oh no_1
26-10-11, 09:58
I know this isnt no where near as been described as success as other stories on here but was kind of the hardest thing ive ever had to do (even more do than when i went to see a private counsellor for the first time back in feb).
well Monday I finally after it been suggested numerous times by my private counsellor and also my friend (she a nurse and only her and my counsellor and people on here know anything). decided to go about my feelings as got asked numerous times on chat what i had and well i didnt know, and then felt like i shouldnt be on this site as i didnt know and maybe it was nothing or just stress.
went to counselling weekly from feb till august and felt okay so we ended the counselling relationship, but just two weeks later i was in a worser state than before i started counselling even though id told her all the 'big things' about my past. I just dont understand? she then said she wanted to see me twice a week which i cant afford and for the first sessions ive had with her since sept she suggested i go to see my doctorr. took me all my strength as i hate even talking on telephone so booked it once i had my friend to come with me (bless her she been fab).
they only do one late evening as my friend a nurse and works so much bless her. and well heres what happened.
...gosh last night.... what a night...well was driving to docs and realised was 20 mins till app so pulled over, as didnt thnk my mate (who a nurse who came with me) wud get there till just before was time to go in, was hard to think what i was thinking, so much was going round in my head, was it just me, was i just stressed, over reactin, maybe this is just what life was like sometimes for everyone, didnt know really. my friend then text me to say she was there and waiting in car park for me, i drove to doctors car park and parked up but couldnt bring myself to get out of car. felt should be maybe tell her sorry for messing her about and just go home. she got in my car and wa sat talking to me, asking how i was feeling, telling me she was there and to be honest with her, and that it will be nothing she hasnt heard or felt herself. i could feel myself kind of, dont know, doing something so i keep it all in, dont know what i do, just know when im doing it, it just something what happens i guess as i just dont cry in front of people and cant make myself cry in front of people. she was asking me my plans for tomorrow and told her i was back at doctors at 8 30 in morning for dressing and then for blood pressure taking, she suggested we go and take mt blood pressure while we wait for appointment.
there wasnt anyone else in the waiting area, which i think was a good thing as didnt have me thinking people were looking and staring. took blood pressure which distracted me for few minutes.... obviously it was through the roof. sat down.... waited... no one was even in the doctors.... 10 mins after app time i was called, stood up slowly and slowly walked behind my friend to the room. she told me to knock, i kind of froze, never felt so scared, my heart was racing and my chest was hurting so much and then did and took deep breath went in, sat down.
she asked, well what was the matter kind of thing... my friend held my hand and i said well my counsellor suggested i come, but then couldnt bring myself to say anything after that. my friend then kind of said some stuff, she my friend whose a nurse (she told me lotd about her, and her life etc and keeps trying to reassure me), the doc was then asking me loadas of questions, i read couple of things of sheet but then i couldnt say any more, even though just had to read of sheet, was hard, i then just burst out crying, she asked if she could see the piece of paper, she read it aloud and i cried more, dont know why she read it aloud. my friend was trying to cuddle me but i just couldnt look at any of them for the rest of the appointment.
she gave me a depression rating questionnaire to fill in, gave me prescription for citalopram (although not sure bout it yet as scared of side effects), she explained i might need week off work as first two weeks is the worst before they start to get in system and work, but i cnt miss anymore time off work and dont want to have to need a sick note, she gave me number to ring the mental health team or something (hate that word mental health) for some CBT or something.... was alot to take in, told me to go back after i been taking the meds for 2 weeks to see how they are doing and to talk some more. as couldnt really tell her much, bit over whelming and i then came out and went straight into toilets and just cried, and then went and sat in my car and my friend sat in and i just cried and cried as she spoke to me for ages in the car afterwards. just kept apologising to her, i just couldnt have gone at all if wasnt for her. not sure why i cried so much as i just dont cry in front of people as you probably know by now. didnt get no sleep as my mind was obviously in overdrive thinking and thinking, was tryin to think about tablets but still not sure about them and not sure if to start taking them at all or if i do, when best as really scared of the side effects. had no sleep at all... none the night before and then an hour the night before that, totally shattered but then havent been able to drop off. i must do tonight, as cant go on any longer with no sleep surely.
well Monday I finally after it been suggested numerous times by my private counsellor and also my friend (she a nurse and only her and my counsellor and people on here know anything). decided to go about my feelings as got asked numerous times on chat what i had and well i didnt know, and then felt like i shouldnt be on this site as i didnt know and maybe it was nothing or just stress.
went to counselling weekly from feb till august and felt okay so we ended the counselling relationship, but just two weeks later i was in a worser state than before i started counselling even though id told her all the 'big things' about my past. I just dont understand? she then said she wanted to see me twice a week which i cant afford and for the first sessions ive had with her since sept she suggested i go to see my doctorr. took me all my strength as i hate even talking on telephone so booked it once i had my friend to come with me (bless her she been fab).
they only do one late evening as my friend a nurse and works so much bless her. and well heres what happened.
...gosh last night.... what a night...well was driving to docs and realised was 20 mins till app so pulled over, as didnt thnk my mate (who a nurse who came with me) wud get there till just before was time to go in, was hard to think what i was thinking, so much was going round in my head, was it just me, was i just stressed, over reactin, maybe this is just what life was like sometimes for everyone, didnt know really. my friend then text me to say she was there and waiting in car park for me, i drove to doctors car park and parked up but couldnt bring myself to get out of car. felt should be maybe tell her sorry for messing her about and just go home. she got in my car and wa sat talking to me, asking how i was feeling, telling me she was there and to be honest with her, and that it will be nothing she hasnt heard or felt herself. i could feel myself kind of, dont know, doing something so i keep it all in, dont know what i do, just know when im doing it, it just something what happens i guess as i just dont cry in front of people and cant make myself cry in front of people. she was asking me my plans for tomorrow and told her i was back at doctors at 8 30 in morning for dressing and then for blood pressure taking, she suggested we go and take mt blood pressure while we wait for appointment.
there wasnt anyone else in the waiting area, which i think was a good thing as didnt have me thinking people were looking and staring. took blood pressure which distracted me for few minutes.... obviously it was through the roof. sat down.... waited... no one was even in the doctors.... 10 mins after app time i was called, stood up slowly and slowly walked behind my friend to the room. she told me to knock, i kind of froze, never felt so scared, my heart was racing and my chest was hurting so much and then did and took deep breath went in, sat down.
she asked, well what was the matter kind of thing... my friend held my hand and i said well my counsellor suggested i come, but then couldnt bring myself to say anything after that. my friend then kind of said some stuff, she my friend whose a nurse (she told me lotd about her, and her life etc and keeps trying to reassure me), the doc was then asking me loadas of questions, i read couple of things of sheet but then i couldnt say any more, even though just had to read of sheet, was hard, i then just burst out crying, she asked if she could see the piece of paper, she read it aloud and i cried more, dont know why she read it aloud. my friend was trying to cuddle me but i just couldnt look at any of them for the rest of the appointment.
she gave me a depression rating questionnaire to fill in, gave me prescription for citalopram (although not sure bout it yet as scared of side effects), she explained i might need week off work as first two weeks is the worst before they start to get in system and work, but i cnt miss anymore time off work and dont want to have to need a sick note, she gave me number to ring the mental health team or something (hate that word mental health) for some CBT or something.... was alot to take in, told me to go back after i been taking the meds for 2 weeks to see how they are doing and to talk some more. as couldnt really tell her much, bit over whelming and i then came out and went straight into toilets and just cried, and then went and sat in my car and my friend sat in and i just cried and cried as she spoke to me for ages in the car afterwards. just kept apologising to her, i just couldnt have gone at all if wasnt for her. not sure why i cried so much as i just dont cry in front of people as you probably know by now. didnt get no sleep as my mind was obviously in overdrive thinking and thinking, was tryin to think about tablets but still not sure about them and not sure if to start taking them at all or if i do, when best as really scared of the side effects. had no sleep at all... none the night before and then an hour the night before that, totally shattered but then havent been able to drop off. i must do tonight, as cant go on any longer with no sleep surely.