relatives causing stress

[poppi]

Hi, I'm new to NMP and have read some very useful info so far - thank you! What prompted me on Monday to get on board was a conversation with my brother's wife last weekend. She always has to be centre of attention and I am very frightened I will say the wrong thing and alienate my brother and his young kids. Can anyone give me advice about how to cope? We are meeting up later this month for a couple of days and I just know she will do nothing, talk a lot (mainly about herself), not listen to anyone and I'm trying not to lose sleep over it or panic. I know it sounds like I should not be bothered as we will never change her personality, but I cannot cope with my own feelings about her.

I feel a bit aggrieved as I knew after the 3rd time of meeting her that she just wanted my brother for what she could get - in 20 years of being together I have never seen them hold hands, have a carry on as you do when you are in love (especially in the early days when you are teens),and she treated us like servants whenever they came to stay with us, telling my own kids they didn't need to eat their veg (as I had asked them to) and don't do what your mum says if you don't want to (my kids were 6 and 8 at the time). I spoke to my husband and my mum but they thought I was being bitter and not giving her a chance.

My brother does most of the chores and works full-time while she is part-time and at times I think it his own fault - he is too soft but I do worry about his health and how much he does/how little R+R he is allowed. I have promised my Mum that I will not cause a fight and I mean it. Is deep breathing when I think of her/see her/be in her company the right thing to do or has someone got any other good ideas? Please don't think I'm a jealous big sister but I can't put this situation to the back of my mind never mind ignore it.

:unsure:
poppi x

[ditzygirl]

Oh hun, you can choose your friends but not your family eh?

Is there any way you can talk to your brother alone, face to face and in a calm manner. Explain that you love him and his family and are concerned that you may say the wrong thing and you don't want to fight with him. Do you know where you are going for the weekend, can you organise some of the time to do what you want ? even if its just a brisk walk in the morning to clear your head and calm you down?
I think your sister in law has low self esteem and desperate for people to love her.

We can't control who are siblings choose as partners and tolerance can be tested to the limit.

Try to take a step back coz you can't change any of this, you can only be there for your brother and his kids and what will be will be x

Good luck x

[poppi]

Thanks Ditzy, if the weather is ok we can get out and about, I just panic about being tense all the time. My brother has hinted several times about how he feels but accepts "his lot", he loves his work and is highly thought of so at least he has that. He knows we are there for him which is as much as we can do I suppose. This woman annoys me more than anyone else I have known, and I know she is basically insecure, it's just hard to think kindly of her. She never asks anything about what I/we do and there is never any conversation in her company - even if we start talking about something she has done it ends up with a monologue of how wonderful she is (with all the naf statements such as "I kid you not"........."don't get me wrong") with all the accompanying dramatics!

Thanks for listening! I'll have to be careful and not drink too much or then I may let myself down (brother is not allowed to drink much when we are there, altho' madam recently spent a weekend in bed after too many cocktails!)

:blush:

[ditzygirl]

forgive me here, sounds like a nightmare.

In all honesty if ur brother is hinting I think he is looking for support from you. You really need to spend some time with him alone. I think he is desperate to open up.

Accepting "his Lot" won't work long term, you are only here once, life isn't a dress rehearsal. And this marriage is probably detrimental to his children too. It sounds claustrauphobic and tense - what example is that setting?

There are always ways and means of moving on in life - to keep up a good job and be a good dad he needs to be happy emotionally happy or it will affect his health too in time.

Sorry I am not being negative here just honest.

And being careful on the alcohol might be a good move, whats the expression? The drunk person speaks the truth!!!

Lol Good luck and hope you can enjoy x

[poppi]

Thanks Ditzy, again you are absolutely right about my SIL. Her own mother knows what she is like and blames herself - I had the children stay with us for a few days' holiday and we had a lovely time. When we took them home (over 300 miles by road) their grandparents were there and we had a nice chat. Her mother had to TELL her to offer us a cup of tea after our long journey (our tongues were hanging out :mad:!) and when she eventually went to the kitchen, her mother apologised for her rudeness but said it was her fault, as she never put pressure on her daughter to do anything, so had spoilt her. Just to share my thoughts is a help and I will try not to panic too much next week - going to get some frankincense oil at the weekend to sniff and calm me down! I was feeling weak for not being able to control my feelings but will try and look on the positive side for the sake of my family.

[ditzygirl]

Oh hun, there is a part of me that feels sorry for all involved here, even your SIL, I don't think she is happy at all. Her rudeness is probably a cover for her feeling useless. There is nothing nicer than inviting people into your home and making them welcome. It sounds like you all have fab kids, and from what her own Mother has admitted you can see where it stems from can't you?

You sound totally lovely and I think if you go with the attitude of making the weekend fun for all of you, you might be surprised at what can be achieved.

I love this site for sharing your feelings and other peoples kindness always makes everything achieveable again.

Good luck and have a totally fab weekendxxxx

[poppi]

Thanks Ditzy, I bought some frankincense oil at the weekend to have up my sleeve (so to speak!) if things get fraught! My DH knows how I feel and is very supportive so I can lean on him. You are so right that sharing feelings with like minded friends is such good therapy; hopefully this time next week I'll be able to share some happy memories :hugs:

poppi xx

[poppi]

Well, weekend's over and not as bad as I thought, but glad it's Monday!

:D

[ditzygirl]

lol Well be proud of yourself for taking part and not falling out x