View Full Version : Just about had enough (negative post!)
I just sitting here wondering if it really is worth carrying on anymore....One minute i am fine the next i am suicidal. Its not so much the depression that is killing me but the damn ups and downs. I just can't bear to live the rest of my life with all this dissapointment and heartache that the lows bring just when you though you had beaten it!
When i look around me and see what i have got i know i should feel blessed but i never do. I hate myself, i hate everything about me and i wish my life would end.
Don't get me wrong guys i ain't gonna do it, i never would but i do wish some freak accident would come my way so i didn't have to make that choice. I really think that would be great as i get to check out of this crap life and no one will have to put with the stigma of me having topped myself.
Does anyone else ever feel this desperate?
Jonny.
I used to be extremely indecisive but now I am not so sure...
hey jonny,
first time i was depressed i was well scared i mite do summit silly and i looked round at my fam and friends and new i had the support there for me weneva i needed it. i do understand wot ure goin through. i have self harmed myself b4 i just once. i cut myself on the top of my arm, although it only looked like a paper cut, it hurt like hell but ive neva dun it since then cos ive regreted doin it. but at times i do feel desparate to escape my feelings of sdaness and anger but weneva i feel like that i attack me pillow, it does the world of gd for me. and ive also wrote all my feelings on pieces of paper and just screamed at the top of my voice while rippin it all up. (just a few ideas) but most of us will no wot u r feeling, and ive often wondered wot it wud b like for a car to hit me and then my problems wud all go away. but then i thunk that theres a chance id live and my problems wud still b with me. so then i hope it doesnt happen cos id b in so much pain ontop of my problems. but im sure sum ova ppl on here will give u more advice, and see if my ideas wud help u even if its the slightest bit.
hugs Rachel xxxxx
Hi Jonny
It is hard for sufferers to face the ups and downs - it must be the hardest thing to do out of all of it. As you say, one minute fine and enjoying life then WHAM - down in the pits. It always seems that we are just too tired to climb back up again and then we think, as you do, what is the point? In my life I have felt the despair enough to wish a disaster to come my way and get out of the crap - but I am glad, now at the other end, that I didn't.
It is worth carrying on and there are thousands of people who have been in a similar position saying the same, I'm sure. It feels like all the hard work in getting 'right' has all gone to waste - but it hasn't. The way you are when you are well is still in your memory and can be recalled - unfortunately, so are the thoughts you had when you were not well. You can have every materialsitic thing in the world around you and not be blessed, so don't feel guilty or have bad feelings about that at all, people like Winston Churchill - who had a pretty lucrative life - has felt like we have - material stuff just doesn't figure in anxiety or depression.
Depression usually strikes when we are tired of anxiety - I mean physically tired of it, not just mentally. So, now is the time to make sure that your thoughts are on what you want to achieve when you feel well again and not on how you feel now. This plus making sure that your eating / vitamin / relaxation routines are in place will soon start to show you signs of recovery, I'm sure. As much as it seems barmy - keep yourself occupied so as not to re-enforce your depressive mood thoughts.
Contact me off line if you feel that I could help more with this.
Take care
Red
x
Johnny
I don't have any good advice but hang on in there - there are good things and good people in this world that can get you through.
xxxxxxx
Emily
jollywalrus
17-04-04, 07:51
Hi Jonny,
I know exactly how you feel. I too am at that point. I am tired of the struggle. I have followed every bit of advice I have been given, but I am still at rock bottom and full of panic, depression and anxiety. I have three lovely chidren and I want to enjoy them, not keep finding excuses to not do things. Last night I even struggled to get in to the shop to buy them school shoes! I know you will all say at least you went and did it. But I wanted to browse. I wanted to try on shoes that were too high and wobble so we could all laugh at the memory. Instead it was in, get your shoes now, pay, and out. All done in the grip of fear. My husband is so good and keeps telling me it will pass, but I feel a right let down and I just want to be back to normal. Someone told me that people who live in fear, don't live at all, and I think they are right really.
Sorry to sound so grim. I think Jonny's post just hit a chord.
Love to all,
Christine
I think we've all been there at some point.
No way forward, things just stay the same or feel worse.
We start to feel there is no point getting up to the same thing, day after day.
Always the same, nothing changes and it rarely feels better.
Medication and positive thought does help, but it takes time, things don't get better over night.
The key is making yourself do things, even if you don't want to.
Having fun and good memories comes later once you have conqurered the fear and depression.
Hang in there, things will get better, it just takes time, that's all.
Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.
[:p]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'
Well this morning brought about a better mood - thank god. Isn't a good nights sleep just the best thing?
Thank you all for such kind words, i know i don't give as much time to others in this group as i should, so it is much apprieciated.
Jonny.
I used to be extremely indecisive but now I am not so sure...
nomorepanic
17-04-04, 18:19
Jonny
When I was at my worst I felt just like you. I used to make tape-recordings and on one of them I say that I didn't want to live anymore cos there was no point. Like you I never contemplated suicide but I just didn't want to live.
Glad to feel you are a bit better today - sleep is a great healer.
I am sure that with the lighter evenings and the sun making appearances then we will all start to feel better.
Try to plan some days out with your daughter and think of all the fun that you can have together this summer. Try and remain positive and above all stick with it ok.
It is a horrid illness but in time it will get better and you will feel brighter and more positive.
As for not giving much to this site then that is fine ok? We are here for people when and if they need us. It is nice to come back and just post when you feel a little down and people then pick you up. So, don't worry about that ok?
Take care and a big hug to you!
xx
Nicola
hya matey,well ime away for a few weeks,come back,and see your post...to write what you did,helped you,believe it or not!...it got it out of your system,and thats a good thing,so keep up the writing.
as you said,a good nights sleep helped you...sleep is very under-rated,when your emotionally unwell,anxiety,depression,panic,take there toll on the physical,as well as mental being of the body,and its so important to rejuvinate your strength.
ime going to suggest something,which you might think strange,but it does work....the next time your feeling desperately low,spend two days in bed...put mineral water,on the bedside table,close the curtains...when you wake up,go to the toilet,get back in bed,take a sip of water//trust me,you will fall back to sleep....this method has been used in hospitals,for decades,and is still used today.
best wishes matey........bryan.
haha bry mayb i shud try, i cud do wiv it. i dont get to sleep till 4 o'clock, and that 3 nites runin, doubt me mam will like it tho hehe. but i think that if it works in hospitals u shud deffinately try it jonny. go for it yay. hehe. doctors no best........apparently.
hugs Rachel xxx
ure right tho bryan, it is kinda strange. wont u get bed sores or is that wen u stay in bed for weeks? hmmm...neway...
thanks rachel...you made me laugh...no,you wont get bed sores lol...now ,ime off to bed...nite nite.
best wishes....bryan.
lol kewl, glad i made u laugh...nite nite sweet dreams xx
I've been feeling just the same as Jon for the past few weeks.
The anxiety has just got to me so bad that you feel that you can't go on living this life as you are doing.
So, know exactly where your coming from, Jon.
Bryan, can't see the going to bed for 2 days going down too well in MY house!
Could just see Mark's face if I said I was retiring to bed.
Kid's wouldn't know what had hit them and the mess and mayhem which would hit me once I surfaced wouldn't be worth thinking about.
Think I will just have to carry on regardless!
Kate x
nomorepanic
18-04-04, 13:28
Kate - not sure I would get away with 2 days in bed either - my boss may have something to say about that!
I could quiet easily sleep for 2 days though!
Nicola
LOL Nic,
Oh yes, forgot I'd also have to clear it with work!!
Kate x
Jonny,
I agree the roller coaster effect really does take its toll.
Even though I haven't had any issues for a long time now I never consider myself cured .
I couldn't cope with the disappointment feelings if suddenly I came across a situation that I couldn't cope with and had a panic reaction.
I remember for months thinking I was cured and being smug as anything and then had a traumatic event and back came the old feelings and although I managed them and they didn't reach even bad anxiety levels I recognise that this may well be my achilles heel and when the chips are down and I'm run down , it will be this that resurfaces rather than some other chronic/acute illness.
I had to change my expectations and outlook on the ' condition' . It does mean that I now consistently look after myself better and am doing fine.
I guess as gout has been in the news recently, this is similar . I'm totally fine most all of the time, but know anxiety could return given the right conditions, circumstances and environment.
Meg
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We're afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We will fall!"
"Come to the edge."
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.
- Guillaume Apollinaire
i agree with both kate,and nicola...taking to your bed,when you have both family,and work commitments,does seem impossible...but look at it from another angle,if you were to collapse with exhaustion,you would be taken to hospital,and given bed rest,for a few days.
meg,whats this about gout? ive taken two cases to hospital,in the past week,is there an epidemic lol........bryan.
april tones
18-04-04, 22:38
hi jonny and kate r, sorry to hear you both not feeling to good. Like someone allready said, light nights are here, they will defineatly help us all! i know its made a difference to me. I f youb want to talk i am here. Kate i understand how you feel when you got kids to look after as im in same situation, i have son jack 6 months, he is gorgeus and so happy apart from when he overtired and wont let me leave room! argh!
apriltones
Thanks again guys for the positive comments, not sure about taking two days bed rest though!
I am going to start on an Anxiety Management course at the local college tonight, it's got to be better than nothing...i will let you all know how it goes.
Jonny.
I used to be extremely indecisive but now I am not so sure...
Hiya Jonny,
I have just seen this thread. How was your anxiety course last night?
Hope your having a good day
Take Care
Lucky
Good choice Jonny.
We'll be interested in how that goes.
Which college is that in ?
Meg
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We're afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We will fall!"
"Come to the edge."
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.
- Guillaume Apollinaire
Hi guys,
Well i attended the course last night, it runs for ten weeks so yesterday was basically just an introduction. It was just the usual stuff about explaining what anxiety is and comparing symptoms with others there. Its just like posting on here really and realizing that you are not alone. In fact i was laughing out loud at some points because what some people were describing was just like i am!
Meg, it is run by Broxtowe College at the site in Beeston which is great because i can walk there in 2 mins.....best of all it's free!
Jonny.
I used to be extremely indecisive but now I am not so sure...
Jonny
that is great news, taking such a positive step. I didn't realise that you were local too. I live in Sawley but Nottingham is my home town and I work there. Might consider getting the details of that course from you at some point.
Jules
Good news Jonny.
We'd love a week by week account of what goes on if you feel that you could.It would imform others what to expect if they were to sign up for somthing similar
Meg
Well done Johnny
What a great positive step.
I hope it goes well for you
Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.
[:p]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'
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