had my assessment yesterday :(

[Kate21]

I had my first appointment yesterday for my assessment to start the therapy process.
I feel awful! I've been doing a lot better with my confidence around people and strangers, but my thoughts about certain things and my self loathing are getting worse so I guess the appointment couldn't come quick enough.
but the thought of having to go through all my memories that I've been trying to block is unbearable. I know I have to do it but I know how hard it's going to be.

On top of that I've just started seeing a guy which I was happy about until now. He knows about some of my anxiety stuff. but now I don't even want to be around anyone not even my housemates, he was supposed to come round today but I told him not to. The thought of even hugging anyone seems too much now.
sorry about the rant I just feel like I'm full of badness. Why does it take so long to recover from this?? So sick of myself.

[ElizabethJane]

You have made the first steps in the therapy process. I'm not sure what type of therapy you will be having but the 'opening up' process will be at your own pace. I can't imagine a therapist will expose you to emotions that you are not ready to deal with. I have had a lot of therapy in the past and whatever happens in the therapy room will be confidential between you and the therapist/group. You could try talking to this guy or arrange to meet somewhere where you feel comfortable and not forced into physical contact. You might find that you do want a hug from him after all? EJ

[Kate21]

Yes I had therapy years ago in my teens and it was hard. So I think it's the knowing what to expect and how hard it's going to be thats upsetting me.
I think I'm going to have to have CBT. I wanted EMDR as it's helped me in the past but that meens waiting even longer. I tried an online CBT think and didn't get on great with it so a bit dubious.
I have to see this guy tommorow at work :/
thanks for the reply x

[theharvestmouse]

how did you meet someone when you are suffering from anxiety? My anxiety is making it very difficult to meet anyone, I have been single for years now. Even when I have managed to go out and do things my shyness and anxiety makes my chances a lot less than the average person.

[Kate21]

We work together and he already knew about my anx. Plus it's still very casual, I avoided speaking to him at work tonight though :/ then I panicked as it was busy and had to come home :-( I think now I'm starting therapy I should not see him in that way anymore I don't want to burden anyone. I'm not happy enough in myself to expect anyone else to deal with me.
sorry thats so negative.
How are you coping with your anx? Do you feel ready to meet someone? x

[theharvestmouse]

I've just started CBT, I've been ready to meet someone, but I rarely meet people because of my shyness and anxiety, in the past I used drinking to overcome it and it did bring down barriers but it got me into other problems. But now I have stopped drinking and do not socialise I barely meet anyone. I work for myself on my own so I do not even meet people at work. Its making me unhappy that I just have never been able to overcome it and I have missed out on life in the past 7 years. Women are attracted to me but unless I am forced into an opportunity where I will talk to them it will not happen. I'm normally so shy that I just let opportunities pass by.

[Kate21]

How are you finding the CBT?
I also used drinking too, I didn't realise it was a problem until recently so I've cut down a lot. Drink and anxiety just don't go well.
Have you thought about doing an evening class? maybe life drawing/pottery etc or martial arts? I go to college just 3 hours a week and it has made my confidence better. If you did something that doesn't require you to go every week just when you want to it might be good for you and that way you will already have something in common with the people there. It might sound daunting but you can always leave if you find it too hard.
What is it you do for work? x

[theharvestmouse]

Only just had my first CBT session (suppose it was the assessment, but it was good to talk to someone about my problems and I'm hoping that over the course of the therapy I will make some progress. My therapist is very nice and I felt comfortable with her.

I would like to do some evening classes and activities to meet people, I have done some volunteer work in the past but I find it difficult to be motivated. I have to try to do it though because otherwise I'll carry on as I am and it making me unhappy. You are right in that you gain confidence from doing things like that but lately I have been so bad that I do not feel capable of doing much. But as part of CBT you have to do tasks and I think that maybe I'll be almost forced into doing things.

I work as a gardener on my own so although I do interact with customers I don't meet people my own age.

Was your assessment for CBT? are you on medication as well?

[Kate21]

Yeah that's a good idea using something like that for the CBT tasks. I think I'm going to go down the cbt route, she said that if I want the EMDR again it would mean waiting longer.
Thats good you have a nice therapist that your comfertable with.
I met someone else on here that's a gardener and I do florisrty, what a team we would all make! haha :-)
keep me posted on how your CBT goes though as we're kind of at the stage therapy wise x