lior
28-09-11, 11:22
It seems some people suffer more than others.
I won an award to do my own project. The award includes funding and mentoring which so far I don't feel has been that supportive. I want to please my mentors but I've been trying so hard to get everything perfect that I've lost sight of why I'm doing the project.
Recently there was an email miscommunication so they thought I'd run off with the money. I'm hurt they thought that of me.
I mentioned that I've tried to put less pressure on myself to be perfect - I'm so young I don't have to be perfect. That contributed to them thinking I'm not doing the project any more.
Perhaps I haven't communicated it properly. How do you tell someone in a professional context that you are tortured by thoughts of self harm when a project isn't working out? That's why I need to tell myself it's ok that I'm not doing well. I cry too easily and I don't want to cry in front of them. If only crying, and not being ok, were more socially acceptable.
I have to meet with them tomorrow and prove I'm not someone who would run off with their money. I am a well meaning person. Is that enough? I don't deserve this award they gave me. They should give it to someone that can handle the pressure of doing a real life full scale project by themselves. I just feel burdened rather than given an opportunity now. I hate working alone - I need a studio where I can work together with people rather than over the internet.
Essentially, I feel that I'm not good enough, and whenever someone else says that too my confidence shatters and I can't do anything.
I won an award to do my own project. The award includes funding and mentoring which so far I don't feel has been that supportive. I want to please my mentors but I've been trying so hard to get everything perfect that I've lost sight of why I'm doing the project.
Recently there was an email miscommunication so they thought I'd run off with the money. I'm hurt they thought that of me.
I mentioned that I've tried to put less pressure on myself to be perfect - I'm so young I don't have to be perfect. That contributed to them thinking I'm not doing the project any more.
Perhaps I haven't communicated it properly. How do you tell someone in a professional context that you are tortured by thoughts of self harm when a project isn't working out? That's why I need to tell myself it's ok that I'm not doing well. I cry too easily and I don't want to cry in front of them. If only crying, and not being ok, were more socially acceptable.
I have to meet with them tomorrow and prove I'm not someone who would run off with their money. I am a well meaning person. Is that enough? I don't deserve this award they gave me. They should give it to someone that can handle the pressure of doing a real life full scale project by themselves. I just feel burdened rather than given an opportunity now. I hate working alone - I need a studio where I can work together with people rather than over the internet.
Essentially, I feel that I'm not good enough, and whenever someone else says that too my confidence shatters and I can't do anything.