Rational fear - feeling very weak.

[sketchyboots]

Hi all - I had a stomach operation due to overusing painkillers 5 years ago - it was so scary. I am stupidly still using painkillers and my stomach is hurting again somedays I can hardly walk. It is catch 22. I am in pain, i need painkillers, I take painkillers, I get in more pain....arghhhh. I am SO scared of having to go back to hospital. I have a CT scan in 2 weeks. If they want to operate again I am going to say no. I am so scared I feel sick. I am weak, I can barely do any housework, my whole body aches. I am too ashamed to let my parents help me out. My husband watches porn on the internet every night as I lay in agony after having spent the day doing housework, his washing, cooking his tea and then he wants sex when I am nearly dying of anxiety and genuine pain. My arms are aching as I type this. I so need to rest but I keep needing to get up and go out to get prescriptions, shopping etc. My dad offered to come round but I am sitting here with house in mess, bath with spiders in, I am too scared to get them out. I am supposed to be starting an Alpha course at local church tommorrow. My mother is ashamed of me deep down I know it because I take painkillers. Winter is coming, my flat is very very cold in winter, this makes me more ill. I don't have a job. I am depressed. Sometimes I have great days where I feel really lucky to NOT have to work and my flat is nice. It is the emptiness of the days and the depression of the nights. I worry about dying ALL the time - I can't live much because I am in constant pain. I am approaching 40, I feel 80. I feel I have nobody to turn to, even tho my parents are very good, I feel too embarrassed and ashamed to ask them for help. My partner is very good apart from he is a born again Christian and obsessed with Bible, but then he ends up looking at porn every night. I feel sick. Someone help me. Please. :weep:

[Anxious_gal]

I assume you have had you liver tested via a blood test for damage?
If you are not feeling well, maybe pop into your doctor.

But what if they NEED to operate? Will you get it done? You could always seek a second opinion.

Maybe you should let your parents help you, you may get more ill, if you do not, even if they are ashamed like you they still wouldn't want anything unnecessary happen to you because you were too scared to ask for help.

If he looks at porn every night maybe he has a bit of problem.....

Are you seeing any kind of pain management doctor or team?

[sketchyboots]

Thanks for reply - I did try to get help last year but was referred to a place which deals with primarily heroin and alcohol so i was WAY down on the list. I do have elevated liver enzymes due to the excessive paracetamol use. It is all self inflicted but I am genuinly in alot of pain. I think I do need some sort of professional help or counselling. My partner is really not that bad - he doesn't look at porn excessively - just now and again and it's all pretty soft stuff - I'm not too worried about it really. I reckon I just need to be doing more. I have problems with depression and a very negative thought pattern. Always have, ever since young. Really need to think more positive but when you have spent your whole life being miserable, it's pretty hard to be happy. I don't even think I like being happy - it makes me edgy. I like being super-relaxed. Painkillers help induce this state. Need to exercise more but currently back pain so bad I can't even hang the washing out. Catch 22! :shrug:

[Anxious_gal]

There's A lovely little place in Ireland, in a big house in the woods , they gave wow at least 10 staff and take on 12 people at a time, they also provide up to a year if aftercare.
Its not a hospital but does have doctors and that.
The VHI health insurance covers it here, otherwise it's 200 euros a week and you stay there for a few weeks.

I don't know if the UK would have a place like that.

So you have medical issue now which needs pain relief, you are still a person and you don't deserve to be in pain pain.
No one plans on becoming addicted, it's easily done when it comes to pain meds.
My cousin was on codeine a lot when she had cancer, she had to cone it very slow and had awful mood swings.

Men aren't really looking at those women as people, more like objects.
I never likes porn, always looks as if one of them is in pain!
But I guess it could just be his way of relaxing and winding down.

Its always a good sign if he wants to be more intemit with you .

You sound like your in pain, tires, worn out :( yet you keep in going .
Sorry your in such a position :(

I get depressed when I get PMS , boy do I notice the change in my thinking , emotions can be very strong.
When you feel like your running out of options i
Or feeling trapped it can be a struggle to find hope .

I think we can be afraid to be happy . What goes up must come down.
Sometimes we feel safer feeling anxious and depressed rather than relaxed and happy .

[sketchyboots]

Thank you so much for all the advice - that place in Ireland sounds really great - my mother is quite keen for me to go to a rehab - maybe that might well be an option in the future. I think because I have a scan coming up on the 17th October I am doing the "google, worse case scenario" and hyperventilating as I google all the horror stories about surgery! I really got very scared after surgery last time, it seemed to bit anxious though - naturally! Thanks again for advice - really appreciated .:hugs: