Help plz

[ell1877]

When I was around 24 my friend was diagnosed with cervical cancer she had 3 children and I had 3 children unfortunately they couldn't help her and she passed away she left me her children in her will and I took them on i had them living with me for the first 2 years and the eldest boy was a nitemare 16 by this time was stealing etc and he moved away I had got a new partner and was rebuilding my life as I split with my husband during this time aswel anyway I couldn't cope anymore and asked social services for help they found a suitable foster parent and I am to this day still legal guardian as I didn't want them going from home to home they are both happy and doing really well :)
For the last 2 years I've been looking after an elderly man along with my mum be started off cleaning then doing his lunches etc and from July this year his health deteriorated so we have being going in 7 days a week at least 3 tomes a day he has no family he only has us so it's been really difficult anyway Monday of this week we went in as normal and found him in his chair he had died during the night it was awful he did just look like he was asleep so hopefully he went peacefully but it was still such a shock!!
And I keep getting really down I start dreaming all sorts of strange dreams going over and over things like lastnite he was still alive and I needed to get there its awful I wake up with that sinking feeling and I'm also getting slot of nasty messages from the boy I took on saying Im pure evil for putting his sisters into care and abandoning him etc that karma will come and get me how can I sleep at night my head is in a right mess what if he's right I'm so scared of dieing and leaving my family I look at my little boy and it's like I've been told I've got the dreaded C and nothing can be done and he'll grow up without me and I get myself into a right state I just don't know what to do I also had a dream when my friend was Ill that I'll die when I'm 35 of cervical cancer and I'm 35 next year :( she was 35 when she died if anyone can make sense of this mess please let me know your opinion maybe you can help me make sense of it all sorry it's so long x

[mom1982]

hi, im so sorry you have to go through all this. its very normal to get these dreams when your mind is so anxious and stressed, you end up going to bed with all these thoughts and then you dream about them. my anx started after my grandma's unexpected death in 2008 and i had so many dreams of her and dreams that there was something wrong with my health. i have 2 little girls and i worry about my health with so many people i know around me getting sick and passing away, some are young but most are elderly. your dreams are all part of this vicious anxiety and it will get better. you have to slowly learn to shut out what people say that hurt you like this boy blaming you. it is not your fault that you could not manage to take care of your friend's kids. you tried and it was too hard. he's a young boy with no mother and he is very hurt himself and he needs someone to blame so he focuses on you but he doesn't mean it, he is angry with his situation & he's too young to understand. i find it hard myself to shut out what people say and get very disturbed, stressed and hurt easily from the bad things people say and it only fuels the anxiety which results in more nightmares and anx symptoms. i am much better now 3 yrs later but its a difficult process and you will get there too. it does get better but it takes time, hard work controlling your mind, your thoughts. i never took any medication and i saw a psychologist for 10 sessions. she did help me realise some things but it was up to me to change my thoughts and life to get better. i'm not 100% now, i don't think i'll ever be but i am so much better and very close to normal again.