mollyfin
05-10-11, 09:25
My entire life has been a mess of anxiety and misery, but usually it just makes me sad. But right now it's really pissing me off.
I have a wonderful girlfriend. We've been together for a little over nine months. I am constantly, constantly worried that she's tired of me. Whenever she hesitates to respond to a comment I make about how much I love her or our future together, I immediately assume she's trying to find a way to respond to it that won't be a lie but won't make me feel bad, either. Sort of like when someone says "I love you," and you don't love them to you say "I love spending time with you." It sounds good, and you're not really lying.
And, I don't know. Maybe the fact that she hesitates to respond IS a bad sign. But I flat-out ask her all the time, are you tired of me, are you mad at me, do you still love me, do you want to be with me, etc. And yes, I know how exhausting that is for a person so I try to keep it in check. But here's the kicker: She's exactly like me! She says she's always worried that I'm going to beat my SA, spend more time out on my own and find someone I like more, wonder why I'm dating someone her age (she's only five and a half years older than me, but late 20s/early 30s sometimes feels like a bigger divide than it is) who isn't employed, lives at home, etc.
Hilariously - in a black humor way - as I was typing this, I got a text from her saying "miss u already" - she just left from my place to go back to hers. (We both live with our respective families as anxiety and other issues makes us difficult to employ.) I suspect she's trying to make me feel better, because I suggested hanging out again tomorrow since she'll be near me for a job interview, and she seemed to be trying really hard to make an excuse not to have to (first that she didn't want to come over two days in a row, as she and my mother are getting over a bit of a problem, then when I suggested just staying out, I was met with about ten solid seconds of silence before a halfhearted "okay" and then a suddenly "remembered" excuse that she was hanging out with a friend tomorrow.) I half-jokingly said if she was getting tired of me just to say so. I know I shouldn't say things like that but I just get so panicked I speak without thinking.
It's getting to the point where even her reassuring me doesn't make me feel better. I don't think she's lying, really. I'm just always looking for signs that she's secretly bored with our relationship. I'm always scared that she's just staying with me because she knows my mental health is fragile and losing her would mess me up. Or maybe she does love me but only because I go out of my way to be thoughtful and considerate, and if I didn't try to do so many nice things for her, she wouldn't care about me. Plus she pursued me for months - and I know how once you get what you've wanted it never really lives up to your expectations.
It hasn't always been like this - a couple of months ago we had a big fight and she told me I was making her miserable and treated her like crap. She's since said she didn't mean it, that usually we're a good couple, etc, but ever since then I've had huge amounts of anxiety about our relationship that weren't there before. It's like...if I couldn't tell I was making her miserable and I thought everything was great then, I can't trust my perceptions of the relationship at all. It probably doesn't help that in my last two relationships before this one (and I mean these were YEARS back and years apart; I don't date often), things were going great and I was hearing "I love you" and "I'm in love with you" on a regular basis, only to completely out of the blue find out that I was being left for someone else (of the opposite gender no less!).
Does this happen to anyone else? Does your anxiety warp your perceptions of how people feel about you? Do you worry that people are saying one thing and feeling another? I hate being like this but I don't know what to do about it. I guess therapy would be ideal but I wouldn't even know what kind of therapist I should seek out.
I have a wonderful girlfriend. We've been together for a little over nine months. I am constantly, constantly worried that she's tired of me. Whenever she hesitates to respond to a comment I make about how much I love her or our future together, I immediately assume she's trying to find a way to respond to it that won't be a lie but won't make me feel bad, either. Sort of like when someone says "I love you," and you don't love them to you say "I love spending time with you." It sounds good, and you're not really lying.
And, I don't know. Maybe the fact that she hesitates to respond IS a bad sign. But I flat-out ask her all the time, are you tired of me, are you mad at me, do you still love me, do you want to be with me, etc. And yes, I know how exhausting that is for a person so I try to keep it in check. But here's the kicker: She's exactly like me! She says she's always worried that I'm going to beat my SA, spend more time out on my own and find someone I like more, wonder why I'm dating someone her age (she's only five and a half years older than me, but late 20s/early 30s sometimes feels like a bigger divide than it is) who isn't employed, lives at home, etc.
Hilariously - in a black humor way - as I was typing this, I got a text from her saying "miss u already" - she just left from my place to go back to hers. (We both live with our respective families as anxiety and other issues makes us difficult to employ.) I suspect she's trying to make me feel better, because I suggested hanging out again tomorrow since she'll be near me for a job interview, and she seemed to be trying really hard to make an excuse not to have to (first that she didn't want to come over two days in a row, as she and my mother are getting over a bit of a problem, then when I suggested just staying out, I was met with about ten solid seconds of silence before a halfhearted "okay" and then a suddenly "remembered" excuse that she was hanging out with a friend tomorrow.) I half-jokingly said if she was getting tired of me just to say so. I know I shouldn't say things like that but I just get so panicked I speak without thinking.
It's getting to the point where even her reassuring me doesn't make me feel better. I don't think she's lying, really. I'm just always looking for signs that she's secretly bored with our relationship. I'm always scared that she's just staying with me because she knows my mental health is fragile and losing her would mess me up. Or maybe she does love me but only because I go out of my way to be thoughtful and considerate, and if I didn't try to do so many nice things for her, she wouldn't care about me. Plus she pursued me for months - and I know how once you get what you've wanted it never really lives up to your expectations.
It hasn't always been like this - a couple of months ago we had a big fight and she told me I was making her miserable and treated her like crap. She's since said she didn't mean it, that usually we're a good couple, etc, but ever since then I've had huge amounts of anxiety about our relationship that weren't there before. It's like...if I couldn't tell I was making her miserable and I thought everything was great then, I can't trust my perceptions of the relationship at all. It probably doesn't help that in my last two relationships before this one (and I mean these were YEARS back and years apart; I don't date often), things were going great and I was hearing "I love you" and "I'm in love with you" on a regular basis, only to completely out of the blue find out that I was being left for someone else (of the opposite gender no less!).
Does this happen to anyone else? Does your anxiety warp your perceptions of how people feel about you? Do you worry that people are saying one thing and feeling another? I hate being like this but I don't know what to do about it. I guess therapy would be ideal but I wouldn't even know what kind of therapist I should seek out.