Sick of pretending

[Humly]

I thought I was doing ok today, was starting to feel a bit more positive but now I feel like I am slipping back again and I am on the verge of breaking down and crying. I dont want to go to work tomorrow where everyone will be asking if I am ok and I'll be lying and say that I am fine. I am totally over reacting to my current set of problems, I know I am, but I cant stop myself. I am sick of putting on a front when deep down I just want to curl up and hide. Will I ever get through this? Sorry folks just feeling sorry for myself.

[nicola1980]

Hey hun, u will gey thro this but it will take time..........if ur anything like me u want immediate results but im afraid it doesn't work like that, im so impatient to feel 'normal' again that i think thats half my problem cause i am constantly thinking how im feeling!! I know u don' like to use ur diazepam but thats why the doc gave it to u for times like this.....i hated using it at first (still do if im honest) and my hubby or mum used to literally have to force 1 down me!!!, please use them this week to help u thro and then maybe go back to ur docs and see about some AD's :hugs: xx

[ronski]

Humly this rollercoaster of emotions is perfectly normal with anxiety. Go to work and accept that you will feel anxious, frustrated and wishing you were normal like everybody else. If you tense against your feelings more adrenaline will be released so face your issues and then use acceptance that yes symptoms, sensations will appear but just get on with your work taking no notice of them. Things will get better but yes it's an up and down ride.

[Humly]

Thanks. I know what you mean as I am always thinking about how I am feeling and I'm finding it very hard to distract myself. I wish I could just stop imagining the worst about everything. Things are usually not a bad as I think they are going to be. I also have health anxiety and the things I've worried about in the past have all come to absolutely nothing. Funnily enough I have no health worries at the moment as i am worried about this stuff. Dont know whats worse.

[nicola1980]

im still always constantly thinking how im feeling and i look at other people and think 'god i wish i was like u' but we don't know deep down how they feel?? Ill always remember my mum saying to me when i got 'ill' that it only takes something small to knock u down but its a blinkin long climb back up and its true!! its such a rollercoaster of emotions and it feels like ur climbing a mountain and when u get halfway something knocks u down again, i get so frustrated with myself and thats when i get myself all worked up xx

[Humly]

Thank you Nicola. I will try and ride this out. And thank you Ronski. I do have to accept things the way they are. Just hope I dont start crying at work. They know whats happening and are very sympathetic, in fact when people are nice to me i start crying.

[theharvestmouse]

Try not to put pressure on yourself by how you are feeling, I know its hard, I am doing it but it does not help.

[Jamesk]

Please don't say you are over reacting - if that is how we feel, it is not an over reaction it is our reality- hope you feel better soon.

[Humly]

Thanks guys. Over reacting is what I do best and I cant seem to stop myself. I am reacting to a situation which has happened and I cant do anything to change it, only worry about the future which will probably not be as bad as I imagine. I do it all the time - you wouldnt believe the things I have worried about. But this time its got out of control and its going to take a while for me to sort it out.

[ronski]

Humly if you go to work and cope with anxiety you are a very brave and strong person. If you want to cry then make your excuse and go to the toilet and let it happen. Harvest mouse it will happen with time, look at how you are looking and feeling about your symptoms and sensations. If you still think I just wish these would not come or getting frustrated in any way with them then that is not acceptance.
Acceptance is absolutely not reacting in anyway to those symptoms or sensations, it is hard but very very effective. The reason it works is that if you do not react then absolutely no stress hormones are released so your nervous system starts a process of repair leading to normal sensitisation. This unfortunately can take months, around 90 days and each time you react then you delay the healing process but that's natural and that's why it's a roller coaster of a ride.

[djvtech]

Then stop pretending. That only tells your brain that it's not ok to be anxious, which causes tension, which causes more anxiety. Tell people, let it out, it's ok to express it. :)

[Humly]

Well I went to work yesterday and nearly turned the car around and came home before I even got there. I must admit it was a struggle and I had to take many deep breaths throughout the day to keep on track. Anyway, I held it in all day (I work 5 hours) then completely broke down and cried all the way home in the car. Then I sobbed a bit more at home and thank god my hubby was there to calm me down. Been again today and it was a bit better but probably because I got it all out yesterday. Dont even want to think about tomorrow which is actually my day off so I will be floating around on my own.

[theharvestmouse]

I managed to go to work today, on the way I was thinking how the hell am I going to cope, but I managed to find the strength from somewhere. Afterwards I actually felt better for going.

[cathycrumble]

Humly if you go to work and cope with anxiety you are a very brave and strong person. If you want to cry then make your excuse and go to the toilet and let it happen. Harvest mouse it will happen with time, look at how you are looking and feeling about your symptoms and sensations. If you still think I just wish these would not come or getting frustrated in any way with them then that is not acceptance.
Acceptance is absolutely not reacting in anyway to those symptoms or sensations, it is hard but very very effective. The reason it works is that if you do not react then absolutely no stress hormones are released so your nervous system starts a process of repair leading to normal sensitisation. This unfortunately can take months, around 90 days and each time you react then you delay the healing process but that's natural and that's why it's a roller coaster of a ride.

Ronsky I have to say how articulate you are in explaining true Acceptance. I have the Claire weeks Books and that is what she talks about. I had a bad time with social phobia when I was young in my teens and had a mini break down. And a drama teacher told me about her book, so I got it and I did exactly what she and you have just said And it works. I did find banishig the negative thoughts hard but it worked for me soo well. I am a lot older now and I have had a bad year. ie family probs job loss so took its toll on my nervous system. But reading your paragraph on Acceptance is a great help to me and I am sure others who read it. As when you do suffer with axiety all you want to do is to get better asap. and that is the problem. Claire weeks says FACE ACCEPT AND LET TIME PASS. I must say that was hard to grasp especially letting time pass when all you want is to get back to the old self you once was. I just want to say Thank you again. And also to Humly I hope you can accept that you should not try to hold on trying to be normal or what you think is normal just be your self you are not weak you are just letting you emotions out. And that is human. :hugs:

Cathy xx

[Humly]

Hi. I do feel weak and pathetic. Its hard to be yourself in a work situation when something like this is going on. I just think how awful would it be for everyone else if I was sobbing and feeling sorry for myself all over the place. It would be too uncomfortable for all concerned. So I hold it in and explode when I get home.

[cathycrumble]

when I was in work and going through my marriage probs I would go to the loo and have a good cry I must say i worked with lovely caring people and they always seemed to help me.

Once again you are not weak. Please don't think that about yourself. My daughter is going through a bad time in work at the mo this girl she works with is not a nice person and I have just spoke to my daughter as she didn't want to go in to work tonight. I told her she must not let this person stand in her way she has just as much right to be in work and this person is not very popular. its a long story but We all go through bad times and we need support from family and friends and colleagues to. Don't be afraid to ask for help and advice. There's a lot of good people out there. good luck

Cathy xx

[ronski]

Humly those thoughts weak and pathetic are negatives and unfortunately do not allow recovery from anxiety. What happens with negatives is that stress hormones are being released and keep the process of sensitisation ongoing.
Here is what I suggest, get a piece of paper and write down all of the negatives that you constantly brood over then on the opposite side put in a positive response that you could use instead. Go to work and take it an hour at a time, do not think I am doing well I just hope that the rest of the day goes to plan. This is the type of thinking that makes stress and guess what, yes, more stress hormones.
Go into work and accept what happens, do not react if you burst into tears, just dust yourself off and continue with what you were going to do. If negative thoughts come say in your mind, Stop, Stop, Stop, take a deep breath and continue. If your body decides to test you with palpitations or a tight chest, then think wow isn't that fascinating how my body reacts and continue with your work. It sounds simplistic and it is but I must admit putting it into practice demands faith in yourself that you have to do it to get well.
What happens is that adrenaline and nor adrenaline, cortisol all affect the central and autonomic nervous system. If you constantly release stress hormones then you cause a sympathetic overload and that is what is causing your emotional lability and bodily symptoms and sensations. If you calm the autonomic nervous system then it will rebalance and you will get your life back. Guided meditation and music therapy are also good adjuncts to help rebalance and heal that sensitised nervous system.
I hope this helps.

[Humly]

thanks Ronski. I will try and take on board what you are saying. I have been taking lots of deep breaths at work and I did actually laugh today so thats something to be proud of.

Will this still work for me. I know the exact reason why I am anxious, its not as if I am just generally anxious for no reason (well I am but never to this extent) and once the current situation is sorted out, I am sure that I will start to calm down. But it may be a while before its sorted and until then I am consumed with the "what ifs". I am trying to distract myself but not having a great deal of success. I am taking herbal remedies and have got diazepam from the doc for emergencies so maybe this will help in the short term. I will try what you say and wll write everything down.

Thanks for your kind assistance.

[nicola1980]

How are you finding the kalms working for u? r u taking any other vits etc? xx

[ronski]

Well Humly if you know why you are anxious then there are two ways of looking at things. One is have I any control over my concerns or two yes I have and approach it head on. Let me say that it sounds as if your anxiety is acting appropiately and that as you say will sort itself once you have found a solution.

[Humly]

Hi Nic. I have been taking the Kalms for just a few days so its probably too soon to say. No adverse effects. I felt not too bad today but had a bit of a breakdown yesterday so that gets rid of a lot of the tension. I've got multi vits, vitamin c and magnesium which I have heard may help, cant do any harm can they. Also zinc is supposed to be good. Trouble is I cant swallow them very well and need to take them while i am eating, but havent been eating a lot so havent taken many. Not scared of the diazapam any more so have had a few more of them. They just make me feel a bit woolly headed for a while.

I am generally better in the evenings when my family are around and usually go to bed quite calm. Think its the hope that I will wake up the next morning feeling fine! I am sleeping ok but wake early, around 5 ish and cant get back to sleep. thanks flower x

---------- Post added at 19:28 ---------- Previous post was at 19:24 ----------

Hi Ronski. I havent got any control over whats going to happen which is why I am worrying. I know I should accept it and say what will be will be and no amount of worrying will change things. I want to do this so much but my worrying nature stops me.

[nicola1980]

Glad ur feeling a bit better :) i had a bad day yesterday my anxiety was thro the roof and i was on edge all day but then today ive had a good day again??? its just such a rollercoaster ride, glad ur using ur diazepam, i had to use mine yesterday xx

[blondinou]

Thank you Ronski and Cathy for that bit about acceptance, it really spoke to me :-) xxx

---------- Post added at 20:34 ---------- Previous post was at 20:33 ----------

Humly I agree with the others you are really brave, keep going to work no matter how hard it is - you really don't want to start avoiding things. You can do it!!