cant take much more

[dave11282]

Hi all,

I have had PTSD for 20 + yrs since a life threatening motorcycle accident.

Last year I had another mental breakdown. I have attempted suicide 2 times already.

I have spent the past 9 months on CBT therapy, and read a lot of self help books (which has helped very much).

Before my accident in 1982 I was 17.5 yrs old. I knew I had some issues (my mum suffered from chronic anxiety, panic attacks). I had hyperhidrosis which made my anxiety worse of course.

Then I had this terrible horrifying accident where a car pulled straight across my path. I hit the car 40 miles/hr. I suffered multiple fractures to my lower right body. Spent 2 yrs recovering to the stage where I could walk again.

It has effected and controlled my whole life. Sent me on pathways, directions I would never have chosen. I became riddled with anger for what happened to me.

I did not know 20 yrs ago, but when I could walk again, I started to take all my pain out on those closest to me. I left a supportive family. My career never picked up. I lost over half my apprenticeship. My personal relationships suffered. Because of my symptoms I could not sustain a relationship. My work relationships suffered. With my hypervigilance I lost my temper too quickly, and had terrible flash backs.

I am now 42. I lost my mum to alzheimer's, she spent 10 yrs in nursing home rotting away.

I feel so depressed. I feel my life has been stolen by the events of my trauma. The post trauma has been true agony. I have spent all my adult life in chronic pain (from my RTA injuries), PTSD mental anguish,

The cruelest symptom for me has been the hypervigilance and not having a tonic system. PTSD robs you of a tonic system. That controlled state of calm under stressful conditions, being able to think clearly.

My life is a mess. I regret my whole life & I wish I died that night. I let go of my life as I spun through the air at 40 miles hour.

All the books and therapy help. But, they are not a cure for me. There are no magic pills or solutions to people's problems.

How can one get out into the world and make friends, form relationships, when one is so damaged. When isolation, pain , anger, hurt, dissociation .

How can one forge a life based on all this crap

http://www.mentalhealthchannel.net/ptsd/symptoms.shtml

I have downloaded video seminars from

http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/video/sat_allostatic.html

This professor says that he sees no other condition like PTSD where ALL pyscobiological systems of the human body are effected.

All I want to do is have the courage to end it all and go to sleep forever

Dave

[joolsukuk]

please dont feel that way.to end you life would be a waste of life i know you feel so very low but youve made it through the accident.and the loss of your mum, she would not want you feeling that way im sure.do you have any other family? you can pm me if you need to, your reaching out by talking on here so you must not really want to end things.we are all here for you, many people on here have suffered and felt as low as you are now but you will pull through, please keep talking on here ,hope t hear froem you xxx

jools xx

[Paddington]

Dave,you are a man of great courage!The easy route would be out of here asap!!Our lives,us on here,maybe filled with trauma and pain,seemingly so un fair that,yep,we all have thought what is the point??I think,we are here as a testament to the strength of the human spirit,that one day we may be able to put out a hand of comfort and friendship,and say' i understand your pain,let me help you'...bit like today.We are here for you Dave all of us on here.We understand your despair and pain from your accident and your mom's death.Your life is NOW not back there,Dave.I dont want to sound harsh,but we all dwell too easily on what caused our problems[i do it ALL the time!!]Wen what we shoud concenteate on is every small thing that is good,no matter how incosequential we may think it is,a birds song,a kiddie smilin at us ,another person saying hello...it's the small things that make such a huge difference in how we percieve our lives and it's value.We all have value,and this world would be a worse place without you in it Dave.Pm any time you fancy a chat.Soz if i've gone on a bit.love mary-rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore