i want to die

[R.Barratt]

Over the past two weeks i have been looking after my terminally ill grandad with minimal help whilst trying to keep up with college work.
My family are relying on me to do everything for my grandad and to also somehow also go to college i feel too overwhelmed.
I just feel so depressed because i struggle to find the time to eat and shower as i am so busy. But i am also getting no emotional support my councillor is away on holiday and no matter how much i beg my parents to help me they dont seem to understand or care.
I feel so alone and honestly dont see a point to carry on.
I have a wonderful boyfriend who has supported me as much as he physically can. includhing looking after me with my horrendous panick attacks which are now worse than ever. But because of how badly my own family treat me i am waiting for it to go wrong.
i just want to die so i can stop feeling like this. I dont know how to feel better. i just cant do it anymore

[ElizabethJane]

I'm sorry your Grandad is terminally ill. The feelings that you are having are part of your own struggle with anxiety and depression? Are other people involved in the care of your Grandad? It might be time to take a few hours off. Go for a walk anything but away from the sickbed. My own dear Father died in April of this year of renal cancer and I was his next of kin. This put enormous strain on me as I was involved in what care he was having at the hospital; Frequent visits and calls to 'come now' all took their toll.. You will need to get your own GP on board for support. Decisions might have to be made re palliative care for Grandad. I'm sure that you don't really want to die. It is an overwhelming feeling of grief and pain that seems never ending. Unfortunately you will have to stay with it (with support). You will be very glad that you did. Do not be afraid to express your feelings. Crying is good. Try to eat and drink regularly. At least have a snack such as soup or toast so that you don't' feel ill through lack of food. Take care. Continue posting for support. EJ

[HypnosWisher]

I am sorry to hear of your problems. First I must say it takes great courage to open up on this forum. I would recommend seeing your GP ASAP so he/she can help manage your depression and anexity and also monitor your diet.

It is such a shame to read that your family are not offering any support to you. I can't speculate as to why they are not offering suuport, but this could also be to them not being able to express emotionally or share the pain they must be feeling too on your grandad. It is could to read your boyfriend is being supportive and being an emotional outlet too.

Please do not think about taking your life or wanting it to end. I know it is difficult what you are going through and have no idea as to how it must feel, but when we are the down the only way we can look is up and that is the beginning.

Take care and please do look after yourself too.

[Nova]

I can understand what you are saying, when i was looking after my family i just wanted to fast forward time a so the pain and hurt would be gone and I'd feel better and happy.
I am so sorry with what u are having to feel and go through, it sounds trite but i know you can get through it, there's always somewhere you can get that extra bit of strength or help from, wether its practical or emotional. I dont know if you could speak to your Grandads GP surgery and tell them you need more help, demand it if you have to. I also know its difficult to pour your heart out to friends, partners and people you know so if you can use this site to say exactly whats inside, you might find it a relief just to be honest about how much you are hurting. And ElizabethJane is right, crying is the best, it took me a long time to figure that out but its like a pressure release valve, its does help.
Unfortunatley crises either brings families together or pushes them apart, maybe they are scared of whats happening and thats their way of dealing with it...i dont know.
Please just take one day at a time, there will be a day when you dont feel like this, and dont be afraid to ask for help hun

[liamsnodden]

Hello :) firstly I'm sorry to hear about your Grandad. Illness of those people close to you is always difficult to deal with.

The important thing to remember though is while things seem bad at the moment and while it may feel that you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, these feelings will hopefully pass.

It's easy for somebody to sit in front of a computer screen and tell you that things will get better and to offer wonderful advice but your situation is unique to you in terms of its severity and the intensity of these feelings - so you need to make the decision whether or not you feel that you will act on these compulsions - if you think that there is a possibility, no matter how large or small, go and see your GP and tell him how you are feeling and talk things through.

It's also important that you remember what is good about your life. It is easy in moments of crisis to focus only on the bad points that might make life seem pointless, but you have mentioned you have a wonderful boyfiend... there is one good thing and I am sure you can find plenty of other items to add to the list.

And finally, when you feel life is out of focus, always return to the basic of life... Breathe. It can make things a lot easier to manage with a few deep breathes.

Stay strong and keep working through this. xx

[R.Barratt]

thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. my grandad passed away on the 22nd of november. but i am started to feel better even happy at times. things are improving slowly. i hope you are all well and happy :)

[I_hate_life]

I want to die too, real bad, but it's all too much a real hard task. One day I really hope to somehow achieve this, real soon would be good. I have no friends and no life whatsoever. I find myself going round in life so s**t scared all the time. It's all real life things that I hate so much.

I'am so down all the time I can barely be bothered to keep a good personal hygiene, all I wanna do is just crawl intoa corner and die. I know everyone wouldn't mind if I was gone, only a few close family members. I just don't know what to do, I hate the doctors and counselling is a route I've taken twice in past few years and everything is still just as worse.

I have a gr8 job and a loving family too, but everyday is such an effort, I get so easily irratated all the time, I just really feel so miserable all the time.

What makes everything so much worse is knowing that by just going to the doctors they can prescribe me antidepressants and things would improve but I know that I'll struggle to take them and it's this that is ruining me! This would get me down so much more! Oh no, I just don't know where to turn, I can never tell my parents that this is the way I'm feeling atm. I just wanna cry!!

[fell_on_black_days]

hi. first things first, as long as yer here and typing yer surviving.
baby steps, as they say.
aside from yer parents is there no one else you can turn too?
am here, as well as many others to listen if needed.

[eeyorelover]

This made me want to cry! Partly because I can feel your pain! I've been where you are and I want to shake you and tell you, DON'T GIVE UP! YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR!!!
But also because I looked at your profile and saw your birth date...I have sons that are around your age and I know how it would ruin my life...That isn't strong enough of a statement...I don't know how I could ever go on if I lost one of my children!!

You say you can't talk to your parents but BELIEVE me that conversation they could handle. Someone coming and telling them that you are gone by your own hand, would devastate them!!!

PLEASE PLEASE ask for help!
Go to the doc, get meds (if that is your choice), definitely get an appointment with a counselor! Don't try to go thru this alone! There is no need for that!! It isn't something to be ashamed of and you can feel good again!!!!!!

I have a gr8 job and a loving family too, but everyday is such an effort, I get so easily irratated all the time, I just really feel so miserable all the time.

The feeling irritated is from the anxiety and depression and it is treatable!! You don't have to feel miserable all the time! There is help out there!!!

YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR!!!!

:bighug1:
xxx
Sandy

[expecto patronum]

I just want to second what Sandy said, please don't give up on yourself, it is possible to get better :hugs: