anxiety/depersonalisation - weird and hate it!

[rachel1980]

hi all

so ive joined this site as i think im going mad... i just wanted to share howi feel becuase noone understnads me and if i hear pull y ourlsef togetehr and get on with it, theres nothing wrong.. when im trying so so hard i think i'll scream and express my anger at the people i care most about

Ive suffered from what i can only describe as terrifying periods of panic since 2003. most recently the worst bout meant i started taking setraline two years ago, was on 100, reduced it to 50 over the summer 2011 but then increased up to 75 after 6 weeks of r&r after surgery when i started to feel spaced out and couldnt think straight... i never really got back on full kilter, i then moved into my own flat and for the first month was fine but then started waking up mid night in panic, which quickly spread to feeling intense panic all day, foggy head, not able to think straight... i reduced the dose to 50 mg about two weeks ago, had 3 days where i felt ok, and then bam this week has been awful, like im dreaming, im scared, paniced, dazed and confused... thing is now im not sure what to do... stop taking the pills or increase the dose up to 100 again... i just want to get to a point where i can function - i loose my train of thought quickly, wonder if i have spoken when i say something, its like im totally numb inside, i feel like im disapearing, i cant remeber the last time i had a thought that wasnt related to panic, i have no idea how im holding down a job at the minute, every day seems to last for a week, and i feel like a rabbit in head lights... constantly, a few collegues have commented that im jumpy, one asked if i was on drugs (she knows im taking setraline) which i just found infuriating, but also very worrying because surely i must have been acting really strangely... or maybe im just being paranoid and they just thought i was a bit more tense than normal, not mental like i think they must be thinking...

im not looking for advice on what to do meds wise, im just wondering if anyone has experiecneed weird sensation reducing a dose of meds, and found increasing them back up makes them work better? my doctor seems happy to write me persciptions willinilly and i just want to be drug free....

[nomorepanic]

Hi rachel1980

A huge warm welcome to nmp.

You'll get loads of advice and support here and make some lovely friends along the way.

Best wishes

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi and welcome to NMP :welcome:

Paige x

[lauz_lea]

I've tried being drug free a couple of times and I wish I hadn't but hindsight is a wonderful thing. Starting all over again is very hard (especially since I stopped taking my med and it was working perfectly well).

I would suggest talking to your GP but from personal experience (on Seroxat), whenever I felt the way you have been, I upped and felt fine again within a week - but it's a different AD and everyone reacts differently (as we all know already).

Also, have you changed anything else recently? There are other things that can make you feel this way. I don't always react well if the house is being painted etc

[rachel1980]

well, ive moved in on my own... which im finding quite intense, all i seem to do is work then come home and speak to noone, work and come home.. im not sure if maybe i started to feel weird on the 75 becuase it wasnt strong enough anymore, as maybe i was becoming more anxious without realising, can that happen on meds? if you become more anxious they arent able to stop that?

seriously anxiety, well any mental health issue, is the hardest thing to cope with, people who never experience it have no idea how lucky they are!!

[mikewales]

If you dont feel the meds are helping anymore, go and talk to your doctor and see if they either suggest upping the dose, or changing to something else. People can build up a resistance to certain meds, and then they dont work nearly as well, so a change to another one can make a big difference.

[nicola1980]

Hi it sounds like your changing your dose alot? If u r then your seratonin levels will be all haywire, u need to stabilise on a dose so you levels r right and it takes 4+ wks 4 your body to settle on a dose, id go and spk to your doc x x

[Patsta]

Hi Rachel1980,
I have to agree with Nicola1980 on this one, you need to regulate your dose of meds, if you were feeling good on 100mg, then go back up to 100mg and stick to it. I certainly understand how you feel having suffered on and off for almost 10 years, there have been times when I've been drug free, but quickly go back on them when I start to feel anxious again. It is a vicious cycle with our train of thoughts, especially when we are home alone....I don't work and although I have plenty to do at home (5 kids still living at home) I find myself falling into a rut because I am home alone. If I am out, whether its just dinner with friends or even shopping and talking to people, I find I feel a whole lot better.
Try and find yourself a hobby, that gets you out of the house, or go out with friends for drinks or dinner, anything that gets your mind of how you are feeling, that combined with increasing your meds back to 100mg, you should start to feel better again in no time at all!
Good luck and take care:D

[lauz_lea]

Being alone and having little or no social interaction certainly doesn't help, I know, I've been there. I got a cat which helped a lot cause it gave me something else to focus on and I found brushing and stroking her very theraputic. She used to wake me up nagging for breakfast which meant that my first thoughts of the day were not about how low or anxious I felt. She was more like a dog hat didn't need walking :)

Are there any local courses or hobby groups you could join, or a local support group? It can feel like a big scarey step so maybe you could try teaching yourself something, something new to focus you thoughts and attention (I taught myself to crochet which was a godsend). A friend of mine is currently doing flower arranging in the evening, she finds it very theraputic - a year ago all she could do was sleep all day.

First though, sort out the dose of your meds - allow it to adjust and work (something else that is easier said than done).

---------- Post added at 08:45 ---------- Previous post was at 07:30 ----------

Just had another thought - when I lived alone for the first time my landlord let me redecorate (nothing costly, just fresh paint, new curtains etc). I made my flat my own little santuary. Somewhere I felt relaxed and calm - somewhere that felt like my home.

It can really get you down if your surroundings don't make you feel cosy and f you feel that your home doesn't reflect you.

My living room and bedroom where my favourites - they were soothing shades of deep reds, pinks and oranges so that when the lamp was on in the evening it felt warm and cosy, but not dark or dim. It also gave me a project to concentrate on.

Thinking to recent events, I've also been nagging my husband for ages about redecorating our current home - it's full of woodchip and I detest it. I recently re-vamped and decluttered my bedroom so that I would have a room I could relax in to go to sleep. We also started on the kitchen and bathroom. In hindsight (which is a powerful thing), this is definately me wanting to create a santuary where I can relax and feel at "home" after a busy day at work.