OCD/Depression

[inlove123]

Im 16 and have had OCD for around 7 months now. It started off confessing everything to my then boyfriend, every past sexual act, everything i'd ever said or done, stuff that caused me shame too. i felt if i didn't tell him it would only stay in my mind forever and ruin the relationship.
I think this is where my guilt OCD started. I would ruminate and feel guilty all the time. As you can tell it only caused more problems. I used to be a terrible, basically a compulsive liar. He was my first boyfriend and I realised that I was such an immoral person and telling the truth and being overly honest was my way of trying to become a better person.

So last month we split up. It has affected me and I am going through stages where I feel I will never meet anyone else, I'm really depressed etc.

My OCD and ruminating caused me to remember some really disgusting, immoral, weird sexual fantasies that I had had up until earlier this year. They had gone on for around 1 or 2 years. I had thought nothing of them and always considered myself a pretty sane person. But after remembering this I realised that it was sick, immoral and I felt so guilty and ashamed. I told my boyfriend because I couldn't stand the feeling inside me anymore. He didn't take it too well... he though I must be some sort of psycho.

Basically everytime we would argue he would call me a creep or a psycho. We ended our relationship because he became distant and told me I had "pushed him away." I still love him so much but he kept saying he was going to go around and tell everyone about me because of how much i'd hurt him. i then lied to him about it and now i feel even worse.

I don't know if he has told everyone, he has insinuated that he has a few times and i am so paranoid now. I lied to him and now I don't think I could ever get back with him because I lied and it would always be on my mind and I'm so angry at myself for it because I cannot supress my guilt. I broke his heart with all this stuff, and now he is angry and hates me. He won't talk to me so I have decided to leave it.

Now I am on my own, I feel down all the time. I go out, socialise, all that but its times like this when I'm alone I just feel so guilty about everythig and feel like I'm going to have to tell my next boyfriend about my perverted fantasies because I cannot keep it to myself. I keep thinking I must be some sort of monster. It isn't a normal fantasy but I know there are people who have done it and this has made me feel slightly better, however I look at people and think "I bet you haven't done this" and I look at them and think how lucky they are they werent stupid/sick enough to masturbate to this and they dont have to put up with these feelings. I know teenagers have so many raging hormones, ive not had a great teenage life either (something happened when i was 12) but I feel like an absolute sicko.

I don't want to reveal what it is but i told my ex that it was intrusive thoughts, that I hadn't wanted to think about it and I hadn't masturbated to it. But that isn't true: When I told him i was basically trying to convey that I had WILLINGLY thought of these things and had masturbated to it and how ashamed I was.

I feel like I have ruined my life before it has even begun. Aside from counselling, what else can I do? I feel guilty and ashamed and disgusted by myself but up until a few months ago I hadn't thought about it and hadn't ruminated over it. I feel like I will a) never get my ex back because of this and because I lied and b) I feel like even if i do get someone else, i will end up telling them this and it will mess the relationship up. I was looking online and people were saying there should be no secrets between partners.

I sound like a maniac in this post, I'm not I am honestly just a normal girl who has gone through some tough times and deeply regrets things. I know now that my sexual fantasy was deeply immoral but I'm always like I can't believe you did that. I feel really guilty all the time and recently it has gotten worse, I honestly don't know why because I was dealing with everything really well. Can anyone give me any advice? thanks

*Also can I add that i did suffer from intrusive thoughts as my previous posts show. That's why I decided to blame it on my OCD intrusive thoughts because I did suffer from intrusive thoughts however my sexual fantasy was not intrusive

[liamsnodden]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation - it sounds like you're going through a pretty tough time at the moment.

I think a good place to start would be with your first point, about lying. Well done for recognising this as a problem and that very fact, that you realise that this is/was a problem and that you have tried to rectify it is a good start. It show's that you have morals and that you are not the moster that you think of yourself as.

If I am reading your post right, it seems to center around these 'fantasies'.

They key word here is that is is a fantasy - everybody fantasises. What you do need to consider here though is what side of the law your fantasies are. Everybody has fantasies and sometimes they act these fantasies out. If you acted the fantasy out and it would be perfectly legal for you to do so, then this may just be a case of you needing to accept that your sexual preferences and desires are not 'mainstream' - but there will be plenty of people in the same boat, so I wouldnt worry about this too much.

This said, if these are things that are on the wrong side of law; it would be a good idea to go and speak to somebody about them, via your GP. It is best to 'nip it in the bud' now, by seeking help and professional advice.

By the fact that you recognise that these fantasies 'may' be wrong, tells me that you are in fact a moral person - the real problem starts when people find their behaviour/thoughts perfectly 'normal', when morally/ethically they are not.

Hope this is of some help :)

[inlove123]

Yes they were the wrong side of the law. At first, I viewed them as just that, fantasies, i never thought anything wrong of them and got on with my life like a normal person. I would never dream of acting them out or anything and even when i thought they were perefectly fine the same applied.

I don't really know why I had these fantasies, or why I elected to, it was just hormones perhaps. I'm really not sure. All i can think is that i have to live with this all my life. I know seeing someone would probably be for the best but I feel like I can't admit it to anyone. I find it hard to accept that I had these fantasies, because they are so against what I would do in real life. Maybe that is also part of it.

I hate lying and not everything I told my ex is untrue, but a lot of it is. Personally, I really want to forget it ever happened but I feel like when I have a partner in the future, i will need to tell him everything and most people in society would frown upon my fantasies, me included, and I don't want to tell anyone. I don't even know why I told my then-boyfriend. I just didn't like keeping a secret and my guilt OCD told me that telling would relieve me of my guilt but, surprisingly, it didn't. It made things worse.

I know now that I am a moral person - the thought of these fantasies now, in my more late teen stages really repulses me but back then it was the repulsion that encourage me to do it, if that makes sense.

I want to forget about it and put it down to being a hormonal teen. I know other people have had similar thoughts and/or fantasies and they are okay with it and others are tormented like myself but I feel like an idiot for telling my boyfriend when I should have just kept it to myself. Now I feel like I will have to tell every partner I have and I don't ever want to tell anyone again.

Would speaking to someone help with that?

[liamsnodden]

First of all, my apologies. I have misread your post and thought these fantasies were ongoing and still happening now. If you dont find that these are sexually stimulating any more, then perhaps you are right and it could be part of growing up.

With regards your guilt OCD and feeling that in future you will have to tell every partner you have, the first thing that you need to learn to do is forgive yourself to stop to constant feeling of guilt. How long has it been since you had these fantasies?

Talking to somebody would help if you have been struggling with this stage.

[inlove123]

I have never thought about forgiving myself but you are right.

I had other fantasies at that time too so they weren't isolated it was just the thought of it was so unappealing that it became appealing. It's just the fact that I elected to have them and never thought anything was wrong with them, but now i realise they were immoral.

When I first got into a relationship it made me ruminate over everything. Now I don't feel like I'm the person I thought I was. I honestly want to forget and get on with life.

I stopped having these fantasies early this year. I'd had them since I was around 13/14 and now they are honestly the most unappealing fantasies ever and I can't believe I had them. I really wanted to be this moral, honest person but I just feel so twisted and my OCD is really not helping things as I can't forget.

[liamsnodden]

Is the OCD just pure guilt for having these thoughts, or is it the fear that one day you might act on these old fantasies?

Hope what I have said so far has been of some help :)

[inlove123]

It really has!

No, I have no fear at all that I would ever act out these fantasies. It was never even in question. It was purely the disgust factor that made me fantasise about it. That actually was a prominent feature in all my fantasies, not now, but back then it was but it is just this one theme that was in my fantasies that I'm ruminating about and so i would say i feel guilty for having these thoughts and having had them as sexual fantasies. Now, to me, it's not right and it's not moral and its just sick and wrong and I wish I had never had them.

It might have been hormones, a lot of people have said that you can't help it but I feel just really bad because it's so against the person i am now.