View Full Version : Lost identity and facebook!
Hi guys!
Does anyone else feel this? That they've lost their identity and aren't sure how to 'be'? Do you find that facebook can make you feel inadequate?
It sounds crazy, I know, but since starting my degree I feel more isolated than ever. Granted, its an OU degree so is very isolatory but I could be around a load of people and feel the same. I actually love my own company, as well as being with my fiancee, family and close friends (coffee more than nights out) yet wonder at times if I should still be going out a lot and doing more with my life? Looking at fb at times makes me feel worse. i see people my age who still go out a lot and I put pressure on myself. I worry that I'm a hermit as I don't want to do all that anymore (I partied hard pre 26 - I'm now 36).
I'm getting married next year and we'll hopefully be trying for a family at some stage. Plus I have my degree. I think having walked away from my passion - acting - I just feel at a loss. It had to be done as it makes you so depressed yet I'm more lost than ever. Why can't I just be happy with what I have? With my wonderful family and fiance who loves sitting in and watching boxsets with me :)
I feel so ungrateful yet so lost :(
I think getting married and trying to start a family is so much more significant and rewarding then just going out a lot or partying. I am 29 and got married/started my family when I was young..at 22 years old. I sometimes would feel like a hermit also, when comparing my everyday life to my friends who were out partying all the time. But you k ow what? I would never trade a night at home with my husband and daughter, just sitting watching a movie or cuddled on the couch reading a book to her.
Sorry to use the old cliche "the grass is always greener on the other side" but it is so true in this case. I just recently went to my 10 year high school reunion and met up with an old friend confided in me that she gets kinda jealous when she sees how many of us are married now and with kids. So I guess as humans we always wonder how life would be different if we had more money, a better body, more friends and so on. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and try to enjoy every minute you have with your fiancée and loved ones during thai exciting time in your life! :)
That's exactly why I got rid of facebook. It really does run on the idea that something better is always happening right now. What's wrong with just living in the way you want to?
It's not about being ungrateful, I think there's a real skill to being happy with what you have, and its not one that's encouraged. If it was then who would buy all those ridiculous identity-giving products?
If you think that going out drinking will make you happier then do it, if not then maybe it's better not to worry about it.
Good luck!
Dizzy_Dave
21-10-11, 08:30
Hi guys!
Does anyone else feel this? That they've lost their identity and aren't sure how to 'be'? Do you find that facebook can make you feel inadequate?
It sounds crazy, I know, but since starting my degree I feel more isolated than ever. Granted, its an OU degree so is very isolatory but I could be around a load of people and feel the same. I actually love my own company, as well as being with my fiancee, family and close friends (coffee more than nights out) yet wonder at times if I should still be going out a lot and doing more with my life? Looking at fb at times makes me feel worse. i see people my age who still go out a lot and I put pressure on myself. I worry that I'm a hermit as I don't want to do all that anymore (I partied hard pre 26 - I'm now 36).
I'm getting married next year and we'll hopefully be trying for a family at some stage. Plus I have my degree. I think having walked away from my passion - acting - I just feel at a loss. It had to be done as it makes you so depressed yet I'm more lost than ever. Why can't I just be happy with what I have? With my wonderful family and fiance who loves sitting in and watching boxsets with me :)
I feel so ungrateful yet so lost :(
You feel like this because you are living a lie and not being true to yourself or others around you. Are you studying for a degree to feel accomplished to impress others, or is it actually for yourself? Think hard before responding. I've had simular thoughts and have come to the conclusion that I have lived for others more than myself, hence the lost feeling. Hopefully in my next life (if we get another chance) I will live totally for me, and not worry about what 'is the right thing to do' and just please myself, because all the people I see do this have charmed lives. Facebook is a platform for show offs with no real lives, I use it, but to stay in touch with overseas friends, but I also have the idiots who show off too, I ignore them as they are just attention seekers imho.
evil monkey
24-10-11, 22:26
There is also this that I get. If I post something 'not positive', and it gets ignored or no responses, then I begrudge putting up positive or regular posts. Because I think "if they can't be arsed or ignore it when it's not lovely, then I'm not going to improve their day with something good". Which means I end up not posting much at all, which in turn means I sort of end up disappearing.
Thanks for all the replies peeps. It's appreciated greatly that you take the time out.
Dizzy_Dave, I'm not living a lie at all. I chose the degree because I've wanted to do since I was 19. I don't have anyone to impress at all. I can certainly see your point though, a lot of people do such things to please parents or 'prove' to others that they can. That's not the case for me though. I have already had an acting career(ish) as that's the career I followed. I've simply grown up and realised that I want some stability. I adore my degree and it's one of the things keeping me happy.
---------- Post added at 12:14 ---------- Previous post was at 12:13 ----------
Samsa, you're sot on about facebook. I'm gradually drifting away from it...I really believe it causes problems for people!
---------- Post added at 12:15 ---------- Previous post was at 12:14 ----------
*spot
Interesting how each person perceives Facebook. Me I use it to keep in touch but I find the people I thought were cool in my life use it the most, I see the fact that they are sat in each day typing and browsing FB. I suppose its a little like sitting down the pub hoping someone you know would come in.
I really feel sorry for most of my friends on Facebook as I do for myself sometimes. Facebook is designed to make you feel better about our lonely 21st century life. Ironically we are too busy Face booking to go out there and live it. Instead we crave comments that boost our ego and make us feel better.
Interesting thread.
Mee
Munki,
Don't give up with the acting, and don't leave it to long if you intend to have a family. Time flys by so fast.
About facebook. I joined the other week. have not got a clue how it works,
Well thats me-- too old.
M155anthr0p3
27-10-11, 11:40
Facebook is the root of ALL evil :scared15:
M155anthr0p3
27-10-11, 12:03
What makes me laugh is I had about 500 "friends". 3 of which I probably liked.
Account - DELETE.
LOL
Best way. I really think FB is to blame for a lot of things. I find myself comparing my life to others and wondering if I'm popular enough. I'm 36 for gawds sake! Surely I have enough to think about with my degree and a wedding, erm, MARRIAGE to think about! It's ludicrous and I can see that.
I look at it and think I need more friends so start sending texts! Also, and this is something that's destroying me is the wedding fear - will hardly any of my friends turn up! This has been a large concern for me. While we were doing lists, I found myself comparing group sizes and still have a worry that his friends will make me look unpopular. Apparently I've been like this since I was a child, worrying that people won't come to parties yet they always do and then some. I found myself thinking back to friends wedding and seeing how many friends they had there. This is actually a very real and longstanding problem of mine which goes back to my initial post (going out, being popular etc).
Is this a normal anxiety or does it require help? I wonder if it's a larger fear. It's the concern that friends actually feel sorry for you and if you didn't make the effort, they wouldn't bother. They have kids and I don't so of course they have other priorities. My partner makes me his priority and it upsets him that I worry so much about friends. My Mum says the same thing. I think because I'm living at Mums (until we move out together, imminently) and I'm doing my degree, I worry that my friends think I'm a loser. Also having followed teh acting path and not having a 'real' job, do they just think I'm pathetic and useless.
I find this really hard and don't know if it requires help or if i can learn to rationalise. Does anyone have the same and if so, how do you deal with it?
Thanks so much guys, you're great :)
You know Munki, you have to stop comparing yourself to others. The problem is others seem so popular, having a great time, happy, all the time but this is just a façade, this is not the the truth. I agree you lose touch with all your social friends when you have children, it becomes a priority to find other families so you can let your kids play with other kids, The problem being your kids may not like your friends kids and so it is harder. I think this is just a phase. Everyone at some point in there lives uses there friendships to compare there own lives. I have a lot of acquaintances but I feel I am very deep so I only have a small handful of friends. Real friends, friends I can moan and groan to. Quality not quantity, I say! Stop thinking about yourself and begin to look outward at other people, analyse there lives and soon you will find it is not so rosy after all.
You are totally normal so stop worrying stop analysing...easier said than done lol...enjoy life!
Mee
Absolutely right. Spot on. I hate being self obsessed yet appear to be doing a damn good job of it. You'd think a Psychology degree might help :blush:
Thanks Meewah. You nailed it! And I'm going to REALLY try...!
Munki
A psychology degree, well impressed! The thing is most psychologists and psychiatrists have a fascination with the mind due to having problems themselves. Most therapist I know are really messed up. But you know what they say, if you can help others it makes your problems seem half as bad. I'm sure that's what drives people to study psychology.
Take Care.
Mee
Littlehelper123
28-10-11, 22:59
facebooks taken over my social life and its annoying -_- everyone in my friendship group relies on facebook to communicate and tbh i think its stupid. What happened to going out to find someone to meet up with as opposed to 'facebooking or 'tweeting' or 'bbming' ... laziness! lol xxx
Anxious_gal
29-10-11, 01:54
hmmm, i like facebbok ,
I can see the photos of my cousins new baby in Amercia,
It's great for keeping in contact with family,
I love when people post new photo's.
Haven't been out in ages so facebooks a great way to keep in contact with my friends.
Lol even bars and pubs upload photos :)
It's good to know whats going in town, charity events etc all send you invites.
It's only depressing if you compare your life to those you see on facebook.
I have less that a 100 friends, I don't add people I don't know.
You can hide your friends list, so you don't need to worry about your lack of "friends"
Ant time me and my friends threw a party facebook was great for sending out inivites, and i like the photos to look back and reminisce on, it's cool how you get few 100 photos from night out :)
A lot of my friends will print out the photos and hang them up in their home.
Okay, I'm struggling today and I'm pretty sure its down to my change of meds.
I've been doing so well and suddenly 'bang', I'm down again :mad:
It's this one friend who I've known since school. She's always been a 'best' mate though at school she was a bit of a bulls****er. She's always been pretty self obssessed and since shes had two kids she always wants to come to mine and just chain smoke! I ask if she wants to arrange stuff with our other halfs too but theres always some excuse which could actually be true! I've started asking her for coffee during the day as when she comes at night she literally stays until about 1/2am smoking non stop. Sometimes we do just natter but other nights when I'm shattered she just doesn't leave! I have no idea of she just can't handle home life with her two girls etc but I'm starting to take offence to it a little now. I know I should just tell her and believe me, I do but she just stays insisting on 'one more fag!'
Anyway, as always its me that feels bad. I haven't done the night thing for a while though I've suggested going out for dinners etc loads but no go. I even suggested a come dine with me (even though I don't cook...) and she declined. Next thing is shes doing a come dine with me with other mates!
Am I being completely OTT here? My Mum keeps telling me that at the age of 36 I shouldn't be even considering this stuff and that friendships at this age just 'fit in'. My best mate lives 2 hours away and we speak all the time, see each other and its just so easy ! How do I just be grateful for that friend and stop worrying about others??
Is this my meds???
I always think people who broadcast every event in their life on facebook are searching for some sort of validation that they are happy, from what i can see its almost like a competition on who has more friends, social life ect. I hardly ever write on my facebook, partly because i have no life lol and partly because i am one of those people who goes un-noticed, if i do write a status its barely gets one reply, that sort of sad and can make me feel down so i don't bother. Its nice to see where people ended up with who and so on but its also a constant reminder of how empty my life is. :/
Mindful, you seem very down on yourself. Maybe you DO actually have a life and the rest of us facebookers don't. I think're quite right. It's a competition in friendship stakes and one that I don't really care to partake in any longer.
Most of my friends have kids now and I don't so I'm at that awkward time..
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
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