scouse
16-12-11, 20:20
well i have been on medication for about 3 years or so i think on different ones at the moment i just take one but i feel like i am just swallowing it and nothings happening, i have severe anxiety and depression but i take no meds for depression as i have not told my doctor yet that i think i suffer from it again but i am going to make an appointment before christmas, well for about a month or so now i got a random thought/feeling out the blue that i dont love my girlfriend we have just recently got engaged too and been together for just over 6 months and it hurts me an worrys me to were i feel sick sad upset and makes me cry and scared because theres no reason why i wouldnt love her theres been nothing bad in the relationship besides silly arguements where we end up being with eachother but after a few mins we make up its kind of childish and stupid because they are over little things that mean nothing, but now when they happen which is hardly ever now it makes me feel down and makes me wonder is this why i feel like this ? but its not but it reminds me of the silly arguements and makes me upset she is the best thing to ever happen to me in my eyes i have only had one girlfriend she is amazing shes cute loving supportive caring nice funny shes everything you could want, now it makes me cry and upset when to think i dont love her when i know underneath this big cloud of anxiety and depression because i get little good feelings but i know they wont last because i will get thoughts coming in my head just popping in that i dont want there, even an ex keeps coming in my head i have no feelings for anyone in my past i dont miss them or nothing things remind of being in that relationship because that was my true love at the time but obviously wasnt little small things remind me oh ye i remember this and that and i dont wanna remember them or want something to come up and make me remember them, its all unwanted thoughts just coming in my head and because i am asking my self why is this happening i dont want these thoughts in my head because they have been happening so strong for a month or the unwanted thoughts and feelings seem true but i know there not but they seem true because they are constantly there and i cant be happy with anything but i am still fighting but its getting so hard now even when i say to her i love her i get a feelings as if am lying etc but am not so it makes me upset ya know if i didnt love her i wouldnt wanna see her kiss her or be with her and i still want these things and always will want these things i dont even watch much telly because if a nice looking girl comes on the telly suddenly shes in my head and i dont want this, even songs if a word gets said or a few words instantly thats to do with me thats how my mind is like something like lost you etc etc its like am gona lose her or i wanna lose her its really really annoys me but also makes me so upset even saying all this its like i still feel as if i dont want her but i do i really do, i need meds that can make me happy and better meds i think and something for depression not just anxiety i am on a waiting list to see someone in a group called inclusion matters they have a site if anyone wants to look or make an appointment with them, does anyone feel they have the same problems as me ? or have had them and had got better, i love my amazing beautiful future wife i say this on the end of everyone text, getting emotional now because it hurts so much and annoys me that i am having to put up with all this crap i aint a bad person why is this happening? i am 23 i have had suicidal thoughts but i know there stupid and i aint done nothing nor will i because i am still here but i do feel like going asleep and never waking up but i realise what i am leaving behind and leaving people in pain, i hope this group i am going to can help me :( thank you
had to add a bit because i remembered a bit more, even going on buses and girls come on i feel under pressure not to look at another person i dont want this i wanna be able to look and think nothing of the person ya know this is every day of life, even get feelings that i dont like my girlfriend when i do, get feelings i am gona lose her etc, this is the main problem i have loads of others but this is the main one, its like if one problem isnt bothering me as much there will always be something else
had to add a bit because i remembered a bit more, even going on buses and girls come on i feel under pressure not to look at another person i dont want this i wanna be able to look and think nothing of the person ya know this is every day of life, even get feelings that i dont like my girlfriend when i do, get feelings i am gona lose her etc, this is the main problem i have loads of others but this is the main one, its like if one problem isnt bothering me as much there will always be something else