Please help I don't know what to do

[Jj8]

Hi everyone
I have posted here before about my anxiety and palps, I don't know where to start! I got over the health anxiety after many tests and hospital visits, I've had such a terrible year, my partner got took into hospital then a family member of his died, so we both have been through a very hard time, I also think that my health anxiety has rubbed off onto him as he supported me through it and I know he found it hard, he told me he felt as though he'd lost me as my moods were so low, we have been together for ten years through thick and thin, we got into a bad arguement 3 weeks ago I said some terrible things about a family member that had died, I didn't even mean what I was saying it just got so petty that we were just saying things to upset each other but I know I crossed a line and he threw a bean bag at me, I put my had out to stop it and it dislocated my thumb!
I honestly can't believe it happened he was so sorry straight away and took me straight up to hospital, he's promised me that he won't allow an arguement to ever get to that stage again and he's told me he understands if I don't want to be in the relationship anymore, he's a caring and loyal man and we've been together for ten years, i just don't know what to do, I'm not scared of him it's not an abusive relationship we've just both been though a terrible time and my depression and anxiety is taking over my life, he has supported me through all this and I know it's taken it's toll on him, I know this forum really isn't for relationship advice but I trust your advice and I need advice from ppl who have experienced anxiety and depression as it really clouds your judgement and actions, I'm so sad I cry every day my life has been a complete mess, abusive childhood my father died when I was young and now all this :( xx

[margrtking]

You poor thing! I am going through th same sort of thing at the moment black moods and pushing my partner away. Sometimes i dont even realise im doing it to him,sometimes i hate him,but he aint done nothing im just angry. I was abused as a child too and all my mental illness stems from that. He does understand most of the time but i can be so hurtful to him withholding love and being very cold. I dont know one day i can be so happy and then the next a wall comes up and i hate everyone. I know partners can only be so understanding for so long then they lose sympathy. I deal with it mostly by shutting myself in another room and just feeling sorry for myself i call it hibernation time. Im glad you brought it up as not much is said on here about how your relationship is affected when you have mental illness and how we all cope with our partners when we are ill and if they are understanding or not. I would be interested to know how other people cope with their relationships on here whilist trying to cope with mental illnesses.

[Jj8]

Hi Hun
Sorry to hear u are going through the same, it's so horrible. I have done and do the same, I push him away and find it so hard to just talk about things. This year I was having all these tests at hospital because I was having heart palps and I have a murmur I drove myself insane with worry about it and at the time my partner was so supportive, he was then admitted to hospital due to an infection so times have been really hard for us, in arguments I would say horrible things without feeling any hurt or remorse it's like I stopped caring about anything I've forgotten how it feels to be 100% happy with no worry, I'm worried about what happened with us and my thumb, I know he would never mean to hurt me, he crys just thinking about what he did and it completly devastates me because its been such a traumatic time, but since this has happened we've had so many talks about making things better so this never happens again, who would have thought a beanbag could do so much damage, it's really frightened my partner and I keep hearing about domestic violence and how u should leave the relationship if it gets to that, do I throw away ten years because of what happened? I love him and don't know what to do? I went to councelling to deal with my anxiety but it didnt really help me 100%, I'm off work at the moment and I'm so depressed :( Xx

[margrtking]

yes i get like that say things and do things with no feeling at all and i dont care and i dont even feel bad. But once i have got over my black mood i feel terrible. I think your feelings go completely numb and it makes you look hard and calculating. I hate black days. As for your partner im sure he is real sorry. I was married for 25 years and my husband got me by the throat,he was real sorry and thank god it never happened again. All you can do talk. Im sure it was just a one off but he has just added to the situation,which you could do without. Im real sorry you are going through a bad time GOOD LUCK! If you need to talk im always here.

[Jj8]

Thank u so much for your reply and support, it's made me feel better thank u, it's so horrible I've had every reason to be happy and I've still felt as though theres a black cloud hanging over me, but I really don't want to have to take medication, just praying that life will get easier x

[margrtking]

I dont take mediction either,i did do but i put on loads of weight i just take propanadol if i get real bad. When i came off the medication i didnt feel worse,i just could not sleep. I see a rape councellor once a week and i have good moan and that gets it all off my chest. I really dont want to go on medication as i got well depressed cause i was fat and all my confidence completely went,i didnt want sex as i felt i was not attractive no more but my partner loved the shape of my j lo bum lol.

---------- Post added at 13:11 ---------- Previous post was at 13:05 ----------

It will get easier good days and bad days. Me and my partner just excepts that i will get better slowly and i will most probably will never be cured. My life is reclusive and i am lonely and my only link with outside world is my partner and councellor cause i have trust issues. But im here for anyone who needs to talk or wants get things off their chest. xx

[Jj8]

Thank u so much for your advice, it's making me feel so much better being able to talk about this as I had kept it all inside, I will have to have a think about the medication as something has not been right for a while even when I've had every reason to be happy I havnt been, I just have all these negative thoughts, and bitterness for whats happened in the past, I mean I'm even frightened of having children because I keep thinking something bad will happen and I have a fear of hospitals and that's no way to live as I know my partner would love kids and would make a good dad, anyway at the moment that's the last of my worries! If there is a pill I would take it! xxx

[margrtking]

I just think so much in my life has been diasterous and everything confirms that and its hard to stay positive. Love to us all. x

[sickandtired]

just reading your posts has made me understand my panic attacks are more deep rooted than i thought.i was molested as a child plus i had a very difficult childhood,seeing my mother get beaten off my evil step dad for years....felt like it would never end.
eventually met my wonderful hubby and had three children and should have been happy,but ended up with PND ,bouts of SAD and now panic attacks.i too push him away and shout at him and the kids on my bad days.im also very over protective over the kids,especially my youngest as she is nearer the age i was when i was abused.it only happened the once ,but i,ll never forget it.

[margrtking]

Yes your childhood sounds just like mine. Its horrible that we have been left to pick up the pieces from the mess of our childhood. My father has died now but im left to mop up his mess and i will proberley will never recover. i have had to go to councelling cause i need to offload myself. I have to go to help me as to why i act like i do in my relationship being cold emotionly and pushing him away and just generally not letting him into my thoughts etc. He is always faced with my defensive wall. x I hope you are feeling better now anyway!

---------- Post added at 09:16 ---------- Previous post was at 09:11 ----------

Sorry this answer was to SICK AND TIRED and anyone else it is helpful too.

---------- Post added at 09:17 ---------- Previous post was at 09:16 ----------

Just wondering sickandtired do you suffer from OCD etc too. As we have had similar experiences. I hope you dont mind me asking.xxxx

[Jj8]

Hi there
Sorry to hear u are going though the same thing, I think our problems are very deep rooted, have u tried cbt? I havnt but heard that it's meant to be good, I find it hard to forget about the past and at the moment I'm really hopeless, I feel abit better but I'm just traumatised about what happened to my thumb and my partner keeps apologising for what happened, it was such a freak incident and I havnt told anyone, just can't believe what happened, he keeps saying that he never meant to hurt me and didn't think something like that would hurt me, he just wanted me to stop saying nasty things :( xx

[margrtking]

I think you are like me. I think your angry at what happened to you in the past and you let off some steam by being nasty to your husband. I get nasty, i don shout and hola i just withdraw all my affection and love for a few days.

[sickandtired]

just been to docs,cried like a baby......he was lovely though........given propanolol and im on waiting list for cbt....really want to beat this now.why should i let the demons win :mad:

---------- Post added at 11:41 ---------- Previous post was at 11:35 ----------

ah sorry Margrtking......only just seen rest of your reply.Yes I have suffered with OCD,though im getting better with that......i have a back problem so im afraid i cannot get to all the dust!! :D I also have a crazy fear of odd numbers and i feel the number 4 is so lucky for me.Im forever changing the volume back to an even number if the kids change it.i have an horrific fear of big spiders which makes me wretch,have a fear of flying,though im conquering that.
as for my childhood....i thought the worry would end when my step father died 5 years ago.....but the b****** still gets to me sometimes in my dreams :weep: he didnt abuse me sexually,a stranger did
....but he put my mum through hell and we all lived in fear of him for years.i HATE HIM

[margrtking]

oh dear you poor thing! yes its all horrible isnt it. we are left to mop up after they have died. I was sexually abused by my dad since i was 4 till 15. My mother beat me and they both showed no love or affection,not even a hug. Now i see a rape councellor every week. She is real good.im getting there slowly but i most probably will always be like this now. It is after 30 years that i have gone to get help as i have been with my new partner for 3 and a half years and i dont want nothing to hinder it and i know deep down im not like how i should be in a relationship.Even though he is real good to me and understanding but i think they can only be understanding for so long,so at least im trying to help myself now. The reason i went for help cause i dont know how to love and im confused as how to love someone a man i mean.

---------- Post added at 16:01 ---------- Previous post was at 16:00 ----------

Like you they die but your left with the after marth of it all.

[sickandtired]

oh dear god you have been through hell.I really hope you find some happiness with this man,you deserve it!
at least i had one good parent who loved and cared for me,even though i had to beg her to leave my step dad.i remember being on my knees saying we would never be safe.
even after the divorce he would put the windows through......he broke into our house raped my mum,even threaten to rape me and my dear grandma....the abuse was endless.he actually smashed my grandfathers grave stone and wrote AIDS across it in tar....my dear Grandfather died of a stroke...we think because of the stress he was under worrying about us.
I did get a backbone once i got to about 14.....i chased him down the street with a soda stream gas bottle shouting that i was going to smash his head in if he didnt leave us alone....i dont know where i got the nerve from,but i think i was at breaking point then...lucky for him i didnt catch up to him.
I used to say to my mum,"He,ll get his Mum,you watch....what goes around,comes around" ,it was so true.......he died alone,aged just 55....in a hospice,minus his legs (he had severe diabetes and gangrene in his legs caused by the ulcers/alcoholism)
i should have been glad....but all i felt was anger.we were damaged and that was that.one of my brothers seems to be drinking alot and my other brother loses thousands in the bookies.My Mum has never had a decent bloke and the last boyfriend turned out to be a dirty ******* ,i wouldnt let him near my kids.I dont trust men,apart from my brothers and my hubby,but he gets alot of earache when im in one of my moods.I am quite demanding.I wasnt like this with him in the beginning,i cant fully understand why im being like this now.Sometimes i wont let him near me and he,s done nothing wrong.

[Gemma T]

Sorry to hear how much your anx and depression is affecting you and your relationship. I wouldnt hold it against him at all. Im sure at some point you may lash out (or have). He seems like a good man and very supportive. But even good people can last out. Its not like he beats you and emotional abuses you. It was an argument that resulted in you both hurting each other on purpose. Its no surprise it got a little physical. Alot do. Alot of people smash things up, slam doors etc. All violent actions but no reason to leave a man x x x

[Jj8]

I feel as though I'm at breaking point :( every day I wake up wishing to go back to sleep to take away the pain, I don't really enjoy life any more just don't see a point in anything, I may have to have an operation on my thumb now and my anxiety is through the roof and I hate my partner for what I'm having to go through, he's sorry but I can't help but feel bitter towards him and I don't know what to do I then feel guilty for how I'm feeling and take it out on him, I just feel like ending it all, the health anxiety is too much to handle my relationship is failing and I hate my job and my life I don't know what to do or where to turn :( all I do is argue and resent ppl for how much they've hurt me in the past

[VioletWings]

Hi Jj8,

My heart goes out to you, it sounds like your anxiety and depression is at an extreme low, and I don't blame you, you've been through so much recently. Just know, as long as you are breathing there is still hope, change is possible. It sounds like your man really does love you very much, and the beanbag incident was clearly a human being who'd, for a split second lost his senses due to feeling hurt. It can happen to the best of us, sadly.
The relationship you have with him is valuable, and to love is easy when times aren't so hard, but to love through tough, tough times like you've known is HARD (and I can only guess how it is for you) - but it's a choice, and love (and forgiveness) really is stronger than hate or bitterness. Sometimes you just have to will yourself to do the opposite of what you feel (surprisingly, feelings can form after this)
May you find the direction and peace you need. God bless you,

Hannah x

[Jj8]

Thank you Hannah, your post really helped it made me cry u really understand what I am going through and it give me peace knowing that there are ppl out there to help, I've just felt so trapped by all these terrible thoughts just lately I'm finding it hard to trust my own judgement anymore, I've tried to forgive but then I'll just snap because I'll be thinking about the past resentment, I've just been feeling as though there's no point in anything anymore and I know that's a terrible way to feel because there are ppl more worse off than me x

[VioletWings]

It may be true that there's people worse off than you, but only you know your own pain, so don't beat yourself up for feeling that way. It's hard not to feel resentment when you've been hurt, it really is, but don't give up. I know it's easy for me to say, but if you can shift your focus on how to make things better from here - nothing can be done about the past now, but you can affect things now by the choices you make. And know that God can help you. :)
All the best to you, and feel free to PM me on here if you want to chat or just offload anytime!