Manipulating People

[Lion King]

Hi all,

Sick to death of manipulating people!

I go through the world as a transparent person, If I have an issue I deal with it as an adult and not like a person who just sits and talks behind other people's backs and fester on issues rather than dealing with them. I am open, maybe too open and people maybe see this as a threat as I am possibly manipulating other folk into being the same so that I can feel comfortable and anxious free.

How are we suppose to live in this world, I don't want to be controlling and I don't want to be controlled, it is impossible to live in a world of non-judgement and expect to get by.

My weakness is possibly that i have an inferiority complex and I have no mind of my own and I am making decisions based upon how I am perceived by others as a good person and not judged badly so that I feel no guilt. But if I feel guilt my anxiety soars and I think bad things will happen, how do I escape this, do I become hard faced and emotionless? I don't know, I feel confused and don't know how to deal with this, can anyone help?

Thanks for reading

LK

[Bruno58]

LK

I find your question interesting and...I have to say..complex!

I'll have a think but I'm not sure I can give you a complete answer or even a good one!

I certainly can't off the top of my head!

Need to study what you have written, might take a while though.

one question if you don't mind..ok if you can't or don't want to answer...

How and why did you choose 'Lion King' as your forum name?

J.

P.S. can anyone help out here?!

[debs71]

Hi Lion King,

I also think that what you have posted sounds very thought provoking, but I am unsure as to exactly what you mean.

Are you concerned that you are manipulating people? Or that people might think you are manipulating them?

First thing I would say is that if you are a transparent person as you describe yourself, manipulative people are usually - in my experience - the complete opposite of that as transparency and manipulation don't usually go hand in hand. If anything, people who manipulate others are deceitful and underhand.

I can relate to what you say. I too am not one to talk about people behind their backs. If I have an axe to grind with someone I keep it to myself as I hate gossiping about others having been bullied at school and been on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour. I don't tell people straight either as I dislike confontation and anything for a quiet life is my motto. I just keep my head down and get on with it.

You mention that you think you have an inferiority complex, and perhaps this is why you are focusing so intensely on your behaviour and actions, and how you think others are perceiving you. You are not alone in that, and I think low self-esteem plays a part too.

I can very much relate to this as I am sure many of us here can.

I don't have any great answers for you I am afraid as I am not sure I would be answering you in the correct way as I am a bit unclear about your post, but what I would say is that maybe you should try if you can not to dwell on others thoughts about you, or their reactions to you. Whatever people think about you, you have little control over. All you can really do - and anyone can do - is be true to yourself. Obviously nobody wants to be so true to themselves that it impacts badly on other people. That is when we really do have to modify our thoughts and behaviour.

Try if you can not to focus heavily on this. When we are anxious we analyse and over-analyse EVERYTHING, whereas most people just let it go over their heads and just get on with life.

Sorry I don't have any great words of wisdom for you.

x:hugs:

[Bill]

I think what you're saying is that you are a very open person and you feel others might think you're manipulating them to also be very open to stop you feeling anxious about what they might or might not be thinking or saying behind your back.

Also, I think you're feeling that you don't want to control others to behave live you or allow them to control you to behave like them for fear of being judged badly on your own behaviour.

Lastly, I think you feel you need to make decisions as "a good person" to please others so that you avoid being judged as "a bad person" if you did what "you" would prefer because if others don't agree you then feel bad so they then create feelings of guilt which cause you to feel anxious.

If I've got that right, the simple answer is just be "you" and do what "you" want to say and do regardless of what others might think of you. You are a person in your own right just like others so you shouldn't be trying to please others all the time because in this way you're trying to keep safe and avoid feeling anxious but in actual fact keeping safe All the time creates tension which then sensitises you to times when it's impossible to please or when people get upset with you. You have to say and do what you feel is the right thing to do by using your own conscience. If your conscience tells you you've done the right thing, if others get upset you can then remind yourself that your conscience is clear so they are the ones who are wrong and have to deal with it.

You doubt yourself probably through lack of confidence but only by learning to trust your own conscience and decision making can you build your confidence.

Anxiety makes us want to play safe at all times so that we avoid anxious feelings . It doesn't matter what the scenario is whether as the agoraphobic, fear of being in crowds, upsetting people etc, we always try to take the safe option to avoid those anxious feelings. In doing so, we never de-sensitise ourselves and we never build confidence in our own ability so anxiety then rules our every thought process and actions we take every day.

Just try to allow yourself to feel anxious because the feelings always gradually subside. Each time you allow yourself free of your safe path, you gradually build confidence because you then discover nothing bad actually happens. It's just your anxiety creating worries based on your fears. We can't control others and nor can we control our thoughts. Any form of attempting to control anxious feelings will result in tension because we're then trying to resist feeling anxious feelings. If you get anxious thoughts, don't dwell on them or try to block them. Just feel them and let them go by moving on to something else to keep your mind occupied. It really doesn't matter what others think - what counts is you feel you've done the Right thing so just be You and do what You feel is right by using your conscience and own beliefs as your guide regardless of others. Since you worry so much about others thinking you're bad, I can only believe that you are actually a good person because you care about upsetting others so your conscience should be a good guide to use.:)

[WolfieKate]

LK

I live my life in a very similar way to you. You may have come Codependency traits. It's where you live you life as a people pleaser and you do things to ensure that people like you and you want to appear helpful and pleasing even if its actually not what you want to do. And if you do stand up for yourself you then feel incredibly guilty for doing so.

Coda have a great website and they do group meetings if you like 12 step stuff. I also have a counsellor who is helping me work through these issues.

http://www.coda-uk.org/index.php?page=patterns-characteristics-of-co-dependency

It's also really good that you recognise that you do these things! It took me years to realise that I was behaving this way. I apologise all the time to get people on the back foot before I am even having a conversation with them! It drives me mad. I daren't do anything to offend in case there is some kind of karmic retribution. And yet as humans it is perfectly within our rights to offend and disappoint to protect our own needs as long as we are not doing it maliciously.

All I can say is you have to keep working at it. Trying to be authentic. You don't want to be hard faced and emotionless but you don't want to be a people pleaser either. The real person is in there. I find it so hard to be genuine as my self esteem is so rubbish that any rejection is taken very hard.

This is wikis explanation and you don't have to match all the patterns to have this issue.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

Hope that helps a bit. I am 42 and I have been this way for decades. I find it almost impossible to be myself in any given social situation so right now I am struggling as I want to be me but then I want to apply a veneer over the top. It's very difficult.

Kate :flowers:

[Lion King]

Thank you for your responses, I have felt great releif that my issues although a little unclear at times has been recognised.

I have just read the CODA website I can completely relate to the stereotypical traits, especially seeking approval from others or taking other peoples opinions above my own to feel worthy but disloyal to my own beliefs.

I have had CBT to deal with anxiety but feel I only scratched the surface to my own characteristics, I feel at first I became a strong person but in time the CBT values slowly slipped away and I reverted back to anxiety avoidance, so engineering and re-inventing myself for acceptance and removal from any source of bad judgement and guilt would not appear or pop up to provoke anxiety and nervousness.

I was bullied at school for a short period but this has affected my fundamental thought processes for acceptance and not being in the spotlight, so I faded into the background and became introverted, struggled at college to settle in, failed relationships through lack of having confidence in being myself.

Thank you everybody, I feel I can tackle this. :):):)

PS. Lion king is my son's favourite character, so I adopted it cos it sounded good. I don't think it was meant as a metaphor! :)

[WolfieKate]

You sound up for this LK.

Having a strong personal belief system is a great place to start. Mine is terrible! I have inherited some really bad beliefs and values from my parents and I am trying to throw them out of my head! I want to have a firm set of values and beliefs which belong to me and that I will hold true to without feeling the need to re-engineer them in front of others. I always feel I go into situations and I try to be what I think the other person wants me to be? Instead of just thinking this is me! Take it or leave it, no guilt, no fear of retribution! Lol.

I wish you luck.

:flowers:

[Lion King]

Hi Wolfiekate,

I love the name by the way, I know it will take time to re-affirm these believes but in order to do so I need to just start to believe in myself and make personal goals where I can be measured without the need for external input.

I have spent a long time like this, I have peaks and troughs with absolutely no consistency, one day I am brave the next I'm regretful and hoping I haven't upset anyone or done anything wrong. I guess at my age at 35 it is hard to change a life time of habits overnight.

I need to be subtle in my approach and not jump in with 2 feet and drown, I need to lock myself in a bubble and do some soul searching.

Thanks for your time, I appreciate anytime people have to offer.

LK x

[Bruno58]

Hi LK

Well, you are in the right place for advice and hopefully you can make progress now, I think its best for me just to watch, I can't say I've had the feelings you have..not specifically anyway, I do understand a lot of your post but I'm sure others are better placed to advise now.

Yes I thought your 'name' would be influenced by family or something like that, mine is just the name of my old GSD, he's gone now but the name Bruno has followed me and stuck! 58 is my age of course.

:)

J.

[Lion King]

Thanks Bruno, its a cool name! :D

I'm happy people can take their own personal time to respond, this site has helped on so many occasions that it is a credit to whoever created it.

All the best buddy:)

[Bruno58]

He was a cool dog! I'd post a photo of him but I don't know how or even if it can be done on here, not seen any photo's so maybe not, there is a photo on a flickr page I started..not much there yet but 1 of Bruno.

Take care of yourself and keep posting.

J.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/67462684@N04/