my friend is really upsetting me

[Kate21]

I don't know what to do.
My friend is also on meds and hasn't been well for a long time. His depression is very bad.
He is so good to me when I'm in a state though and always comes and talks me down and is there for me.
But when he is ill theres no reasoning I've tried everything i can think of, I take chocolate round, I've written things down (no printer) about all the different therapies for him because he didn't know much about them. We've gone for walks, watched films, I've tried to see he goes to his therapist but he wont go back and now he has to go back on a waiting list if he wants it.
I'm frightened he will kill himself, he's attempted a couple of times (that I know of).
I'm trying to recover myself and struggling and I just want him to be getting better too.
I feel so ashamed because I also feel angry (i havn't told him this) that he didn't go to his therapy. I know it's not for everyone but I like so many others really want to go see someone am still on the waiting list and have been for ages and he just sods it off just like that. I feel so selfish for thinking this way.
what shud i do?

[Kate21]

I can't just do nothing though :-( i feel useless.

[Anxious_gal]

You need to change the things you can and accept the thing you cannot change.
He is his own person, he is responsible for him self.
He has choices and he chose not to go to therapy, it seems he is in a self destructive stage.
You cannot force him or talk him into getting better, he has to be in a place where he wants it.
If he is on meds he may not be taking them.

From my own experience with friends and family there is only so much you can do at the end of the day the choice is there's to take the help that is offered.
It is hard to see a person be their own worst enemy but you can't save someone from themselves.

Ask what he wants you to do and what he doesn't want you to do, that way he can tell you how he wants you to help.

[Kate21]

thanks mishel, Yes he is on a destructive path and I know he's stopped taking his meds. He says he's tried everything else and he's on the highest dose now so he doesn't see the point. taking him for lunch tommorow to see how he is and get him out of the house (also get me out of my house!).
it's so horrible to see a person go through this now i know how my mum must have felt with me :-(
thankyou for the advice xxx

[shotokansho]

Hey! I couldn't believe it when I read your post, I have just been through the exact same thing with a very good friend. He had a 16 year relationship break down because his partner cheated on him. He went into a psychosis and ended up being sectioned. When he was released from hospital he was still very ill and refused any help from professionals and refused to take his meds. He relied heavily on me because I have been through mental health issues myself.
What he didn't realise was that it was bringing me down trying to help him all the time. I have had alcohol issues in the past and he kept knocking on my door to go for a pint and a chat, he would cry and I would go home feeling a little drunk and depressed. He would also tell me he will kill himself and explained to me how he would do it. This put immense pressure on me, to make sure he was okay, even though he wasn't my responsibility I felt like he was. I would walk to his house in the night just to check he was ok, without even a thought to my own safety, I would have blamed myself if he had done something and I hadn't have checked on him.
What I am trying to say is that it's ok to try to help people, it makes you a good person and shows how caring you are and how much you care for your friends. But when you are not well yourself it can take it's toll on you when it is constant, please don't call yourself selfish, you are far from it. All you can do is be there for him if he needs you, but make sure you look after yourself too.

Kez xx

[Anxious_gal]

If his meds are not working, it can be very disheartening for him, doctors saying oh take a higher dose and you feel better but where does that leave him if it doesn't work?
Hopefully he hasn't tried ALL the meds and might find one that helps him :)

[Dizzy_Dave]

We all die in the end, and if he wants to take his life, that's his choice, it's nothing to do with your actions so don't feel responsible, it's the only little bit of power over ourselves we have left these days, so he probably feels very tired of life, and I know exactly how he feels. If he does, wish him well on his journey as he's out of his misery. You must concentrate on yourself.