that your partner might not fully understand what you go through on a daily basis, but he was your boyfriend - he's now your husband. That's a pretty good start, so please don't beat yourself up over how he may or may not be angry at you. He helps you, so he can't be that angry with you. If you stop being angry with yourself, maybe you can try to make him understand what you're going through, and try to see it through his eyes, too.

You will be yourself again. I'm currently experiencing a complete relapse into Panic Disorder and Mono/Agoraphobia after a two year break because of a series of knocks to my self confidence and a change in medication, so feel free to disregard everything I say. But I know I'll be myself again, when I stop being scared that I won't be. It's just going to take some practice again. And a lot of support while I practice.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you're feeling better soon.

Kam

[debs71]

Hi Cat,

Wow....you do have so many things going on here hun.

I totally understand your situation firstly. My first thought is that the horrible panic attack you had in such a public and busy place like the underground has scared you senseless and has impacted on you not wanting to ever be in that situation again, so led to your prefering to stay at home. I know precisely how you feel as the same happened to me some time ago when I had a big panic attack out in a public place. I didn't and couldn't leave the house, and if I tried I had to turn right back as my heart pounded and I sweated like hell and felt faint. It is awful I know, but you can overcome this.

It is great that you say that when you are able to leave the house you feel satisfaction, though it is hard when you are out ,so it is not an entirely impossible thing for you, and you do feel good for doing it, so this shows that your anxiety is not totally in control of keeping you inside of the house, and that you CAN do it. It is all about momentum hun. That is, if you can build your courage mentally to more and more leave the house, the easier it gets. Also, remember that feeling you have of satisfaction, as that is the mental encouragement you need to gain courage to do so. With anxiety so much of it is 'the thought of something' or 'what if this or that happens' rather than the actual doing it. Often we find if we make ourselves do that one thing we are scared of, when we do it, it is not as bad as we think it would be. It is our mind tricking us that we cannot do it, and building your mental confidence that all is fine when you are out.

I know this is hard. It takes time, it takes strength and it takes practice. What I mean by that, each time you make yourself/or are able to leave the house, you are winning, and your mind builds each time on that confidence of winning. When I became mildly agorophobic after my panic attack, I made myself leave the house despite my anxiety, and the more I did it, the better it got.

You CAN get out of this rut hun. You have the strength of mind to do so from what you say.

I also understand your reluctance about meds. I didn't want to start meds either, but it got to a point my panic attacks were so frequent and scary I caved in, and I did benefit from them, though there were initial side effects. I wouldn't be so bold as to advise you to see your GP about meds as I know that is a personal decision, but they are an option for you if you so wish, as they do work so well for anxiety and panic.

Don't feel guilty as far as your husband goes either. It is not your fault that you have this issue, and you are trying so hard to challenge it, even though you are anxious. It is important that he is supportive to you, but sadly many, many people, even close relatives (I have had this situation myself) find our conditions so hard to understand as they have never experienced it, and don't see it as they would a physical illness.

You were badly traumatised by your panic attack, and I am so sad for you it has impacted on you so much, but in my opinion from what you say,I am certain this is something you can break out from. You DO leave the house. TELL YOURSELF THIS. You feel bad when you do BUT YOU DO IT ANYWAY. Remind yourself of this. You can rebuild the confidence you have lost hun. You just need to convince your mind of that, and this can be done.

xxxxxx:hugs:

[paula lynne]

Im sorry you are going through such a horrible time. I can only agree with everything Deb had to say, great advice there. You really need to start making little goals now to get yourself back out there, one step at a time. Do it DESPITE the feelings, your anxiety will soon loose its power over you as you become stronger. Little steps will get you there hun.
Paula x

[cat2]

Thank you so much for your replies.
I know I must practice going out otherwise nothing will change and I will only feel worse.
I gave up on self help books because I started having more panic attacks after reading about it (ironic isn't?) but at the same time I learned a few things that helped me deal with my "what if" thoughts.
It's funny how things look so different in my head, 6 months ago I went to visit my family with my husband so we went for two weeks abroad. I was dreading it, thought I was going to faint at the airport, on the plane, when I got there and more horrible things. I felt really anxious, but luckily nothing bad happened and I was there and even went out to pubs (sill feeling anxious), but I did it.
My husband didn't understand how I could be so different (going out easily), but he didn't know how difficult it was. I also didn't want anyone to find out about my anxiety because I didn't want to worry anyone.
We got back to the UK and I thought I was all better and could go out, but nstead I felt like I hadn't achieved anything and stayed at home again.
I know I can do it, I just need to ignore these horrible thoughts.
I tried CBT with two psychologists, it did help a bit but when they asked me to practice on a daily basis I found it too hard and didn't want to disappoint them, so felt like I was wasting my money.
I know meds can help people and I think it's great but I know the thought of taking anything would stress me out even more. I went to my GP a couple of years ago and he just laughed and told me to relax... He offered meds but I said no thanks, so didn't get much help from him.
Thank you Kam, Debs and Paula. It is encouraging to know people do overcome anxiety.
I will try little steps, I know I can do it, just need to think more positive and believe in myself I guess.:)

Cat xxx