cat2
23-09-11, 00:22
Hello,
I'm a bit lost at the moment and wanted to get some advice.
Sorry, it might be a bit long...
I'm 30 years old, married, been in the UK for 9 years and have been anxious for 5 years. (panic attacks on and off)
I try not to leave the house as I'm scared I would faint or feel ill and wouldn't be able to control/ help myself or embarrass myself or scare other people.
I've always been anxious but six years ago it all exploded.
I was on my way to work on the tube and was feeling hot and sweaty. I thought I was going to faint so I got out at the next station and bought a bottle of water. I felt I couldn't breath so I asked the staff at the tube station if I could sit down as I was feeling dizzy. They took me to their office and I sat there for a while. I was worried I'd be late for work so I thought I should make a move. Then I had this scary thought in my head, "what if something happened to me and no one could identify my body?" (strange, I know). I started to shake and felt really bad, my heart was racing. I told the woman who was with me that I was feeling weird. They called an ambulance. I thought I was going to die! They checked me over and asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital to run a few tests. I went to the hospital and after a few tests they said it was a panic attack. I went home scared thinking, what if it happens again?
Since then my life changed completely. I was scared to go to work, so I took a cab whenever I could (wasn't cheap ). I was really struggling to live.
I was living in a shared house with people I didn't know that well but it was affordable at the time. I was on my own most of the time and on the weekends I would go see my boyfriend who is now my husband. I didn't want him to know about my anxiety so I tried to hide it as much as I could.
We got married and he noticed I didn't like to leave the house much. He asked me what was wrong and I told him.
He didn't understand this problem and we have had arguments about it many times. I accepted the fact that he can't understand but it's still hard.
We moved to the countryside and it's peaceful here ,but very lonely. I don't have my family here or friends and I work from home so I feel really lonely...
When we go out (when I must), I always feel that I have to be strong and not show weakness in front of him because he doesn't understand my anxiety and I feel like an idiot.
I used to be very independant and in the last 5-6 years my self confidence has disappeard completlty...
I know he's angry with me for not trying harder. He does everything for me and I love him for that and hate myself for letting him do it.
I want to have a better relationship with him and I want to have a normal life without thinking about "what if something horrible happens" thoughts.
I tried self help books and had 2 psychologists (online), it did help a bit but then I gave up...
The thing is when I go out and do what I want despite the fear, I feel so good afterwards. It's the anxiety before and while I go out that bothers me alot. It takes too much energy to worry so much that at the end of the day I feel so tired.
I don't want to take pills because I want to be in control and want to do it myself without chemicals, I'm also scared about the side effects.
I'm scared I will never be myself again. I used to be cool, I didn't care what people thought about me. Now I'm so paranoid it's pathetic.
Sorry, I know it's a bit long...
Just thought I'd share this with you as I'm not getting any better and could use some advice.
Thanks in advance,
Cat
I'm a bit lost at the moment and wanted to get some advice.
Sorry, it might be a bit long...
I'm 30 years old, married, been in the UK for 9 years and have been anxious for 5 years. (panic attacks on and off)
I try not to leave the house as I'm scared I would faint or feel ill and wouldn't be able to control/ help myself or embarrass myself or scare other people.
I've always been anxious but six years ago it all exploded.
I was on my way to work on the tube and was feeling hot and sweaty. I thought I was going to faint so I got out at the next station and bought a bottle of water. I felt I couldn't breath so I asked the staff at the tube station if I could sit down as I was feeling dizzy. They took me to their office and I sat there for a while. I was worried I'd be late for work so I thought I should make a move. Then I had this scary thought in my head, "what if something happened to me and no one could identify my body?" (strange, I know). I started to shake and felt really bad, my heart was racing. I told the woman who was with me that I was feeling weird. They called an ambulance. I thought I was going to die! They checked me over and asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital to run a few tests. I went to the hospital and after a few tests they said it was a panic attack. I went home scared thinking, what if it happens again?
Since then my life changed completely. I was scared to go to work, so I took a cab whenever I could (wasn't cheap ). I was really struggling to live.
I was living in a shared house with people I didn't know that well but it was affordable at the time. I was on my own most of the time and on the weekends I would go see my boyfriend who is now my husband. I didn't want him to know about my anxiety so I tried to hide it as much as I could.
We got married and he noticed I didn't like to leave the house much. He asked me what was wrong and I told him.
He didn't understand this problem and we have had arguments about it many times. I accepted the fact that he can't understand but it's still hard.
We moved to the countryside and it's peaceful here ,but very lonely. I don't have my family here or friends and I work from home so I feel really lonely...
When we go out (when I must), I always feel that I have to be strong and not show weakness in front of him because he doesn't understand my anxiety and I feel like an idiot.
I used to be very independant and in the last 5-6 years my self confidence has disappeard completlty...
I know he's angry with me for not trying harder. He does everything for me and I love him for that and hate myself for letting him do it.
I want to have a better relationship with him and I want to have a normal life without thinking about "what if something horrible happens" thoughts.
I tried self help books and had 2 psychologists (online), it did help a bit but then I gave up...
The thing is when I go out and do what I want despite the fear, I feel so good afterwards. It's the anxiety before and while I go out that bothers me alot. It takes too much energy to worry so much that at the end of the day I feel so tired.
I don't want to take pills because I want to be in control and want to do it myself without chemicals, I'm also scared about the side effects.
I'm scared I will never be myself again. I used to be cool, I didn't care what people thought about me. Now I'm so paranoid it's pathetic.
Sorry, I know it's a bit long...
Just thought I'd share this with you as I'm not getting any better and could use some advice.
Thanks in advance,
Cat