View Full Version : PND and taking Citalopram 10mg advice please?

01-11-11, 21:19
Hi everyone,

I decided to sign up to the site today as I'm pretty tearful and feel a shadow of my former self at the moment and its so comforting to hear that I am not alone and that there are some great success stories. I need a bit of advice too so hoping you can help me sorry for the waffling but its the first time ive got my thoughts out of my head.

I am a mum of a 6 month old. I had a fairly rubbish pregnancy ill pretty much from start to end and once I hit my 3rd trimester my midwife referred me for scans as my bump wasnt getting very big. To cut a long story short after many hospital trips they concluded something was wrong, not enough water e.t.c. and he needed to come out that very same day via C section. They didnt know what was wrong and wasnt sure if he would make it though a normal delivery because I'm a first time mum e.t.c. and they wernt sure how much longer he could survive. Didnt really take it all in at the time but just went with the doctors - after all they know best... Didnt even have a bag with me - hubby had to drive off to mothercare and buy some premie clothes and ring my mum to let her know what was happening.

He was born at 36weeks weighing 4lbs 15 after inspection the doc told me we made the right decision as he wasnt thriving, had been starved whilst inside me. He had wrinkly skin where he lost weight and a huge tummy - which i can only descibe as one of those poor starving children in developing countries. I look back at pictures now and he looks like a skeleton - no fat on him at all - not even a bottom - just wrinkly skin and bone. He had no sucking reflex so was unable to breastfeed or even take expressed milk through a bottle so after the first night the midwifes had to take him away and put a tube up his nose and feed him through a syringe. I remember just laying in my bed on my own and i could hear them in the corridor and him crying :-(.

On a positive note he's doing really well now and loves his milk and food.

I think i have suffered with PND since about he was 6 weeks old but only sought help from my doctor when he was 5 months. I was only able to exclusively express milk for him for 6 weeks - it started drying up and then i was getting stressed out, he cried LOADS and wanted to be held (understandably but impossible for me to do both and then sterilize for next feed when he would take at least an hour, sometimes 2 on and off to take his milk)this meant i couldnt express, was getting up at all hours in the night to do it. Then i switched to formula slowly as i was starting to get angry with him for crying every single time i was trying to express and felt guilty for that so thought something had got to give. He got constipated on the formula and had a reflux which was really upsetting and then i felt guilty for giving in to bf so soon. It got so bad i was contemplating taking meds the other month to get the milk back and try to get him to latch on or express it. But i realised i was doing it for my own guilt more than anything and surely now my boy is setttled and happy with his milk it would be unfair to try to get him to do something he has never done. He got the first 6 weeks which is better than nothing - but it doesnt stop me thinking about that decision every single day. Feel like a bad mum.

I also live in a flat so i wasnt able to go out with him much once hubby went back to work because i couldnt carry him and the pram downstairs due to c section. There is nowhere secure to leave it and there is no lift in our block which meant it was just me and baby from 8 till 7. i think this was where the anxiety and guilt kicked in about absolutely everthing, then i lost my appetite would lay in my room with him during the day and not want to see anyone or do anything, just cry for no real reason and felt exhausted all of the time. Every conversation i have with anyone i relive afterwards and then think of all the negative things they might have drawn about me from that conversation - " i didnt mean to say that... or i wonder if they thought i was crazy when i said that...." Feel guilty about every decision i make for my son and my ability to look after him - and think I'm not as good as other mums.

Doc has put me on Citalopram 10mg which once i initially started taking the tablets thought wow i feel better, my mood has lifted, i have some energy to do things and started to smile again and thought this is what ive been waiting for. By week three i plumeted back down again with a bump - basically didnt want to talk or speak to anyone again, very irritable, tired, no motivation, anxiety, tearful e.t.c. I've now been on these for 1 calendar month and wondered if anyone was experiencing the same issues or had any experiences they wanted to share on the subject? Should i still be feeling like this? The last couple of days have been very bad and i feel like i'm back to where i started? Should i got back to the docs?

I think ive been good at putting on a brave face wherever i have to and sometimes it helps, I sometimes laugh and think this laughing is helping. But on the bad days its so hard not to break down and cry - i sometimes feel like a space cadet. I'm not sure what my friends think - if i look like ive changed since having a baby - i'm certainly not the sociable happy person i used to be but i do try to put on a brave face when i see them - not sure if its confincing or not. I dont have anyone to talk to my hubby isnt very good with the emotions thing and is having a really tough time at work - business on the brink e.t.c and my parents are ill and i dont want them to get worse - plus my mum worries about everything.

Thanks for letting me waffle rather than talking to myself :-)

01-11-11, 23:30
One thing I learnt as a mother - never believe anyone who says it's all fun and easy :hugs:

It's only the first few days that your breasts produce the colostrum that really helps your baby with antibodies. It sounds like you expressed milk for that long and more. I can understand your frustration when he was crying and you couldn't express fast enough - especially as I'm sure a little part of you felt guilty that he'd not been nourished enough in the womb. Modern milk powders are formulated very close to mother's milk, so he should be fine.

I'm sorry your parents and husband aren't able to support you. Your hormones are still all over the place. Don't forget your baby was early, and delivered by CA, so your hormones will be totally confused.

I'm sure your friends don't wonder about you. They probably recognise you as a worn out, weepy, terrified new mum. We're told having babies is wonderful. Some parts are, but others are a nightmare for most of us. If you can, open up to your friends a bit - ask them how to do things, ask if 1 could visit of an afternoon so you can take a nap. You're body needs to recover too.

Most of all - use your Health Visitor. In a situation like yours she really can provide good support.

04-11-11, 10:42
thanks for your message - i think i was having a particularly bad day when i wrote that and overthinking things way too much but it might have helped a bit as all those thoughts are out of my head now :) . I went back to docs and booked in to see a counsellor later this month, he also put my dose up to 20mg. Not sure if its in my head but i certainly feel a bit better, not so anxious at the moment. I'm trying not to do too much as well - trying to be supermum as i dont think that helps. Fingers crossed this is the start of getting better :).