My thoughts...so many questions

[chappers1980]

The events of the last few days at work, have really made me question everything again, feel like I've gone back to a how I felt a few weeks ago. I'm not sleeping, not eating, shaky, feeling sick.......and the list goes on.

Am I ever going to get better? Have I caused all this myself? Am I really ill? Am I going to lose my job? Does Citalopram really do anything? How will I know? Have I gone back to work too early? Could I have stopped myself getting like this? Why me? Why is life so difficult? Can I have a year of nothing eventful happening? Why don't people understand? Why can't I ignore the feelings like "normal" people? What will happen if I don't go to work on Monday? Will I make things worse? What if I do go to work on Monday, what if I can't cope? What if Occupational Health think there is nothing wrong with me? What if my boss hates me? Why do I feel guilty?.......endless questions wurring round my mind. Endless decisions going round in mind.

I'm trying so hard to be strong for everyone else that I haven't got the strength for myself. My poor husband. I think family are the forgotten in all this. They are living it too. I feel so guilty for not being able to snap out of this. I feel guilty for taking time off work. I feel guilty for what it must be doing to my husband. I feel guilty for waking him up everyday. I feel guilty for being ill....

I wake up sometimes and pretend there is nothing wrong with me, just to see if it makes a difference and if it is just "all in my mind" as if i am just making it all up for attention like people think. Then the adrenaline rears its ugly head and i'm back to the reality of anxiety and depression.

If one more person tells me to stop worrying i will pan them. If it was that simple, I would have done it.

Thank god I'm starting my CBT tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the poor cow has her work cut out. I feel like I'm walking through treacle at the moment.

---------- Post added at 11:15 ---------- Previous post was at 11:04 ----------

Just read this

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3962370/Collymore-voices-depression-battle-on-Twitter.html

Couldn't put it better, this is how i feel.

[pinkdove]

Things are bad just now, i can clearly see this in your post, maybe you have gone back too soon, and there is something wrong with you, you sound to me as if you are not coping, and you have to stop tinking so much about the effects on other people, your husband will inderstand i'm sure, i was exactly the same as you, have been out of work for 2 years, and am starting a new job soon, i don't know how i will handle it, but if it makes me ill again i will go, and straight away, you can put too juch pressure on yourself, this does take time to heal, and maybe you need your gp to reveiw your meds, talk to someone you can trust. and don't be too hard on yourself, you are feeling the same as a lot of people, and it is hard, the last thing you want to hear is pull yourself together, it just can't be done, i wish you well, take the time you need to fully recover x

[Humly]

Dear Chappers. I know how you are feeling. You were doing fine until all the carry on at work and that is what has knocked you back. I am sure that occ health at work will be able to see that you are not making this up, and if they dont believe you then you have got your doc to back you up. When you are in a fragile state of mind the slightest things will have a huge effect on you, so it is not surprising that you are feeling this way. I wish I had some words of wisdom to make you feel better but just know you are not alone. Take care and if you feel the need to get things off your chest please pm me.

[chappers1980]

Thanks PinkDove & Humly

My husband won't let me go back to work tomorrow now until I've seen Occupational Health on Tuesday, he is being so great. You are so right, I feel so fragile at the moment that the slightest thing sets me off so maybe until I've got some coping strategies I should stay away from stressful situations and I probably did too much too quick.

I just need to pick myself back and start again, I guess its all learning. Its all just so tiring xxx

[expecto patronum]

Dear Chappers, I am feeling exactly the same at the moment so I know it must be really hard. Try to be kind to yourself, treat yourself as you would treat a good friend who was ill. I'm re-reading Claire Weekes books at the moment, as they've got me through some tough times before; have you read them? I would recommend them if not, they're really helpful. Take care x

[chappers1980]

My work have finally admitted, they just don't understand the illness. Can't believe in this day in age, a modern organisation can admit that....which is why they've acted the way they have. I think probably this may be good for them (if not for me) as it will educate them on how to treat people. It doesn't mean I'm weak or lazy or just means for a few weeks I may need so time and patience to get myself back up.

I've just got one of Claire Weekes book this last week :-)

I shall update you all once I've seen Occ Health

[pinkdove]

hey chapppers you are so right , they are so ignorant of the illness, and maybe this WILL educate them, take the time you need, and remember this is a real problem that millions of people have, and it takes time, just like a broken leg, or anthing else physical, you are not weak or lazy, your body needs time to heal, so good luck x