is it wrong to want to give up?

[Em.ma]

I'm having a hard time at home at the moment. I suffer from HA mainly and the fear of death.
I can't put up with my dad anymore. He keeps making comments in a really saracastic voice and then laughing "why are you sitting there looking like that, wth do you think you have hyperthermia etc" but he wont except ha is a mental health issue- he just tells me to suck it up and i will die one day.
He never speaks to me otherwise. i say good night to him, for example, no reply. today he came in and took my orange juice from the shelf and said why cant u bring it down after u finished. it was three quarters full and i was drinking it and i said that but he just slammed my bedroom door shut.
I hoover the house every day, clean the toilet, bathroom, cook/wash up dinner 3 times a week and tidy my room every evening- bring every thing like glasses down. He leaves his urine on the toilet seat ugh and uses the excuse of "im male"
i said to him yesterday "are you cooking tonight or would you like me to" and he snanpped and said i never do so why dont i. you cant even find a job he said-
ive filled in over 30 applications and got no response from one yet. i tried to explain its different now and im trying but he wont listen.
my mum treats me like im 8. she says things like "give mummy and kiss my little girl" in a way you would try to soothe a crying child when they hurt there selves. she says i dont HA and ha doesnt exist.
I have NO friends. today at college everyone was handing out stuff and i went to say goodbye to someone i thought was my friend and they just huffed and turned the other way. I got kicked, spat on, called names, had my hair pulled, punched when i was 11. im 18 now and i cant even speak to people my own age. when i walk past people they all whisper still at college and call me "bush frizzy girl" as my hair is naturally very frizzy etc.
my mum deosnt realise how much work i put into my a levels and says i dont need to work at home all for them.
I know this is all petty silly stuff and not a real problem. am i selfish to feel so upset because i feel it.

---------- Post added at 17:52 ---------- Previous post was at 17:48 ----------

also a few days ago when my friend was speaking to me still. i left my friend with my laptop and they singned up to a silly over 18 adult site and was saying really horrible to things people and put the webcam on. you can "broadcast" your self on there. im worried they they censor it and ill get in trouble as its on my pc.

---------- Post added at 18:18 ---------- Previous post was at 17:52 ----------

im extremely nervous bout the last point

[medtrans1067]

What exactly is HA? Please, please, please, do not give up!! There are a lot of people on here who you can talk to and get advice from. You are not alone. I will ponder on your post, put my thoughts together and will write to you later. Until then :bighug1:HANG IN THERE!!!

[Em.ma]

thanks so much x
its short for health anxiety :)

[NoPoet]

Your dad sounds like he's got a cucumber up his arse. Your mum sounds lovely, but taking a childish attitude with you beyond your childhood years can be unintentionally destructive to your self confidence.

To want to give up, especially in your tough present circumstances, is not weak. It's human. But you've made it this far despite having someone effectively bullying you. What kind of therapy are you having.

[Mindful]

Oh dear, you really are having a rough ride :hugs:

I wish i could say or do something to help you, where abouts in the UK are you? ( You dont need to answer that if you dont want to :)) Id love to offer you are real life hug and shoulder to cry on. :bighug1: << I am loving this cuddly emote atm :p

[Em.ma]

Thanks every body. Haha i like the emote to:yesyes:
I'm from southern England :)
:bighug1:

[theharvestmouse]

No its not wrong to want to give up, I have days like that, a lot of them recently.

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, some people come of age after their teens and feel more comfortable in themselves. Keep going and don't listen to your father, he sounds horrible.

[Mindful]

Im in the west, i often wonder how many people right here in my town are suffering with anxiety, must be more than just me, not that i wish anyone had this. But it would be nice to have some real life interaction with someone who knows how it feels.

---------- Post added at 19:56 ---------- Previous post was at 19:55 ----------

PS :bighug1:

[Em.ma]

Thanks.
Im scared i dont have the rest of my life ahead because my "friend" was "trolling" on the web the other day.
I'm 18 now and i want to be finanically responislble for my self and i cant be grr.

---------- Post added at 19:57 ---------- Previous post was at 19:56 ----------

Im in the west, i often wonder how many people right here in my town are suffering with anxiety, must be more than just me, not that i wish anyone had this. But it would be nice to have some real life interaction with someone who knows how it feels.

i agree. i have ONE friend whos on this site and she understands and is brilliant :) she doesnt live to far from me. I live in the east lol in a city :)

[Mindful]

Thats great that you made a friend from here, especially one that lives local.x

[Em.ma]

Thanks yes it is. Honestly dont know what i would of done otherwise without her :) x

[goldilockz]

Hi Emma,

First of all, here's a hug: :hugs:
I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. A lot of people, especially older people who have not experienced mental illness or anxiety, tend to think sufferers are just being dramatic or overanalysing or something and that such difficulties can just be brushed away with a 'pull your socks up' or 'life's too short for worrying'. Just because they haven't experienced it doesn't make it less real. Your dad sounds a little ignorant if I'm honest. He's not being supportive of you in the slightest, maybe you could let him know that he's bein insensitive or hurtful towards you. Your mum seems to think you're a little girl and that yourr problems aren't real, they're just the tantrums of a child. In fact, health anxiety is a very difficult and real problem. Your mum sounds a bit more receptive than your dad so hopefully she will understand you're not just making it up.

As for the bullying in college (which is essentially what it is), that's awful. Is there a college counsellor or someone you might be able to speak to about this? From what the bullies are saying about your hair, I bet you are absolutely beautiful. Be rest assured that bullies never pick on plain uninteresting people, only people who are striking. I used to get picked on for my 'frizzy ginger' hair. It took me a long time to really appreciate what I've got: gorgeous red curls that many a hairdresser has gasped at in delight. Don't let the b*stards grind you down xxx

[duke246810]

can i just say goldilockz that was a brilliant reply, i couldnt have said that any better myself! your a very strong girl emma, and youve taught me loads on here, dont no what id do without to quite honestly :) xx

[goldilockz]

Thank you Duke, that's very kind of you. I think we've all probably been in situations where someone didn't understand and it can be really horrible when people suggest that very real problems that often affect our lives in a major way are 'all in the head' or 'you're just imagining it'. Hope you're ok Emma x

[Horse]

Emma.

What I am about to say may help you a little.

I have suffered Anxiety for roughly 45 years. I am now 57 and it all started when I was about 12 or 13 years old. I never claim to be an expert at anything but one thing I will say is that I do know Anxiety inside out.

I've had it all, HA, Social, Panic, Agora/Claustrophobias etc., etc.

One thing that all these have taught me over this period of time is that as well as trying to cope with these, our second biggest problem is having to deal with the people who do not understand our illness, many of these are of course our family!

Sadly, the rejection that we get from these people can be just as crippling as our Anxiety in itself, as well as hurtful and emotionally upsetting.

It would appear judging from what you have written, that you Dad is not the most easiest of people for you to get on with, and may I say in all due respect that it sounds as though he has one or two issues of his own!

The fact that you are in an environement that is seemingly unsympathectic to your malaise, would I fear not help you in the slightest.

Therefore, you have to be strong, or should I say, stronger than you are already!

Some people (especially men) will feel little sympathy for us. They believe we should just 'pull ourselves together' or 'snap out of it.'

It is sad and regrettable that their ignorance and lack of knowledge of mental illness can lead to so much disharmony within relationships and more so, inside the family home.

Unfortunatelly, psychological problems can strike anyone at anytime, something which non sufferers should do well to remember!

Just for the record, I have two failed marriages thanks to my Anxiety.
The amount of verbal abuse I have endured from my second wife in regards to my illness, was beyond belief and still something which cuts like a knife!

There are days when we sometimes see no way out and therefore our mind will turn to darker thoughts in order to ease our suffering and pain. However, this is no answer!

I for one have been there. I've lost count how many times I have stared at the Devil face to face. Each time I have won.

Over the years, I have suffered Emotional, Psychical, extreme Verbal and Sexual Abuse. I'm still here and I intend to be for a long time.

One thing you have to constantly remember is that YOU are a very important person with as much right to be here as everyone else!

Your Dad's lack of compassion is his problem not yours! I know you have to put up with that but so what! Don't forget that we can handle Anxiety so therefore handling other people is a piece of cake right?

Our illness is a weakness but inside we are unbelievably strong because everyday we deal with it.

You may find it a good idea to plan your lifestyle so that you are well prepared for other people's sarcasm and therefore make them realise that you are NO walkover anymore.

By the way, with Christmas coming, why not pop into Mothercare and buy your Dad one of those toilet training potty things! It may just help with his 'aim'!

May God bless you.

Horse.

[Em.ma]

Thank you everyone. I don't have time to write a long reply but your words mean a lot to me thank you :)

[carefree68]

Ahh Hun Please Please don't give up. There is an awful lot of support on here, I know its not the same as having family support but an awful lot lf what has been said makes sense.

You are young with so much to give, look ahead!

Good Luck

[worried 101]

hey there. I'm really sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time,but just try your best to hold in there...after your a levels are you planning to go to uni?i think that something like that would be brillient for you, having your own space and meeting more like minded people like you (not like that friend of yours that posts silly things on websites!)You sound like a very hardworking lovely girl and dont deserve the crap you get from your dad and deserve some fun!i would seriously consider uni if you havent. you dont need to feel silly at all, you seem like you are having a really hard time, and maybe its time to talk to your mum?tell her you dont want to be babied, that you are an adult and you need her advice. I wouldnt worry to much about the troll thing...i think they would have got in touch with you straight away if there had been any problems, they most likely would just delete the messages fom the site.dont worry.hope everything is going a bit better for you and have a great christmas.xxx

[Em.ma]

Thank you xx

Uni- yes im looking forward to it! :)
but as i wont have 3 a levels (i messed up AS year big time) at the end of this year i have to do an extra year at 6th form but hopefully ill get there.
merry christmas :D

[snowgoose]

hi Emma :)

Want to wish you a very peaceful lovely Christmas ......and above all a worry free New Year Emma .
It is so hard I know :hugs:.............but keep up with your studies and keep asking the docs for some therapy to help your health fears .
Also dont feel that uni is the only way to move on eh ? I know you would like that and are working towards it ........but you have other skills and if it is not possible re finance or exam grades .........heck Emma there is other work or further education that will inspire you believe me . You can and will find your path .
Keep looking around for courses that interest you ......google [not health ones though !] .
Ignore the heating bangs and creaks etc if you can .........and I believe you will have a very good 2012 if you let it .
big hug :bighug1:
snow x

[Em.ma]

:bighug1:Thanks for your post really helped a lot. I will be keeping up with my studies xx and hopefully ill get to uni fingers crossed
I was doing well today until i just heard a scratchy loud sound from the boiler damn it.
after the chainsaw sound its been making it just worries me now.
Merry christmas and i hope 2012 is good to you.