Just a rant from a mental scared person...

[rapidhopeloss]

A few days ago I woke up and thought I felt a bit better..Not anymore.
I am a mess,again,as always.
I am really truly going mental.
I do not know who I am, At all, Which scares me. Sometimes my family feels unfamiliar which feels me with a sick feeling. I am thinking none stop,all the time.I live in my head..and yet if i find that I havent thought about who i am/How I control my body for a moment,I freak out as I feel like for that moment,when I had no anxiety or scary thoughts that I was a robot....

I want to be how I was a few months ago, but I am just a prisoner now. Full of fear all day every day. Question everything. I can't do ANYTHING without thinking all the time.

I feel shaky and dizzy...I am on edge all the time... I have to FORCE myself to even have a shower,I am that scared all the time! I managed to pop to the shop earlier, but I spent all the way there in my head and being scared. I can't even make sense of what I am so scared of anymore :( I am scared of looking in the mirror as I don't feel like me, my reflection doesn't feel like me...

It's christmas soon, and I am dreading it. Which isn't like me, or who I used to be anyway. I ADORED Christmas...I would be counting down the days in November! But now I just want it over with because it's another day where I have to pretend to be normal,and I'm not...I am insane..

I do not believe this is anxiety/depression like I have been told by a few people. Surely this is something else? I have had anxiety from a very young age, but nothing at all like this! My doctor prescribed me 2mg of Valium, it took me a week to get the courage to take them.... I was secretly hoping they would help. They didn't do a thing at all :(

I keep thinking I would be better of dead, rather then living in this confused,scared,anxious head...

DOes any of this make any sense, to anyone?? at all? because it doesn't to me.

[Mindful]

Yes it makes sense.

If you are mental then budge up and make some room for me on the mental bench because i can relate to everything you wrote!


I wish i could wave a magic wand and make it all go away, for you, for me, for everyone trapped inside their own mind, their own fear of the fear of the feelings and thoughts.

I cant though.

I can assure you that you arent alone.

I can offer you a cyber shoulder to lean on. A friendly voice, all be it through text on a screen to let you know that everything you feel and think are felt and thought by many many others.

I can assure you that YOU are still very much there, the you that wrote this post, the you that wants to be back to how you used to be, that is YOU. You are buried beneath anxious thoughts and feelings and your mind is tired, its tired of fighting, being bombarded day after day.

Its time to let the fear be. Let it hit you with everything it has. I can assure you that it hasnt anymore to give than what it has already hit you with. There is nowhere else for it to go now.

So, you have two choices now.

You can worry, you can try to fight it off, you can sit anxiously waiting for some miracle to occur to magically take you back to the you, you yearn to be..... or

You can accept you have this nervous illness, you can accept every thought, every feeling that a nervously ill person feels and stop fighting them off, you know deep down that it is anxiety. Its so tiring to keep fighting dont you think?

The thing with nervous illness is that we want it gone NOW .. of course we do!

The mere fact that we are so desperate for it to go is exactly what fuels it to stay.

Accepting means being prepared to ride the tide of panic-anxiety-fear- thoughts-feelings and anything else that it brings, its one heck of a ride. But, as time passes and with acceptance, the fear starts to fade away.

:bighug1:

[lou597]

you just described exactly how i was a few months ago after my first panic attack. I felt lke this for months, and then one day it just all went away (i dont take medication). I must admit i fear it coming back, and if it does i will be prepared to fight it off again. Keep the faith, keep yourself busy, excercise, talk to people, get assurances off your doc etc etc. It WILL get better, i promise you.

[rapidhopeloss]

Thank you both of you...Your replies made me tear up..I just feel so lost and alone, And yes I am very much depressed at the moment but that is all down to the anxiety and being scared ALL the time.

I battled with anxiety for so many years when I was younger, I was agraphobic at the age of 16 until 18..and I fought my way through it all...I started living a relatively normal life..Of course the anxiety was there at times,it never totally went, But it was manageable and I could deal with it within minutes and not think about it for the rest of the day.

I have never ever had it this bad, I don't even think it is anxiety,I seriously 100% believe I am losing it.

I mean,I just read both of your lovely replies,and I felt so happy and relived that I wasn't alone. Then within minutes, I Was thinking and thought, well..they don't feel exactly the way i do, How could they? so yes,they have anxiety,But I am just losing my mind... So Now I am down again! Urgh..It seriously is a nightmare.

I have talked to a doctor, Well...Tried too, all I got was her saying my mind was overactive, so she put my paroxatine up to 40mg and gave me some valium which is apparently used to help calm the mind. pfft.. the 2mg didn't touch me. I have talked to a few members of my family,who have said its depression and anxiety...A few didn't really understand.

But,I myself can not believe it is. I feel amazingly trapped and its just..well, a nightmare.

But thank you both Lou and Mindful... Merry Christmas to you both xx

[Mindful]

You arent losing it, you are overwhelmed with all the thoughts, its easy to think the worse when your mind is full to the brim with negative fearful thoughts. But, here you are typing away on a forum, making perfect sense, putting together a whole post with no spelling mistakes, no grammar errors. You managed to read our replies, a person losing it would surely not be able to function enough to read, digest and reply?

---------- Post added at 22:18 ---------- Previous post was at 22:14 ----------

Just to add- you know sometimes we have to hit the bottom before we can start that long climb back up. You say you had this before but never as bad, you say you could deal with it quickly and move on and go about your day, but heres the crucial part, you say the anxiety was always there! It never left because somewhere you still feared it. Somewhere between then and now you started to focus inwards, you got back in the cycle of looking inwards and fearing every thought and feeling. I am guessing you already know this. I think a gentle reminder cant hurt though x

---------- Post added at 22:31 ---------- Previous post was at 22:18 ----------

This part of your post hit a nerve with me
I mean,I just read both of your lovely replies,and I felt so happy and relived that I wasn't alone. Then within minutes, I Was thinking and thought, well..they don't feel exactly the way i do, How could they? so yes,they have anxiety,But I am just losing my mind... So Now I am down again! Urgh..It seriously is a nightmare. Signs of an overwhelmed tired out mind if ever i saw it. Your initial thought was one of happiness and relieved, that was YOU. Then quickly the self doubt came in. Your mind is flipping from one thing to another, i do this myself when i get caught up in the inward thinking game.It happens because your mind is so tired. You are not losing it, trust me, i have been where you are many many times and i am still here, i havent gone mental once x

[theharvestmouse]

There are times when if I told a doctor my thoughts then they would say I am insane, I think about things that no-one else does, its weird. I remember being convinced a while back that I was living in a world like the "Truman Show" film, because it felt like people would look at me differently, like they knew what was going on in my life, of course its absurd but I believed it.

Another time I was looking in the mirror for ages and i thought I could see the devil in me, and thought that I was possessed and thats why I have bad thoughts.

[Poke]

I've been having some intense thoughts lately that have made me feel completely down. I feel like nothing at all is real. It is scary and I've tried to mostly stop fighting it. Sometimes when it attacks, however, I find it difficult not to fight but it helps. I feel depressed. These thoughts are making me so depressed but reading this topic has given me a shimmer of hope.