Complex grief getting me down

[WolfieKate]

My Mum died three years ago tomorrow and I am still crying my eyes out. My counsellor has diagnosed complex grief as my Mum was a kind of auxilliary ego - she performed specific mental functions for me - provider of self esteem, social network and decision maker. All my life I did everything for her and now she's gone I find it so hard. So I am really sad today. I miss her so much and yet I know I have to stand on my own 2 feet and be strong for my own kids. My children have just started school so I am finally having to face the future and I find it so hard without my Mum.

Mum died of cancer and though it was fairly quick over 2 weeks it was awful and those last 24 hours really upset me. I felt so helpless and I hated that there was nothing I could do. I would have swapped places with her if I could and she was so brave. But it was 3 years ago and hurts just as much as it did then.

[vicky23]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, there are no words to make it better but I pray for a sense of peace and comfort for you
hugs
x

[suzy-sue]

So very sorry for your loss ..Mums are indeed special people .Say focused on your children .Your Mum is watching over you ...Love Sue :bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:xxx

[miss polly]

I'm so sorry you are so unhappy. As a mum myself I know your beloved mum would want you to be happy and be at peace with yourself. I'm sure she would be so sad if she knew you were still in deep grief. The best way to honour her is for you to live a full and happy life and be as wonderful mother to your children as she was to you. xx

[Rous]

Kate,

I lost my Mum a little over 2 years ago and like your Mum she was everything to me, the day I found her dead shattered my life in to a billion pieces, I'm literally lost without her but I plod on alone living in my wee flat.

Each year on lots of certain days I can't help but think of all the family I've lost in my life, I can't help the feelings I get on those days but I can let ye know they pass quicker as the years go by, it's not a bad thing it just means I'm coping better each time. I don't think of them any less, in fact I think of them more, more in that I remember the happy times better.

I understand what your going thru Kate, yer not alone. :hugs:

Take care & be safe.

Rous.

[WolfieKate]

Thanks for your lovely messages. I am really hoping that as time goes by that things will get easier. It has been such a long road without her as normally I would rely on her for every form of emotional supoport and counsel. It's only now that I realise what a huge job it is to rebuild my life without her in it and really become myself. I feel like I talk about her all the time and I wonder if I am boring people! I know it will mean moving on and reaching some sort of closure but I hope I can do it in a good way and still think of her a lot without falling to pieces. :)

[ElizabethJane]

Kate I'm sorry that you have lost your Mum. Terminal illness is a dreadful thing and when the illness is short it leaves us little time for the inevitable loss and suffering. My Mum died twenty two years ago of motor neurone disease and it is true to say that I have come to terms with her death. My Dad died recently in April and I am still reeling over the injustice of it all. He had renal cancer and was not diagnosed until it was too late. There cannot be a time limit on grieving and many things will set you off. If your Mum provided many functions for you now is the time to see if you can perform these by yourself. You will probably need help but it can be done. I was even calling out for my Mum when I was in labour! You might feel panicky when you realise that you are on your own but this does ease in time. EJ.

[WolfieKate]

Thanks Elizabeth Jane

My Mum too was unexpected and misdiagnosed so after she died I took about 6 months getting all irate with the NHS folk, not all of them, just the ones I thought had not played their part well. I am slowly working through this with my counsellor but I hadn't really realised just what a long road it is. Mum performed huge functions in my life and I do think there is life after death but it's takes a long while. I am doing some reading too. A book charmingly entitled death benefits - which talks about how to really grow into yourself after you lose a parent. It's an awful title but the premise is sound. I know Mum would want me to grow and talk life by the horns. She had a tough life and yet she was so persistent and confident.

I think I am ready now to let her go but even that feels so sad. As if I am the only one keeping her memory alive.

Kate

[Hazel B]

HI, my Mum died in an "untimely" way 4 years ago and I only started to cope with grief last year when I had a combination of health problems and bottled up emotions over Mum. A whole lot of crap lead to anxiety, and it was only when I started counselling that the grief started to come out properly. I cried for 4 weeks once I started and am only just accepting it all now. Evryone has a different way of grieving and you're the same, just give yourself time. I had guilt and nightmares and the counselling helped me cope with those.

There will always be less joy and light in my life as my Mum was very loving and caring, but I have to try to carry on and be happy.

Hope you heal and start to cope.:hugs: