Its time I tried breaking free from my cage

[xfilme]

My life is so boring. Well, it's not boring, its just boring without company. Ive been single now for 9 years pretty much, because my social anxiety likes to force my brain into the belief nobody nice could want me.... and Im not worthy of them anyway. I have the advantage of knowing this is not true. Im not unattractive, im intelligent, deep, interesting, independent and a pretty decent person. It sounds arrogant I know, but thats because I have a strange combination of high confidence and low self esteem. I dont go out often. I dont drink... I dont even dance... but thats because I dont enjoy those things. And oh how I detest clubbing. I want so dearly to meet a nice guy. But even when I do go out, 'the fear' gives me a cloak of invisibility.

I understand CBT, and apply it to most things in my life, but I fear that my social anxiety has made me institutionalised in my own lonley but comfortable discomfort. Ive been alone so long, I now think of all the sacrifices Id have to make if I met someone.... which I know isnt healthy. I want to change, but not enough to change. I know that sounds like I dont actually want to change, but what I mean by it, is ive had SA for such a long long long long time, that Ive learnt to function in life as if its normal to be the way I am. Which it is, if I want to remain alone... which I dont. Its a Catch 22... and it sucks. That is all.

[macc noodle]

What a powerful post xfilme.

Clearly, you are at a defining point in your life and have embraced the problem wholeheartedly and I wish you luck on taking the next step in your life.

Understanding CBT is one thing but having the courage to embrace it daily and use it as a tool to enable you to live your life the way you would wish takes hard work and dedication until it becomes the "norm."

Affirmation, which is another very useful tool when facing difficult situations, is an excellent way of getting to the next step and I can see already that you have the ability to use this to help you move forward - Im not unattractive, im intelligent, deep, interesting, independent and a pretty decent person. Do not see this as arrogance but embrace it as a positive attribute of your character and demonstrates strength and foresight.

Perhaps you need to think about this is in a slightly different way - rather than wanting to meet a guy. If you could perhaps find some hobby or interest that involved joining a club with other people who are similarly interested, this is an excellent starting point for increasing your circle of friends which in turn increases your possibility of meeting a man who likes the same sort of things as you do - which is always and excellent starting point.

Good luck - I know you can do this.

Macc Noodle

[xfilme]

Yeah I know exactly what you are saying. I use CBT a lot. Im very good with the application of it, but with social anxiety, I really can't make myself do the things I want. I try so hard. I make baby steps every time, but so far my SA has been on about a 22 year process of change. I mean, if I compare who I was to who I am, the changes I have made to myself successfully are truly phenomenal... but its been over a really large space of time.

Affirmations have always been important to me, and I use them constantly. But they can only progress you to a certain point. They are a good building block for confidence but not so effective for self esteem. My self esteem is actually pretty good these days too, by comparison. I think maybe the fear is more related to the thought of an unwanted setback... a knock to my confidence that stunts or reduces my progress.

I am very good at talking to people and I do not fear conversation. I am articulate and comprehensive, so I have no concerns there. I think the element that prevents me being free is a deep seated fear of humiliation. Its not about my character or personality, or even my looks. I dont strive to be popular either as popularity doesnt interest me. Im very individual, self assured and strong minded. Yet the anxiety far surpasses shyness. It might be a fear of peer pressure maybe? That other people wont like the fact I dont fit in, even though thats not something that would concern me, because I dont desire to.

As for your suggestion of joining a group, well Ive tried this on occasions by attempting evening courses in subjects I greatly enjoy. Every one I have quit. As I dont like the pressure of having to be somewhere. I freak out if I dont maintain my sense of freedom. As soon as Im told what to do and where to be, I feel physically claustrophobic. I am like this in a lot of areas in my life. I dont like having my control taken away. It is for this reason that I don't like TV and will not listen to the radio... it makes me too angry that Ive had a limit placed on my freedom of choice.

Social Anxiety is such a complex issue for me. I understand it sooooo well. Its a disorder Ive studied for the best part of the last two decades. I understand the psychology of it, and the roots... the belief systems that form it, the element of post traumatic stress... I understand it from a body language perspective and as an expression of confidence and esteem issues... Ive taken my life apart, found the problems and then tried to reassemble my life, my thinking, the way I am percieved, my perception of myself etc..... but every time... I end up here and no further.

I seriously have tried everything. For me its like trying to find the answer to the meaning of life.... my own equation of existence. But I just cant find any new angles to try as a new starting point.

[Ingenious]

Yes being single, especially if you think you're disadvantaged (or bored) by that does wear you down over time. I can identify with the catch 22 element too, once you're in that rut you do change to make the most of it, so getting out of that cage is not easy. I think you have identified a few barriers to change too, with SA there's the problem of not being able to get into (or function in) those situations you feel you'd need to find someone, like socialising or clubbing. However you are not alone, there are many people who don't drink, don't/won't go clubbing (I would tick all the same boxes as you), and yet are nice people and lead good lives so I think part of the fight back has to be looking at your mindset and not considering the situation to be all negative.

To give an example, I used to be crippled by the thought of being alone/single, but through CBT in particular, you can soon shoot these issues out of the water. Quite a lot of our thought processes (the negative ones) about being single are completely unfounded when you analyse them. Then, with useful, simple, practical advice like Macc Noodle's (socialising through interests, hobbies etc rather than situations that distress you like clubbing) you'll start to get back into the grove.

Having said all that, I do think some kind of dating service for sufferers of SA, anxiety and related conditions would be a great idea, since you can meet people already on the understanding you won't have to get into any situations you don't like (the fear of which often puts single people off meeting anyone new to start with).

And it's an old cliche I know, but you will find someone, somewhere, some time. It's better to wait a while and get someone good - and remember Cupid works in mysterious ways :)

[xfilme]

But I think to a certain extent, you get me wrong.... I am far from crippled from the thought of being alone. Hence my saying I have become more concerned by the things I would lose by HAVING a relationship? I also feel I need to point out that by no means was I being 'negative' about not diong the things that people generally do in order to socialise. I felt I made this clear by saying "I dont go out often. I dont drink... I dont even dance... but thats because I dont enjoy those things. And oh how I detest clubbing." It is not a matter of not being able to get into them. Im not feeling sorry for myself or beating myself up for not enjoying those things, and in no way am I implying that I can only meet someone if I follow that trend because thats the only kind of people to meet. I am fully aware that there are people the same as me. Hence my pointing out my social obstructions as a result of character, as opposed to just social anxiety. I am not 'unable to get into those functions', I have no desire to. I simply said it to demonstrate that it is not within my taste to use this form of social interaction. I would have preferred a suggestion of a different means of socialising to a presumption I couldnt meet a man because I didnt like clubbing and drinking booze. That wasnt what I was getting at at all.

I also stated that Ive tried macc's suggestion fo groups plenty of times...? I appreciate your input, but I do wonder if you actually read my post, or speed read it and filled the gaps in with innacuracies based on your assumption of what Im saying rather than the actual words? Do you have Social Anxiety yourself?

Sorry if my response isnt what you expected. I was just a little insulted that you responded to me as if I were a victim. I was merely matter of fact about my social anxiety and stating my progression and obstacles... I felt I got in return the implication i was sat here metaphorically crying into my cornflakes about being single. im not, im concerned that im too comfortable in singledom to find a partner. theres a big difference :P I suffer from Social Anxiety, not depression.

Thank you for your input regardless.

[Ingenious]

xfilme, if you look at the post times, your reply to Macc's was written while I was responding to your original post. So although it looks like I read your reply to his and then demonstrated a complete lack of understanding, that was not the case (I certainly could not have typed out a message that long in the three minutes after your post!!). Had I seen your reply, I would not have written that post, because you have mitigated virtually every point I made, and it makes my reply look quite stupid and pointless. I should have just deleted or re-written it, but it's done now. So please don't be insulted!

However, I'll leave it there and wish you all the best.

[xfilme]

haha... ill let you off then x