Back to work....should I be there?

[Anxietyriddled]

Hi all, I am new to this site, this is my first post. I have been reading the site for a few months as I knew I was getting worse before having a nervous breakdown 2 months ago.

I'm not new to anxiety, I've been aware of the issue since the age of 7-8 and have used many distructive things to try and self medicate.....food, shopping, alcohol, you name it, I've probably done it.

I've conquered most of my isms hence why I am left with the root cause. My head.....my anxiety.....scaredof living, scared of dying, scared of not being good enough.

After 5 weeks off work I returned and now I am on my third week of a phased return. I'm on the full dose of escitalopram, have started dipping into hobbies and generally am taking better care of myself. I will be receiving an appt to start cbt any day now and attend an alcohol support group. Sounds text book? I've read a lot!

I've worked very hard to reach my current position and have a very blessed life. On the outside everything is very "together". I am a successful mother of two young children.

So why do I feel no better? On one of my days off, I sat trembling on my sofa for several hours. I get all the symptoms which I'm now coming to terms with are due to my anxiety, but I'm frustrated that my mind is still sluggish, I still can't concentrate and I when I leave work all the physical symptoms come back. It's all so slow. I'm scared that my employer will just get pissed off and find an excuse to make me redundant. Big corporations have a knack of losing people like me and whilst I know I'm not incompetent, I can't tell them when I'll be better. I'm scared everything I have worked for will be lost.

Hmmmmm, anyway. I'm rambling. Not sure what I'm asking, but just wanted to get it out there.

Take care all
K x

[kirgray]

Hi K :)

Firstly I admire people who have children, i struggle looking after my 2 year old labrador lol!

i can totally relate to how you feel all ok on the outside, symptoms return on days off and when you leave work, could be the distraction in work that keeps them at bay and then they return when you have left. Dont worry about telling them when you will be better if they are a good company they will need to understand and help you along the way. You sound an asset to the company and all will be fine (wish i could listen to my own advise lol!! :winks:)

PM me if you want a chat stay strong xx

[Anxietyriddled]

Bless you. Thank you for your response. I find it so difficult to know when to say enough's enough. I actually don't know what is normal anymore and really struggle to know if I'm ill or if this is really normal.

K

[kirgray]

i know what you mean thats where i struggle i just cant beleive i can feel this rubbish through anxiety! but i guess thats what feeds my anxiety, youve done fab going back to work im signed off at the moment and dreading the day i have to return!! x

[DeeDeeBel]

Sounds awful for you- and familiar. I was taken into a 'disciplinary investigation' today chaired by my manager because they are aware I have a lot of stress and have seen a counsellor. I was basically pulled apart with no support at all, and a threat of further action because of my 'attitude'! Apparently my personal problems (which I only told my manager about because she acted like a friend) mean I am disruptive. I'm the bloody quietest person there!
If your work have been good so far, maybe they are a bit more caring than the company I work for, and it does sound like they've been ok. I hope they continue to be understanding, and that you get the help and support you need. The physical symptoms of anxiety are horrible, draining and depressing- I sympathise! Best of luck X

[sarahjb]

Hi, I can relate to your experiences. I ve had anxiety disorder for 20 yrs (9 medicated with antidepressants). I work within the social work dept. The counsel have recently recognised I have a 'disability' and are therefore covered by the disability discrimination legislation. I also have two children and to everyone it all looks fine.