lior
27-11-11, 21:58
It's been two years and a month or so since I started on citalopram for depression. I was on them for just under a year. I spent most of 6 months in bed, only doing what I could bring myself to do. Occasionally I might get out of bed to play a game or watch TV. I wouldn't talk to anyone. I wouldn't eat because I couldn't face my cold housemates. I would drag myself to uni and not last the day through. I had overwhelming melancholia come and go since I was about 15 - probably around the time I realised I was bisexual.
I repressed this, since my brother came out as bi to my mother and she reacted badly. Telling my parents was the last stage of my recovery, as I was weaning myself off the pills. Admitting it to myself might have initially triggered my depression but as I came to terms with it I started to get better.
Another reason for my depression, which I can only see in hindsight, was a lack of meaning to my work. I have this need to have a reason for designing anything. Why should I bring something into the world? I morally disagree with mass produced chairs because all the old chairs go to landfill. I refuse to design chairs unless they're bespoke now. I was faced every day with briefs to design mass produced products that people don't actually want, in order to make money. I was training to be in a world where planned obsolescence was acceptable.
I'm free of that now. I moved to another university course which is much more academically stimulating, and I can design according to my own morals. I need to have this moral compass and act accordingly - otherwise my life wouldn't have the meaning it has. I feel valuable to society because I can contribute ideas. I want to inspire people, and make people happier with their lives through design, if that's possible. Most people think it's not possible so I'm hanging out with the people that do.
I've set up a charity scheme in my community and when I've graduated I can connect people in a new way. That's what it's about - not making another pretty chair. Materialism hasn't got us very far in the fulfilment field.
I also have a lovely boyfriend and we're very giving to each other. We say nice things to each other and go out of our way to make each other feel good. We spend rewarding time together in a way I haven't with anyone else before. I live with my family too so I'm much closer to people than I was while I was depressed.
Vitally I'm able to communicate my feelings to other people now, so if I do start to feel bad I have support. In fact I did start to feel bad a few months ago, but when I told my boyfriend about it (by having a breakdown on holiday with him, begging him to strangle me - it was awful) - after that I felt much better. I didn't have an extended period of depression, I just went crazy for a couple of days. I feel happy in my day-to-day life, I enjoy the process of it, all the things I work towards.
Also vitally - I've learnt so much from that terrible experience. I know myself deeply. I've had a lot of time to think about it. I recognise what I'm thinking and feeling. I tell myself 'it's ok Lior, don't worry about it' when I start to run over faux pas in my mind. There's no point in agonising over that kind of thing. Just don't do it again. I probably do it less now that I worry about it less.
I make time for downtime. I don't work as hard as I used to but I create thoughtful work. I'm happier. And that's worth more than being highly productive or making a lot of money. I'm glad I was depressed young - I feel like I've got the worst of it out of the way now.
So just think - no matter how bad you're feeling right now, it's possible to be really happy again. I used to strangle myself with belts and stand on top of bridges, ready to jump, or run in front of cars (which was quite a selfish thing to do - poor drivers). Now I enjoy moments of my life while I'm in them. When bad days happen, I still know I have something to live for. For me, that something is making other people happy.
I repressed this, since my brother came out as bi to my mother and she reacted badly. Telling my parents was the last stage of my recovery, as I was weaning myself off the pills. Admitting it to myself might have initially triggered my depression but as I came to terms with it I started to get better.
Another reason for my depression, which I can only see in hindsight, was a lack of meaning to my work. I have this need to have a reason for designing anything. Why should I bring something into the world? I morally disagree with mass produced chairs because all the old chairs go to landfill. I refuse to design chairs unless they're bespoke now. I was faced every day with briefs to design mass produced products that people don't actually want, in order to make money. I was training to be in a world where planned obsolescence was acceptable.
I'm free of that now. I moved to another university course which is much more academically stimulating, and I can design according to my own morals. I need to have this moral compass and act accordingly - otherwise my life wouldn't have the meaning it has. I feel valuable to society because I can contribute ideas. I want to inspire people, and make people happier with their lives through design, if that's possible. Most people think it's not possible so I'm hanging out with the people that do.
I've set up a charity scheme in my community and when I've graduated I can connect people in a new way. That's what it's about - not making another pretty chair. Materialism hasn't got us very far in the fulfilment field.
I also have a lovely boyfriend and we're very giving to each other. We say nice things to each other and go out of our way to make each other feel good. We spend rewarding time together in a way I haven't with anyone else before. I live with my family too so I'm much closer to people than I was while I was depressed.
Vitally I'm able to communicate my feelings to other people now, so if I do start to feel bad I have support. In fact I did start to feel bad a few months ago, but when I told my boyfriend about it (by having a breakdown on holiday with him, begging him to strangle me - it was awful) - after that I felt much better. I didn't have an extended period of depression, I just went crazy for a couple of days. I feel happy in my day-to-day life, I enjoy the process of it, all the things I work towards.
Also vitally - I've learnt so much from that terrible experience. I know myself deeply. I've had a lot of time to think about it. I recognise what I'm thinking and feeling. I tell myself 'it's ok Lior, don't worry about it' when I start to run over faux pas in my mind. There's no point in agonising over that kind of thing. Just don't do it again. I probably do it less now that I worry about it less.
I make time for downtime. I don't work as hard as I used to but I create thoughtful work. I'm happier. And that's worth more than being highly productive or making a lot of money. I'm glad I was depressed young - I feel like I've got the worst of it out of the way now.
So just think - no matter how bad you're feeling right now, it's possible to be really happy again. I used to strangle myself with belts and stand on top of bridges, ready to jump, or run in front of cars (which was quite a selfish thing to do - poor drivers). Now I enjoy moments of my life while I'm in them. When bad days happen, I still know I have something to live for. For me, that something is making other people happy.