View Full Version : Husband looking at porn - really upset
Hi
Not sure where to post this - but as I know I can rely on you guys to offer me a helpful opinion - I decided to ask for your advice on here.
I really will have to cut a long story short so as not to bore you!!
Me and DH have been together since I was 16, we had children young and that is now 23 years ago! After the birth of my first child at the age of 19 I lost interest in sex (before this I was very interested!!), although suddenly having a baby so young and a house with all the responsibiliteis that go with it surely had something to do with this and the major lack of support from DH. Anyway we did have sex - just not so much as we used to. This went on for years - he nagged me and said there must be something wrong with me, I tried my best, but he still wanted more.
I started to see a CBT therapist about 2 months ago for my anxiety, which I know has been a big reason for my fear of intimacy with DH - due to health anxiety etc. I have told DH that I am working on my problems - he has stopped nagging me for sex but doesnt understand my anxiety and is not supportive.
Then last year I found that he had been conversing with a woman on facebook, I came across the emails fb sends you by accident - he had left himself signed in - i wasnt snooping. I confronted him with this - he said that he was going to ask her advice about our sex life as he had nobody to talk to! After a few rows and heart to heart I believed him - and he also deleted many other women off fb who he didnt really know.
Problem is after this I found that the man who I had always trusted I just didnt trust anymore. I also did a lot of soul searching looking deep within myself and our relationship to try to find a reason for our marriage problems. I did talk to DH about this and he has tried to be more helpful around the house etc
I know find I cant trust him and since then I have regulary checked the history on the laptop and logged into his email, also I check his phone when hes in the shower.
I have not found anything else to worry me until now, last week I checked his email to find an email which hed opened from a dating site, I was able to log into it as him, but as you had to pay for everything he hasnt used it. This made me check his phone on which i found a few dating sites and loads of porn! Since this he seems to keep his phone on him all the time, although I dont think he knows that I saw. Also he has joined another dating site which is free - but I havent found any activity from his behalf on it.
So what do I do now? I cant confront him as he'll know I was snooping.
The progress I thought I was making with CBT and my wishes to be more intimate with DH have now been ruined as all I can think of is the porn and him looking at other women who are probably more beautiful than me and have a better body. So I now feel completley betrayed, inadequate and replused!! and also very upset that what if the DH who I love very much may leave me?
Now I know that its probably my fault that he was looking at porn etc, but I am finding it very hard to accept especailly as I dont feel I can talk to him about it, and I know I am probably blowing it all out of proportion but I dont know what to do
Help :confused::sad:
Hi William
I know many men look at porn - but I'm sure theres not as many wives who will feel that its OK for their DH's to be doing it - It feels like a betrayal.
I was more concerned over the dating sites
Debbsi,
Me personally, wouldn't feel okay about it at all, like you say the dating sites alone would be enough for me.
This is one of those debateable issues as i don't know many of my female friends who would take too kindly to it either, if he was looking at agony aunts that would be a different story, but dating sites.
As to what to do about it, only you have the answer to that, we are all different and tolerate different things, me.............i'd have to confront mine, but thats my own personal choice as i know me and i wouldn't be able to function normally without questioning.
What a horrible dilemma for you to be in, i really do feel for you.
di xxx
Thanks Di
I know I need to talk to him but dont know how to approach it. Thing is last year he had a hard time as he thought I wanted to leave him as I kept turning him down for sex, I didnt know how much I had hurt him as he didnt tell me. He was also having a hard time at work - then out of the blue he had a full blown seizure - thankfully he hasnt had another one and they think it was a one off, but he blames it on the stress and he might be right - and inparticular blames it on the worry he had over our marriage - so thats another dilema I dont want to upset him as I will then worry he could have another one, I hate this anxiety and lack of condiffence I wish I could just get on with life :(
Hi debbsi,
I'll try to offer some advice from a blokes view of your problem, first I'm sure 'DH' is looking to compensate for something he's missing...I know its not your fault really, men and women are a lot different in this department and often don't understand the others feelings etc.
One question if you don't mind me asking...what age is he?
As he is still with you after a long time that is a positive sign...
I'll stop there for now.
J.
Whilst it is true that lots of men look at porn, that really doesn't help when the woman finds this out. No matter what justification us guys come up with (which ranges from, it's only fun, to it's your fault for not being sexual any more) the fact is women will feel betrayed by this. Why would your other half NEED to look at porn? And us men often don't consider other implications too - how on earth is your other half going to feel they can compete with the women featured in porn?
From what I have seen in relationships, and I will say I am not an expert, couples seem to either be open and enjoy porn together, in which case there isn't usually an issue. Or, the guy will look at porn in secret. When that secret comes out, it can be as devastating as finding they were having an affair.
Personally, I would be more concerned with the dating site stuff. That suggests his interest in sex elsewhere has gone beyond porn and into the real world. He may simply be exploring his options with no intent to do anything about it - but you cannot continue a relationship with this festering away. Even if he is totally innocent you have said yourself that the trust has gone. Without rebuilding that things could be hard.
It's an incredibly difficult one this and I am sorry to read about it, I think you need to both sit down and talk (a lot) maybe with a third party. I realise that is easy advice to give but very hard to actually do. I remember in a past relationship which was failing I was a typically stubborn bloke and just stuck my head in the sand instead. Maybe just being direct and telling him, there are serious issues, and you need to get the out in the open.
Hi J
I'm sure your right about trying to compensate - he is 43 and I am 39, and I'm sure he loves me and wants to be with me - we are always planning the future. We get on really well, and Im sure he's just satisfying his urges that I cant satisfy for him at the moment. But it doesnt stop me feeling betrayed, and why would he look at dating sites? I have - as per typical anxious person - googled the problem and found that porn can damage a relationship and men can become addicted to it - so I obviously dont want things to go that far.
---------- Post added at 19:50 ---------- Previous post was at 19:45 ----------
Hi Ingenous
Thanks for your reply it makes a lot of sense, I do feel devastated and I defianetly cannot go on like this - I am going to have to talk with him - maybe at the weekend when i dont have to get up for work the next day x
eight days a week
11-10-11, 20:17
I'm really sorry to hear about the situation Debbsi, but it sounds like you're being very strong and practical despite such trying circumstances. It also sounds to me (though I'm most certainly no expert, it's just what strikes me) like you may have a really strong relationship there just waiting to burst into its proper potential, once issues have been worked through :)
Thankyou, I did find that last post by WW a bit upsetting - not what I posted on this site for so thanks diane07 x
8daysaweek - thanks thats more like the sort of support I was looking for - you actually have given me some hope - I think your right - our relationship has got massive potetnial - I just need to overcome some barriers.
Please keep your wonderful advice coming - its really helping me to build up my confidence to talk to him I feel a lot less like crying now, thankyou so much xx
First thing is to pick a good time to have a talk, try not to go on the 'attack' as it were.. just say you'd like to have a little discussion about stuff, don't want to scare him off at the beginning and he go off somewhere to avoid talking, timing is important here.
I've been marrried 30 years now, wife has been very poorly last 8-9, she sleeps a lot and has no energy or interest in all this, I take care of her all the time now and organize everything, I've not strayed...
Now, having said that I do have a 'friend', known her 30 years too, we text and chat and meet sometimes and are more like mates than anything, we're not lovers or sneaking off where we shouldn't, wife knows I help my friend out with her car and other problems, it keeps me sane and away from stuff like you are talking about...no one is 100% perfect though.. but its the not knowing which is the trouble for you..so, you will have to talk soon.
43 is a funny age believe me! I'm 58 so I'm ok now..past it I think!
This can be resolved if you both want to work at it.
J.
thanks Bruno, I know I am scared how to approach the subject - I dont want a row, and we need to talk when there are no children around (although the only one at home now is a teenager) xx
I have a son 28 still at home but only half the time now, he has a newish partner (2 years) and will move out when he can afford to, so...
yes, no others around when you approach the subject, only you can know when the time is really right...no one can advise you there, keep calm and try think of something which he is comfortable with and settled..that's the time I think but down to you...:)
One bit at a time, don't have a list of questions and just go easy, can always broach the subject a little and ask him to have a think about it...I don't want to say much more just now..see how it goes..yes?
J.
just a though...what's his humor like? could always try the joke method...my wife does !
yes Bruno - I will give it a go at the weekend probably. I dont know what he'll think about my snooping though :wacko:
yes Bruno - I will give it a go at the weekend probably. I dont know what he'll think about my snooping though :wacko:
added a bit to my last post..not sure if you saw it in time, its a wife's perogative to snoop on her man..I've learnt that..!
just seen it - he has a good sense of humour - although i'm not finding it very funny so i dont think i could go down that road. Yes I suppose your right, we should know everything about each other but i dont feel we do. He shouldnt be hiding things from me - we are married x
I know what you're saying, the thing is, a man can't see the problem with...say, looking at other women in the street...wife see's this and goes mad at him, he just brushes it off, the friend I spoke about did live with a chap..not married just living together, she found out he was doing porn and even paid online..she told me as we confide in each other for support, I have asked her for her opinion about this earlier..she also says it bothered her which is what I expected, she has left him now, he was no good for her and didn't help much with any problems she had..I did more to help! no names or where this site is by the way, just collecting information to try to help you.
It is difficult to suggest how to go about this as I don't know what he's like, softly softly at first is a must though.
yeah I know what your saying, thing is i dont mind him looking at an attractive woman in the street, as i will appreciate an attractive man in the same way or on tv etc. I wouldnt go mad at him either.
As for his personality he is a really nice bloke, a bit old fashioned, Im the one who takes responsibility for everything at home, and i have to prompt him to take his responsibilities too or i would end up doing everything. However since i started uni he has helped out with meal and some housework.
He is not very sensitive or empathetic, i dont really think he understands, hes not nasty.
Another thing I notice when checking his browsing history on the laptop (he doesnt view porn or dating sites on there) is that he regualry views his ex's profile on facebook, which i think is odd. I said i didnt mind him being freinds with her on fb, as back then i wasnt the jealous type, but now i seem to be turning into the green eyed monster.
I dont know how to even start the conversation - 'oh by the way ive been snooping on you as i dont trust you anymore' doesnt sound too good does it. Or do i ask him outright - do you love me? do you think about being with someone else? Or do i just say, i have had problems with trusting you since your fb converstation with a strange woman and regularly check your browsing history and your email - where i saw dating sites, so i checked your phone....
I dont know, ive not slept properly for 2 weeks, im seeing my cbt therapist on friday, but i dont know wether this subject is relevant to my cbt or not - shes not a couples therapist.
Anyway off to uni, hopefully can put this out of my mind for a few hours x
Morning debbsi, I've read your post's again a few times last night, couple of things we could go over later, I have to go to a funeral this afternoon, a friend from my teens.
Try to have a good day and don't worry too much, some points you have made are very positive, its possible DH is going through a phase...just his 43 years maybe!
I haven't read all of your new post need to study it first...I need to sort some things out here..back later.
J.
KayleighJane
12-10-11, 13:39
The fact is, men do look at porn, they always have done and they always will lol, even if they are perfectly happy with seeing our naked bottoms it will never stop them wanting to see a hundred more lol. I know everybody is different, I personally do not have prob with it. The dating site stuff is not right though and needs addressing. good luck with everything :)
Hi Debbsi.
I agree with Kayleigh about the porn issue. Men do like porn, or at least most of them, and often it is not a reflection on their relationship, as in they are looking at it because something is missing sexually, but just because the plain fact is they still like looking at porn regardless!
I do think that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself when you say 'snooping'. From what you have said you have discovered, your husband has not given you much reason to trust, so naturally you would be looking for any other signs that something is amiss.
I would not be very impressed either if I found my other half talking to other women and then claiming it is to chat about your 'sex life'. That is outrageous! The person he should be talking to is YOU, or WITH you with a third party such as a counsellor. That sounds like sheer excuses to me hun. The dating site is also a huge worry, I would be too. These things are just not acceptable in a marriage IMO. And why should he have an interest in his ex? It is just not on.
It does sound like there is trust lacking, and with good reason, and definitely you need to talk about this together. I don't think that you need to divulge all of the ways that you have discovered what he has been doing, but maybe you could just mention the lack of trust you are feeling and that you are aware of other things which have created even more suspicion for you. I agree with Bruno though that the gentle touch is required as the problem with full on confrontation and accusation is that it usually ends up in a huge row and then nothing gets addressed. Maybe enquiring how invested he is in your marriage and whether he is happy or not is a starting point.
Wishing you luck and best wishes.xxx:hugs:
Thanks again guys - it is really useful to hear lots of different viewpoints as Im finding i keep doubting myself, im sure the porn thing is a bloke thing, but why hes only just started looking at it - i dont know. He isnt very IT savvy so I know he doesnt know how to conceal what he has been looking at online and i would have noticed something before. Also some people may well not have a problem with porn - but I do and therefore that creates a conflict.
As for the dating site - i keep checking on the free site i know he registered on - he hasnt put a photo on or had any recent activity or chatted - as you can look at all activity. So i dont think its as bad as it could be - but why would he register on it in the first place, and has it done it on any other sites i dont know about.
The incident of emailing a woman on fb last year - i had put to the back of my mind - and after that he deleted all messages on fb so i couldnt check to see if he had done it before. Now i think about it more i am doubting his excuse - but i dont really believe in dragging up the past so i dont want to harp on about that as we cant change what has happened. But i thought i had dealt with it back then and obviously i hadnt.
I certainly dont want to row with him as that will just make matters worse, i want to be able to discuss this properly or we will never get anywhere - its killing me keeping this in - just so grateful i cant talk to you guys. I just hope i can get over this, or am i always going to be checking up on him.
Bruno - sorry about your friend, that must be awful for you :(
thanks for taking your time to read my posts and offer your advice - i really do appreciate it x
Whatever other feelings you have about it, you really do need to confront him, and the sooner the better. Leaving something like this hanging when it is destroying the trust in your relationship won't help, and will only get worse as you trust him less, and end up imagining he could be doing anything.
It could be it is all fairly innocent and he was just looking at what was out there, but you shouldn't need to worry about what he is doing, and he needs to know it is upsetting you.
And Kayleigh is right, lots of men ( and a lot of women ) look at porn, it doesn't mean something is lacking or they fancy the people in the films or pics more, just as when a women says they think Pitt, Clooney etc... is gorgeous, it doesn't mean that as a put down to their partners who look more like Frank Spencer.
thanks mikewales, your right as is everyone - i need to talk to him, and plan to when i pluck up the courage.
I chatted online to a relate counsellor earlier - she said pretty much what everyone on here has said. She suggested that we hadnt resolved our issues from the fb incident, and i think she hit the nail on the head - it wasnt much longer after that that things got much worse, i have been checking up on him since and for the last few months been planning to talk to him to make a plan on how to improve things - only i havent had the courage yet. This may have been the push i needed, i have just written down some notes to myself which hopefully will help me to get things right in my head first
I am trying not to let the porn upset me too much, but the dating site upsets me more and i just looked back at his browsing history and he viewed his ex's profile on fb at least 20 times over the last 2 weeks, and i cant check if he has been chatting or sending her messages, i think this is also an issue which needs addressing, if i had been doing that with my ex i dont think he would be very understanding - he feels threatened if i mention any male colleages or students at uni!
Hi debbsi, lots of good honest info and advice in the post's since this morning, about the ex facebook stuff, perhaps he's looking at it and thinking...ha..serves her right! glad I got rid ?! he might not be wanting to see her or anything like that. there are lots of conflicts with what he says and does..makes plans for both of you...that sort of thing, don't forget he's a bloke in his early 40's! the inbetween years...
I wonder if he's just trying to tell you something but doesn't know how...I know you don't like the porn thing but as others say..some don't mind some join in or just reject it...its a personal thing...yes?
We do need to help you make your next move though, who's going to come up with a bright idea...?
I'll start..! dinner for 2...at home and prepared together or the local dining place...
It was our 30th annniversary earlier this month..I had a full mixed grill..just!!! I didn't need dessert but I did anyway:blush:
Took my step dad with us too!
J.
P.S. Funeral went smoothly...he was only 64, there is a photo of myself and my friend still on display at his home...its over 50 years old...:)
Hi
Just an update; well last night i just couldnt keep it in anymore - so i blurted everything out - he wasnt very happy, and very embarassed. I wont go into any detail - but he says he didnt register on any dating sites - im not sure what to think of that. He openly admitted to looking at porn - his reason was due to no sex life - i cant really blame him and told him that but also told him what i thought of porn and how upset i was. as for looking at his ex's fb page he says he was just looking at the odd photo she or her family had posted and it was completely innocent - he says he has done nothing wrong. I agree to some extent but still not sure about the dating site, although im sure he didnt chat or mail anyone. He wasnt angry i snooped on him.
Anyway that then led to me actually being able to talk openly and honestly to him - where i normally keep it all in and feel like there is some kind of barrier between us. We are going to work on our relationship and i told him i need support to get my sex drive back - although he says he doesnt know how to do this but will do his best. I am going to let him look at my cby stuff i have been doing and then he can understand what i have been going through.
So thanks everyone, i knew i could rely on the lovely people on here to kelp me. I actually feel like there has been a huge barrier broken down, and a weight lifted off my shoulders which i thinkg has been there for years and standing in the way of our closeness. Hopefully i can build on this new found confidence (allbeit only a little) to overcome my anxiety. I actually felt happy today - not sure what to make of it - doesnt feel right somehow!
thanks again
Deb x
Thats good news ! there are a lot of good relationship counsellors out there, and partners often find it easier to talk to an impartial stranger rather than one on one, so suggest giving that a try.
Hi debbsi
Good for you! I'm sure he's a decent guy really but was feeling he needed to compensate for a while, its not uncommon:blush: I don't think you have anything to worry about regarding the FB stuff or the dating sites either...from what I've heard about online dating most of them are not what they appear...especially some of the 'ladies' :huh:
J.
eight days a week
13-10-11, 18:55
Great news debbsi! It sounds like maybe walls have been built up between you both (so easily done!) for quite a while and you've just made a HUGE step to changing things for the better! You've been brave and practical about the whole thing - keep up the great work :)
I've no experience really so just going on how it sounds, but mike's advice about relationship counsellors sounds pretty good to me as a possible option.
Also agree with bruno's last post :)
the saga continues...
So how come I felt great yesterday - full of optimism, then my son tells me his back is hurting due to his karate - and woosh back comes the anxiety, low mood, etc
Ive rationalised and done all the cbt stuff so how come i feel so low? I hate feeling like this, got my next session with the cbt therapist this afternoon, so hope she can help me :(
I even started reading up on antidepressants - but i dont want all those side effects and theres no way im not drinking my wine at the weekend lol
paula lynne
14-10-11, 16:25
Hiya Debbsi x I hear you about the wine hun lol,x
Ive been married to my hubby for 11 years, together for 16. We had a great sex live in the beginning as most couples do, but I guess complacancy sets in. We have 2 kids (21 and 11), and became grandparents last year. Hubby is 48 and Im 40.
Hes my soul mate, we are happy, connected, and even though the sex comes once in a blue moon, when it happens its great. We are happy.......or are we?
2 years ago, my husband went up his mates for a few beers and a dvd while I was next door with my mate having a girly gossip.
I said my goodnights about 1am and went next door to get hubby so we could make our way home. I walked in the door, and there they were,,, stark naked, watching porn, and masterbating. (not each other).
Well, I was like a screaming banshi, I punched my husband in the face and chased his naked mate into the kitchen, threw all the eggs at him (?) and hit him in the goolies with a tea towel, chased him upstairs and kicked the crap out of him........
(Im laughing at this now, but not at the time!)
His defence was "all bloked do it"!!!! DO THEY???? No pal, they bloody dont!
Ok, to backtrack, this mate was gay, but married. I KNEW he was gay, and he confessed to me he was. He fancied my husband from the off, and would use any opportunity to be around him.....I used to laugh about it!
It turns out, he had spiked my husbands drink, and virtually undressed him. Hubby had drunk about 7 pints of stella too, and could hardly talk (still knew where his winky was though!)..........
It nearly broke my marriage up, it became a painful torment for us as a couple for monthes. My husband isnt gay. He was appalled, I was devestated.
I rang the mates wife and told her everything. They eventually split and now hes living happily with his partner "Tom" and running a post office in central England somewhere......the wife has remarried and has a baby on the way......
I wont ever forget finding my husband watching porn. In that way......so hun, look, it really could be worse. Catching him in no way makes him love you less.
I hope youve a giggle reading this......Im sniggering a bit actually.....:blush:
Tell you something though,I made hubby pay for that "incident" for months, and got quite a bit of leverage out of it hahahah. Fancy his mate spiking him....at least he didnt go further.......thankk god i walked in when I did.
Can you believe it, the wife actually complained to me that Id left egg all over the kitchen!?! hahahah.:roflmao:
My advice.....talk to your hubby, find other ways to show you love him. And keep him away from any mates who pluck their eyebrows, love Glee, and dance to Abba a lot! :roflmao:Love Paula x
wow Paula, that sounds like an episode of eastenders lol, it did make me smile - and im sure it must have been devastating for you at the time.
Ive just got back from seeing my cbt therapist and whereas shes not a pyschosexual counsellor or a couples therapist she gave me loads of advice on how to rebuild our relationship, im going to tell DH about it tonight and hope he understands.
Its good (although not for you at the time) that im not alone, thanks for making me smile xx
Paula, that did make me laugh, you should point out to him that while many men watch porn etc.... not usually naked with their male next door neighbour !!!
Anxious_gal
14-10-11, 20:24
Judge people by their actions and not by their words.
Judge people by their actions and not by their words.
Yes I agree completely with you mishel, I discovered this myself some time ago.
I think I'll leave this to the girls now...its on the right track anyway:shades:
J.
Debs, i am so glad you have spoken to your hubby about it all, you needed to say what needed to be said. I have no doubt that you can both work on this and get back to the way things used to be.
Paula, your eastenders episode made me laugh my head off, even though i shouldn't have, its the way you tell it that makes it so funny, i can actually visualise you with the eggs, and fabulous that you dealt with it and moved on from it.
Do keep us informed debs on how it all goes and well done you for finding the courage to face this situation, i really did feel for you.
di xx
Debs some advice from an old man ha ha, we all make mistakes some more stupid than others but I think you mentioned the real reason for your plight in one of your messages. It all boils down to a lack of trust and yes I agree you certainly have grounds for this lack of trust but to get your relationship sorted this is the key issue. Lack of sex is not an excuse for watching porn as in essence it degrades women but I feel that your husband probably has never once thought of that. He sounds a genuine caring person who is feeling dejected by yourself through no fault of your own. There probably is a compromise in there somewhere in that because of your health anxieties a less full on type of sexual intimacy between you both could be agreed as a shortfall while you get yourself treated.
The dating sites you have to inform him are def a no go area as that will fuel the mistrust. I am sure you can work through this and get back on track. All the best.
hi ronski - thanks for you reply
your right - its a lack of trust but also a lack of communication of a certain type. We are on the road to recovery now - we've talk and other stuff IYNWIM, and things are looking up, I still am checking his phone every now and again and hopefully i will build up enough trust to be able to stop this
Hi Debs
I am pleased things are moving in the right direction but for getting the trust issues sorted you must stop checking his phone. You must set the ground rules together, make a new commitment and then trust each other. If he cheats on you after that then he is not worth stressing over. Be proud and stand tall, one thing I have learnt in life you can never control others, if they are going to cheat then they are going to. So long as you have your self respect and you state what you accept as satisfactory behaviour then that my dear is all you can do. If you keep checking it will drive you mad and it will tear you both apart. My daughter has had relationship issues recently, in some respects similar but because social services were involved it became very serious. What we all learnt is that people have to change because they want to not because you want them to. My daughter acted very sensibly and with dignity she eventually managed to get things back on track. But in the end it was her husband who decided himself he had to change to keep his marriage and I feel that your husband has to make a similar commitment. You wanting it will never work, he must want it for himself. Sorry I was blunt but it's so true. I wish you all the best.
Hi ronski
Dont apolgise for being blunt - its what i need!
Well hes gone off to work now - the first time weve bee separated since our talk, ive felt a bit down today - and so those doubting thoughts have entered my head again... eg this morning i got up before him - before he used to stop in bed and I know exactly what he was doing - viewing porn. Now i worry that he may carry on doing that - after this weekend - he has absolutly no need to look at that filth! Im sure this morning he was simply having a lie in - but its going to take a little while and a few more chats - cos we havent talked again since thursday
I know that to make it work we need to trust each other - but in order to do that we also need to talk it through - its no use just having one talk and then not revisiting it and setting ground rules as you say - as then we will just revert back to our old ways.
Greenman50
17-10-11, 19:18
Glad you seem to be on the right track :yesyes:
You sound so much like me and my wife . My wife hasn,t been interested in sex for as long as i can remember , its a once in a blue moon occasion . If i never brought the subject up it wouldn,t happen . I have now totally give up ! The last time i tried it on i was told to leave her alone as she wasn,t a morning person . Never again i can,t be arsed anymore to be honest .
She still wants the lovey duvvy holding hands , kissing etc but now i can,t be bothered with that either , i know i,m a stubborn git but i feel if she isn,t intereseted in me in the bedroom i can,t be arsed being all luvvy dovey as if everything is perfect either .
This has been going on for 10 years so nothing is going to change .
Do i look at porn ....yes . Have i had a nosey on dateing sites ....yes .
Have i cheated...NO ...i want my wife .
The way guys look at it (especially in there 40,s) is that time is running out and they want to get some sessions in ! I would be quite happy if it was on the cards once a fortnight i think most men would , but the trouble i have is that i don,t want sex with someone who doesn,t want me , so basically i,m knackered i might aswell send it back to God to be rycycled or use it for stirring my tea .
So its back to dateing Pamela Hand and no proper nookie .
Just thought i would post so you can get another guys point of view .
I hope no one knows me on her or my wife doesn,t look in :blush:
The best thing to do imho is talk , talk and keep talking about it, don,t make him feel rejected , if you are not in the mood politely say so but reassure him things will change and that you love him .
Just one other thing (hope its ok to say on here) but if you are not in the mood for full sex , how shall i put it :blush::blush:...theres other ways you can please a man as a put me on to keep him going ..lol..
Personally i,m heading for my pipe and slippers days , and last week i bought a pair of biege cords and started looking at tank tops... .
Hi mel
thanks for your opinion - you sound a lot like my husband - but in your wifes defence - if shes like me - then she may have some problems too - i do and its not that i dont love him - i feel bad for making him feel rejected but his unwanted advances in the past have made me feel bad - so much so it ended up making me scared to let him near me for fear that he would try it on, as it happens he just didnt know what i wanted anymore. He says he tried talking to me but shouting why? at me then stomping off isnt my idea of talking lol
Anyway hopefully he understands the need to talk properly now as much as i do - and yes mel i know what you mean lol x
Hi Mel
Well as a mid fifties guy, I understand where you are coming from. Both Yours and Debs situations are very similar and to be honest very very sad. What is the question that needs answering? Why does the sex not take importance anymore, sex is not just for having children it also cements relationships. In Debbies case it is obvious that health anxieties are the source of some of their issues. I think there are numerous reasons for a lack of libido such as stress, lack of confidence, not communicating effectively, illness, mistrust, fatigue etc. If it were me I would sit my other half down and ask her to be truthful if she knows what the reason is, maybe she dosent know, if not go to your GP to check for health issues that may be responsible or maybe it's a medication issue. Don't let it fester inside you Mel as it's very damaging to relationships long term.
Hi
I wish my husband had sat me down years ago and asked what the problem was - or help me to overcome my fears
Instead its now 20 years later, i have been told by him for years that there must be something wrong with me! I therefore believed this, but was to shy to go to the doctors. I had an appointment with a gyny a few years ago for an unrelated problem - i mentioned my lack of libido to the very young registrar - who replied - 'i hope my wife never ends up like that'!!!! Thanks for the support doc!!
So you can see that whatever my problem has been i have never had any support for it and as its such a sensitive thing i havent talked to anyone about it either - my husband hasnt exactly been approachable as i thought it was me who was in the wrong so ive been blaming myself all these years.
It takes 2 to tango - its easy to become complacent and take each other for granted. It was last year when i did a lot of thinking and some research to try to find the answers as i was sick of taking the blame. Low and behold its not just me at fault, you cant expect me to feel loved and confident in myself it you tell me its my fault, theres something wrong with you other couples are not like that etc
If he had just talked to me properly all those years ago - rather than waiting for this to happen, thing is in his defence he doesnt think like me, he wouldnt research a problem like this - so its a good job i did!
Anxious_gal
17-10-11, 21:03
Well i find in order to want to have sex with someone , you need to feel comfortable , safe , relaxed , loved , happy in yourself, the other person needs to be deserving of your attention , if they are not treating me right then I would not want to be close with them.
If I felt pressured into sleeping them then no way would I. Your not an object and should never be treated as such.
Since when does someone's sexual needs trump someones emotional needs .
Sure some people can do one night stands , have sex even when they are not in the mood but for others they need much more to be able to get that close with someone.
I do think there's a lot of fear now.
Maybe sex therapy would help, like you might be afraid to show him any kind of affection in case he takes that as the green light, and then gets angry because you won't sleep with him and have led him on ?
You need to set some boundaries , start small, set down some rules, go on a few dates , get to romance you, buy you flowers ect .
hi Mishel
I think we're on the same wavelength - i agree with everthing you say in your first paragraph
Yes and i agree about the fear - i have avoided any affection for fear of him assuming i wanted more, he said that i need to tell him its just a hug - but then i think that sounds awful
yes we need boundaries - we tried setting those and agreeing a graded approach to help me to build up my confidence - however i dont know what happened - suddenly i found my libido - it came back to visit for 3 days!!! Wont go into too much detail!!
Anyway - i think its buggered off again - so i hope he doesnt think ive been miraculously cured, although i thought i had!! Never mind - im sure its not gone for good- i wont let it x
Greenman50
17-10-11, 21:49
Good luck Debs ....its good for me to get an insight into how the ladies are thinking aswell, BTW ..i,m not a caveman ..honest :D
Its the other way around in our house , my wife wants the kiss,s / cuddles in bed , in the day time , holding hands etc.... but nothing ever happens ..lol..
It really is a common problem , sadly i don,t think i feel the same way about my wife anymore and i doubt things are going to change . She just has a low / non existant sex drive .This year i think its been just the once , last year maybe 3-4 times .
We did go 3 years or more without doing anything believe it or not , so i have been paitent.
I cook , clean , work hard (my doesn,t work which isn,t a problem) do some housework , give my wife time to herself , see to the kids and to put it bluntly i still got feck all .
Tried the flowers , complimants ,lost three stone, not trying it on for months hopeing she would make a move etc etc ...narr nothing :blush:
I give up !
aw mel you sound like a really nice guy :), you really are very understanding. At least she does hug and kiss you - so your not completely rejected like my husband has been.
Sounds like youve tried everything in your post - have you tried talking to her?
Greenman50
17-10-11, 22:59
The talking to her....no not really lately i,m sad to say , i have in the past but things just end up back to square one eventually . So to me this just suggests we have nookie to keep me quiet , and that is exactly what i don,t want . If i,m not wanted i would sooner not bother .
If i did everything right again, was patient , see to the kids etc etc (which i do anyway really ) if i never mentioned sex again it just wouldn,t happen .
I totally understand that a women isn,t like in the porn movies ..lol.. there just actors , a women needs to be looked after , got in the mood , made to feel special (which they are ) and men need to respect this and work hard to keep things going . I could go on more about how i,ve tried but i think i,ve said to much on a public forum already :ohmy:
I,m not over weight to much , good hygiene (i can,t spell :roflmao:) i,m not one of the old fashioned guys who expect the tea on the table at 5.30 , sex at 10.30 type of guys , i,m really not .
Ahh well i,ve got 2 teenage kids to bring up , its a good job the citralapram i,m on has dropped my sex drive alot , but its still frustrateing .
Really hope it works out for you , keep the talking going now its started .
I really can see both sides of this . Thanks for your help .
:hugs:
Anxious_gal
17-10-11, 23:04
Hey sorry I wasn't presuming to know the situation, I was taking a wild guess, hope I didn't offend you x
You will get used to setting down boundaries though, I know some of my friends find it very hard at first but if you let the man know at the start what you are and are not comfortable with, then well he can't get dissapointed and grumpy :)
Men some times need to be told things lol as they aren't too good at picking up on signs like we are.
It takes me a long time to be comfortable with a guy, it ranges from weeks to months depending on how well I know him.
Thats why I think if ye can start off a bit like teenagers lol and slowly build up the amount of closeness over time, it won't be so nerve wreaking and hell it might even be fun :)
Wow I am glad you least got it back for a few days.
Most women need to be relaxed in order to, so anxiety can really kill your sex drive as it is hard to switch off.
Mel I luv cuddlying and some times is so nice to be able to do that with out it leading to sex, but obviously not ALL the time :) I think it just shows you love her for who she is and not because you want sex...... I know sex and love go hand in hand too though.
If your wife has always had a low sex drive she may be axsexual, or it could be related to hormone changes, medication or depression.
From a female point of view, my friends boyfriend has become depressed and lost his sex drive, and she finds it hard not to take it personally as it makes her feel unwanted in the sexual way. Of course then if she tries any thing she ends u feeling rejected.
he is very embarrassed about the whole think, so much so they can't even discuss it.
I think the issues being discussed here are more common in the community than we think. As I have stated before Love and sex do go together, if you take the love out of the equation then sex becomes a chore, if you take the sex out of the equation then the love unravels. Obviously as we get older our sex drives do change and Love and cherishment become the dominant emotions. Debs I think your libido came back because you chatted, got some answers and your frustrations and fears subsided and you relaxed.
I think Debbie whatever your circumstance some guided meditation twice a day may help bring a sense of peace to you that may in time be very beneficial.
Mel you sound like a very caring person, don't give up on your wife just yet. Be blunt and tell her how it is not what she thinks. You can blame hormones, stress, anxiety etc but basically if I am honest at some point in your relationship something must have changed and if honesty is addressed on both sides then and then only may a solution be found. I have been married for 33 years and yes we have had our ups and downs but neither of us has ever scerted around an issue of importance and one thing that I have learnt from many a long marriage is Never go to bed without sorting an argument---STAY UP AND FIGHT ha ha. Only joking but the basis is true.
Hi again,
Well ive given it a few days now, my libido has gone back to normal - not existant, but them I am pre menstrual, so this may have something to do with it.
You all advise me to keep up the talking, and i agree but am fearful of becoming a nag. The advice is to build up the trust again - but im not sure how to do this, I know i need to stop checking his phone, but until i see he has stopped looking at those websites i cant really build up that trust - to me its just one building block, I dont want to ask him outright - or should i be doing this? Im really confused.
Hes been on nights all week so we havent really seen each other, so talking hasnt happened.
So any advice appreciated ie how to build up trust and how to keep talking without becoming a nag. Bearing in mind these trust issues have been going on a while so i cant just trust him again - my brain doesnt work like that lol
Anxious_gal
19-10-11, 18:31
Ya I was wondering if it might be hormonal :( dam hormones are horrible to us women!
Glad you are feeling a bit more yourself :)
I have trusted people who broke my trust and I found out by checking their stuff but only when I knew in my gut something was wrong.
So I really don't know , maybe try to cut back on the amount you do it or go a few days without.
Is he still looking at those sites?
No dont tell him you know , he will feel spied on and might actually learn how to delete his history , you don't want to make him feel like he has to hide stuff.
Trust comes with time I guess , you just got to hope he's trustworthy and will do the right thing but keeping in mind he's Human :)
Maybe you could keep the talking to therapy nights ?
I think a book might help you navigate this mine field.
thanks mishel -
i peeped at his phone yesterday and thankfully there was no evidence of 'those' sites, i usually do it when hes in the shower, but today when he went in the shower his phone was nowhere to be seen, he came out of the bathroom with just underwear on, i couldnt see his phone, gawd knows where he was hiding it. I know im just being paranoid, i know i need to practice my cbt techniques - as im hypervigilant about health problems, im also acting the same in this situation. Ive read some stuff on the internet about rebuilding trust, i know time will tell.
I still have just a couple of worries and those are the fact he rarely seems to leave his phone lying around where he used to all the time. When i was snooping the other week, i found that he was stashing money in a coat pocket, it must be the money he normally takes to work. Now im sure hes saving to buy either something for me for our anniversary or for our weekend away, but part of me is a bit angry that he is hiding this from me as i am the one who has to make ends meet all the time. Anyway im going to stop moaning now, thanks again for your support x
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