mat
10-12-11, 23:55
Won't go into my motivation (stupidity lol), but about (almost) 3 years ago, I had a bad trip on mushrooms (72gr of fresh cubensis if that tells any of you something). Hell of a ride. And that day, some little thought voice in my head was saying "You're now insane, you won't sober up.". Next morning I was still quite messy, next weeks even. But all in I was sober from the next day on, with the exception of occasional flashbacks. No good for a naturally anxious mind like mine.
What didn't go is the continuous fear of going crazy. More crazy then i was that day. And to this day I feel like something is "wrong". The following year (I haven't counted the days though), almost every day i got panic attacks. Thinking I would totally lose it, or had lost it already. Strange experience they were, sometimes felt like my skin was shrinking together and I couldn't breathe, couldn't understand what was happening to me. I was afraid to leave the couch or even open my eyes most of the time. The panic attacks felt worse than the bad trip that started all this.
In desperation I went to my psychiatrist and asked for something to get this away. I got prescribed risperdone. No effect from that (sore throat and clogged nose, but nothing psychological). Then sertraline, which did make me tired and have more panic attacks. Knowing it might aggrevate symptoms first few weeks i sat through this (being the stubborn ******* I am, this didn't get me down, but dunno if i recommend it to anyone, it was crazy). Several months into the treatment I had developped twitches and was tired all the time. Besides the tiredness not allowing much panic, I did not feel it helped me a whole lot. So I quit. It was good to be awake again.
Nothing lost though, cause by that time, from the chaos I came to realize it was indeed more just plain fear and not truth in the crazy thoughts that scared me (I "knew" that all along, but feeling it is true, is a long way from that). I could see attacks coming. Also i usually knew that it would end. Except in the midst of a panic attack, of course. My frustration also grew, and that wasn't bad.
Due all the above, I started to think things like "NO" and "SHUT THE **** UP" when I'd see my thoughts snowballing together to some doom scenario. I even got really angry with them sometimes. And I would force myself to focus on whatever I was doing before I started panicking. This worked miracles. Over the next few weeks and months I got more confidence I could stop
Now two years have passed, with maybe 3 or 4 panic attacks (not one as intense as the first ones), and some, I was able to get out of them. Which made them a rather positive experience, reassuring myself I could regain control.
That all said, this isn't a miracle strategy probably, the most important things to me were:
- Be frustrated/motivated enough to really do shit, rather than convince yourself you are. The thoughts that calm you down need to come with more power than those that make you panic, or they'll drown.
- Realize it is anxiety, not going insane or having a heart attack. (before the panic attack occurs at least).
- See the panic attacks coming.
Those didn't just appear, it took time, and stubbornness.
I know this is radically in conflict with what some (even very qualified) people say. Many say fighting thoughts only empowers them. It certainly does if you fight weakly. But if you fight hard enough you win, I sincerely believe.
Not sure how and when I will get rid of the mild day to day anxiety that follows me... It seems harder to get rid of, cause it doesn't make me go "THIS MUST STOP NOW". Not yet anyway. I wish it did stop right now though :(. But hey, I'm miles from where I was a few years ago now :).
I didn't post this in "success stories", cause I'm still slightly anxious most of the time, I'm only halfway there.
What didn't go is the continuous fear of going crazy. More crazy then i was that day. And to this day I feel like something is "wrong". The following year (I haven't counted the days though), almost every day i got panic attacks. Thinking I would totally lose it, or had lost it already. Strange experience they were, sometimes felt like my skin was shrinking together and I couldn't breathe, couldn't understand what was happening to me. I was afraid to leave the couch or even open my eyes most of the time. The panic attacks felt worse than the bad trip that started all this.
In desperation I went to my psychiatrist and asked for something to get this away. I got prescribed risperdone. No effect from that (sore throat and clogged nose, but nothing psychological). Then sertraline, which did make me tired and have more panic attacks. Knowing it might aggrevate symptoms first few weeks i sat through this (being the stubborn ******* I am, this didn't get me down, but dunno if i recommend it to anyone, it was crazy). Several months into the treatment I had developped twitches and was tired all the time. Besides the tiredness not allowing much panic, I did not feel it helped me a whole lot. So I quit. It was good to be awake again.
Nothing lost though, cause by that time, from the chaos I came to realize it was indeed more just plain fear and not truth in the crazy thoughts that scared me (I "knew" that all along, but feeling it is true, is a long way from that). I could see attacks coming. Also i usually knew that it would end. Except in the midst of a panic attack, of course. My frustration also grew, and that wasn't bad.
Due all the above, I started to think things like "NO" and "SHUT THE **** UP" when I'd see my thoughts snowballing together to some doom scenario. I even got really angry with them sometimes. And I would force myself to focus on whatever I was doing before I started panicking. This worked miracles. Over the next few weeks and months I got more confidence I could stop
Now two years have passed, with maybe 3 or 4 panic attacks (not one as intense as the first ones), and some, I was able to get out of them. Which made them a rather positive experience, reassuring myself I could regain control.
That all said, this isn't a miracle strategy probably, the most important things to me were:
- Be frustrated/motivated enough to really do shit, rather than convince yourself you are. The thoughts that calm you down need to come with more power than those that make you panic, or they'll drown.
- Realize it is anxiety, not going insane or having a heart attack. (before the panic attack occurs at least).
- See the panic attacks coming.
Those didn't just appear, it took time, and stubbornness.
I know this is radically in conflict with what some (even very qualified) people say. Many say fighting thoughts only empowers them. It certainly does if you fight weakly. But if you fight hard enough you win, I sincerely believe.
Not sure how and when I will get rid of the mild day to day anxiety that follows me... It seems harder to get rid of, cause it doesn't make me go "THIS MUST STOP NOW". Not yet anyway. I wish it did stop right now though :(. But hey, I'm miles from where I was a few years ago now :).
I didn't post this in "success stories", cause I'm still slightly anxious most of the time, I'm only halfway there.