ladybird64
18-10-11, 22:27
Hi to all on the forum, those that have been around for a while and those just starting to come to terms with their "issues".
I haven't really been here for a while, have done the odd post or two but for all intents and purposes I moved on from NMP earlier in the year..the time seemed right to make my move. :)
For those that don't remember me, I have had anxiety/panic attacks/agoraphobia (all nicely entwined!) for more than 25 years, closer to 30.
I joined NMP after trawling around on the internet, trying to find out if I really was exceptionally highly strung/crazy with all my weird issues and feelings, terrifying fear when out, when thinking about going out, in places that made no sense, bridges, queues..the list was endless.
I had never really sought help for what was bothering me, too proud and too busy raising a family and going to work..staying at home was not an option I had but believe me, every waking moment was fear filled.
So, I find NMP and things start to make sense, bit by bit. I had a brief spell of exposure therapy (a few sessions) but as anyone knows, it is very difficult to keep that going by yourself..besides, I was just not ready.
During my time here, I asked a ton of questions, got lots of information, bought the Claire Weekes books, asked for support and tried to do my bit to support others. I used the chatroom for a laugh and to talk with friends but always remember that when someone came in with a problem the atmosphere changed immediately and everyone did their best to help the person in need..it was a valuable resource for me.
In the end it was some posts from here and the info therein that turned things around for me, having the knowledge that it was in my hands to make changes. I could have help and support, help from meds if necessary but the only way to move forward was to start to make the changes necessary.
I started that process last year, using what I had learnt here. Don't get me wrong, it is still scary but there is only one way to move away from fear and that is to start to face it yourself..at your own pace.
I had a list of agoraphobic fears that was endless, maybe some you will recognise. Fear of..wait for it..bridges, queues (shops, post offices, banks etc), being inside big buildings, being outside big buildings but standing next to them, being stuck in the middle of a busy road while crossing, advertising hoardings, open spaces such as parks, closed in spaces such as underground stations (my biggest fear), train stations, bus stops..draws breath..walking down certain roads/routes so I had to walk a certain way otherwise I would be terrified, seaside promenades, piers (mind you, still haven't dealt with that!), beaches, hillsides, anywhere new..and eventually..the small road outside my house, my front garden..my world was becoming smaller.
With the help of a 6 month supply of Citalopram, I made some major breakthroughs with walking here and there, I had started to work on the "so what" factor. So what if it happens, if my mouth goes dry if my heart pounds, if I feel dizzy..let's see what happens before I start to be terrified. And it didn't. Well, it did but nowhere near as bad as before, unpleasant but not unbearable. I had started making new memories.:)
I came off meds in my own fashion (the cold chicken cure :winks:) which in retrospect wasn't the best idea. I did have some re-emergence of the old problems, was not completely panic free but it was NOT as bad as before. I did sweat, shake and shiver and the old heart pounded plenty but that knowledge was still with me, that I couldn't REALLY be hurt or harmed..these sessions usually ended with plenty of swearing on my part. :D
I am going to stop boring you now and fast forward to the past 6 months. I decided to move away from NMP because it was time to try it alone.Earlier on as I said, I used the forum for advice and lots of it and in the latter months, I tried to help others who were going through a rough time. I think there comes a point with all of us who are making very good progress (I won't say recovered cos I don't believe I was ill) when we have to stop surrounding ourselves in anxiety issues, whether ourselves or other peoples and try to manage without asking for help continually.
This is most definitely not a criticism of NMP (I think Nic and the various mods and admin know me well enough!) but is a fact. NMP provides us with a very large part of what we need to learn about our conditions, what help there is available to us, the support that we need to move back into the outside world..it is up to us to make that move, when we think the time is right.
I think the last time I had a PA was about Jan or Feb of this year when I texted a certain member of this forum and asked her to kick my ass and remind me not to flee..she duly did this, kindly of course. :D
I have texted others (you know who you are :hugs:) and told them my tales of woe, my escapades while facing my fears, we have laughed together. We have exchanged emails and these are people who will remain my friends, offering me love, comfort and firm but gentle words while I have faced some of the most difficult situations in my life.
I have sent them and probably bored them with pictures of my life recently. My holidays, my time on the beach, my time on the trains and most recently my time on the London Underground. I went on the tube (albeit with my eldest daughter) to go and visit my youngest daughter in a hospital for people with behavioural difficulties. The last six weeks have been the most heartbreaking I have ever faced. In the midst of this and with the support from people I met here, I have held fast to the knowledge that I am stronger than any anxiety, depression, fear, or phobia.
To go see my daughter I had no alternative but to use the tube. After 28 years of being terrified beyond belief to even enter a station, I did it.
The initial journey was just a spur of the moment, while out with my eldest I decided that would be the day that I would try. I did and was sucessful and have since made the journey across London twice.
This Friday I am making that journey again but have decided this time, I go alone. The best time to challenge myself is when I am teetering on the edge of "I can't do it" or "you must be bloody mad Ange".
I'm not mad, I'm living again. Not fearLESS, I wouldn't expect that but I have made some journey in the past 3 years and it is still ongoing. In fact, I find my thoughts wandering to what I can take on next..honestly!:scared15::yesyes:
There is ALWAYS hope, no matter what life throws in your direction...even in the most difficult times, I promise. BUT..you need to make the step yourself. Forums like this are wonderful and I owe my wellbeing now to NMP but I'm sure they will agree that when forum users decide to happily leave and go it alone, then the forum has done it's job.
So, you know why I moved on..it was my time to start living again. :)
I thought it was time to come back and post this to give some hope for others, you can feel better. I do occasionally read posts here but know that sterling advice is always available for those in need.
Many thanks NMP and to the wonderful friends I made here-you helped me deal with life again.And you can't get a better endorsement than that folks.
Never surrender! :hugs:Good luck for the future all x
I haven't really been here for a while, have done the odd post or two but for all intents and purposes I moved on from NMP earlier in the year..the time seemed right to make my move. :)
For those that don't remember me, I have had anxiety/panic attacks/agoraphobia (all nicely entwined!) for more than 25 years, closer to 30.
I joined NMP after trawling around on the internet, trying to find out if I really was exceptionally highly strung/crazy with all my weird issues and feelings, terrifying fear when out, when thinking about going out, in places that made no sense, bridges, queues..the list was endless.
I had never really sought help for what was bothering me, too proud and too busy raising a family and going to work..staying at home was not an option I had but believe me, every waking moment was fear filled.
So, I find NMP and things start to make sense, bit by bit. I had a brief spell of exposure therapy (a few sessions) but as anyone knows, it is very difficult to keep that going by yourself..besides, I was just not ready.
During my time here, I asked a ton of questions, got lots of information, bought the Claire Weekes books, asked for support and tried to do my bit to support others. I used the chatroom for a laugh and to talk with friends but always remember that when someone came in with a problem the atmosphere changed immediately and everyone did their best to help the person in need..it was a valuable resource for me.
In the end it was some posts from here and the info therein that turned things around for me, having the knowledge that it was in my hands to make changes. I could have help and support, help from meds if necessary but the only way to move forward was to start to make the changes necessary.
I started that process last year, using what I had learnt here. Don't get me wrong, it is still scary but there is only one way to move away from fear and that is to start to face it yourself..at your own pace.
I had a list of agoraphobic fears that was endless, maybe some you will recognise. Fear of..wait for it..bridges, queues (shops, post offices, banks etc), being inside big buildings, being outside big buildings but standing next to them, being stuck in the middle of a busy road while crossing, advertising hoardings, open spaces such as parks, closed in spaces such as underground stations (my biggest fear), train stations, bus stops..draws breath..walking down certain roads/routes so I had to walk a certain way otherwise I would be terrified, seaside promenades, piers (mind you, still haven't dealt with that!), beaches, hillsides, anywhere new..and eventually..the small road outside my house, my front garden..my world was becoming smaller.
With the help of a 6 month supply of Citalopram, I made some major breakthroughs with walking here and there, I had started to work on the "so what" factor. So what if it happens, if my mouth goes dry if my heart pounds, if I feel dizzy..let's see what happens before I start to be terrified. And it didn't. Well, it did but nowhere near as bad as before, unpleasant but not unbearable. I had started making new memories.:)
I came off meds in my own fashion (the cold chicken cure :winks:) which in retrospect wasn't the best idea. I did have some re-emergence of the old problems, was not completely panic free but it was NOT as bad as before. I did sweat, shake and shiver and the old heart pounded plenty but that knowledge was still with me, that I couldn't REALLY be hurt or harmed..these sessions usually ended with plenty of swearing on my part. :D
I am going to stop boring you now and fast forward to the past 6 months. I decided to move away from NMP because it was time to try it alone.Earlier on as I said, I used the forum for advice and lots of it and in the latter months, I tried to help others who were going through a rough time. I think there comes a point with all of us who are making very good progress (I won't say recovered cos I don't believe I was ill) when we have to stop surrounding ourselves in anxiety issues, whether ourselves or other peoples and try to manage without asking for help continually.
This is most definitely not a criticism of NMP (I think Nic and the various mods and admin know me well enough!) but is a fact. NMP provides us with a very large part of what we need to learn about our conditions, what help there is available to us, the support that we need to move back into the outside world..it is up to us to make that move, when we think the time is right.
I think the last time I had a PA was about Jan or Feb of this year when I texted a certain member of this forum and asked her to kick my ass and remind me not to flee..she duly did this, kindly of course. :D
I have texted others (you know who you are :hugs:) and told them my tales of woe, my escapades while facing my fears, we have laughed together. We have exchanged emails and these are people who will remain my friends, offering me love, comfort and firm but gentle words while I have faced some of the most difficult situations in my life.
I have sent them and probably bored them with pictures of my life recently. My holidays, my time on the beach, my time on the trains and most recently my time on the London Underground. I went on the tube (albeit with my eldest daughter) to go and visit my youngest daughter in a hospital for people with behavioural difficulties. The last six weeks have been the most heartbreaking I have ever faced. In the midst of this and with the support from people I met here, I have held fast to the knowledge that I am stronger than any anxiety, depression, fear, or phobia.
To go see my daughter I had no alternative but to use the tube. After 28 years of being terrified beyond belief to even enter a station, I did it.
The initial journey was just a spur of the moment, while out with my eldest I decided that would be the day that I would try. I did and was sucessful and have since made the journey across London twice.
This Friday I am making that journey again but have decided this time, I go alone. The best time to challenge myself is when I am teetering on the edge of "I can't do it" or "you must be bloody mad Ange".
I'm not mad, I'm living again. Not fearLESS, I wouldn't expect that but I have made some journey in the past 3 years and it is still ongoing. In fact, I find my thoughts wandering to what I can take on next..honestly!:scared15::yesyes:
There is ALWAYS hope, no matter what life throws in your direction...even in the most difficult times, I promise. BUT..you need to make the step yourself. Forums like this are wonderful and I owe my wellbeing now to NMP but I'm sure they will agree that when forum users decide to happily leave and go it alone, then the forum has done it's job.
So, you know why I moved on..it was my time to start living again. :)
I thought it was time to come back and post this to give some hope for others, you can feel better. I do occasionally read posts here but know that sterling advice is always available for those in need.
Many thanks NMP and to the wonderful friends I made here-you helped me deal with life again.And you can't get a better endorsement than that folks.
Never surrender! :hugs:Good luck for the future all x