blondeangel
20-05-06, 04:17
HI...I know it has been a while, so many thngs have been happening. I have had so much anxiety and panic, it has been very hard. Anyways...my fiance and i broke up a week and a half ago. He owes me a fair amount of money., which I have seen very very little of, and he was supposed to send me some today. But, not to my surprise, there was none. I picked up my messages and he said on one that he would send the money by western union or something. Anyways..to back track a bit...a couple of days ago one of his friends past away. She was an ex gf of my ex-fiances really good friend who he moved into a place with. His friend is bi-polar and is not on any meds nor is he recieving any form of treatment. he told me yesterday that he wasn't doing well after hearing about his friends death..which we think was an overdose. On his message he mentioned that his other friend died too. I was friends with him too..and had met the other person before too. I don't know what is going on, and my few friends I have here are not at home...my ex is not here...I have been having a panic attack ranging in intensity for almost 24 hours now, I think I is an anxiety attack. I can only type because I have had to take a fair bit of my meds to relax..to feel NORMAL. I don't know what to do...I don't want to be alone right now, and I feel so alone. I am not in crisis...if I was I would not be able to type at all really..but I feel like I am in pre-crisis. I am so so so overwhelmed right now. Last night around 4 am when my attack began I was freaking out. I was lying on my floor crying so much, just wanting it to go away. For 3 years I didn't get these attacks...they almost seem worse than ever when I get them...as in they last longer, and are very intense. They are so scary, and I feel so out of control when I have them, and I am almsot scared for my ex to phone back to confirm our other friends death. I hope it was a mistake when he said it. But I feel so alone, and I have no interest in dating or anything like that...even though I have had offers, but I know I need to take care of myself right now. But I am scared and I am so sick of my meds..they help, but I know my clonazapam can be addictive, and they seem to be the only thing that works when I am having an attack..but my tolderance is building up, and I guess that scares me too.
I have already had one good freind commit suicide, one got murdered last year, and now it seems another may have killed themself. Plus I have know of a few other people that were co-workers/not so close friends that overdosed or commited suicide. All of this in 6 years too.
I am really not doing well right now, because usually when I feel panic/anxiety I want to be alone...but I don't want to be alone right now. I am scared...scared of the truth..scared of doing something stupid, like hurt myself, which I am really really trying not to do, becasue I feel so dumb after...I am training to be a child/youth counsellor myself!!!
I feel used by my ex....3 1/2 years gone. I have bailed him out so much, and I feel like he has used me..and I thought I was smart enough not to let that happen.
Last week we had an arguement and during it he told me that I probably deserved what that ******* (who sexually/physically and emotionally abuse me) did to me, and if he was there he would kick the **** out of me too. He says he forgets saying that...but I don't. I hung up on him right after. He has never said anything that hurtful to me, and it can't be taken back. The hur the has caused me, the financial stress, everything...keeping stuff from me (which is like lying)....it can't be taken back.
So...anyways...I am not doing well at all...and if it wasn't for my meds I know I would be a reck...but I also know I can't be dependant on them for the rest of my life whenever I get panic or anxiety.
I am so scared...my family is long distance, and my long distance card just ran out, and I only have a few friends here and they are out.
I don't know if I want adive, I don't know what I want right now.
All I know is I feel
I have already had one good freind commit suicide, one got murdered last year, and now it seems another may have killed themself. Plus I have know of a few other people that were co-workers/not so close friends that overdosed or commited suicide. All of this in 6 years too.
I am really not doing well right now, because usually when I feel panic/anxiety I want to be alone...but I don't want to be alone right now. I am scared...scared of the truth..scared of doing something stupid, like hurt myself, which I am really really trying not to do, becasue I feel so dumb after...I am training to be a child/youth counsellor myself!!!
I feel used by my ex....3 1/2 years gone. I have bailed him out so much, and I feel like he has used me..and I thought I was smart enough not to let that happen.
Last week we had an arguement and during it he told me that I probably deserved what that ******* (who sexually/physically and emotionally abuse me) did to me, and if he was there he would kick the **** out of me too. He says he forgets saying that...but I don't. I hung up on him right after. He has never said anything that hurtful to me, and it can't be taken back. The hur the has caused me, the financial stress, everything...keeping stuff from me (which is like lying)....it can't be taken back.
So...anyways...I am not doing well at all...and if it wasn't for my meds I know I would be a reck...but I also know I can't be dependant on them for the rest of my life whenever I get panic or anxiety.
I am so scared...my family is long distance, and my long distance card just ran out, and I only have a few friends here and they are out.
I don't know if I want adive, I don't know what I want right now.
All I know is I feel