(edited posts)

[Meggy]

-

[Attsila]

Meggy,
It sounds like you have been through alot in the past 3 years and I can't even know or imagine how you feel or what you are going through. I am sure there is nothing I can say to make you feel better. Hoever, I can say this much. You are not alone. There are nice folks on this site that will help you. God bless you and keep you in this time you are having
Helena

worrying is alot Like a Rocking Chair It is something todo but it won't get you anywhere

[scoobygirl2005]

Hi Meggy.

Whoa! That is a lot of info there! lol. Didn't read it all sorry lol. A big warm welcome to the site. You will find lots of help and support here hunni.

Scooby2005
x x

[jackie]

i just hope you mean it when you say they will not win and they will not take over the rest of your life, even though what youve been through is soooo huge

i hope we can all comfort you just to know you are not alone with this whole panic and anxiety thing

take care

jackie

[Alexandra]

Hi Meggy

Im so sorry with all you have been through.

Thinking of you & sending hugs (((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) to you too.

Take Care

Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart

[Daisybun]

Hi Meggy
You hhave been through so much, I hope that you can find some peace and relief and help here. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care

Daisybun


'This too will pass'

[chucklehound]

Hi Meggy and welcome to NMP

[Paddington]

hello meggy,i will not insult you by saying i know how youfeelor any of the many phrases you have heard over the years since your savage ordeal,i will say tho that i am sorry this happened to you,i also thinkyou are a very courageous woman.The rage you feel is not surprising but as you say is not serving any purpose anymore[ithinkit gave you a kind of control]only you can let go of the rage within,i think this would be very hard!You were a gentle caring person before and essentially you stil are,you just have to find 'her' again.Allow her to grieve for 'her' pain and hurt.Do you think you have been allowed to grieve Meggy?For what was taken that day?You say you get tearful easily,this isa sign of pent up emotions,we cry over a tv show,but on a deeper level we are crying 4 ourselves,but as we think we have 'no right'to feel self pity we cry at the tv or a poem or anything rather than say,i am crying 4 me and my pain and my loss etc.I think you have come to the right place ,so many people have pain in one way or another,we can support you,and also learn from you also.I noticed you posted to Dave,you will have helped him ,as he will know he is not alone with his despair.God bless you and keep you.Keep talking Meggy.love mary-rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[shiv]

Hello there and welcome to the forum

Shiv x

[Paddington]

hi meggy,well you have mentioned a few thingd there that stick out to me ,so here goes...VUNERABLE..you WEREcompletely vunerable and that is wht you feel the rage and want to lash out[i think inside your mind you are lashing out at youe attackers??]thaqt stupid woman who preffered you angry to VUNERABLE..of course she did!It made it easier for HER!!All the other emotions,PAIN,HURT,HELPLESSNESS SHE COULD'T DEAL WITH IT!!So you locked it further away...EMPOWERING...You say freely the ability to harm another makes you feel safer??It empowers you,yet you hate bullying??mmmm interesting conundrum there too.i FEEL YOU HAVE BEEN PUTTING BARRIERS IN PLACE SINCE YOU WERE 5 YEARS OF AGE..I feel that this rage and need 4 control is part of losing that control when you were 5 and your mother took your name fromyou[would you prefer to be called Britta,where were you born??I had an Auntie Britta and she was Swedish]....you are a fantastic Mother ,what wonderful ideas to right it down...have you tried doing the same ????Same format you used 4 your kids???The FEAR of CRYING...again ths is fear of losing control,matbe you think that if you started to grieve you would howl and howl and would not be able to stop???There is a therapy that ENCOURAGES this,letting go of thr pain,the control.It needs to be monitored carefully tho'.I feel you need help to grieve,you do it 4 others you love,so why not you??Do you not feel worthy of grief??Soz i am chuckin questions at you ,i will stop now.Just a few thoughts for you to dwell on ,that is all.Oh on a lighter note WE ALL think our husbands,at times,want us out of their hair,and on the forum...but it is because they care and can se it helps

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[Paddington]

oops pressed wrong button!!!yes,they see it helps and want us to get better,not for them but 4 us!I do hope you continue posting,and that some of these suggestions help in some way :)...keep talking hun.love mary-rose.xxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[Karen]

Hi Meggy

Welcome to the forum and for being so open with telling your story. I appreciat this isn't easy.

You wil find many people willing to offer support here and I hope you find being here of benefit to you.

Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[Paddington]

hello meggy,sorry i late in responding,had a stinker of a weekend myself :( Well,what a break thru!Going to the group and identifying what sparks you off.It is the vunerability i think Meggy[i went to a group once and fled in tears too!]And also i was thinking the same as i read your post,these women havn't been what meggy has been thru,so if i was thinking it ,no wonder it crossed your mind!!!!And yet straight away,you knew in your heat that their pain is as bad for them as yours is.I do hope you continue with it ,but take it at your own pace,I feel that too mich too quickly willbe too much for you.Perhaps break it down into managable chunks.Sort of deal with the attack,then the reaction to the attack then peoples reactions to the attack[during and after.]I am not sirprised you feeel so angry with these people,it raises another word ..BETRAYAL..thatis how i would feel,as i know i have felt this emotion in the past and still hold on to it today!!People are feeling guilty it appears to me.Why cant folk just be honest??And say 'i am sorry i let you down,how can i help put it right'...i have no answers for that one Meggy.They must live with the guilt if they are not willing to discuss it,but it is THEIR GUILT ,NOT YOURS!.As 4 wanting you to get on with your life,i would love to see THEM brush it all under the carpet??What cowardly nonsense!!...I am so glad you had a good year with your Mom,that is wonderful.To reconcile like that and to hear her truth and for her to trust you with that,wow,Meggy what a gift!I wonder if i will have that with my mom one day.Difficult childhoods are so difficult to deal with i think,it haunts you and follows you around[it does me anyway]i believe the year with your mom was truly a gift.Helps you make sense of it some how,still hurts tho aye?Your Uncle sounds like a gaurdian Angel,whata lovely warm memory to keep in your heart.I was right about Sweden,what a coincedence!!My Aunt was thru frindship,not marriage or blood.But i remember her,tall blonde and beautiful.I haven't seen her since i was 4,when my mother left dad,and cut ties with everyone,but i do remember her and her husband,Peter,and their Son,who was nick-named 'bumps' as he was always falling down :)Keep up the talking and the work with your new counsellor,hard ,but..baby steps meggy..baby steps.God bless.Love Mary-Rose.xxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[Meggy]

I feel like such a schmuck. Everyone here has been very gracious, giving, informed, and often funny too. It's been a real lift for me altho at times hard because the issues are hard. Particularly thank you Mary Rose. You've helped me gain some important insights.

I've erased I think all of my posts. Probably missed some, I'll try to hunt them down. I was so excited when I found this great site I'm afraid I've been in a posting frenzy posting everywhere, that's been embarassing. I apologize if I've been a "board hog". I've been thinking since I started, that the origination of my problem is too heavy, I've been uncomfortable about just that. My husband's health too is extremely precarious, we're going through such a tense time I wonder if I have attempted to relieve some of that stress on myself by attacking the problems I guess I have but it feels like that strategy is backfiring. I have found I can't do both. It's made me very nervous to be concentrating on my problems and his too. He has supported me for 8 years through some very hard times, one rolling after the other with my epilepsy and it's now time for me to support him. My thought was I need to get better help for how dysfunctional I've become at times and I still think that's true but I'm unable to attend to me and him at the same time. I've been getting so nervous once I finally started in earnest attacking my problem, it made me too hyped up and I was signing my name I noticed with one of my daughter's names that is visiting us right now! If none of these things were factors I still have some safety problems. I put 7 men in prison. All of these men were police and notoriously policemen incarcerated have a very rough time in prison, which makes my day, but it got so bad they had to separate them from the general population which has caused some new hostile feelings from them, thus some of their families that are still intact which has in the past, can now, reflect back on me in a nasty way. I've posted several times I won't and can't go thru that again and I DO mean that. With my current at times out of control temper, that's not a real good mix. I have to keep my own self within the law too while at the same time if I'm brutally honest there's a big part of me that still hungers for one of their unannounced "visits". I've been ready, I'm now able. We're kept abreast of their family movements, upcoming parole hearings, that kind of thing. The 2 that got the lightest sentences are also coming up for their first parole hearing sometime before the end of this year. I fully intend to be there and know I better be mentally there too. You've all helped me identify a lot more than the 2 problems I thought I did have. If I stay in therapy I'm sure the short time I've been here it has helped advance that therapy faster. 6 of the 7 have/had families and of those, 2 have thuggy adult children. I've had frightening "visits" from these two adult thug "children" that scared me so badly I nearly shot one. I grew up on a farm and have been shooting since I was 7. Lucky for him my usual very good aim was wide of the mark from fear. I don't want to go through that again and if I keep posting sooner or later I'm bound to disclose too much about my whereabouts. It's awful to live this way but - it happens. They weren't coming for tea, that's for sure. One came thru the window. That was several years ago but the potential is still there and even more there in my mind if I allow myself to get swept up in it. That was enough for us so we moved a long way away for nearly 2 years, just recently moved back to within about 4 hours of where this happened. I hadn't been worried but others have been. I wasn't supposed to use any identifiers in my posts, my email addy, everything is under a false name but here I don't know why I forgot I guess, got complacent maybe, I don't know, but I used my name, my dog's name, other family names and it's scared me because it's concerned those that watch out for me. My husb talked to the "good guys" tonight and I'm fr

[Paddington]

oh M i do wish you werent leaving,i am gettin all teary eyed.I will miss our chats.We all feel paranoid at times,but every one here is genuine with their concern M.Cant believe they may get at you thru your posting here.Could you not come here and use an alias?I know you are so sad about your Husbands illness,and i wish you could remain here so we could go thru it with you.Just remember honey,i am here,PM me any time you want to.I feel we were making strides and kinda friends too.I wish you all the good luck in the world and you are in my thoughts.love mary-rose.xxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[Meggy]

Thank you Mary Rose, and others that PMd me. You have been a very bright star in my life, quickly became so in the short time I was here. I'm going to keep reading for awhile. I learn a lot from posts too.

M

[jackie]

m you arre a brave person

i wish you well

jackie

[Meggy]

;)Oh gosh, if I say 10 mea culpas, can I sneak back on? I was getting so much help and finally I found a place I can go, say I feel this or that way and no one gasped, tried to shut me up. I was reading a PM I wrote to someone and the reasons "I felt" I should quit? Ever feel like or realize something's off and that something is there are too many excuses? That hit me. I was here for a week, felt such relief, excitement, but others worried about me which is sweet, but I'm not worried about me, not in the ways I said, not precisely. I'm worried about carrying these emotional burdens, dysfunctional behaviors.

I'm going to stop posting on my intro thread tho, I'l post elsewhere if no one tells me - go away. I am wondering tho if the UK culture is so different the US's. I read US sites and there's all these justifications, buck up and be strong attitudes. I've tried that, it's false too often. It might work for a moment, but I can't hang onto those attitudes to get better. But you all from the UK, and yes I've read the same kind of posts from US people, are so noncensorsing. I'm not used to that in my personal society. I've been waiting for the ambush I think. I've emigrated once. Think I should again? lol

I am who I am. What happened happened and I'm going to deal with it head on. If I drop off here where I was finally in over 3 years getting help because of more induced fears? When do I quit running and ignoring? I am stronger than that. I insist it of myself. I hope I haven't caused harm to others by my quick retreat. I became very frightened, acted too quickly. I decided 3 years ago I'm not going to hide, and I haven't. I won't start now due to the fear of others who I know care about me, but I don't want babysitters either. I doubt they want to babysit me and if I allow them? That could cause resentment later too.

Meggy