View Full Version : heartbroken, urge to self-harm, scared
allergyphobia
03-10-11, 16:52
i'm really scared, i have never felt like this before.
i am utterly cut up about the end of my relationship, and i feel like i want to hurt myself. sometimes being dramatic i have said that before but never meant it.
i am at work and for the past 2 hours i have been digging my fingernails hard into my hands and arms.
i'm scared to go home, i'm really scared.
please somebody help x
ElizabethJane
03-10-11, 16:58
If you feel like sh then I think that you need professional help tbh Is there someone you can call? EJ
oh sweetheart :ohmy:
now then come here get cuddle :hugs:......and let us folk here comfort eh?
You have struggled and won all this year . fact . huge achievement young lady .
But You are still vulnerable of course you are . It takes time and you have been shaken to your core . But still standing .
dont do NOT give in to harming yourself ..distract ......ring friends ,Samaritans .......walk walk .......you are bigger than this demon on your shoulder . you are stronger than you think :hugs:
You are grieving ..............it is horrible horrible ..........just say to yourself one day at a time . It is all we have when you think about it .
baby steps one foot in front of the other .hold my hand and pm me if you think I can help .
big deep breath lady .........cold water splash on face and neck.....and visualise the life that is rightfully yours with a partner who will love you and not play mind games . He is out there . Honest :yesyes:
now no cutting tonight if you can distract . and ring for help if it gets too bad .
promise me xxxx
xxxxx
---------- Post added at 18:40 ---------- Previous post was at 18:37 ----------
oh sweetheart :ohmy:
now then come here get cuddle :hugs:......and let us folk here comfort eh?
You have struggled and won all this year . Fact . huge achievement young lady .
But You are still vulnerable of course you are . It takes time and you have been shaken to your core . But still standing .
DO NOT give in to harming yourself ..distract ......ring friends ,Samaritans .......walk walk .......you are bigger than this demon on your shoulder . you are stronger than you think :hugs:
You are grieving ..............it is horrible horrible ..........just say to yourself one day at a time . It is all we have when you think about it .
baby steps one foot in front of the other .hold my hand and pm me if you think I can help .
big deep breath lady .........cold water splash on face and neck.....and visualise the life that is rightfully yours with a partner who will love you and not play mind games . He is out there . Honest :yesyes:
now no cutting tonight if you can distract . and ring for help if it gets too bad .
promise me xxxx
paula lynne
03-10-11, 19:15
Hello Gawjus girl x
I have self-harm issues related to my severe PMS.
What helps me is finding somewhere to scream, and I mean scream your head off.
Squeezing a ball or similar also helps.
If the feeling is overwhelming and you do put your hands on yourself, use the flat of your hand not your nails.
I agree that seeing a professional who is trained in this kind of thing is important, because this can escalate very quickly and start becoming uncontrollable. Thats because this is stemming from the end of your relationship, which is still the case, ie, the situation is still there in the morning.
Please ring the Samaritans for help asap tonight. Hold on. Im with you.
Paula xxxxxx
Deepest Blue
03-10-11, 20:19
Sending you 1000 hugs :hugs:
Thinking of you right now, I hope you're ok x x
You've come so far and done so well. This is a huge life change and it's no wonder you feel crap. I like Paula Lynne's suggestion to scream and one thing I do is to go nuts with the punch bag at the gym. I pent up all my anger so it's good to let it out.
Please don't harm yourself, you can get through this.
Lots of strength and hugs.:bighug1:
allergyphobia
03-10-11, 21:39
thank you all for your lovely words and support and for just caring when you all have your own lives to be getting on with. the screaming is an amazing idea and i'm going to order a stress ball off the internet.
i've never had these urges before, they've been on and off all evening, at points i was fine, could listen to music, cook my dinner, text my friend and be fine. then because we are still living together at the moment i'd get a flash of pain and all i could think was to pinch myself.
i am just worried, as i've never felt like this before. it is a massive life change and i hope it's just the shock and it will die down. i'm definitely going to try the screaming. i am so fed up of feeling unhappy and numb inside and horrible and crying and not wanting to sleep, and then knowing i have to go through all of this again when he eventually moves out.
MEN!
thank you. :hugs: you're all amazing, far too good for me xxx
allergyphobia
04-10-11, 11:50
i just wanted to say thanks again to all of you for all of your kind words. i have been re-reading them and they really help.
i feel a lot brighter this morning, hopefully i am starting to get some perspective and realise he is not worth me hurting myself over. i'm thinking about going for a drive after work to put on some loud music and do the screaming thing Paula!
i'm really sorry if i upset anyone with my post. i don't want to get into a bad habit with self harm and i'm hoping these feelings will pass asap.
:hugs:
paula lynne
04-10-11, 11:57
Glad you are feeling better today xxx
Enjoy your drive and if the police stop you for causing noise disturbance, tell them "Paula told me to do it!"
Ive posted about self-harm before "Help, Ive cut myself" I think it was called. Its quite graphic, but when you are going through such emotional turmoil and need help, its easy to forget whos reading the posts. Im sure you havent upset anyone hun.
Hope you continue to go from strength to strength x
Love P x:hugs:
bluesparkle
04-10-11, 11:58
hello
im not sure ive got any advice or can help but i wanted you to know we care...and also ive been in the same situation a few years back.
it was horrid, my relationship broke down and we had to live together for 4 weeks and it was really really hard.
it is awful and you feel like you will never get over it but you will hun.
i relied on nmp and everyone got me through. i have had a few relationship break ups but not like that it was absolutely soul destroying but concentrate on you, put you first at all times.
ive read back some of my posts and i cant believe that was me.
i have my life back now and you will to.
we are all here for you.
rach
x
you never upset any one
you have never upset anyone in your life
pleased things are looking better for you
god bless
Anxious_gal
04-10-11, 12:09
I found this book rather good> http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0425172287/ref=oss_product
The urge to help harm is normal, its just you are wanting to escape the emotional pain, the act of self harm can be a distraction as well as almost validating your pain through the blood and scaring.
Wanting to do it and doing are too different things.
How in control you will be, is another matter. Once you start the cutting it can be very hard to stop, sometimes you may not be aware of how much damage you have done until you calm down.
So stay safe.
Draw on your skin with a red marker, break some plates, throw some egg shells into the bathtub, scream, turn on the music really loud, getting your anger out is GOOD way better than keeping it inside, sometimes we need to release all that energy in a healthy way.
I know it sucks so bad and every second may feel very emotionally painful but I promise as the weeks go on, the good bits will last longer x
You are worth getting better, you deserve to have a happy life :)
allergyphobia
04-10-11, 16:56
Wow guys I have to say I am really overwhelmed by the replies. Thank you so much xxx.
Mishel that book looks amazing!! I am definitely going to buy that later. Reading things really helps me. I think it is very much escaping the emotional pain. I don't think I would ever really hurt myself, just pinch or hit, which I know isn't good but it isn't as bad as it could be. Again I am really sorry if this kind of language upsets anybody. i like the marker idea. i will get my big pad out and start doing some scribbling i think to get all the emotion out.
I really just want to be happy, and i have worked so hard this year I don't want to let this ruin it and crumble again. Above all I suppose I am just going to miss him a lot.
Thank you Paula. I will try to find the thread you wrote too, just to have a read.
Bluesparkle, thank you so much for your reply. I will try to find your threads too. It sounds like I'm in the exact situation...you can be my inspiration!! I hope you are happy now. I guess i have been through so much, I just feel so tired or it all, I almost can't face the reality and pain. I know I need to sit down and ask him when he is going to leave, but I don't want to as it'll be like another bullet of reality!!
And Col, thanks :hugs:
Thank you to you all. You have no idea how much getting replies really has helped me with this.
xxx
Anxious_gal
04-10-11, 18:48
aw :hugs:
They are better/more reviews over on amazon.com the American website.
I found it helpful, it didn't take away the pain but it did help me feel less crazy if that makes any sense.
I don't know about you but after my last break up I really struggled with anger and wanting to get revenge, I knew anger solves nothing but I guess when you are hurting you get really angry! Luckily I didn't go too overboard haha :)
I think we have all hit ourselves at some point, grabbing our hair or punching our leg .
I self harmed as a depressed teen, luckily I don't really have any scars, what I did was nothing in comparison to what I've seen others do.
I have self harmed every now and again, talking at least 6 months apart and it does nothing for me any more, which is a good thing :)
Sorry for such a short reply, I am half asleep x
Hope you have an even better day tomorrow :)
Take care of yourself, you deserve to be happy.:hugs:
allergyphobia
05-10-11, 11:28
i feel awful, i made a fool out of myself last night, crying in front of him and being a mess... he doesn't know what to do, he can't give me what I want... i can't be like that again, i am so embarrassed.
just the nights are so so hard, sleeping in seperate beds, every time i close my eyes i see him and i just want him by my side, holding me,
i can't cope... this is day 3...please somebody tell me it will get better soon, i cannot deal with this pain, trying to come to work etc and carry on but i am falling apart quickly, i've made myself feel so ill running on so little sleep on food......
:weep:
---------- Post added at 11:28 ---------- Previous post was at 09:22 ----------
please
You are being very, very hard on yourself.
In such a situation it is perfectly normal to be sad/angry/upset and a little irrational. Someone has hurt your feeling and I am not sure there is much worse in life tbh.
It takes time to recover from such pain, so you are allowed to feel lost and cry. You say you miss him etc but in all honesty you deserve better than being in a relationship where you are not loved equally - don't settle for second best hun!!!! You are worth soooo much more than that.
Can one of you move out ? It will be hard to start with but not seeing him will help in the long run.
Please, please don't self harm, you will regret it. The scars will be very unpleasant and will leave you with the most imaginable guilt and no man is worth that.
As the others have said Samaritans can help you as can a GP, it may be worth having a chat to discuss how you are feeling and why.
You should be proud of yourself - there is a big difference between feeling like harming yourself and actually doing it. Do you have family who can support you through this ????
You can only take one day at a time here but in time things will get better I promise.
Many years ago my marriage failed, it was the most painful experience ever and it took a long time to feel me again so I understand totally.
We are here to help you anytime at all x
Anxious_gal
05-10-11, 12:55
I must admit after breakups I am always glad I kept it together lol
But naturally there were those few times where I cried and all that and wished I hadn't.
You need to remember you are only human :) Cry is the most natural thing to do , its not something you should feel ashamed off, it's not a sign of weakness.
It won't get better as soon as you want, you are going to be hurting for a while.
But as bad as it hurts you will get through it, the pain is only Temporary it will pass.
Maybe therapy could help?
What helped me was being around people and seeing my friends.
dont cry in front of him this will get better yoiu wait and see
head up be proud your a wonderfull girl
dont let any one get you down
say a prayer it helps
god bless
bluesparkle
05-10-11, 17:07
hi hun
yes it will get better i can promise you that.
people used to tell me that and id think yeah well it wont for me,
i made a fool of myself many times in front of him but letting him go was the right thing to do.
as hard and harsh as it sounds dont beg him to stay etc.
but i do think you should agree on how long he can stay in the same house as you cannot start to mend with him there.
the mixed emotions when under the same roof are awful arent they, i really feel for you and am sending you a million :hugs:.
you are doing well i know it doesnt feel like it but you are, you are going to work and functioning day to day.
i think once he has left the house you can then start to concentrate on you, and yes it will be hard but please try and trust me it will get better.
YES i am very happy with my life now...
my threads will be on here somewhere if you get time have a read god i did some daft stuff.
anyway if you need to chat or anything you are welcome to pm me.
take care
rach
x
I split up with "the love of my life" years ago because he'd cheated on me, I gave an ultimatum and asked for no more lying and then he cheated again and lied about it. Cutting it short, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done as I loved him so much but my self-preservation and pride had started to kick in. I would have ended up in my 40's feeling unworthy and untrusting, ugly, fat and old, instead I got out and protected myself from a future of hating myself and wondering what was wrong with me.
I know your circumstances are different but you will get past this and your self worth and self preservation will kick in. I've read that you need a month for every year you've been together to recover but my experience is that I cried for 3 days and then blocked my love towards him and battled on. Everyone is different and you will recover your own way in your own time.
Please use your family and friends to help you get through this, talk to soemone you trust and get it out of your system. As previous, could you also see about living apart, as this must be making it worse.
Take care.:hugs:
AP:hugs:
You have been so kind to me recently despite what you are going through so I wanted to try and say something but whether it will help or not I honestly don't know.
the nights are so so hard, sleeping in seperate beds
We all have our reasons why relationships break down and I know it's a fact of life but every time I know it is very stressful and heartbreaking for those who get hurt. That word "hurt" is something I find very hard to inflict or cope with. For that reason I have lived in your current situation for a number of years living in pretence and at times mildly self-harming to cope with the emotional pain.
It always greaty saddens me when someone is hurting and often I feel people don't realise the treasure they hold in their grasp because they feel the grass is always greener elsewhere. Often it's only then that they realise what they had. Of course though that's not always the case and people do move on to lead much happier lives but even then I think they carry a wound with them that never really heals because of the stress that they have endured.
I feel what you are going through must be unbearable but often healing can only begin when we are free of what cannot be mended. Personally though, I have never had that strength to be able to inflict hurt and this has always been my weakness because it will mean that I will never find the happiness that you now have the opportunity to find even though I'm sure it doesn't feel like it at the moment. It is better to be free than to live in a prison without any hope and daily torment with a partner who cannot give or show the things we need so however bad you must feel at present, try to find strengh in the fact that you now have an opportunity to find lasting happiness with the man of your dreams.
I know people can't always live together but often I do feel they don't realise how lucky they are until it's too late. I often think of the man who moves from one relationship to another simply through boredom but then ends up alone because they could never be content with the loving affectionate princess they had that I will never have.
Things will work out fine for you AP. I know they will because a princess will never be left on their own for very long.:hugs:
allergyphobia
07-10-11, 00:53
i want to reply to you all properly. but i havent the strength tonight. i rang the samaritans, but they just repeat everything you say back to you as a question. which is weird. help
AP:hugs:
I just wanted to say that I used to have to talk to the samaritans too but my words always came back as questions as well. I think it's like counselling. Anyway, I also wanted to say I sincerely hope you're feeling better today. I'm thinking of you.:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:
allergyphobia
07-10-11, 09:00
thank you, i cannot cope, i have somehow managed to get to work, i want to die and nobody cares, i cannot take the pain
william wallace
07-10-11, 09:17
The fact that you have managed to get to work shows that you have amazing strength of character. There must be someone that you can turn to for help, a friend or relative, your boss, GP, a workmate? Try to concentrate on getting through another day, you can do it:hugs:
allergyphobia
07-10-11, 09:58
thank you. every one is just telling me to get a grip really. find inner strength etc.... pull myself together, he doesn't deserve me.....but he has taken it all from me....maybe i just fall harder than most.... maybe i am just feeling over emotional for the past couple of days.
honestly the thoughts i have going through my mind terrify me... i am scared to be alone later, but a big part of me wants to be
Hun, other people are reacting like this probably because they have all sorts of stuff going on intheir lives, maybe they are envious that you are now a free agent, but PLEASE REMEMBER EVERYTHING YOU ARE FEELING IS PERFECTLY NATURAL. The breakdown of a relationship is devastating.
An appt with a GP is a must I think, you do need to share your feelings about self harm, it will put your mind at rest.
As someone else has said you are stronger than you think coz you have made it to work.
Do you have family you can talk too and who can be there to help you, you need company just now and to get out the house. Lots of fresh air and talking to people who love you will really help.
Do you have any hobbies that you get bury yourself into, I have a friend who is fighting back from self harm and her coping methods are arts and crafts, everytime she feels like self harm she goes and paints or makes jewellery or cooks.
Please don't worry about later, we will all be around to help you and get you through the weekend.
Dx
bluesparkle
07-10-11, 10:16
hi
hang on in there... (i know its easy for me to say) but trust me its not worth it.
you dont need to be alone later come into chat and be with people who care.
i know i keep repeating myself but it will get better i promise you.
and you are doing well you have made it to work, you are a strong person.
just concentrate on one day at a time.
rach
x
allergyphobia
07-10-11, 15:45
i just wanted to say again thank you all so much. i want to reply more personally to you and will do later when i am not at work, i finish at 5pm and am dreading, a long evening of having nothing to do, then tomorrow he has viewings for flats and i will just be thinking, will he take them, will he like them, where will he go
i keep crying at work, i don't know what to do or who to turn to
thank you all so much x
---------- Post added at 15:45 ---------- Previous post was at 14:22 ----------
i can't do this, i am alone, i have no support system, nobody would care if i was dead
Stay strong, you're not alone.:hugs:
allergyphobia
07-10-11, 15:58
oh Hazel i have fallen to bits xxx
things like this happen every day its nasty i know but your a strong girl your beat this i know
if he stayed now every day your be thinking
will he go again and thats a life of pain
was with my wife for 8 years we had a kid to but you need to think things get better cuz thay do
i think things will get better we you both live apart and you can start again
what ever you do dont give up on life lifes worth liveing every day is a new day
say a prayer it helps
god bless
Oh love, you are so strong and you have come so far with all your problems. You will get through this but it's not easy to see when you have a broken heart.
I'm thinking of you.:)
allergyphobia
08-10-11, 08:41
Thank you all xx
It is the lack of sleep getting me at the moment - I feel so heavy in my heart and tired in my body but my mind races, spinning, beating myself up, going over every detail.
I don't want to, but I can't switch it off. I am racing from hysterically crying to being numb and okay, but it's just the lack of sleep really getting to me...
i am staying with a friend tonight though which will be good. then he is going away on monday until the following wednesday as he has decided he needs time off work... then he will move out that next weekend. so i have time to get used to the place without him, and then not long after that he will be gone, which will help me to start to move forward.
because it's so painful and messy it's going to be a complete split, no texting, no meeting up - a clean break, and i think that is almost what i am grieving for, the loss of my best friend too.
thank you for all being here :hugs:
william wallace
08-10-11, 09:06
Morning AP, a girlie night in with your friend should be good for you, and hopefully distract you from your troubles for a wee while. Have a good one, WW:)
well sweetie i think ur behaviour is perfectly normal at this time. he is hurting too but moving out will help both of you.
have a fun night tonight an d remember we are here at every stage so don't worry you are not alone.
Big hugs and you deserve to be loved 100% no half measures just because you suffer anxiety!!!!!!
bluesparkle
08-10-11, 11:30
hi
how are you doing today?
i think a compleate break no texting etc is a good thing (please dont hate me for saying that), i didnt and it just made the pain so much worse and last for longer. i only started to get better once we stopped contact.
also once he had gone i made the house my own, bought a few things and changed things around.
i know this isnt probably helping just now but hang in there hun you CAN do this.
at least you know when this is goin gto happen now.
and i agree how you are feeling and reacting is perfectly natural it is like grieving.
have a good time tonight and try to relax a little, you will be safe with your friend.
and like others have said remember we are here for you.
sending you some :hugs:
rach
x
allergyphobia
10-10-11, 12:07
thank you all for everything. as is to be expected i suppose i am still struggling very badly. he is going abroad tomorrow for a week so we will have no contact and i won't even know where he is. then he will get back and within 2 days he will have his stuff out and he will be gone.
i feel as though he has died, he has been snatched away from me and everything we built together, hopes and dreams of a future have gone. i am broken, very very low. i am at work today, i was trying to be positive but it is so very hard.
the shock and fear of him going away is really kicking in, i am so so scared for him to be away from me...how will i ever cope...
:weep:
You can cope, just get through one day at a time. :hugs:
Hun I really feel for you. You will cope, it may seem odd at first but soon you will have house the way you want it, no man mess around etc.
Do you have family around to support you ? Don't look to far into the future coz none of know what the future holds and its the stuff we worry about that turns out well.
This next week are going to be tough but hang on in there you will be happy again one day, I promisex
allergyphobia
10-10-11, 14:27
thank you both :hugs:
my parents live abroad and my sister lives about an hour and a half away which is tough. i am going to stay with her this weekend though to get out and also just have a cuddle and not cry hysterically but just be able to cry and be sad without having to pretend i am okay.
i just wish i could feel stable... a sort of constant ache i could deal with but it is the terrifying sudden feeling of dread and tears, wanting to call him then stopping myself because what's the point. i bet everybody thinks i am being so dramatic. i feel like i am annoying the few friends i have, but i feel so lonely, i don't know how people live alone with not many friends, how do they live like that, i have no choice now :weep:
---------- Post added at 14:27 ---------- Previous post was at 14:04 ----------
the urge to S-H by a way to manage/control the pain is also still very intense but i am resisting.
bluesparkle
10-10-11, 15:44
hi
no we dont think you are being dramatic...
it hurts really hurts and we understand ...
you are doing really well going to work etc...
you hang on in there hun.this will pass.
im glad you are going to your sisters for the week end.
you are never alone we are here for you.
rach
x
william wallace
10-10-11, 15:45
Glad to hear that you are resisting the urge to hurt yourself AP. Cyber hug on it's way:hugs:from a wrinkly auld Scotsman....
allergyphobia
10-10-11, 17:08
Thank you for understanding. I wish i could erase his email address from my brain so I had no way of contacting him. I feel so let down, confused, beating myself up and I just want it all to STOP to think of nothing. I am trying to talk to people and do as much as possible but I am exhausted, but terrifying of being alone.
I know I shouldn't look to the future, but I think - who is ever going to want me? I can't even go for a meal out at night for a date, who would ever accept me with all my flaws. I'll be alone forever after this, so lonely and my few friends will slip away, i Know it.
I am losing hope - why am i so weak??
x
---------- Post added at 17:08 ---------- Previous post was at 17:07 ----------
Thanks William every hug makes it 100x better right now :hugs:
Dizzy_Dave
10-10-11, 17:35
Thank you for understanding. I wish i could erase his email address from my brain so I had no way of contacting him. I feel so let down, confused, beating myself up and I just want it all to STOP to think of nothing. I am trying to talk to people and do as much as possible but I am exhausted, but terrifying of being alone.
I know I shouldn't look to the future, but I think - who is ever going to want me? I can't even go for a meal out at night for a date, who would ever accept me with all my flaws. I'll be alone forever after this, so lonely and my few friends will slip away, i Know it.
I am losing hope - why am i so weak??
x
---------- Post added at 17:08 ---------- Previous post was at 17:07 ----------
Thanks William every hug makes it 100x better right now :hugs:
You sound like me. What's the definition of an empty hall? A annual agoraphobics/social phobics meeting :yahoo:
allergyphobia
11-10-11, 08:25
well, he has gone... he just walked away... off to america for a week of soul searching then he's back to move out.
i feel so alone.
oh Sweetie, I wish we could do more to help you but please be assured that in time you will feel better. There is nothing worse that losing a loved one no matter what the circumstances.
This is the lowest point, take a day at a time, don't expect too much from yourself and in time you will feel stronger I promise you that. Many of us have been where you and understand totally.
Try to keep as busy as possible and shre with us your feelings, please don't bottle it all up that won't help at all.
bluesparkle
11-10-11, 09:26
hi
just sending some :hugs: your way.
ditzy girl is right this is the lowest point. now start building yourself back up, it will be slow and you may fall back but you CAN do this and we will do all we can to help you.
i think the distance will help a little as mine only moved down the road and that was terrible seeing him go past etc.
i know its easy to say now but do things just for you ... especially this week, plan little treats for you, and if you are having a bad day and need to stop to cry then do it.
i get all emotional when i reply to you because i have been there and can feel your pain but i would not lie to you it does get easier, i just wish i could do something to help.
i enjoy life now...now i never thought id say that.
we are here for you and you just keep talking ok.
rach
x
allergyphobia
11-10-11, 09:54
:hugs::hugs:
Thank you.
You are both so so kind to me. I feel like I am annoying myself saying the same things over and over, but I do feel so lost and I suppose it's going to take me a long while to adjust... I feel like I've been walking in a bubble for a week and a half, nothing seems quite real, I'm aware life is going on but I have no idea how I've got through it.
I'm going to try to find the energy to clean up the flat tonight, and get a bit of food in... i just feel vacant i think is the word... i don't know where to go, what to do, what to say to anybody apart from how bad i feel... it's all i can think about
i see no way forward... we had moved into a flat my parents own, i can't afford to stay there on my own but i can't imagine a houseshare with all my food phobias and yet living alone terrifies me, i am in this awful mess, i hate my job... i just don't know what to do anymore :weep:
i know i will sort things out one thing at a time and nothing anybody can say or do will make it easier... but having you on here just to get my feelings out helps so much... being able to re-read people's advice again and again to try and make it stick in my head.
Thank you all for your support, so so much :hugs:
I am going to make a suggestion, you are worrying about allsort of big things here and many of these things have a habit of working themselves out in time.
Is there any way you can go and visit your parents for a bit. I think you need some time out too and share your concerns etc with your parents. Apart from the shock and pain of recovering from the relationship breakdown there are some pretty big hurdles to overcome but right now you need love and support. And your parents will want to look after you and look out for you.
Some years ago I was left with a house that my then b/f and I bought and it needed a lot of work. To cut a long story short we split and although I kept the house it was in hell of a state, he started jobs and never finished them, there was no way I could sell. A month after we split I went on holiday with my parents, they had booked a cottage in scotland and there was room for me. The break and change of four walls was just what I needed. And I discovered another way of life, surrounded by friendsly people, beautiful scenery and a slower pace of life.
I slowly did the house up the best I could. It was so hard and so worrying on my own. I was so unhappy.
But in the end I decided to sell the house, I got it to a point where it was worth selling and made a life changing decision. I eventually moved to a place that I had discovered on the holiday with my parents.
What I am trying to say is you need all the love and support you can get just now and the rest of the probs can be unravelled one step at a time.
I hope this is helping hun, most things happen for a reason and something better will be around the corner. I can't tell you what or when but baby steps and you will one day be happy and smiling againx
---------- Post added at 15:01 ---------- Previous post was at 15:00 ----------
Oh and when ur buying food later I insist you buy yourself some flowers, some nice shower gel or bubble bath are essential to spoil urself xxx
:hugs:Look after yourself and take care.
allergyphobia
11-10-11, 22:54
thanks all for continuing to care :hugs:
i couldn't face the supermarket because after i ate my lunch at work i felt extremely sick straight away and had a bad stomach, it was horrible. i felt really shaky and out of it, and then all my old anxiety about food started to come fleeting in my mind. luckily, i didn't resort to a 'coping' mechanism of taking an anti-histamine but just rode it out and put it down to stress which i am really proud of.
thank you for sharing your story with me ditzy (and you too earlier hazel) i'm sorry i have been all over the place with this thread but all these words and experiences have helped me so much.
the reason i don't want to go and see my parents is because they live in a very isolated place where i think all i would have to do is time to think over and over. today i came home and hoovered the lounge and hall and took down pictures and straightened things around. it felt okay, i put on the radio and didnt feel too sad or bad..
it's when i stop and think, oh my god, he is in America, across an ocean, what is he doing, what is he thinking? in a way though, i see why he has left. i already feel a mental distance between us - this has been the first day with completely no contact and i intent to maintain it the whole time he is away. he will then come back to collect his things which i should have packed up for him by then. i am just hoping the progress i make this week won't be shattered by him returning...
it sounds like you have all been through very hard times. it makes me think, i need to try and be easier on myself, accept things are going to be tough and i am going to feel lost for a while. i do have people luckily i can talk to and also see, even if it isn't every minute of every day... i need to learn to stand on my own two feet.
this isn't going to get easier for a long while, i know that. there is no point in contacting or reaching out to him... he's left, he didn't treat me right and he doesn't deserve me. i must keep remembering this.
i am going to have an acupuncture session on monday to try and boost my energy and keep my spirits up.
thank you all so much for being here. i am going to read my book now and try and not think about him!!! hmmmm..
love AP xx
---------- Post added at 22:54 ---------- Previous post was at 22:54 ----------
oh and tomorrow i am DEFINITELY buying flowers :)
allergyphobia
12-10-11, 13:43
tonight i am looking at a new flat just to see what is out there. on the way home, i'm going to buy some flowers and get some nice comforting chips for tea, and then my friend is coming over for a cuppa and watch some tele. things could be worse :hugs:i could be in america all on my own and 'finding myself', whatever that means!!!
You're doing well, take one day at a time.:hugs:
Well I think you are doing really, really well, I love the idea of flowers, a femine touch, comfort chips and time with a friend etc.
Of course you do realise something - sometimes in fact most of the time, the worry of what you have to face is way worse than the reality.
From your words tonight I think you are more prepared and ready for the reality of all this than you think. And I think you both knew it was over and that has caused all the problems.
I think, in time you will enjoy your freedom and the new challenges you will face. Whilst I say my time doing my old house up was hard and worrying, would I change anything ????
No because I know I can stand on my own two feet even with anxiety. That is just a part of who I am, it runs in my family.
You are about to move into a very exciting part of your life - you'll seexxx
bluesparkle
12-10-11, 22:58
well done :yesyes:
you are doing really well . just remember little steps and go easy on yourself.
rach
x
i need to try and be easier on myself, accept things are going to be tough and i am going to feel lost for a while. i do have people luckily i can talk to and also see,
AP:hugs:
In a way I can relate with what you've said because in whatever way we lose someone close to us, we still feel lost because our whole life changes. Just as you say, be easy on yourself, give yourself time, be patient and focus on one day at a time. With the support of your friends, you'll gradually adjust and move on with your life. We cannot avoid storms or the rains they cause to flow but storms do always pass and the sun will always shine once more if we keep going, especially for a lovely person like you. Just take one day at a time and just do what you feel like doing.:hugs:
I've just posted the following for AP on one of my threads in the Misc section but I then thought I'd come back here and edit this post to include this because it's for all AP's friends who looking after her on here and in her life because after all, I feel thanks should be given to "the rarest" who are caring and helping "the" rarest...
The rarest
When times are bleak and all hope feels lost,
It is difficult to find help free of cost,
We flounder and wallow through thick trees,
Without aim or purpose, no assistance or guidance,
Yet from the darkness, bright lights appear,
That show love and kindness to dry our tears,
Who provide support for our struggle through,
With comforting words said by so very few,
For we live, and one day we all die,
Yet with our precious angels somehow we survive,
Til our time is up,
And the end is abrupt,
Yet through a lifetime, our lives cross,
Special people appear when all feels lost,
Through difficult times, they help us climb tall walls,
For they are indeed our angels, our rarest friends of all:hugs:
allergyphobia
13-10-11, 16:54
Bill that is so very sweet of you, thank you very much :). It's great you can be so creative as an outlet for your thoughts. I love writing, too!
This afternoon I have felt pretty low. I'm on the third day of no contact and I miss him terribly, that awful feeling of dread in my stomach. I refuse to contact him as I know it will achieve nothing but make me worse. It's just devastating... I am trying to keep as busy as possible.
The night he left i cleared out the lounge and cleaned a little, however last night I felt too ill but I saw a flat (which was just plain awful!)
I am dreading him coming back to collect his stuff.. i think i will try to stay elsewhere so I don't see him and go back to square one, even though we need to discuss things like furniture, tying up bills etc... i cannot bare the thought of seeing or speaking to him... how conflicted is that!
thank you all for being here. i feel very low this afternoon with a constant ache that nothing will fill, only time i know.
:hugs:
william wallace
13-10-11, 17:14
Best I can offer is a:hugs:
allergyphobia
13-10-11, 22:57
thanks william. a hug will be marvellous :)
That reminds me of something I've posted before...
Often the most important things in life can't be found in a shop or bought because they can only be found within a persons soul and given freely by one person to another asking for nothing in return other than to simply be loved.:hugs:
Living in a lonely world
A budding rose tentatively opens in a cold world,
Unsure in the environment if it’s safe to unfurl,
A buzzing honeybee hovers hurriedly by,
Nervously looking for a place to hide,
Flitting birds anxiously flock across the sky,
Eyes constantly scanning the ground as they fly,
A troubled hedgehog scampers across the lawn,
Attempting to find the comfort received when born,
Horses neigh as they uneasily graze,
Galloping around agitated as if afraid,
A mouse with whiskers tensely twitching,
Hiding from the cat that coldly stares whilst sitting,
In a hostile world where we live in fear,
With rivers streaming to lakes of tears,
People cocooned in the safety of their shells,
Avoiding the daily torments of the outside hell,
All hoping to find a comfort they seek,
When all around is dark and bleak,
Surrounded by silence in a lonely bed,
Tortured anxious thoughts within their head,
Trapped by feelings of frailty,
In a world covered with fields of beauty,
So desperately craving support by their side,
Vulnerable and alone whilst creatures hurry by,
Needing love, a simple hug, yet so elusive to find!:hugs:
allergyphobia
14-10-11, 14:33
thank you bill.
nothing fills the void, i feel so empty, there's a million and one things i want to say to him and all of them are pointless.
i don't know how to go on. day 4 no contact.
x
Oh hun, hang on in there, you have done brilliantly this week. Ups and downs that are perfectly natural.
Reading between the lines here your heart is breaking but your head is telling you the truth. Stick with it hun, you sooo deserve to loved 100% and treated well.
What plans do you have for the weekend ?
allergyphobia
14-10-11, 15:08
thankyou for getting back to me. you are so lovely. i feel like i am self obsessed and driving everyone around the bend.
in my head i have just tried to accept that he didn't treat me right but my heart wants him to call me and say he will do everything in his power to put things right. my head knows it is too late and my head wants to start healing, but my heart wants him to reach out and for me to hold on.
how can i be so conflicted?
i feel all week i've been saying make it to the weekend, make it to the weekend - why? it's just another couple of days, another day to get through that leads to another day of feeling like this.
tonight i am seeing a friend for a cuppa and then home to try and sleep this awful mood off... then tomorrow i am off to see my sister. she didn't like my ex as she thought he treated me badly and i just hope she doesn't go on about that but just holds my hands and says i will get through this. we've got shopping planned and x factor then a roast on sunday and i'm going to come back on monday... buy some new cushions, pictures and duvet cover and when i get back start putting all his stuff into boxes so when he gets back on wednesday he sees i have been proactive instead of moping around... do you think that's a good idea?
i hope you have a lovely weekend too xx
Hun you are being hard on yourself. As with grief there is no time limit on a broken heart.
I think your weekend sounds fab, can you buy some new clothes or make up ?
you need to spoil yourself just now.
Packing his stuff is going to be hard but in all honesty I think you will be relieved once its done. You only have a few more days then his stuff will be gone and this sounds harsh but I think you will find it quite therapeutic. This is the worse its going to feel.
You really have done very well so far and so here is wishing you a great weekend ahead and we are around to help you anytime x
allergyphobia
19-10-11, 11:37
hello all x x
just a quick update to say i am still surviving!
the past week has been a mixed bag, up and down with a lot of tears and pain. But each day that goes by the pain gets slightly more bareable.
I have not spoken to him for 9 days now.
He returns from America tomorrow and I am dreading it. For the past two days I have been focusing on how badly he treated me and how he has completely shown his true colours with not a single message from him to see if I am okay - I was a complete mess before he left, is not in the least bit concerned about me?
He is a troubled boy and I use the term boy because that is what he is - he has run away from his own problems where as I have stayed living my life, carrying on and facing the reality - he will get a shock when he gets back!
I really wish he had moved out before he left, I feel he has taken the mick out of me, because now I have to see him again. When I see him tomorrow I will tell him he is not allowed to stay at the flat. He can pack his things and be out on Saturday but can stay with friends - I will not have him under my roof.
Thank you for all of the support you have given me. I am not sure where I would be without this forum. I miss him terribly but I miss the version I have created of him in my head - he doesn't exist!
:hugs:
OMG Get you chick!!!!
You are the most amazing person, is this the same girl from last week?
I am smiling here as I re-read your latest post. I dont mean your ex any harm at all but I do want you to be happy, safe and loved.
You are being incredibly brave, strong and logical.
I hope you are really, really proud of yourself for how you are looking at this and the decisions you have made. All these things will really help you in the long term - honestly!!!!
I will be around on and off tomorrow so please feel free to make contact if you need a little support wehn seeing him. It's always hard seeing an ex for the first time after a break up but in my experience a surreal experience because you are seeing him now for his true colours.
Hang on in there sweetie girl, this does get easier and you have done the hard bit.
bluesparkle
19-10-11, 14:54
oh wow!
look how far you have come in a few days, well done you :yesyes:
you will eventually stop counting the days trust me.
i know tomorrow wont be easy but hang on to what you have written here, we are here for you and im totally convinced you can do this.
rach
x
william wallace
20-10-11, 07:18
Go girl:)
allergyphobia
22-10-11, 09:15
Well he's gone... I'm not quite sure how I feel. Maybe a bit relieved, maybe a bit dead inside. Saying goodbye was awful... he wants us to keep seeing each other but I know I will never let him go if we do that so I said we could when I know I can't... it just seemed nicer to say I would.
He said maybe one day he will get better and he can win me back. Too little, too late.
I don't think I believe he's actually gone... think i'll clear up the flat now and then it's onwards and upwards. I know nobody probably cares I just feel better for getting my thoughts out of my head.
One day at a time.
william wallace
22-10-11, 09:18
Of course we care, eight pages says it all. Well done you:hugs:
allergyphobia
22-10-11, 09:26
Thank you William (maybe my lengthy ramblings are to blame)
Time for a cuppa I think... got no plans all weekend so this is going to be a toughie.
:hugs:
william wallace
22-10-11, 09:55
Between you and me AP, I have allergies as well. Fish, Brazil nuts, starch, oil of any kind.
I'm exposed to most of them all of the time because I work in the oil industry, and I spend a lot of my spare time fishing for pike. Gloves are a part of my everyday life.
Anyway lass, you have a good weekend, keep yourself busy, and it wont be long before some hansome young dude is asking for your digits:)
We care more than you know. You have had a very traumatic few weeks and you have handled it with dignity.
I have to say I admire both of you, he is facing up to his issues and you have self belief and dignity.
Why don't you compomise on meeting up. Meet somewhere mutual in one month from now. Each day you will get stronger and meeting will be kind of therapeutic, you will see him in a crystal clear light.
For now though take a day at a time and soon things will be a little better.
We are here for you every step of the way x
allergyphobia
22-10-11, 10:53
Wow William you are so brave that you carry on living your life and your hobbies inspite of your allergies! That's inspirational to me!
Thank you so much for your amazing advice as usual ditzy. I really hope that he can face up to his issues, it makes me sad he didn't want my help to do so, though he says he doesn't want me to give up on him but knows he can't ask me to wait.
I think what you say might be a good idea. A lot can change in a month, it could be closure or it could be seeing that maybe one day things could work out.
I just wish he had stayed, but at the same time, I see why he has gone... he thinks too much has happened, too much for him to face - but maybe one day he will be brave enough and we can face it all together.
I think i'm taking it one minute at a time at the moment! Ridiculous but true... baby steps.
Thank you x
You're doing well, take care.:hugs:
allergyphobia
22-10-11, 19:41
Thank you Hazel... night's are the worst :hugs:
You're strong and capable, it's not easy but it will get better. :hugs:
allergyphobia
25-10-11, 10:44
Thank you :hugs:
Well i am still here... things are happening, I am going to work, I am eating, I am seeing friends. But every single thing feels like an excuse to fill the time, a way to keep my mind occupied... I do have the ability to enjoy these things but when I leave the activity I feel like all I've been doing is trying to distract myself.
I went to the cinema yesterday and did enjoy it... but after I came home all I wanted was for him to be there. We are e-mailing on and off, never me first but I always find myself replying because I care so much. He regrets this situation immensely but always says "we could never be together, too much has happened"... whereas I believe is something is meant to be, it will be.
I'm wondering if I should try and go no contact again for a while and work on myself until I meet him in a couple of weeks... what do you think? I feel a bit lost at the moment, ups and downs x x x
Oh hun , you are doing sooo well, and things will feel very strange for a while. It is very early days for you to get used to a different, new part of your life.
Do you think he is contacting you again out of guilt or is he hedging his bets. He isn't sure what he wants so wants to keep you dangling?????
You are going to have good days and bad days and it sounds today as if you are just having a blip. You know he hasn't treated you very well so be honest. What is your greatest fear - going back to being not well treated or a fear of what the future holds???
Maybe he has issues or excuses I can't tell you but only time is going to solve any of this. I hate the thought that you are hanging on to his emails in hope he will come back , if that is the case you need to stop contact NOW!!!
In my experience being alone and single is better than being unhappy and unloved - that just drains your self esteem.
Maybe you need to write a list of the goods and the bads about him and your relationship then write a list of what you would like for YOU. How close are the lists ???
keep strong sweetie you are doing really well and we are here for you anytime xxx
Hi :)
Ditzy says everything so well and I just want to agree with her lovely words and send you a hug :hugs:
snowx
Ditzy has good advice, make sure you also look after yourself. It's a short sharp shock to have the separation with no contact, or drag it on in hope. It's not fair of him to keep contacting you & giving you hope if he wants the split. :hugs:
Anxious_gal
26-10-11, 06:10
Hey I hope you are doing ok :hugs:
I was just wondering if you got that sense of being very much alone? It's hard to explain, just this terrible feeling of loneliness that's almost painful.....
Do you find that lots of things remind you of him?
But it does get better and I find making New memories help xx
allergyphobia
26-10-11, 11:48
Ahh my lovelies you are all so amazing to me. You are probably thinking oh my gosh get a grip by now!!
ditzy xxx. I think it might be a combination, I think he is used to being in constant contact, i think he feels guilty for hurting me and i think he does want me 'dangling' and not moving on.
i do not think i could be with him for a long time after how much he has hurt me - and i wish that knowledge would stop the want/hurt... it's strange isn't it? he wants to see me tomorrow but i haven't responded, what good can it do.
time will definitely heal. i think until he has found a flat, he will feel 'unstable' and long for the security/stability he had with me. i don't think reality has hit him yet, he is living at home (hours away) at the weekends and at hotels in the week whilst he is working. so he's not 'living' really... until he does that i don't think he will realise he has lost me.
i have tried to cut down contact as i really agree with what you have said. i do know he is not coming back though.
i'm definitely going to write a list.. he made me so unhappy at the end and feel so bad about myself i need to remember that.
i am scared for the future, scared of how my phobias effect my life and i have lost my safe person. at the moment i still can't manage a formal dinner, how would i date? how would i explain all my anxieties to a new person. i don't know.
thanks snow and hazel :hugs:
mishel yes i have an overwhelming feeling of being alone and also feel isolated. he was the one person i confided in about my phobias and problems and now that has gone. it's very painful.
everything reminds me of him, as we lived together and i am still living there. when i get home i imagine his car being there. programmes, food, places... it all reminds me at the moment.
going away this weekend to my friends and hoping it's more successful than my last trip to see my sister! we'll be keeping busy and there will be a few tests for me like lunch out and my friends mum cooking us dinner etc.
hope you are well, thanks for staying with me xxx
Nobody who has been through a break up will tell you to "get a grip", we know what it's like. You will get through in your own time.
Stay strong.:hugs:
Sweetie, as the others say, we, who really care, would never tell you to get a grip. Nothing is more painful or hard to deal than when we are hurt by another person.
Losing someones love under any circumstances is hard and a personal journey. There are no rights or wrongs or time limits in your recovery.
You are being incredibly strong and sensible so stick to your guns, what's meant to be will be.
Dont worry about dating etc at the moment, I really think in time things will improve for you. Maybe some therapy will help, but you will know when you are ready. Any new man you meet who really cares will respect your situation and with love, kindness and support who knows what the future holds.
Just remember, 1-4 of the population at any one time suffers some kind of anxiety related illness!!!!! The chances are you will meet someone in time who will understand and feel the same as you do anyway.
No one can predict what the future holds for you, but please believe that there is a happier life out there.
As I and others keep saying, we are here for you every step of the way xxxx
allergyphobia
27-10-11, 11:00
You all continue to be amazing :hugs:
It's so nice checking in here and seeing people care.
As of today I have decided to go no contact. For these past couple of weeks I've focused on how he is feeling, is he okay, will he e-mail... and every time he does it's all about himself, how he is so sad and lost, blah blah.
Well it's time to be strong and say no more. What will be will be, I'm not going to waste my time waiting for somebody who clearly doesn't want me...
Yes it's hard and awful and i'm not going to get over him any time soon, but seeing friends, taking one day at a time and realising talking to him will only make it worse is what has got to push me forward...
Hopefully today is the start of more positive days for me. I've got the day off work tomorrow and off to spend a great weekend with my friend and I can't wait :)
Hope you all have a lovely weekend :flowers: xxx
i think your doing the right thing
you been strong well done
god bless
allergyphobia
27-10-11, 11:18
Thank you Col I think I am doing the right thing too. I think it's the only way I will let go and be strong on my own x
M155anthr0p3
27-10-11, 11:43
I used to SH. I have just come out of a 7 year relationship & thought that would be the first thing I would turn to. But I haven't.
I understand you need some form of release, as did I but you WILL get better. Time WILL heal you...it's an old saying but it's true. You need to focus on you now. Build yourself up & make yourself strong.
Thinking of you x
Wow, you are doing the right thing sweetie. I am so pleased to see you coming to these decisions by yourself and all it is taking is a little support from us and your friends.
One day you will find someone who truely loves you, every bit of you. Until then get out there and have a fab time, you will be surprised at what you can achieve.
He will be shocked by your decisions but that's his look out.
Onwards and Upwards for you.
Have a fabulous weekendx
allergyphobia
31-10-11, 16:26
Thank you for continuing to care :hugs:
My weekend was fantastic. I ate out for lunch twice, ate my friends mums cooking and other bits and bobs. Felt very pleased with myself even though i have discovered i am truly awful at bowling!
Life continues to tick on, but I notice a 'hollow' feeling inside. I can't help but miss him so badly, even though on the surface I am bobbing along okay. I miss our life together. I don't miss the pain though, I certainly don't miss the not knowing how he felt about me... making me cry... the unstability...
He wants us to be friends in time, I can't imagine not having him in my life at all but perhaps that's because I am holding on to the past? How could being friends ever work? We do truly care about each other.
Sorry to ramble on, it feels good to write down my thoughts.
I hope you all had a lovely weekend xxx
You're doing well. Let things happen in their own time, only you will know if you can be friends in the future. It's early days so concentrate on yourself if you can.:hugs:
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