zengarden
07-11-11, 21:41
Hi. :) I've been reading over this site the last few days and have decided to join. I'm usually one who tries to cope on my own or not admit to what is happening (!) but at the moment I feel tired of coping alone and am looking for some support and thought like minded people would be a good place to start.
That was a happy intro wasn't it? :frown: (Uh-oh, I've found the smilies! :D I'm a bit addicted to them.) Ok, time for some facts maybe? My name is Amanda. I based my user name on an image I am trying to cultivate to be my 'relaxed' placed in my mind. (Did that make sense?! lol) It has lush green grass, a koi poind with lots of pink and white blossom from the trees, a waterfall, a place for relaxtion/meditation amongst balanced mossy stones, and a summer house with a hanging bubble chair on the veranda for me to sit in and watch the rain. :) ( I thought a bit of positivity was in order.)
I had my first panic attack aged 12 although I didn't know what it was at the time (I'm 37 now.). I became agoraphobic in 1997 and have been pretty much housebound ever since. I have GAD, Panic Disorder, OCD, Agoraphobia.... I am feeling a bit aggrieved atm as I was diagnosed with all that back in the late 90's. I have never been told what GAD or PD is nor have I been specifically treated for it (I've only discovered what they are in the past week or so reading on the internet.).
Whenever I have hit a really rough patch and ask for help they always want to focus on the agoraphobia. I always felt that as I suffer from anxiety daily, if I can learn to control/deal with that first, then I will have a much better chance with the agoraphobia. (Specially knowing now that it is most likely GAD.) I did have someone come out a couple of years ago that did a course with me but I hate to say it, the woman couldn't even read some words of the hand outs and asked me how to pronounce them, nor did she track what handouts she had and hadn't given me. She also dismissed my religous beliefs although they were troubling me at the time. I think the worst was when I was really panicky when she turned up and because I took a diazipam she threatened to walk out. I had to have an arguement with her! I reminded her she told me to do what was best for me. I wanted to do the session and that was the only way I could do it at the time. She did help me with some stuff at the time though which I am very gratefull for.
I know I probibly sound a bit moany and wierd but this is kind of theraputic! It's helping me to vent and get it out here, so thank you for allowing me to do so. :grouphug:
I didn't want to start initally on medication but I was told if I didn't take it, it ment I didn't want to help myself. I had been on Paroxetine for 11 years. It gave me massive head fog, lethargy, dry mouth, bad dreams. I kept going to the dr about the lethargy not realising it was the meds. My dr suggested a year or so ago to change to fluoxetine. Don't know why, he never said. I didn't feel able to as I'd tried cutting down on the paroxetine before and felt really bad. Sometimes if I missed one dose I felt so sick and dizzy. However, a few months ago I took it in the morning rather than at night and felt it helped me stay awake longer. I noticed then that I felt quite sick at night when I used to take it but managed to cope. This gave me the incentive to change the meds. Woah, the dr did not warn me of what was to come! He literally said to stop taking the paroxetine on the one day, and start taking the fluoxetine the next. Wow the nausea! (Spl?) I had bad panics as I don't cope well with feeling sick.
I can't remember why but I spoke with him about a week ago (After being on them for about 2 weeks.) and we decided to up my dose, 40mg one day, 20mg the next to even it out to 30 mg. Wow, the anxiety and panics I have had have been unbeliveable. I've been surviving on diazipam, and I mean surviving. (From the guidelines, I don't know if this is allowed in this context so please forgive me if not and delete as appropriate.) I felt so, so bad, and not like myself that I came very close to ending it all. Wrote the note even. I've been 'phoning my dr daily and he is pretty useless. I told him about this (And the duty team at my local mental health hospital.) but he says to just keep taking the diazepam to get me through. I have an assessmant with someone from adult mental health tomorrow. He has eventually prescibed me some alansopine (2.5mg.) although it can't be picked up until tomorrow. I was unhappy at the thought of keeping on taking the diazepam.
So that's it up to now really. Well, mostly recent history anyway. I feel calmer tonight than yesterday. I got myself a bit wound up last week. With the paroxetine I was always so muggy headed that I couldn't remember my name half the time. With the fluoxetine I can actually think and thought myself silly. I was trying to do some cbt on myself. I ended up trying to monitor every thought and trying to 'correct' every unhelpful thought. In the end I didn't know what I was 'supposed' to think! At the moment I've kind of realised it's not what you think (So don't try and stop any thoughts.) it's how you react to them. (Last week I couldn't get my head around what 'letting go' ment. The part where you identify and let go.) I've 'heard' a few of them now and said to myself they are just thoughts, not facts. I haven't acted on them or argued with them or tried to rationalise them. Just accepted them as thoughts, then carried on. It's worked a couple of times! :)
Anyway, I've gone on much to long, probibly not made much sense, and possibly haven't made a good first impression. :p I'm never usually this 'honest' so it has all come rambling out I suppose. Thank you for allowing me to do so, and being patient with me while I have. Sorry for any spelling mistakes, my spelling isn't to good. I'll probibly 'freak out' at some point too and have an overwhelming urge to delete this. (Though I usually get that as soon as I've written something before posting it. Not this time though. Probibly because it feels nice pouring my guts out for a change.)
Thank you again and I look foward to speaking with you all at some point.
I kind of feel like I've hijacked this section now with such a long post. :p Now, am I going to be brave enough to post it?
P.S, just remembered the title. Not so shy in the end was it? Now, I just need the guts to post...
That was a happy intro wasn't it? :frown: (Uh-oh, I've found the smilies! :D I'm a bit addicted to them.) Ok, time for some facts maybe? My name is Amanda. I based my user name on an image I am trying to cultivate to be my 'relaxed' placed in my mind. (Did that make sense?! lol) It has lush green grass, a koi poind with lots of pink and white blossom from the trees, a waterfall, a place for relaxtion/meditation amongst balanced mossy stones, and a summer house with a hanging bubble chair on the veranda for me to sit in and watch the rain. :) ( I thought a bit of positivity was in order.)
I had my first panic attack aged 12 although I didn't know what it was at the time (I'm 37 now.). I became agoraphobic in 1997 and have been pretty much housebound ever since. I have GAD, Panic Disorder, OCD, Agoraphobia.... I am feeling a bit aggrieved atm as I was diagnosed with all that back in the late 90's. I have never been told what GAD or PD is nor have I been specifically treated for it (I've only discovered what they are in the past week or so reading on the internet.).
Whenever I have hit a really rough patch and ask for help they always want to focus on the agoraphobia. I always felt that as I suffer from anxiety daily, if I can learn to control/deal with that first, then I will have a much better chance with the agoraphobia. (Specially knowing now that it is most likely GAD.) I did have someone come out a couple of years ago that did a course with me but I hate to say it, the woman couldn't even read some words of the hand outs and asked me how to pronounce them, nor did she track what handouts she had and hadn't given me. She also dismissed my religous beliefs although they were troubling me at the time. I think the worst was when I was really panicky when she turned up and because I took a diazipam she threatened to walk out. I had to have an arguement with her! I reminded her she told me to do what was best for me. I wanted to do the session and that was the only way I could do it at the time. She did help me with some stuff at the time though which I am very gratefull for.
I know I probibly sound a bit moany and wierd but this is kind of theraputic! It's helping me to vent and get it out here, so thank you for allowing me to do so. :grouphug:
I didn't want to start initally on medication but I was told if I didn't take it, it ment I didn't want to help myself. I had been on Paroxetine for 11 years. It gave me massive head fog, lethargy, dry mouth, bad dreams. I kept going to the dr about the lethargy not realising it was the meds. My dr suggested a year or so ago to change to fluoxetine. Don't know why, he never said. I didn't feel able to as I'd tried cutting down on the paroxetine before and felt really bad. Sometimes if I missed one dose I felt so sick and dizzy. However, a few months ago I took it in the morning rather than at night and felt it helped me stay awake longer. I noticed then that I felt quite sick at night when I used to take it but managed to cope. This gave me the incentive to change the meds. Woah, the dr did not warn me of what was to come! He literally said to stop taking the paroxetine on the one day, and start taking the fluoxetine the next. Wow the nausea! (Spl?) I had bad panics as I don't cope well with feeling sick.
I can't remember why but I spoke with him about a week ago (After being on them for about 2 weeks.) and we decided to up my dose, 40mg one day, 20mg the next to even it out to 30 mg. Wow, the anxiety and panics I have had have been unbeliveable. I've been surviving on diazipam, and I mean surviving. (From the guidelines, I don't know if this is allowed in this context so please forgive me if not and delete as appropriate.) I felt so, so bad, and not like myself that I came very close to ending it all. Wrote the note even. I've been 'phoning my dr daily and he is pretty useless. I told him about this (And the duty team at my local mental health hospital.) but he says to just keep taking the diazepam to get me through. I have an assessmant with someone from adult mental health tomorrow. He has eventually prescibed me some alansopine (2.5mg.) although it can't be picked up until tomorrow. I was unhappy at the thought of keeping on taking the diazepam.
So that's it up to now really. Well, mostly recent history anyway. I feel calmer tonight than yesterday. I got myself a bit wound up last week. With the paroxetine I was always so muggy headed that I couldn't remember my name half the time. With the fluoxetine I can actually think and thought myself silly. I was trying to do some cbt on myself. I ended up trying to monitor every thought and trying to 'correct' every unhelpful thought. In the end I didn't know what I was 'supposed' to think! At the moment I've kind of realised it's not what you think (So don't try and stop any thoughts.) it's how you react to them. (Last week I couldn't get my head around what 'letting go' ment. The part where you identify and let go.) I've 'heard' a few of them now and said to myself they are just thoughts, not facts. I haven't acted on them or argued with them or tried to rationalise them. Just accepted them as thoughts, then carried on. It's worked a couple of times! :)
Anyway, I've gone on much to long, probibly not made much sense, and possibly haven't made a good first impression. :p I'm never usually this 'honest' so it has all come rambling out I suppose. Thank you for allowing me to do so, and being patient with me while I have. Sorry for any spelling mistakes, my spelling isn't to good. I'll probibly 'freak out' at some point too and have an overwhelming urge to delete this. (Though I usually get that as soon as I've written something before posting it. Not this time though. Probibly because it feels nice pouring my guts out for a change.)
Thank you again and I look foward to speaking with you all at some point.
I kind of feel like I've hijacked this section now with such a long post. :p Now, am I going to be brave enough to post it?
P.S, just remembered the title. Not so shy in the end was it? Now, I just need the guts to post...