RobH
12-10-11, 00:38
I have been suffering from anxiety and panic for 7 years now and I'm 30 years old and have the reached the point where I need to take drastic measures to sort it out.
My first experience at 23 was whilst driving to Brighton for a night out, I live in London and it wasn't the longest of drives. I had been drinking the night before and it's fair to say I had a bad hangover (I didn't drive until around around 4pm so was not still intoxicated from the night before). Around halfway into the journey, I can't deny it was due to the hangover, I felt unusually shaky and dizzy and a sudden overpowering feeling hit me - I'd never experienced anxiety until then so I had no idea what it was. Anyway, I made it to Brighton and met with friends at the hotel - at that age it was comical and the 'quickest cure' for feeling terrible with a hangover to start drinking again, therefore I did. I still felt unusual and hoped that the 3 pints I proceeded to drink would help me out - bad idea! Whilst back at the hotel getting ready for the night out, these feelings had progressed to shaking, fear, dizziness, loss of appetite, and I then entered a full panic state. I remember just losing all control over my feelings and body and I escalated into a state where I told friends I wasn't feeling right and sat outside to get some air, by now my heart was racing and I was in a state of fear I never knew could exist. The worst thoughts started going through my mind and I thought there was something very badly wrong with me - primarily, having a heart attack. I couldn't regain control and began shouting for an ambulance - and whilst first wondering if I was serious, my friends acknowledged the state I was in and called one immediately. I was taken to A&E with suspected heart condition and therefore seen to without delay - they took bloods, wired me into an ECG machine & thoroughly checked me over for heart issues. As each test returned negative, I began getting more and more relaxed and my heart rate returned from what was 162 in the ambulance to around 100. My condition was then downgraded to 'palpitations' and I was tested for things such as hyperthyroidism and some other conditions that my blood was tested for. Everything was negative and I was informed that I had just experienced my first panic attack, my parents had arrived to get me and I was discharged to go home.
This then began the worst 6 months of my life. The anxiety was still there and I feared 24 hours a day of another attack hitting me. My appetite was poor, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate or socialise - I was far from myself. I also realised how hard it had hit me as I became agoraphobic and had an increased fear the further I travelled from home. I'm talking here a distance of 5 minute walks to the park or shops, I was so fearful just trying this - anything further would result in that overwhelming feeling and eventually, panic. This prevented me from working and I went through 3 sick notes of 6 weeks from the doctor for 'acute anxiety disorder', I was out of work for the best part of 5 months and it didn't help the anxiety at all being stuck at home depressed with everything and how low my life had become. I eventually returned to work having spent these 5 months gradually taking walks from home a little further each time, training my mind into 'safety distances' becoming a little further each time. It was hard work, I worried, I sweated, I felt dizzy but never got to the stage where I entered a full panic attack. My working days were long, colleagues noticed change & I never felt comfortable or safe until I had again returned home (home has always been the only place I can truly relax as it was an anxiety 'safe house' for me). I even started to socialise with friends a bit again, I was able to meet them out for a drink which at first was uncomfortable and made me very anxious (not due to meeting them, but due to being away from home and fearing the worst all the time - the dreaded panic attack). I then discovered how an alcoholic drink miraculously suppressed the nerves and took most of the symptoms and bad feelings away - this was great at first and I enjoyed a few evenings out over time, however I will explain later how this led to worsening of my condition.
Around another 6 months later, I arrived at work feeling my usual depressed and anxious self and out of the blue lost control again. The shakes, sweating, dizziness all hit me and I once again suffered a panic attack. This lost me my job at the time as I had arrived and disappeared into thin air within 10 minutes of being there - the panic attack resulted in me running out and all I wanted to do was get to where I felt safe - home or a hospital. Calling work to explain was last on my mind and therefore I was rendered unemployed due to uncontrollable anxiety problems and I was back to the beginning again. The agoraphobia was again increased in density and another trip to the doctors resulted in the beginning of what I never knew would be now 6 years of taking Citalopram.
I did eventually get a lot better again and I found another job. Although as previously mentioned, I had discovered how alcohol was the quickest and apparent best cure for anxiety symptoms. I only seemed to socialise with friends when they were drinking so that I could drink too and be myself in general, I began drinking at home almost every day as it made me feel so much better, I even dropped as low as sneaking to the pub on work lunch breaks on days I wasn't feeling great to have a drink and make myself feel better - amazingly, despite colleagues picking up an alcohol aroma 'from someone in the room' I never got caught out. I basically hit an all time low and could probably say I hit a state of alcoholism at this point. Luckily, still living at home with parents, it had been noticed and I had some strong words spoken to me - I did acknowledge the problem and despite being advised help, decided to self treat it and I slowly cut down and returned to a once/twice a week social drinker, drinking no more than any of my sensible friends would.
I could tell many more stories of my anxiety, not all quite as relevant, but as a whole I have had many ups and downs. Travelling is still a problem, if I leave my home town I get anxious, I avoid going abroad as it feels as if getting home is beyond my control if I suffer panic again. It also feels as if the agoraphobia symptoms are still haunting me, maybe even sometimes like it's claustrophobia. I avoid lifts wherever possible as i fear getting stuck and having no control, i feel strange in crowded places or anywhere where escape may take time and effort, if travelling i like to be the driver so that i have the control and means to turn back if i want - somebody else having the control makes me anxious.
As mentioned, I'm 30 now and still don't feel right. Missing yet more holidays abroad depresses me somewhat as i know my fear and anxiety of panic has got the better of me and ruling my life. I regularly have a feeling of pressure in my head coupled with dizziness and inability to concentrate, i've had it for years now and know it's anxiety related (i'm well past the worrying it's a tumour or something). I've lost 3 girlfriends, whereas they knew of my problems - it was the constant let downs of me avoiding situations that did it, avoiding trips/holidays/social occasions that inflicted fear of panic. I am in a good job now but regularly make some mistakes or have lazy days because I have been unable to concentrate.
I've been living steadily working 5 days a week, and the odd night out with friends at weekends. I am a member of a gym and i attend perhaps 3 times a week, usually for a swim and relax in steam room/jacuzzi. I occasionally come out feeling much better and feel that it helped loads, however i can't seem to push myself into any decent exercise - if i do cardio in the gym, or swim a fair few lengths i become conscious of my heartrate and it brings back the bad thoughts and eventually anxiety symptoms again. The pressure feeling in my head increases and although i don't have a panic attack (probably due to the citalopram), I do enter that horrible anxious loss of control feeling.
I've had enough really, it's affecting every aspect of my life and any means I have to enjoy myself. Sorry, I didn't mention councelling - I have seen a councellor 3 times and I'm sorry but no matter how hard i try I can't relax the feelings with breathing exercises or putting my mind elsewhere - once anxiety and panic hits you, there is not much you can do to escape.
I was last referred for CBT therapy, this was however through the NHS and I really really can't explain to my employer that I have to take an hour and a half out of work once a week to attend therapy at the mental health clinic. I have however been given a contact for a private therapist who specialises in CBT and holds appointments in evening hours. It costs around £40 a session but I am willing and able to pay if it will work. I suppose my reasons for coming here was to ask advice on:
a)can anyone relate to my anxiety problems and advise on how best you recovered/dealt with them?
b)should I be getting myself checked for any other health problems due to the symptoms (in particular the pressure in my head, also coupled with dry mouth, dehydration) or are these merely just anxiety related?
c)is there anything else I can try or do to improve my way of life and become more social and 'me' in general?
d)is the CBT therapy my best way to go forward and what have your experiences/outcomes been from CBT if any?
Thank you so much for reading & look forward to your advice,
Regards
Rob
My first experience at 23 was whilst driving to Brighton for a night out, I live in London and it wasn't the longest of drives. I had been drinking the night before and it's fair to say I had a bad hangover (I didn't drive until around around 4pm so was not still intoxicated from the night before). Around halfway into the journey, I can't deny it was due to the hangover, I felt unusually shaky and dizzy and a sudden overpowering feeling hit me - I'd never experienced anxiety until then so I had no idea what it was. Anyway, I made it to Brighton and met with friends at the hotel - at that age it was comical and the 'quickest cure' for feeling terrible with a hangover to start drinking again, therefore I did. I still felt unusual and hoped that the 3 pints I proceeded to drink would help me out - bad idea! Whilst back at the hotel getting ready for the night out, these feelings had progressed to shaking, fear, dizziness, loss of appetite, and I then entered a full panic state. I remember just losing all control over my feelings and body and I escalated into a state where I told friends I wasn't feeling right and sat outside to get some air, by now my heart was racing and I was in a state of fear I never knew could exist. The worst thoughts started going through my mind and I thought there was something very badly wrong with me - primarily, having a heart attack. I couldn't regain control and began shouting for an ambulance - and whilst first wondering if I was serious, my friends acknowledged the state I was in and called one immediately. I was taken to A&E with suspected heart condition and therefore seen to without delay - they took bloods, wired me into an ECG machine & thoroughly checked me over for heart issues. As each test returned negative, I began getting more and more relaxed and my heart rate returned from what was 162 in the ambulance to around 100. My condition was then downgraded to 'palpitations' and I was tested for things such as hyperthyroidism and some other conditions that my blood was tested for. Everything was negative and I was informed that I had just experienced my first panic attack, my parents had arrived to get me and I was discharged to go home.
This then began the worst 6 months of my life. The anxiety was still there and I feared 24 hours a day of another attack hitting me. My appetite was poor, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate or socialise - I was far from myself. I also realised how hard it had hit me as I became agoraphobic and had an increased fear the further I travelled from home. I'm talking here a distance of 5 minute walks to the park or shops, I was so fearful just trying this - anything further would result in that overwhelming feeling and eventually, panic. This prevented me from working and I went through 3 sick notes of 6 weeks from the doctor for 'acute anxiety disorder', I was out of work for the best part of 5 months and it didn't help the anxiety at all being stuck at home depressed with everything and how low my life had become. I eventually returned to work having spent these 5 months gradually taking walks from home a little further each time, training my mind into 'safety distances' becoming a little further each time. It was hard work, I worried, I sweated, I felt dizzy but never got to the stage where I entered a full panic attack. My working days were long, colleagues noticed change & I never felt comfortable or safe until I had again returned home (home has always been the only place I can truly relax as it was an anxiety 'safe house' for me). I even started to socialise with friends a bit again, I was able to meet them out for a drink which at first was uncomfortable and made me very anxious (not due to meeting them, but due to being away from home and fearing the worst all the time - the dreaded panic attack). I then discovered how an alcoholic drink miraculously suppressed the nerves and took most of the symptoms and bad feelings away - this was great at first and I enjoyed a few evenings out over time, however I will explain later how this led to worsening of my condition.
Around another 6 months later, I arrived at work feeling my usual depressed and anxious self and out of the blue lost control again. The shakes, sweating, dizziness all hit me and I once again suffered a panic attack. This lost me my job at the time as I had arrived and disappeared into thin air within 10 minutes of being there - the panic attack resulted in me running out and all I wanted to do was get to where I felt safe - home or a hospital. Calling work to explain was last on my mind and therefore I was rendered unemployed due to uncontrollable anxiety problems and I was back to the beginning again. The agoraphobia was again increased in density and another trip to the doctors resulted in the beginning of what I never knew would be now 6 years of taking Citalopram.
I did eventually get a lot better again and I found another job. Although as previously mentioned, I had discovered how alcohol was the quickest and apparent best cure for anxiety symptoms. I only seemed to socialise with friends when they were drinking so that I could drink too and be myself in general, I began drinking at home almost every day as it made me feel so much better, I even dropped as low as sneaking to the pub on work lunch breaks on days I wasn't feeling great to have a drink and make myself feel better - amazingly, despite colleagues picking up an alcohol aroma 'from someone in the room' I never got caught out. I basically hit an all time low and could probably say I hit a state of alcoholism at this point. Luckily, still living at home with parents, it had been noticed and I had some strong words spoken to me - I did acknowledge the problem and despite being advised help, decided to self treat it and I slowly cut down and returned to a once/twice a week social drinker, drinking no more than any of my sensible friends would.
I could tell many more stories of my anxiety, not all quite as relevant, but as a whole I have had many ups and downs. Travelling is still a problem, if I leave my home town I get anxious, I avoid going abroad as it feels as if getting home is beyond my control if I suffer panic again. It also feels as if the agoraphobia symptoms are still haunting me, maybe even sometimes like it's claustrophobia. I avoid lifts wherever possible as i fear getting stuck and having no control, i feel strange in crowded places or anywhere where escape may take time and effort, if travelling i like to be the driver so that i have the control and means to turn back if i want - somebody else having the control makes me anxious.
As mentioned, I'm 30 now and still don't feel right. Missing yet more holidays abroad depresses me somewhat as i know my fear and anxiety of panic has got the better of me and ruling my life. I regularly have a feeling of pressure in my head coupled with dizziness and inability to concentrate, i've had it for years now and know it's anxiety related (i'm well past the worrying it's a tumour or something). I've lost 3 girlfriends, whereas they knew of my problems - it was the constant let downs of me avoiding situations that did it, avoiding trips/holidays/social occasions that inflicted fear of panic. I am in a good job now but regularly make some mistakes or have lazy days because I have been unable to concentrate.
I've been living steadily working 5 days a week, and the odd night out with friends at weekends. I am a member of a gym and i attend perhaps 3 times a week, usually for a swim and relax in steam room/jacuzzi. I occasionally come out feeling much better and feel that it helped loads, however i can't seem to push myself into any decent exercise - if i do cardio in the gym, or swim a fair few lengths i become conscious of my heartrate and it brings back the bad thoughts and eventually anxiety symptoms again. The pressure feeling in my head increases and although i don't have a panic attack (probably due to the citalopram), I do enter that horrible anxious loss of control feeling.
I've had enough really, it's affecting every aspect of my life and any means I have to enjoy myself. Sorry, I didn't mention councelling - I have seen a councellor 3 times and I'm sorry but no matter how hard i try I can't relax the feelings with breathing exercises or putting my mind elsewhere - once anxiety and panic hits you, there is not much you can do to escape.
I was last referred for CBT therapy, this was however through the NHS and I really really can't explain to my employer that I have to take an hour and a half out of work once a week to attend therapy at the mental health clinic. I have however been given a contact for a private therapist who specialises in CBT and holds appointments in evening hours. It costs around £40 a session but I am willing and able to pay if it will work. I suppose my reasons for coming here was to ask advice on:
a)can anyone relate to my anxiety problems and advise on how best you recovered/dealt with them?
b)should I be getting myself checked for any other health problems due to the symptoms (in particular the pressure in my head, also coupled with dry mouth, dehydration) or are these merely just anxiety related?
c)is there anything else I can try or do to improve my way of life and become more social and 'me' in general?
d)is the CBT therapy my best way to go forward and what have your experiences/outcomes been from CBT if any?
Thank you so much for reading & look forward to your advice,
Regards
Rob