PANIC STATION
01-12-11, 14:06
Somewhere around the age of seven i became acutely aware of my death. A real nothing after thing ! No heaven and only hell in every passing moment from then on in . Initially the fear was on my own mortality but then developed into the realization that my grandparents then parents would go before me leaving me alone in what i saw as a frightening world. It all spiraled into a blur of loss,fear and isolation. How can a child interpret this madness and convey it to those that love him and can help. Like so many of us i carried this into adulthood and only then does the happy childhood and family gradually become an illusion.
I’m now nearly 60 and the rumination still goes on every minute. Like others on this forum i realize how iv’e lived in a bubble to keep the world at bay. I live alone and run my own business alone though i do have friends of 40 years standing i keep all relationships at arms length. Trouble is it’s all unresolved and i’m next to go and the real world is breaking into mine so the rumination intensifies in the hope of an answer. Well my parents are still alive with dad at 89 and mum 86 so recently i took the chance to tell them the whole story as to why i became shit at school,hated everyone, and stole money. A family outsider !
It’s when you do this that you gradually discover that your whole family is like it. Suddenly so many screens came down between us as the common fear was shared. Suddenly iv’e been given the chance to save my family. Somehow we must all get our fears to the outside but make your family your church if like me you are lucky enough to still have them or people around you that you see as family. Cutting through the psycobabble i personally have found that mortality, our ego's and inability to see there is no god in our image is the bitter pill we try hard not to swallow and the common vein that makes up the bloodline feeding our hopelessness and inability to live in the moment. We all waste so much time praying to gods when really the truth lie's between all of us not them. They are our scapegoats Can't think who said it but here's the quote. ( IF MAN EVER DISCOVERS THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE HE'S GOING TO BE MIGHTY DISAPPOINTED TO FIND HE/SHE'S NOT PART OF IT ) Living without fear is a tough cookie! But it’s an effort we must make to the end.. I wonder if the planet we stand on shakes at it's demise! maybe that's what earthquakes are! It's the poor old globe saying BUT WHAT ABOUT ME !!!! I'M FEELING F!!!!D TOO !!.
I’m now nearly 60 and the rumination still goes on every minute. Like others on this forum i realize how iv’e lived in a bubble to keep the world at bay. I live alone and run my own business alone though i do have friends of 40 years standing i keep all relationships at arms length. Trouble is it’s all unresolved and i’m next to go and the real world is breaking into mine so the rumination intensifies in the hope of an answer. Well my parents are still alive with dad at 89 and mum 86 so recently i took the chance to tell them the whole story as to why i became shit at school,hated everyone, and stole money. A family outsider !
It’s when you do this that you gradually discover that your whole family is like it. Suddenly so many screens came down between us as the common fear was shared. Suddenly iv’e been given the chance to save my family. Somehow we must all get our fears to the outside but make your family your church if like me you are lucky enough to still have them or people around you that you see as family. Cutting through the psycobabble i personally have found that mortality, our ego's and inability to see there is no god in our image is the bitter pill we try hard not to swallow and the common vein that makes up the bloodline feeding our hopelessness and inability to live in the moment. We all waste so much time praying to gods when really the truth lie's between all of us not them. They are our scapegoats Can't think who said it but here's the quote. ( IF MAN EVER DISCOVERS THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE HE'S GOING TO BE MIGHTY DISAPPOINTED TO FIND HE/SHE'S NOT PART OF IT ) Living without fear is a tough cookie! But it’s an effort we must make to the end.. I wonder if the planet we stand on shakes at it's demise! maybe that's what earthquakes are! It's the poor old globe saying BUT WHAT ABOUT ME !!!! I'M FEELING F!!!!D TOO !!.