so tired

[swgrl09]

I am just so tired!!!!!!! Anxiety wears me out so much. I am just venting, and I know there are a lot of people worse off than me so I should not complain, but sometimes you just have to.

I have had a pain in the butt year! A lot of you probably already know through my posts, but I lost my mom to a brief battle with an extremely rare cancer. She died a month and a half after her diagnosis, and seemed perfectly healthy up until then. She took care of herself, went to the doctor regularly, etc. So this rattled my brain a lot and really shook me up on the health anxiety front.

Then over the summer my brother-in-law really violated me, I won't get into details about that, but I was pretty traumatized. Needless to say since then my sister has chosen to stay with him and is not angry at him, but angry at me instead. He has done this to other people while theyve been married, and she has still chosen him. So I have essentially lost my sister this year too. And her twin, my only other sister, has been protecting her.

I work full time and am in school full time as well, so not much free time to really process these things.

I just am exhausted. Now I've got work drama going on, and not to ramble, but I really don't feel like dealing with crap any more. I feel badly because I am always feeling awful. I realized with my counselor this weekend that my anxiety is there to keep my mind away from my intense anger about my mom and about the brother-in-law and my grief/sadness of losing my mom. It makes me hate my anxious self less, but I feel like I am in a lose-lose situation because if I let go of the anxiety, I am left to deal with this anger unlike anything I have felt and this sadness beyond anything I have experienced before. But the anxiety is ruining me and ruining my relationship. I never am in the mood to be intimate with my boyfriend, who I live with. I fake it once in a while, but I really just don't want to do it. I feel guilty even though he tells me never to feel guilty, that he understands.

I just feel so many frustrating emotions at once and I am so tired. I want a break so badly! Then I come into work and my coworker is accusing me of messing with her files - which I'd have no reason to do. NOt like that would normally upset me, I'd just let it roll of my back, but I'm just so sick of crap right now.

I am sorry for venting, I know some people have it a lot worse than me. I just feel badly putting this all on my bf all the time.


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[eva82]

Wow you've been through so much! No wonder you are feeling so run down. Just having an anxiety disorder alone causes people to become very fatigued easily. I sounds like your body and mind both need a break. If you can't go on a mini vacation try some guided relaxation everyday. My therapist has me doing either a breathing meditation, guided imagery, or muscle relaxation meditation once a day. It helps the mind and body rest, recharge, and it helps quiet down our constant mind chatter (which is usually negative).

I have found many free guided meditations on YouTube and other websites. Just a simple google search can point you in the right direction. Try it once a day for a week and see if it helps! Xx

[swgrl09]

I really should try meditation exercises again. I have tried in the past and just could not quiet my mind, I felt even more frustrated after because I thought something was wrong with me and I wasn't doing it right. But I guess I will keep trying, it has to work eventually! Esp if I am this tired, maybe it will come easier this time.

Thanks!!!

[eva82]

Yes at first it is easy to feel discouraged because they take practice to master. It's also important to remember not to do them when you are feeling really anxious. To get the most benefit from meditation, try and practice it when your anxiety levels are at the lowest. For example, I am really anxious in the mornings but by evening time I only have mild anxiety. So I do one 10-20 meditation in the evening. Just give it a try and let me know how it goes! Wish you the best xx