a bit about me

[april tones]

hi all, i know i have been on here for few weeks now but i thought i would add my story to here. I hope i can be of help to people too, any questions just ask. ok, here it goes, about 3 years ago something happened to me which caused alot of stress to me, few weeks after i started to get bad panic attacks but didnt know that then. I thought i had brain tumour or stroke, it got worse untill my supervisor at time said she was booking me appt at docs as she thought it was deppression and panic attacks and she was going through it and had been on seroxat for few years. I went docs, they didnt listen much, gave me seroxat and put me on list for councelling. First week of taking meds i had terrible side effects, hallucinations etc and carried on with them, i was not scared of taking meds back then, nothing bothered me unlike now, ha ha.It upset my parents, they were so worried, i felt like mad woman, when i had panick attacks i had all symptoms you can possibly get and had floor moving beneath me, i stayed on tabs over a year, increased them alot. When i come off them i was normal again. Looking back i cant get over how i improved. I remember freaking out about every thing, especially death and a war happening here. The tabs defineatly worked. But less than year and half ago while pregnant with my first child, my son jack, 6 months. I had panick attacks again and worried about various pregnancy complications, i had nice young doc who really helped and sent me to counceller again who really helped, showed me relaxation techniques, talked about panick attacks etc and i handled them yet again. At the time of my pregancy we moved twice, nearly had no home untill we managed to buy 2 bed flat, it was stressful, then my sister lost baby, and then mom abnd dad sold house to move abroad so you see i had a lot of triggers, i couldnt believe i was ill again and thought it would go till i had my baby and had panick attack in hospital on night. i lingered on till 3 weeks ago and came on here and read someones post about if you was ill with say diabetes you would take meds wouldnt you. i then thought i need to get help, so went to do docs and he was brill, gave me exeffor, they was horrible for few days then brill after that, no side effects. horay! i told doc i am having unwanted thoughts and strange things imn my head and thought it might be ocd as i have alot of symptoms, he seemed to think i didnt. I am feeling better, not much anxiety, dont feel weepy, no panick attacks since first few days of meds, more positive about things, not as scared of death or meds but unfortunately still got unwanted thoughts and find them very distressing as they are out of character for me. But least im alot better and having no cloud over my head and feel i can cope now. Hope i havent babbled on to much, love april x

apriltones

[Meg]

Hi April,

Most anxiety sufferers get unwanted thoughts that linger on for long periods and get almost obsessive but it isn't OCD. OCD usually follows rituals and involves some 'doing' task not just in your thoughts . You sound like usual anxiety and panic.

I'm glad that you're feeling so much more in control and it seems like you really had emotional overload which caused its return this time.

Thank you for sharing .



Meg

"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We're afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We will fall!"
"Come to the edge."
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.

- Guillaume Apollinaire

[nomorepanic]

April

Glad to hear that you are feeling a lot better on these new meds.

As for the unwanted thoughts, can you tell us what sort of things?

Nicola

[me]

hello april, welcome to this fab site, it is so so helpful and everyone here really understands. you sound like you have really been through it but you also sound like your in control which is really good x like you i have horrible thoughts which started along time ago but after seeing the doctor and taking some meds they went away ,but a couple of months ago i had my first panic attack and with that came the bad thoughts again, i thought i was going mad ,they really scared me, i wanted to be locked up but with the help from my family, friends, everyone here on this web site, the doctors, meds and a change of life style im getting so much better and so can you x i see a counsellor who i tell everything to, she is fab, how often do you see yours? do you take vitamins? i have started and i really do think they help there is abit on the website that tells you all about vitamins, ive also started to eat better, although i still love my chocolate ha ha, but im not drinking any caffine. i also have seen a hypnotherpist ( dont know if ive spelt that right!!)which i think has helped me but its quite expensive, but im sure its all about taking time for you and having relaxation times to chill out, we live in a very fast world and tend to do to much and we dont relise how much we do do hope that makes sense ha ha x well you take good care of yourself love from mary x

[april tones]

hi all, thanks for lovely replys. Its great to have support from you all, it really helps. thanks mary that bit you put has made me feel not alone, i feel exactly the same as you have been. My thoughts are like eg. i accidently banged my sons head few weeks ago and then i felt bad even though it was accident, i think that triggered unwanted thoughts that i was careless and it made me paranoid of accidently hurting him again. Then came thoughts of i would never want any thing bad to happen, then my voice says yes you would. or like you horrible person etc. Its like all people i love and care about i want to protect and some times worse case scneraios come in my head and i think why that entered my head i must want that to happen, its always things like i want this to happen or hope this happens, its like oppositte to what i would want to happen. Its really hard to explain. I hope im explaining ok. I had obsession with getting things perfect like my sons clothes perfectly straight and no bulges from nappy, i would constantly fiddle with every thing then worry why i was doing it, it just annoyed me that it didnt look right, then i found my self thinking i shouldnt look at him there and list goes on, and questioning every thought. its not as bad with meds but still distressing. I managed to tell partner and he said everyone gets silly thoughts, even he does like when we kiss our baby son on lips, is it ok? of course, he is our son. I think it because there is a lot of bad peoplke and things that happen that make you question yourself about innocent things, life is strange x

apriltones

[april tones]

meg, that bit about most anxiety sufferers get unwanted thoughts is reassuring as i never knew that, i do alot of research on it all as it helps. my unwanted thoughts feel like a physical habit but its mentally instead, does that make sense. Its like all horrible thoughts i have had i remember them and punish my self for them, i did feel i was going mad before i took meds, i just used to cry on my own when my partner was at work, (nights) and son was in bed. I think being on my own alot was problem too, i dont drive and nor do any of my friends who have children too so didnt see any one. Partner has changed shift temporary and we all happier.

apriltones

[april tones]

what sort of thoughts did you have mary if you dont mind me asking?

apriltones

[Meg]

You've not said anything that would make me think this is anything other than usual anxiety nasty thoughts intruding.

I'm sure Lucky will help reassure you tomorrow. She used to have lots of unwanted thoughts about her children and naturally they worried her terribly.

Everyone gets these thoughts but we hold onto them and take the story further and further and get more and more scared and upset. Most non anxious people just dismiss them as rubbish and move onto something else.

I think being alone with kids is enough to set anyone off... Glad to hear shift patterns chenges have helped but you might want to think about meeting people in walking/ pram distance so if things change again you'll have company closer by.

Glad you now recognise you are not going mad.


Meg

"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We're afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We will fall!"
"Come to the edge."
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.

- Guillaume Apollinaire

[april tones]

thanks for reasurrance meg, im glad you think its just nasty anxiety thoughts and you understand, I did think i was going mad, its a horrible feeling isnt it. That be brilliant if lucky could chat about her experiences, im sure it would help me, thanks all x

apriltones

[Laurie28]

Hiya April,

I said a wee bit about the 'thought's in 'a wee story'

I was basically terrified I was going to go 'insane' and hurt my kids

The fact that these thoughts are upsetting you April shows you are a good person and not going to hurt your son

Anyway I was a mess and even thought about leaving home at one stage.

My partner worked nightshift and he had to take time off work. I remember saying to him, you can't go out what if I hurt someone - what if I go insane (I never had urges to hurt anyone just those damn thoughts) He told me he KNEW I would NEVER hurt anyone most of all the kids but my fear was very real.

After speaking to my health visitor, doctor and CBT therapist I realized I was not a nutter but I was letting these thoughts take over my life

I remember saying to my partner I would rather kill myself than hurt my kids (i wasn't suicidal) but I was so scared I was a wreck and even put objects on my bedroom floor incase i done anything during the night.

I know this might sound very bad to some people but pls be assured that these thoughts were very very upsetting and even though I had no intention and would never ever hurt my kids I really thought I was going insane and so terrified.

it is very difficult writing this but I am better now and you will be too April, pls don't read too much into them as they are only 'thoughts' I do understand.

the good news is that I no longer have these thoughts as I have learned to let go of them as soon as they arrive.

Lucky

[april tones]

hi lucky, thanks for telling me your story. I understand how hard that must have been to talk about it all again. Sound very similar to me. I hope i get better and no longer have them, since meds they have been better but not gone. I am good person like you said, very loving and caring, i love my son with all my heart, i couldnt live without him and am so grateful i have him thats why these thoughts hurt so much. thanks, lucky, love april

apriltones

[Laurie28]

Hiya April,

The fear of peoples reaction to my thoughts was and still is a great worry, would people think I was truly going insane - am I going insane etc. I, like you have a supportive partner who was 'big' enough to support me and admit that everyone gets instrusive thoughts. My fear is that people would think I was a bad person. I know that i'm not and I know that the likes of Meg and Nic who have replied to you post will not think that but you will always (i feel) get someone who will think so.

Anyway April you will be fine and however distressing it is at the moment you will get 'through' it. Anything u need just ask

Love
lucky

[april tones]

its true, you have hit the nail on the head. How old are your children? did you worry abot getting pnd when having another baby? thanks, love lucky. ps im feeling really good today, feels like deppression part is really lifting.hope you feeling good too.

apriltones

[april tones]

sorry lucky, meant to say love april. silly me!

apriltones

[Laurie28]

Hiya April,

I never got PND with my 1st (non sleeping screaming nightmare of a baby!)(but did with my second (little happy, all night sleeper joy to have baby!!) very strange! I must admit I would be scared of PND if I had another baby
My oldest is 6 (nearly seven) and my youngest has just turned one.

I'm glad your depression is lifting April - keep at it!!!

Love
Lucky

[kate]

My son, now 15, was also a nightmare non sleeping, always crying baby but I didn't get PND.

My daughter, now 12,was always asleep, never moaned, ate fine but I got PND.

There is no way I would ever have had any more kids after the PND, was just so scared of it happening again that I sent hubby for the snip when she was 6 months old!!

Take care both

Kate x

[Laurie28]

Yip Kate I tend to agree

I'm quite happy with my two (more than enough at times!!) the thought of PND again would be too much for any more
BUT
If you have had PND you are very carefully watched for signs by health visitors and such and it wouldn't necessarily happen again

Lucky

[april tones]

its funny how it all wrks out. My son had colic, and reflux now.He has suffered quite bad with teething too. But he is very happy baby, everyone seems to say he is content and happy. When i went for first booking appt i had my family history took and i told them my nan had pnd very severe and bad deppression, they were looking out for it but then we moved and had to change docs so they were not so good. My dad suffers from deppression and panic attacks and is on propanl after years of not going docs, i try tell him he is having panic attacks but he doesnt like talking about it and thinks its not and that he has heart problem. Its so strange seeing my dad go through what ive been through but he wont let me help. H e has had tests of all kinds and nothing physically wrong with him. I think its obviously linked in my family.

apriltones

[me]

hello april x its mary here, im so so sorry ive taken so long to reply but my computer has been poorly, ive just read all your messages and they have put tears in my eyes. oh april i have the same worrys i thought i was the only person to have such horrible thoughts, i hate them. i always wanted lots of children but sadly i cant, ive tried ivf (everyones seen up my hole ha ha)and everything else, ive had to get used to the idea im not going to have any, 7 years ago i was in a very very bad relationship he totally confused my mind, looking back i cant understand why i stayed with him so long, i was with him for 10 years what a wally! anyway my little sister had a little girl who i love more than life, she is so special to me, one night when she was a baby i went to bed and as i was going off to sleep i thought "what if i hurt her" it was awful, i wanted to cut my hands off so i never could harm her i was so scared but i couldnt stopthinking horrible things, i went straight to my doctors the next day and told her what i had thought and told her i was going mad but she was a lovely doctor and she knew all about the bad relationship i was in, she got some people round to see me straight away who reasured me i wasnt going mad and it was the man i was living with.... well to cut a very long story short i went onto antidepressants and slowly felt better the thoughts only popped in when i felt really low well i left the guy after a few years and met my husband who is so wonderful and caring and in the last 6 years i have felt great... i started to feel run down a couple of months ago , i have been fostering alittle boy for the last year, working full time, helping my mum come to terms with the death of our dad and rushing around for everyone else one night i had a horrible thought which made me feel sick i told my husband who told me i was ok and he reasured me i was a good person , so i went to my doctors which is a new one and he said it was best for me to go back on my antidepressants which i did i thought they were the ones i used to take but he had given me seroxat... which made me have my first panic attack thats when i came onto this site which has helped me so much but with the panics the thoughts came back too, but not just about my niece but anyone i loved it has been awful i was prepared to have myself locked up at times i was that frightend of my own thoughts, i just couldnt handle them, i always am a good, helpful and cheerful person i wouldnt hurt a fly i kept wondering why am i getting these awful thoughts , but with the help of so many people i am starting to feel better im not panicing like i was and the thoughts arent as bad as they were thank goodness im seeing a counsellor who is wonderful and ive seen a hypnothrespist(im not sure about that but it is relaxing ha ha)its so nice to meet someone who knows what im talking about i hope you are ok and have had a lovely weekend i really must stop wafferling you must be so bored with me sorry x well you take care love from mary x

[april tones]

hi mary, thanks for your lovely message. It is nice to speak to someone who is experiencing exactly the same. Every one on here has been brilliant but it is also nice speaking to someone with same problem. You sound alot like me. What do you think triggered your thoughts? im not sure with mine. Not sure if it was cause of my pnd which i tried to ignore. Hope you feeling good today, hopefully speak to you soon. Really glad you posted. MADE ME FEEL EVEN HAPPIER! IM NOT ON MY OWN, HA HA

apriltones

[me]

hi april, how are you? hope your ok x please dont thank me, you really helped me so so much too, so thankyou.yippee its the bank holiday are you doin anything nice hope you are im off on holiday with my mum on tue we are going to tenerife im abit worrying about going but im sure ill be ok when i get there. my first thought came years ago when i was with the horrible boyfriend i went to bed quite late , the horrible boyfriend was decorating (it was about 1am in the morning so goodness knows why he was dcorating at that time! but he was, nothing was normal when i was with him)i put the telly on and an old black n white scary film was on (which was wierd cause i never watched scary things i still dont) but for the short time i did watch it a man stabbed a lady which really frightened me...then i turned the telly off and tried to go to sleep and thats when i had my first horrible thought it totally freaked me out it makes me feel horrible thinking it. anyway lets think of nice things, have you got nce weather where you are hope you have, its all dull and cloudy here boo hoo, we want sunshine i think it makes everyone feel so much better. i better go ive got a busy day you take care love from mary x

[april tones]

hi mary, no we not doing much weekend. Went to visit my sister she has moved near us. Its my fiance's b.day monday, think we gonna go to ikea. Where about in england do you live? we live in worcestershire. Our little boy has said his first word so that is a happy thing. It is dadda!! ha ha. Take care, love april

apriltones

[me]

hello april its lovely to hear from you x i live in norwich, and its not very sunny today boo hoo. it was beauitful yesterday all sunny and warm but today its all grey and wet...not nice, im off round my sisters in a while cause its my lovely little nieces birthday today so ill be stuffing lots of jelly and icecream ha ha. your going to ikea oh i love that place i love going and havin a good old spending spree. how lovely your little boy said his first word, that must be so heart warming, my friends little girl said her first word the other day too it was da da as well.im off on holiday tomorrow im going to tenerife with my mum im so nervous about it i dont want to leave my boys for a week.well you take care ill speak to you soon lots of love from mary xx

[me]

april sorry its only mary again i forgot to say i hope your fiance had a good birthday take care from mary x

[april tones]

hi mary, i passed on happy returns, hope you have lovely hol and i will speak to you when you return, take care, love april

apriltones