New here but feeling at home...

[hj]

Hi,

So pleased to have found this site and realise I am not alone or going mad. I finally admitted 3 weeks ago that I have health anxiety and sought help from the doctors. I think mine started since having my daughter (4.5yrs now)- although initially all my fears were about her health they have moved over the last 3 years or so to my own health and a tremendous fear that I will get some terminal illness and have to leave her behind before she is grown up. Up until recently I have just had episodes where I have had a symptom - panicked for a couple of days and then had to see the doctor - doctor has dismissed my symptoms as nothing serious and I have lived happily ever after until the next episode. I didn't think my behaviour that unreasonable as I had concerning symptoms e.g. lumps, pains etc but since a breast cancer scare in March where doctor didn't dismiss me and referred me for mammogram/ultrasound etc I accept my reactions are a little extreme. Googling during that anxious waiting time self-diagnosed me with inflamatory breast cancer - quite rare with the poorest prognosis. I was a wreck for the week and had convinced family I was going to die. I held it together enough infront of my daughter but was useless the rest of the time and have to phone in sick for work etc. A couple of weeks after the joyous news that I do not have breast cancer I find a lump behind my ear. I make myself wait 2 weeks but google constantly - I have cancer or something else horrible. Doctor has dismissed it as a small swollen gland. I did tell him though that I appreciate I have a prob with health anxiety and he prescribes citrapram 20mg.

I am taking these and go back tonight for a progress chat. Not sure I feel better or not - my anxiety didn't lift like normal when he said lump is ok - I still feel frightened. Maybe because he really thinks it could be something and will investigate if lump is still there tonight (it is by the way) or maybe because I didn't mention the sore throat - strangled feeling I was getting - I thought it was anxiety and expected it to go with ear lump getting the all clear. Throat is still here and worse feels like a lump is stuck in it now - feel reassured by this site saying it is a common symptom - problem is I can see a physical lump at the back of my throat and have touched it and there is a lump. I know it is not normal to stick fingers to back of throat to feel lumps - but guess I am not normal. I am so hoping my throat lump is ok and my ear/neck gland is ok and so want to get better and stop feeling like this. I feel that by taking the first step and admitting I have health anxiety I am now saddled with it - before it came in episodes now it is with me all the time - will it ever go away? I want to have another baby - clock is ticking but I am a mess.

Apologies for ridiculously long post - have lurked for a few weeks - finally decided to post and it has all tumbled out...
love h

[whatisitnow]

I can so relate to that dispair you are feeling all the time. I too have noticed the episodes of anxiety getting closer & closer together & they last for weeks. Sometimes with as little as a day relief inbetween, when i slightly feel its all been in my head. When you have kids to look after it makes it almost unbearable but you have to hold it together for their sake dont you.
Just to let you know that little lump behind your ear i had a few years ago, it lasted a few weeks in all but was only a swollen gland, i got it checked by the doc. i didnt stop checking the damn thing & always swore it had grown! but i dont think it had in all honesty. I have an amazing ablility of parts of my body looking and feeling swollen when they arent. Its taken years of practise mind you! [8)]
Your doctor is almost certainly wanting to see you to check on the meds you have been given & the way you have been feeling. When i was given meds a couple of years ago, within a day i had bad side affects & had to stop taking them. The meds for anxiety & depression can sometimes take effect amazingly quickly which is usually a good thing!:)
Let us know how you get on. Am interested.
C xxxx

[whatisitnow]

Oh and by the way, its a classic that you eventually stop believing the doctors reassurances. Just good to hear that you are getting some help to overcome it, because im sure the longer it goes on the worse we end up feeling. This anxiety thing is a cruel manipulative barstward thats for sure!:D

[hayles]

Your in the right place.
My panic attacks had huge gaps between them.....like 2 years.
But since my last attack in November i have suddenly developed Health anxiety.....oh how fabulous!

Now it is still with me, it is alot better then it was as am not quite as hysterical, but still take my self off to the docs at every little slightest thing!

Am getting married in 5 weeks and am desperate for a family, but i cant even consider it at the mo, am so frightened of passing my irrationalities down to my children....

Oh the joy!

Hay x

[whatisitnow]

Can understand where your coming from there. My youngest daughter (age 9) seems to have inherited it. My older sister is the same & our mum was even though she doesnt like to admit it for some reason. But atleast if you have been through it you can help them in the future. Our mum just says she never felt like we do, which is i think because she thinks that will help more but it doesnt lol

[hj]

Hi - thanks for all your replies. It is really such a cruel illness. I am sitting here tonight thinking I am lucky in some respects though - doctor is great. He has said that he thinks medication will only get me so far and that as soon as I come off them I will slip backwards as he sees me as an anxious / worrying person - (says it is part of my make-up). He has suggested referral for cbt to give me strategies to cope with anxiety and to help me stop my compulsions to check for lumps etc - but I have to wait for an appointment to see if i am suitable. Think this sounds like a good idea. He said the fact I recognise I have a prob and that i know my syptoms are probably anxiety is a good start. He was pleased I waited 3 weeks to go back with my throat - to be honest although it was very hard to wait I was also frightened to go back and look stupid. Throat still feels lumpy but he did check it and say my throat was normal. As for my neck he also said he has a lump in his neck and has had it for 20 years (since med student). I should only worry if it changes suddenly... I still feel a bit anxious but will take it day by day. I am going to try and eat well, avoid alcohol for a bit - think with citrapram even a glass or two of wine is making me more anxious.

Wonder if I will ever be free of this shadow? I want to get back to normal, have another baby etc but think i am probably not in the best place to do that at the moment. Hate the fact that it is my stupid thoughts that are making me sad. I don't feel depressed - I am not unhappy - just want to enjoy my family and have a good life. (don't want much do I?)

going to beat this... anyone had cbt by the way?

hope you all have a relaxed weekend
love h

[anxious]

hi hj,

welcome :) Glad you got on at your doctors ok, i take 10mg citroplam for the same reasons as you. I'm glad to know (in a wierd sort of way) that i'm not the only one who admits to sticking their fingers down their throat looking for lumps.
What are we like?

anx

Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects