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suzy1984
28-05-06, 10:56
Hiya
Went out to a bar for the first time in months last night and stayed out the whole night (with a little help from beta blockers) but i just felt so self conscious the whole time couldnt stop comparing myself to prettier skinnier girls, it didn't help that my ex was there with his girlfriend, we split 2 years ago but iv been single since then, i just feel like a freak & worry il be single forever because of my anxiety & lack of confidence. Everyone tells me not to be silly because im only 21, pretty & a size 10 but i just cant help hating myself & the way i look. Was just wondering if anybody has any advice or suggestions to help?

Thanks
Suzy xx:(

WILL0W
28-05-06, 12:17
Hi Suzy,

My mum used to always say to me when I obsessed about beauty that its the inner person thats important, and she said I was beautiful on the inside. I used to even take offence at that! thinking she was saying I wasn't attractive on the outside. But its true. Doesn't make it any easier in this world where so much pressure is put on us to look near perfect.

I have struggled with insecurities about myself since being a teenager, always someone else is prettier, slimmer, funnier, etc etc I look back and see a slim pretty girl now when I look at photos, but I couldn't see it then.

I am now 31 a size 14 a lot more natural (not so much make-up) and generally I am happier in accepting myself. In my first years of marraige I wanted to blind my husbands eyes to all the beautiful girls around I always felt they were better than me and he would prefer them. But I got lots of attention from the opposite sex being asked out and other girls complemented me too, but I still couldn't be happy with myself. I wanted to be blonde when I saw a beautiful blonde, brunette when I thought that looked better, etc etc I even would of preferred to be a different race so I could have a beautiful naturally dark skin.

It is terrible feeling like that, mine did turn into a real problem in early marraige as I felt so insecure that my husband would end up preferring or looking at and wanting someone else. I would ask lots of questions I needed reassurance, which is o.k once or twice but on a regular basis it is hard work for a partner to put up with. I did get some counselling that helped later at the time it didn't feel like it did. I had to question the proof for everything I told myself as if I was in court analysing it.

All I can say is you are beautiful. I used to fall for the wrong type of men when I was younger, flirtatious ones that made me feel good but of course they were not serious so that lessened my confidence.Examine the type of person you like first, are they really nice inside too? Or are they likely to excarcebate your insecurities?

Try not to focus on the pretty girls around you but be natural, enjoy yourself, have fun, be totally in the moment. A smile is very attractive but when we're comparing ourselves to others we probably are looking sad and worried. Embrace your individuality. Hold yourself tall, believe in yourself. Tell yourself you're o.k. Sounds corny but you need to start believing it!!

Best wishes,
Smook.x

clickaway
28-05-06, 12:54
Suzy,

Willow is right and looks are only skin deep, and sadly for male and female don't last forever!

But what does last forever is your heart and soul.

Although your issue does not appear to be your looks anyway (I'm sure you're pretty too) but your self-perception. I know from personal experience that a negative perception of yourself does not bode well for friendships and relationships. Putting on a smile and more important appearing confident (even if you are nervous) will put you in a better light in others' eyes.

I would make a list of some positive things about yourself and use that list as a way of "loving yourself" to raise your self-esteem.

Take Care,

Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

TangledUpInBlue
28-05-06, 17:01
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Hiya
Went out to a bar for the first time in months last night and stayed out the whole night (with a little help from beta blockers) but i just felt so self conscious the whole time couldnt stop comparing myself to prettier skinnier girls, it didn't help that my ex was there with his girlfriend, we split 2 years ago but iv been single since then, i just feel like a freak & worry il be single forever because of my anxiety & lack of confidence. Everyone tells me not to be silly because im only 21, pretty & a size 10 but i just cant help hating myself & the way i look. Was just wondering if anybody has any advice or suggestions to help?

Thanks
Suzy xx:(

<div align="right">Originally posted by suzy1984 - 28 May 2006 : 11:56:17</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

I think, going by my own experiences, when you suffer from social anxiety, going out is so tiring. Being so paranoid about what other people are thinking or saying, that you don't say a word and drift off in to a wee world of your own.

And, all you can think is negative thoughts, you think someones giving you a dirty look, when they're probably not. You take something someone has said the wrong way, things like that.

All you remember is negative things, and everyone else just seems so confident and you so wish you could be like that.

But, I don't mind being quiet, shy, whatever, it's just in life when you just sit on the edge of things, other people don't seem to want to accept that, and then try and push you into things.

After not being out for a long time, its natural to feel really self conscious, even the most confident of people, if they have been ill and not been around people for a while, will be self conscious.

Also, skinny, isn't pretty. Not that my opinion counts for much, I wouldn't mind if a women was as skinny as a rake or the size of a house, as long as she showed some interest in me.

Problem is, when your really anxious, you shy away from people, and sometimes you come across as anti-social or arrogant, when you nothing of the sort.

As for hating the way you look, I don't know how to deal with that one, I feel similar about myself.
Quite often I just avoid looking in the mirror before I go out.

Loads of people have bad hair days, I have bad face days!!

I'm 28, and the thought of being near 30 is horrible. It feels like everyones paired off, married had children, and I'm the only single man in the world.

Just take things slowly, don't feel you have to go out all the time, and don't feel pressurised to go out by other people, only go out when you feel you can.

"When I smile, tell me some bad news,
Before I laugh and act like a fool".

suzy1984
30-05-06, 20:24
Hi
Thankyou all for taking the time to reply, its really helped me to see the opinions and advice from people who are older and wiser than me and everything you have all said rings true. All of your comments have really made me look at the way I feel about myself and i guess if i dont like myself then it wont help other people feel positive towards me and thats when i come across as stand offish.

Thanks again, take care
Suzy xx :)

JP
02-06-06, 12:27
I was reading what you were saying about seeing your ex with someone else - I had the same experience and it made me feel so bad because since I split with her a couple of years ago I started having social anxiety - it was like she has done really well and the opposite it true of me. I have now opted to not see her for a while, maybe you should steer clear of him for a bit.
Also I was thinking - bars are quite daunting places even without social phobia - everyone is checking each other out and it can be scary at the best of times. even the most confident people in there are really concerned about their self image - the only way to be happy is to not be bothered what other people think - admittedly this is easier said than done. I'll shut up now.
good luck!
JP

jp

suzy1984
06-06-06, 19:38
Thanks JP
You didn't need to shut up they are some wise words you gave me, especially about the only way to be happy being not to be bothered by what other people think. For me personally and probably a lot of other people, once we have cracked that social anxiety will be a thing of the past!

Suzy xx :)