Relapsing :( - Any advice/experiences?

[MarcusD]

Hi guys hope your all well. Sorry if this is a bit long and winded!

I have been a member here for a longtime but not been around for awhile. When i first got ill i came to this website and got some amazing advice which set me on my way to getting better.

I had/have agoraphobia/social phobia/depression/severe anxiety and Panic attacks. Back then it was pretty bad.

After getting advice from you great people i saw a doc, took meds and did cbt. After a long hard road i actually made a pretty decent recovery. Not a full one as i still had the anxiety and was still a bit weary of people etc but was at a good place again. I could go out again, could do things i only dreamed of doing again when i got ill.

This period lasted about 3 years or so.

Then this monday just gone i had for the first time in around 3-4 years a proper panic attack! I was trying to get to sleep then just started to feel strange. I had a seriously bad headache, started to be sick and had the feeling of stomach acid in my throat. Had pain in my chest like heartburn. My eyes started to go blurry, began to sweat, couldn't stand up without feeling uncomfortable and kept needing to go to pee. I started to worry and that set me on my way......Was up all night freaking out, having bad thoughts that i was going to die and was going right back to the start and so on.

So the next day after having no sleep and still feeling the same i asked to see if a doc could come see me. Through my illness i have never been the type to run to the doctor every 5 minutes, never rang for an ambulance or anything like that. I was asked if i could come to the doctors surgery and see someone as the home visits one was fully booked. So i said yes.

I set off to see the doc which is literally a 5min walk from my house. I was feeling as bad as bad can be, felt like i was going to pass out. Arrived and sat in the waiting area. Sweat pouring off my head.
Finally got in to see the doctor and she took my blood pressure and heartbeat then said "your fine it is just your anxiety....."

I asked her if she was sure and she said yes. It is probably a mixture of things that have set it off. Are you under severe stress?

I explain that i have a ESA medical on friday and that on thursday my sister is in court for a custody case for my 5 year old nephew.
She says it is most probably those 2 things that have set it off.

So i go home, feel a tiny bit better. Then at night time and i start to feel anxious again. Same thing happens as night before.

Then today i wake up after about 5hrs sleep and just feel so exhausted. After lying there for about 2 hours my head starts to clear and i feel a bit more normal. Sort of get a bit of confidence to go to the shop as need a few things.

When at the shop the dreaded avoid feelings come back and try and make me flee. But i know from cbt that the best thing to do is not run away. If i do that i know i will beat myself up about it. So even in severe dis-comfort i continue to get the things i need. The shop was busy so i sort of kept walking around until a check out was free. When i went to pay my hand started to tremble and the check out girl asked if i was ok. I said "yeah". Went to put my card in the card slot and it took me awhile for my hand to do it as was all over the place! Finally paid for the stuff and left. Was sweating all over the place! On the way home just felt so rough.

So this evening i have been trying hard to escape from the negative thoughts as i know that is the problem. But i just can't.

I tried to ask the ESA people if they could postpone the visit as i am a total wreck right now and they said they couldn't do it. They said that the doctor coming out would be able to take a look at you and help you while doing the medical. So i agreed. Even in the current state i think maybe it is best to get it over with. If i postpone it i will just worry about it until it is over.

So i try to go for a walk and hope it clears my head but it hasn't. I still have the constant headache/blurry vision and light headed feeling.

Has anyone else ever been in a situation like this before and if so does it mean i am going right back to the start?

Reason i ask is because things are so different now to when i first got ill. Back then i lived with my parents. But now i live alone. I really enjoy my independence. I have a gf who lives in Basingstoke but sadly today she has to go to Singapore on business for a week. My two parents also recently split up and my mum moved away from the area. So going home is not an option really. I don't really have anyone who can come check on me or get things from the shop for me where as before i did. So that is a huge worry for me and sadly is the thought that i can't escape. If i go back to the start i would be doing it alone. My gf is so busy we can only really see each other twice a week. I worry that she might cut her losses and bail if she thinks i have to go another 3 years just to get back to where i was last week.....

I know i shouldn't worry as that is the main problem. For so long i had it under-control and had a decent life compared to what i had been through before. I just can't believe that this time last week i was fine, went for a meal with my partner. Now i am a nervous wreck again!

Any help/advice would be really appreciated. And sorry it is a long message to read!

Marcus

[eva82]

Hi Marcus...first off, GOOD FOR YOU that you were able to take the advice from this forum and have 3 years of panic free living! This sounds like a bit of a small blip which you need to remember can happen without a reason. So don't over analyze why this is happening, and just let these feeling come because you and I know that although they may feel unbearable at times, they will not harm you. I have everything you have - panic/ anxiety disorder agoraphobia, ect..and you have proven that you have what it takes to overcome this. Please try to not let the fear take over! Panic lives and feeds off of our fears, so try to keep on living your life, but also take the time for your own well being. Have you tried meditation? Sometimes our brains need a break from all the negative thinking and there are websites that have free audio downloads that may help give yours a break. Don't think for a moment that all the progress you have made was in vain..you will get through this! Post as much as you need..so many of us suffers can relate to you and have experienced all your symptoms so just remember that! Take care and let us know how your feeling!

[mjh74]

Hi there Marcus,

Firstly I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling ill again. I'm in exactly the same position as you.
I've had 6 years of being panic free. My previous episode just came out of the blue and left me so scared that I daren't even leave my bedroom let alone the house, I had to take a year out of work. I lived with my folks back then and now have my own place.
About 2 months ago, as I'd been feeling so well for so long, I decided with consent from my GP that I'd try to lower the dose of meds. Over the past 3 years I've slowly tapered down to a really small dose. As there are no smaller doses I went to one tablet every other day. After about 2 weeks I started to feel all sorts of different positive feelings which is strange seeing as I'm only on such a small dose anyway. At about week 4 of this half dose, I was sitting watching TV and I had a sudden wave of dread wash over me. I ignored it, forgot about it and carried on. A few days later the same thing happened only this time it was a bit stronger, again I just let it pass by. I thought things were still ok and I suddenly began to feel reluctant to go and do my weekly shop. Got to work one day and had a full on panic attack.
3 weeks on and I've had the odd good day and some not so good days, I've not avoided doing anything so far but over the past 3 days, I've been getting waves of queeziness, blurred vision and dizziness so I've asked my boss if I can work from home today. As my phobia is the fear of vomitting, these 'new' sensations to the anxiety are feeding it so much more and I just feel dreadful.
I'm going to be making an appointment to see my new GP for the first time on Monday to see where he/she thinks I should go from here.

I was trying to think what could have started all of this again. At about the same time I started to lower my dose of meds, we had a restructure at work are we slotted into new job roles (same job, different title). I had to move sites and I'm going to have to start oncall soon. I didn't think I was bothered about any of this but I now think that I was hiding my apprehension underneath and it has probably been a big part of why I'm here again.

Luckily my boss has just rang me and is very supportive in helping me through this.

We'll get better again Marcus, we've done it before and we'll do it again. I'm pretty certain we're not back to square one and despite things feeling the same, we're in a different place now and circumstances are difference.

So huge positive wishes to you!

Mark

[Littlehelper123]

Hi, just wanna say well done for recovering - so think about that =) think about how you recovered and that you DID recover. Think of the possitives. I'm not gonna ramble on for paragraphs because theres no need =)

You can do it. You have proven to yourself once, and you can do it again!!! Heck, you've given me hope that you can come out of this.

I've just made a youtube channel for people with anxiety and panic attacks because I don't think theres enough being done to help.

its : www.youtube.com/misshelpinghannah

Its just gonna be me helping other people find similar people going through similar situations. It's just that extra support but by youtube and talking instead of writing =)

Hope you feel better soon - I am 100% sure you will hun xxx

hannah xxx

[MarcusD]

Hi there guys thanks so much for your replies i really appreciate it. The kind words mean a lot at a time like this!

I know it sounds horrible to say it but it is nice to know others are in the same boat and can read on their experiences! It makes me realise i am not alone in this!

Just thought i'd give a little update since i posted.

Didn't get much sleep last night as you can imagine as was worried about the ESA thing.
The DR visited at around 9.30am and being the nervous wreck i am i at least hope he could see that and be honest in his report. I was honest with him and answered all the questions. However when i asked if he would like to see my medical reports (my doctor and therapist had made notes confirming my illness for him) he didn't want to see them.... I guess all i can do now is wait to see what they say.

It does feel like a weight off my shoulders a little bit as the dominant thought of the past few months has finally gone. I also phoned my doctor who has arranged for me to go see a CBT therapist again. I think trying to follow the same route as before is probably a wise choice.

I will deffinatly try and give Meditation a go luv2teach as i have not tried it before. I am open to trying new things, especially ones that will help shut my brain up for awhile!

And we will get better again Mark. I always remember something i read in a book "small steps eventually lead somewhere". That was one of my key thoughts when i got ill the first time and didn't see an end. It is hard to believe that you will get through it when your in the thick of it but you do. It just takes time is all.

Thank you for the kind words Hannah. As you say it is about thinking positivley. Fear feeds the fear. I know things will be alright in the end for us both. I will look at your youtube channel, i think it is a good idea to do something like that. If it helps to get it out of the system then it is a good thing right.

Marcus

[MarcusD]

Hi again guys, hope your alright.

Just thought i would come back and give a little update as i know a lot of these stories are written and then have no ending so most of the time you see just the negative side.

So thought i'd give an update as to hopefully try and make others feel a bit better and have some hope.

I pretty much feel back to normal now!

What i think happened was i was under huge stress and my brain thought screw this and shut down. The huge panic attack i had obviously took over my thought patterns. Thinking everything negative just consumed me. Was thinking rubbish like "oh know i am back to the start", "i am going to be stuck inside forever" and so on. This just feeds the fear and makes it worse.

So i did something i remember my therapist telling me to do. On the worst days try even harder. For me that is/was the key. To say to myself "I have had enough of this, i don't want it anymore". Sort of giving myself self belief that i can beat it!
So i went to busy places, got in queues at the shops, talked to people on the street, visited my family and let them know what was happening. Doing the opposite of all the things my fear was telling me to do.
I know from experience the worst thing i could do was to retreat. To stay inside, in bed and let it fester inside my head. If you avoid things it just makes it harder on yourself.
Going for walks, listening to music when i try to sleep, writing my thoughts down and putting the severity of the feelings in a 1-10 scale. Basically trying to do everything possible to disengage my brain from the current thought process.
As the feelings start to vanish you beging to get confidence again. You start to do things which before only a day or two ago you would of thought impossible.

I don't feel 100%, still feel rough, drained and always thinking a panic attack is just a momment away. But i know i have to accept i have anxiety, you learn to live with it. And when you learn to live with it and get on with it that is when it starts to vanish.

So just try and stay positive, fight back, don't let it beat you, i was in a terrible place, and if i can do it then anyone can! Never think your alone guys as your not!

Thanks again :)

[cymraig_chris]

the recovery phase

The fact that you are relapsing proves that you have previously entered the recovery phase.

It is a rather important part of anxiety we need to understand in order to quicken the recovery process ... as we 'cure' ourselves from anxiety, we DON'T try to stop thinking about anxiety (that's impossible), we just stop doing any anxiety themed 'stuff'. If we follow this path, the anxiety symptoms and thoughts drop away (like the slow operation of a dimmer switch over the period of a few days). During this time the brain rewires itself back to a happy calm and confident 'you'.

I have heard many terms to describe the process of a temporal return of anxiety during the recovery phase. Some terms are beneficial some are detrimental.

One man's relapse is another man's setback.
One man's setback is another man's blip.
One man's blip is another man's opportunity.

I will choose to use the term setback in this description and illustrate how the term is inaccurate.

Fact: Setbacks are very good for the recovery process.

What causes a setback: Well you have been implementing good advice and experienced some initial relief, this was not false relief but actual relief, during your time of implementing the relief advice you have already deleted many anxiety ‘links’ and replaced them with calm ‘links’ within the brain. Your protection mechanisms are determined to ensure that you are kept safe and have reacted by squirting some more adrenaline into your system temporarily. Setbacks are the result of the temporary anxiety-pathways that you have created within your brain circuitry; every setback is another opportunity to remove a great number of these unnecessary pathways. Now is the time to keep proving to yourself that you do not need this overbearing protection. So what to do? ... Just keep doing the same thing you did during your previous recovery, regardless of your negative thoughts keep acting as “all is well” because it is. If you act like all is well, then all will become well and all negative thoughts and sensations will be lessened and then removed.

So what is a setback if it is not a setback?

In reality it is a 'Recovery Accelerator'.

What we are achieving here is the following.

Firstly we know that if we want truly anxiety, we don't get anxiety.

So when we choose to enter the recovery phase, our new understanding presents with two scenarios.

1) Anxiety never returns. Result = Excellent!
2) We want a setback because we know it is an great opportunity to purge huge blocks of anxiety memory 'linkages'. Result = Excellent!

If we 'pretend' that all is well during that setback, we find the following statement holds true:

The amount of anxiety 'deleted' is in direct proportion to the magnitude of the setback.

Thus, in summary ... The bigger they are, the more cerebral memory links they use, so when you ‘pretend’ all is well during that setback the more anxiety links are being deleted and overwritten with confident calm happy ones. So the bigger the setback the quicker your recovery!

It never feels like it is working at the time (that's why so many people get stuck in the cycle - we all want the gratification of instantaneous relief), there is always a time lag (the subconscious has to have some time to process your new calm reactions and feed them back to the Limbic System's Amygdale – which will calculate the new lower anxiety setting).

So as per usual the advice is, to cure anxiety, we have to ignore anxiety, and the bigger the setback, the quicker the relief. You never have to bother thinking positive or trying to fight negative thoughts, all you have to do is "do positive", the negativity will disappear as a result of the Limbic feedback loop. When that happens you'll be laughing.

[MarcusD]

Very imformative post there and i agree with pretty much all of it!

As you say you need to "do positive" that is what i meant above. Rather then sit there and fall into the old routines where i couldn't go out, couldn't speak to people, hated sunlight, turned the phone off, didn't get out of bed, ignored everyone etc i decided to throw myself into the things i was fearful of as i knew that the more you do something the less powerful it becomes.
Like the social phobia side. I just didn't like people. I know that sounds strange but i couldn't speak to them, i'd get nervous, start twitching and tell myself they must think i am a weirdo! So because of that i avoided them! But when you force yourself to do it and the more you do it the less of a deal it becomes. Where as now i have acted in a few films surrounded by people and they will tell you they have to shut me up from talking! I can now sit in a football stadium surrounded by people and not care so much about them. I don't sit there thinking they are all looking at me where as before i did. I still have the anxiety, i still feel weary, sometimes light headed and sweaty. But i know it won't harm me. I know i won't die. I just accept it and try and enjoy the situation!

I am sure in my life i will have many relapses. But the key i have found is as i said continue on as normal. Don't retreat. Even though you feel terrible and want to go home just stick at it. Get tough and fight back.

Nothing lasts forever and anxiety is no different :)