Holiday gloom and worries.

[looking4answers]

Its been a few days since I posted. I had an appointment with my endocrologist today to sit down face to face and discuss my pronosis and things she tested me for and out come for my adrenal treatment.She told me it was more for me as she was sure I had tousands of questions. My worry is that when she had a through talk with my dr ,he freaked out and told me we haspd wasted two months about getting to a urologist and getting the kidney thing kplooked into. I took offense to this because I had a long talk with him a month and a half ago about getting another urologist. Well yesterday I got an appointment card in the mail fromthe same urologist and I promply called and told them that my insurance did not cover that urologist but another urologist in the building that actually is a better urologist according to reviews,so I got n appointment with my new urologist nexrpt friday but no thanks to my doctor who woukdnt even call my wife back to discuss what he had told me and let her ask questions. Anyway for the last three days I have had a feeling of impending doom about today so I ditched my endocrologist and decided to cancel buying me more time to not worry but still worry about what she knows.

I have had a few weird days lately. My wife and I designed our tombstone and are making inquires about its production and I have been talking with a funeral director trying to get preneed ideas and get them paid for. He sent me a lot of info but unfortuneatly we have to meet with him and discuss and set up things also with the tomstone maker the same..This all freaks me out really bad.

It being Thanksgiving week I am missing my mom and brother and uncles and aunts that are all gone but at the sametime wondering if ill be here next year to miss them. I even get worried that I wont make it till Christmas. I watched a movie last night about two peoe that were dying with cancer met and fell in love and were so happy but dying really fast. I cryed like a baby. Imagine that a 57 year old crybaby.,.. Anyway im feeling lonley and sad and worried. A bad time of year for all the above.

[macc noodle]

Yes it is a difficult time of year for so many people but you know what, the fact is if you are dying (sorry to sound so blunt but actually we are all dying because that is what happens in the end) then you need to grab every day and try to find small pleasures in what life has to offer.

If I were you I would have preferred to get the actual truth from the consultants rather than planning my tombstone and funeral - no one has said you are dying have they?

Wild horses would not have kept me away from the appointment with the endicrinologist (despite suffering HA and hospital phobia) because I would just have to know what was going on - this constant worrying and imagining the worst will be making you so ill anyway with all the stress you are putting on your body and exacerbating the problem with the adrenalin surges.

I wish you strength and courage to see the consultants and to find out what you are actually dealing with and see what can be done. I am sure that once you have a firm plan of treatment and possible outcomes, you can then move yourself forward in accordance with what you are told.

Macc Noodle
xx

[suzy-sue]

I do agree with Macc on this Michael ..Even if you do have the worst case scenario with the Kidney .Its not a life sentence .Many many people live a perfectly normal life with one kidney .You seem to have sealed your own fate before you know all the facts..I know how hard this has been for you and your wife .But Life sometimes hands you a bunch of crap ..Its also a gift ,thats worth fighting for ..Dont give up on it , its the easy option ..Good luck with the new consultant .Try to make the most of each day and find something in each day to make you feel happy & grateful your alive .You still have a Wife who loves you dearly .Thats priceless , many dont even have that ...Thinking of you ..Luv Sue xx:hugs:

[nomorepanic]

Michael - go and get the hard facts then you will know what you are dealing with.

Please don't write yourself off and plan your own death when that has not been set in stone at all.

[looking4answers]

The reason that I didnt run tipo see the endocrologist is that I have had a bad stomach virus for the last few days and dont feel much like sitting up much the less like going and talking about something that serious. Its coming out at one end or the other and im feeling quite miserable. I really didnt blow off the endo I called ans told them I had a stomach virus and they said please dont bring it here. So they rescheduled me ti next week. The endo assured me again that the face to face meeting was for my benefit alone as she knew that I had many questions and it was easier for her to explsin my questions with visual things not on a phone. Besides im the one that requested her talking to me and she doesnt like discussing on the phone. She also told me that her treatment would consist of checkup every three months and a scan to see if there had been any changes and as far as she upis concerned the kidney was the urologist issue. I mentioned the tombstone issue and burial plans as a type of being proud of myself and facing reality. Three months ago I would never have discussed plans for departing this eart or last wishes. In a way this has forced me to grow up and talk about things that would never been talked about. Ok lets say I live another 20 years,I have already planned everything and made last wishes known but say I walk across the street tommorow and get hit by a bus. My plans are intact eith way and I plan on living as Long as I ca but you never know besides it was a tad bit of pride as I would have never spoken of such things before all this came up. To everyone concerned ill do what I can to live as long as I can but im being smart making last wishes known ,when prior to this I would have never spoken of what I wanted. So there to everyone that thinks I have given myself a death sentence,im not going nowhere any faster than I have to .I will go to the drs but not when im throwing up and stomach cramps and diareah to add stress no thanks but ill go..so no worries

[nomorepanic]

Michael - when I nearly died 3 years ago (and do still feel like I have a life sentence hanging over me in some ways) I made plans to sort my finances out.

I spent months sorting out all my finances and writing a document that detailed all the account numbers, passwords, contact details etc etc and I still add to it now.

If I die then at least Alex can find it all.

This is something we all should do to be honest and because both of us have felt close to death it made us wake and do it!

I still have to write a will - for some reason I keep putting that one off!

Do go back and see the professionals ok?