Zingara
18-10-11, 13:40
Hi,
I have been having a desperate time with stress lately. It's everything - unemployment, severe financial problems and resultant pressure upon my relationship with my partner, which is very distressing. I also have ongoing health problems, and a few new worries as well.
On Sunday I was staying at my parents' house, as my partner had his boys to stay. My mum wanted me to go to church, so I got up and she gave me a lift, but I felt anxious and unable to go in, as I am prone to upsetting thoughts about religion, death and hell etc., and they all seemed to sweep over me. So I went and had a coffee in town. I don't often drink 'proper' coffee, only instant at home, so I don't know if the caffeine affected me, but within about 15 minutes of drinking it my heart was pounding, my legs and arms felt like jelly and I needed to go to the toilet urgently. I really hate using public loos, but I had to, but still felt really shaky. I went into church just for the last part of the service. Then my mum picked me up, and normally we would just have gone home, but she wanted to call in at her church because there was an event going on after the service. So she dropped me off in the park and I walked to my own house, still feeling really ill and strange. When I got there one of my partner's boys was there along with another boy I didn't know at all, and they were playing violent computer games (something that really upsets me and is a source of friction between me and my partner). I felt really agitated at this, though I did my best to be nice to them. But I felt I couldn't stay, and got a taxi to my mum's house. Then the shaking came on so badly I felt I couldn't control my limbs, I started to get properly scared. My dad was there, but he has never been able to cope with emotion or distress, and he just looked at me disapprovingly when I came in crying and shaking. Anyway, I managed to calm down a little as the afternoon wore on, but then, in the early evening, I began to have chills and feel light-headed, which set the whole anxiety cycle off again. I felt terrible and unreal all the rest of the day, and then felt that I couldn't face going to my own house, even though usually I really look forward to getting home on a Sunday night. I felt that I couldn't face my partner; I was in a dreadful state.
Yesterday was an unremarkable day filled with the usual anxiety, but then this morning (Tues) I was woken by pain in my stomach and have had some diarrhoea this morning. I was filled with panic because I am severely emetophobic and utterly terrified of getting a stomach bug. It seems to have passed off a little now but I am still very scared. I honestly don't know if it was a relatively mild stomach upset or just anxiety??
I have had so much going on lately - it seriously would take me hours to explain all the dramas and pressures. I went back to work for the first time in three years this last week - only to fill in for someone who is off sick - and at first I enjoyed it, but then some of them started to tease me quite intensely and brutally - it is a very macho environment - and I started to feel hot and panicky, and was very glad to get home. There are a lot of other things going on as well.
I am also trying to retrain in modern languages at the moment, which involves me having to travel quite a long way for a practice session every now and then. I'm supposed to be going on Thursday, and daren't cancel as I have done so several times already - because of anxiety attacks or a shortage of money. I feel that if I cancel again I will have to tell them the whole story about my panic etc., or they will think that I am not committed. The whole thing makes me even more anxious.
Thank you to anyone who's read this far! It is good to write about it, really. In addition to all this I get terribly sad and nostalgic so much of the time. I really don't know where to turn. Does anyone else find coffee a trigger? Can chills be just an anxiety symptom? I really want to avoid anything like that happening again (though I know only too well that it will!)
I have been having a desperate time with stress lately. It's everything - unemployment, severe financial problems and resultant pressure upon my relationship with my partner, which is very distressing. I also have ongoing health problems, and a few new worries as well.
On Sunday I was staying at my parents' house, as my partner had his boys to stay. My mum wanted me to go to church, so I got up and she gave me a lift, but I felt anxious and unable to go in, as I am prone to upsetting thoughts about religion, death and hell etc., and they all seemed to sweep over me. So I went and had a coffee in town. I don't often drink 'proper' coffee, only instant at home, so I don't know if the caffeine affected me, but within about 15 minutes of drinking it my heart was pounding, my legs and arms felt like jelly and I needed to go to the toilet urgently. I really hate using public loos, but I had to, but still felt really shaky. I went into church just for the last part of the service. Then my mum picked me up, and normally we would just have gone home, but she wanted to call in at her church because there was an event going on after the service. So she dropped me off in the park and I walked to my own house, still feeling really ill and strange. When I got there one of my partner's boys was there along with another boy I didn't know at all, and they were playing violent computer games (something that really upsets me and is a source of friction between me and my partner). I felt really agitated at this, though I did my best to be nice to them. But I felt I couldn't stay, and got a taxi to my mum's house. Then the shaking came on so badly I felt I couldn't control my limbs, I started to get properly scared. My dad was there, but he has never been able to cope with emotion or distress, and he just looked at me disapprovingly when I came in crying and shaking. Anyway, I managed to calm down a little as the afternoon wore on, but then, in the early evening, I began to have chills and feel light-headed, which set the whole anxiety cycle off again. I felt terrible and unreal all the rest of the day, and then felt that I couldn't face going to my own house, even though usually I really look forward to getting home on a Sunday night. I felt that I couldn't face my partner; I was in a dreadful state.
Yesterday was an unremarkable day filled with the usual anxiety, but then this morning (Tues) I was woken by pain in my stomach and have had some diarrhoea this morning. I was filled with panic because I am severely emetophobic and utterly terrified of getting a stomach bug. It seems to have passed off a little now but I am still very scared. I honestly don't know if it was a relatively mild stomach upset or just anxiety??
I have had so much going on lately - it seriously would take me hours to explain all the dramas and pressures. I went back to work for the first time in three years this last week - only to fill in for someone who is off sick - and at first I enjoyed it, but then some of them started to tease me quite intensely and brutally - it is a very macho environment - and I started to feel hot and panicky, and was very glad to get home. There are a lot of other things going on as well.
I am also trying to retrain in modern languages at the moment, which involves me having to travel quite a long way for a practice session every now and then. I'm supposed to be going on Thursday, and daren't cancel as I have done so several times already - because of anxiety attacks or a shortage of money. I feel that if I cancel again I will have to tell them the whole story about my panic etc., or they will think that I am not committed. The whole thing makes me even more anxious.
Thank you to anyone who's read this far! It is good to write about it, really. In addition to all this I get terribly sad and nostalgic so much of the time. I really don't know where to turn. Does anyone else find coffee a trigger? Can chills be just an anxiety symptom? I really want to avoid anything like that happening again (though I know only too well that it will!)