pinkunicorn

[pinkunicorn]

Hi there,I'm really looking for some support. I have suffered from depression for over ten years. I only sought help 3 years ago after the death of my grandad seemed to make things feel so much worse and I felt like I couldn't cope. I went onto citilopram 30mg,had a cycle of counselling,which didn't really work because I felt so out of it,I couldn't connect with the counsellor or how I was feeling. After a year,I reduced the medication to 20mg,was offered a 2nd cycle of counselling through the NHS,but this wasn't completed because my counsellor became ill and was off for months. I was referred to someone for a one off session as I was struggling with anxiety,but she said because I worked and I held down afull time job,that actaully things can't be that bad for me. I was told I had to seek private counselling and pay,because things just aren't bad enough and I don't feel depressed enough for help. I don't know how depressed they want you to feel or what kind of criteria I have to meet here,but I feel pretty low. Four weeks ago,I stopped the medication,I just can't go on taking tablets. So,I'm very emotional,tearful,but I'm trying my best to get through these feelings. I'm having counselling once a week,it's very expensive,but I don't have a choice. Yesterday,I went to visit my GP,because I'm having a really hard time of it,I feel like I can't talk to anyone,none of my friends understand. My GP told me that there was 'loads' of help out there,which if you don't work,there certainly are more options available,she also said I should go back on the anti depressants and take the sleeping tablets to help me....oh and buy a self help book and go to the gym! I don't know,maybe it's me,but if this doctor knew anything about deression,she would know,it's not that easy. Anyway,life story over....that's where I'm at....still off the tablets and trying to cope,just keeping my head above water,because I have to. I won't give in and let how I feel take over,I have to keep fighting it,I just need some support guys.... please,I guess I'm feeling kinda desperate for someone to talk to who actually understands.

[nomorepanic]

Hi pinkunicorn

A huge warm welcome to nmp.

You'll get loads of advice and support here and make some lovely friends along the way.

Best wishes

[Firebug88]

Hi there. there is unfortunately no easy way to get over this stuff and your GP sounds pretty uncaring tbh. i find spending time with my friends and brother helps. i also decided to make a life change, i want to become a piercing artist so i have emailed people about it and even got my brother to give me a mohawk today! all in a bid to feel better about myself. we all feel low and we need to do what we can to fight what seems like a losing battle. we are all here to help and will whenever we can!

[pinkunicorn]

Hello there,thank you for your kind words of support,they mean a lot. Well done you on deciding to do something that you actually enjoy,that's a massive step and so positive,you should be proud of yourself!! I guess spending time with family and friends does help.
unfortunately,friends are something that I don't seem to have many of at the moment,for various reasons but mainly,life moves forward so rapidly,people move on. Unfortunately,I haven't managed to pick up any friends along the way,to replace the ones I've lost,if that makes sense! Either way,I feel on my own and as much as I am coping to some degree,there are some pretty horrendous days where I just sit and cry at my desk at work,with no one to talk to. I try hard to keep my tears in and try not to let people see how upset and distressed I am,but sometimes I can't help it. I don't even try to explain what's wrong,because unless you actually feel depressed,that level of sadness and desperation,is hard to admit to,let alone share with anyone else.

[Firebug88]

i describe the feeling as drowning. i understand the friend situation. i tend to lose more than i make and on monday my girlfriend decided my anxiety was too much for her but well thats her loss. im waiting on a counsellor and i have been signed off work and on 3 different tabs. i can totally understand and relate =]

[aali]

Hi pinkunicorn how are you.

[pinkunicorn]

Thank you Firebug88.
When I was waiting for counselling through the NHS I found it so frustrating. Starting on the tablets,feeling ill from the side effects as well as feeling low and very much alone. I think depression is hard to understand unless you have truley suffered from it....it's more than just a 'bad day' and it's not a case of 'just pulling yourself together' it's difficult and other people's unsensitive attitude can be very damaging and especially when it's someone close,it's devastating,that they don't feel able to support. At least you have friends on here,who you can turn to and that can understand,how it affects your life.

---------- Post added at 16:09 ---------- Previous post was at 16:05 ----------

RE: aali,Thank you for asking...

Hello! Today I'm a having a bit of a wobbly day,I seem to be sliding between been ok and actually feeling pretty down. But,I guess that's to be expected. I've been off the Citilopram for a month,so things still settling down. Even though I'm not sure I will EVER truley have a sense of stability where my emotions and feelins are concerned,I seem to be up and down all the time,for no specific reason. I find that upsetting in itself. How are you doing?

[allergyphobia]

hello, i am sorry to read you are feeling so low.

i just wanted to say that i understand how you are feeling, and i hope counselling is helping you to work out the root cause of why you are feeling this way.

i am having a very bad time at the moment after the break down of my relationship and i don't have many friends either so i am feeling very low indeed. think i will pop into the chat room later if you are able to access it yet then you should come too.

take care :hugs:

[aali]

I'm fine thnx. Yes I too get those wobbly moment, one minute your fine and the next your unstable. It's horribble. My anxiety began in first week of august. For the first three week the anxiety was constant it scared me, the physical symptoms dnt bother so much, it's the mental thoughts that scares me. Anyway now it's lot better although I get some of the symptoms I'm able to manage it, but scary thng is some time it comes out of blue. Anyway I hope you get better soon

[pinkunicorn]

Hello allergyphobia!
I would very much like to chat to you! But I'm not 'allowed' in the chat room yet!! LOL!! I would be good to get some support and indeed offer you some too.
I guess my biggest fear of coming on here was that no one would understand or be able to relate to how bad I actually feel and that I would be overlooked and seen as ok,just as I am on the outside world.

[pinkunicorn]

I guess I'm feeling like I'm struggling a bit tonight,maybe I'm being a bit dim here,but I can't find anyone to talk to....maybe it will help when I can get into the chat room. Reading this website tonight,I actually realised that what have done in the past,scratching my arms until they bled.... and something I still do now,pull out my eye lashes,is a form of self harming. I didn't even realise....it was just something,I didn't think it was that serious,to call it self harming. I guess my form,isn't that serious. I don't know,just sat thinking about things and trying to get some kind of order back in my mind,just waiting for that moment of clarity to come.