debbsi

[william wallace]

I was rather insensitive and chauvenistic on your thread entitled 'husband looking at porn - really upset' last night. I can only offer my apologies.
Sorry about that:blush:

[suzy-sue]

Id just like to say I read your posts William and I think its not so much what you said but the way you said it .Im sure Debbsi will appreciate the apology .It s obviously all been very upsetting for her .Its always good to hear different opinions .This forum isnt about telling people what they want to hear all the time .But at the same time Theres a way of putting you point across .Im sure you didnt mean to cause anyone upset .T/c Sue x

[debbsi]

thankyou william for your apology - I wasnt upset by it as such - just didnt find your comments particularly helpful, Im sure you meant no offence - and your apology means a lot x

[william wallace]

Really nice of you to get back to me on this Debbsi. The very last thing I would ever do is deliberately upset someone. My comments were a bit cold, and in future I will think very carefully before the final click. Sorry about that:flowers::foot:

[debbsi]

No probs - consider it forgotten, xx

[Bill]

I don't know what was said on the other thread but the main thing is that it's resolved and it was resolved by an apology being accepted which raises a point...

Rather than join the debate on the other thread, I feel there is one very important to remember when in a relationship or with close friends and that is that whenever something surfaces that raises a concern to one of the parties concerned, you must Always "Talk". It doesn't mean confrontation. It just means that - Talk.

If you don't talk to each other about concerns, nothing gets resolved, even if you fear upset or arguments will result.

There are always 2 sides to any coin but to understand the other sides actions, you have to listen to what they have to say. Barriers, grievances, mistrust, etc are all created by silence. Relationships and friendships have to be on equal terms with give and take. If needs aren't met or too much burden is put on on side, there will always be friction and resentment which will fester if left in silence.

Something I always believe in is using "diplomacy" before going to war and it doesn't matter what the subject matter is. The important thing is to "Talk".

Sadly in programmes like Eastenders where Paulas brilliantly funny sketch wouldn't be out of place, they believe in attacking first which is where I feel such a bad example is set. I just find it laughable because of the unreal living hell they portray. "Real" people don't act like that but they make you think everyone does so it's no wonder there is so much upset and mistrust in this world.

Anyway, whenever you have a concern about a partner or friend...just talk (and Try not to argue!) to them no matter how frightening the idea feels or nothing ever gets resolved. Just a thought. William may have been wrong in whatever it was he posted but I do feel he has done the right thing in offering his apology. He talked, you listened, and that's how it should be. :hugs:

[debbsi]

true words as ever bill :)

well things are going really well - just wish we had talked sooner, i got great advice from my cbt therapist, and me and dh have had a couple of good chats about things which i would normall be embarassed to talk about - but i actually felt great as you should with your dh

anyway thanks everyone again for you wonderful advice, and main thing is everything seems ok, and we both feel much happier :D

[Bill]

That's good to hear.:hugs:

Just a couple of thoughts...

I don't really feel the other thread tackled the cause. I feel alot of the debate was about the symptom. What I mean is, in every relationship each partner will have their own needs and if one party isn't happy, they Must talk to their partner about how they're feeling. However, just because they aren't happy, it doesn't mean to say that their partner is to blame because any relationship has a two sided coin with give and take. For instance, if he isn't happy with you, rather than go elsewhere, he should be talking to you about how he's feeling which then gives you the opportunity to explain your reasons and understand how he is feeling.

What happens then is you have two parties taking opposite stands but through diplomacy you can then end up at a compromise that keeps both sides happy. It could mean he needs to give more to receive more or vice-versa but silence always creates barriers which then leads to one or both parties looking for other options.

Whenever we have a fear about something, if we have a partner who truly loves us, a compromise can nearly always be found because of that bond but they need to work with us as a partnership to keep that bond together but we also need to trust them to enable us to talk openly about our fear. Of course once the fear is overcome, the bond becomes very strong so there's then no reason for veering away because both parties are then very happy with what they have and therefore upsets are less likely and more easily overcome through the trust that has been established.

I feel in any relationship, they have to be worked at but there must be trust, openness, give and take to create a strong bond but where a deep love exists, any upset can be overcome. Often as you're finding, a therapist can help both parties to open up to each other.:hugs:

[debbsi]

hi bill
it may not have tackled the cause - but i think ive been searching for a cause for year - and it only dawned on me 18 months ago what it was, we had drifted apart as i felt taken for granted and we didnt 'talk'. Problem is even though i felt i knew the cause i didnt have the confidence the tell him!! Until something like this forced me to, and whereas im not completey over what has happened, i feel like a huge barrier has been broken down, i feel in love again (i know that sounds corny) i feel like a new more confident me where our relationship goes, and your right about the silence - it truely is the main cause of our problems. I wont let it get like it did again and i hope he wont either

[Bill]

I don't know the details of what went wrong so I'm speaking generally about any relationship in the following...

I would guess that when you've lived with someone for a long period of time it can be easy to take them for granted and forget to show how much you value them. Talking is a major part but so are actions. If you don't show how much you love and care about someone through actions, the words I love you can feel meaningless. After all, how often are those words used when a pair have been together a long time anyway!

I feel the same applies to intimacy. Wanting to have sex can be totally different to wanting to make love to someone because the former can simply be about relief and pleasure whereas the latter is showing how much you love someone by wanting to give them pleasure. I think when you've been together a long time perhaps the romance can be forgotten but the partner can still be expected to perform when no love is being shown.

Generally speaking, I feel in any relationship you should never feel afraid of talking to your partner because your partner should be your closest friend who you should feel you can talk to about absolutely anything but if you're not shown how much you're loved I can see how easy it would be to not want to talk about your feelings.

Personally, I'd never want my partner to feel they couldn't talk to me because their happiness would be most important to me. If they weren't happy I'd want to know because I'd want to be there for them to help them through whatever it was that was troubling them, even if it was something that involved me. If they were sad, I'd be sad too.

Have you ever seen the film Keeping Mum? Part of the story is about a vicar who gets so wrapped up in his work that he forgets to show how much he loves his wife so his wife ends up feeling taken for granted and unloved. The mother-in-law realises what is happening so she tells the vicar to read the Song of Solomon from the Bible. It awakens him to bring him back to her. This is that part...and this is how I feel a woman Should be loved...Forever...but then I guess I'm a romantic and in my experience it isn't the real world... Take a look and show this to him!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kKHKKkA1rQ :hugs:

[debbsi]

hi bill
wow ive never seen that film, just watched the clip - how lovely and romantic :)
thing is i think i can take the blame on that part - i was the one wrapped up in work, housework, children, study etc but also then feeling taken for granted - this has gone on for all this time. Now i feel that a barrier has been removed - he started helping with the housework stuff last year but i still hadnt been able to change in the bedroom dept iunwim!!

anyway things have been a lot better the last few days, we both know how each other feels, i just hope we both continue to feel this way, although according to my cbt i shouldnt be thinking or worrying about that - so im just going to try to enjoy our relationship for what it is - i now feel strong enough to tell him how i feel without worrying about upsetting him and making him feel rejected.