Wow. I don't actually have a single reason to live.

[dubiousduck]

I don't know if I even do have social phobia or whatever. Or if there's even anything wrong with me. But right now I feel ... really bad, and I think it is linked in some way to my social 'problems'.
I haven't left the house for two weeks. Or roughly two weeks, I don't even know how long it is since the end of my school's term. It's not like that's the longest I've stayed at home without going out for. But it's like... I don't even want to leave the house. I can't think of any reason to. I just want to lie around all day and not do anything. Everytime I go out I just feel so ugly and vulnerable. So to be honest, choosing between staying in my house and feeling lonely and pathetic, or going out and feeling like everyone is looking at me and thinking about how stupid I look, and not even being able to go places on my own, or buy anything, because according to my twisted logic people will judge me... Well. It's not a hard choice.

But I feel dead.

Because not ever doing anything, being ... not afraid to leave the house, but kind of apathetic about leaving the house, just... wishing that I could undergo some magical change... That's not being alive.

I came up with two reasons this morning (well. It wasn't the morning. I woke up at 3 in the afternoon) for me to live.

1. One day I might find someone who loves me
2. I could become a sucessful artist.

And then I came up with a thousand reasons which cancelled out those two, such as: I'm too ugly for anyone to ever love me; I have so many different personalities, most of which are not even very nice... I'm self absorbed, selfish, melodramatic, callous, obnoxious, insecure...I'm just a fake; I'm too shy to make it in the art world; I can never be bothered to practice...

And of course there are other things which will ensure I have no future ahead of me. I mean, I'm pretty sure that to succeed in life you need to be brave enough to say, buy a bus ticket or talk to somebody on the phone who you don't know.

I wish I could cry or something. I mean, part of me wishes I could just die. That's not a good thing. But I feel nothing about it. I just have a heavy weight pressing against my chest, blocking all my feelings from escaping. In short, I feel depressed. The stupid thing is, I know that this feeling will go. It's always coming and going. But even when I feel a little happier, I'll still have to live with the fact that I don't have a life. Okay, so I have two good friends. But it's not like I ever do anything with them. And I feel like I just annoy them with how insecure I am.

The one thing which has set this all in stone for me is the fact that a sort-of-friend of mine is having a birthday party type thing in a few weeks. And I want to go. I want to go so that I can have a good time, and be normal, and maybe the one guy I like will see me looking a little less ugly than I normally do at school, and he'll realise that maybe there is more to me than what he can see on the surface. But I can't go. Why? Because I just can't. Because I'm a pathetic little coward.

Nobody will read this. It's way too long. I'm sorry. But still. Normally I'm so socially inept I feel too shy to even post stuff on the internet, so, at least I managed to do this I guess. And anyway I just wanted to get this out.

[zombie]

Nobody will read this. It's way too long. I'm sorry. But still. Normally I'm so socially inept I feel too shy to even post stuff on the internet, so, at least I managed to do this I guess. And anyway I just wanted to get this out.

I've read it..:)

Belive it or believe it not you're treading a well worn path. Lots and lots of people have the exact same feeling you're having. When we get down many of us do exactly the same thing, we roll up the proverbial "Shutters" don't want to do anything, see anyone, feel that there's no point in living. But there's a BUT and a big BUT... There's a part of you that know's thats not how life should be! I'd guess that's why you've posted here.. So there is light at the end of the tunnel, it might only be a flicker at the moment, but it is there...:)

When you feel really down it can be very, very difficult to talk to those closest to you. You need to go and see your Doctor, rest assured he will have seen many many people who are struggling like yourself, he may suggest medication, or otherwise, but simply talking to someone will help.. Honest..

The trick is not to dwell on it, you'll come up with a 1000 reasons not to go. Don't think about it, just do it.

Take care
Z

[dubiousduck]

I've read it..:)

Belive it or believe it not you're treading a well worn path. Lots and lots of people have the exact same feeling you're having. When we get down many of us do exactly the same thing, we roll up the proverbial "Shutters" don't want to do anything, see anyone, feel that there's no point in living. But there's a BUT and a big BUT... There's a part of you that know's thats not how life should be! I'd guess that's why you've posted here.. So there is light at the end of the tunnel, it might only be a flicker at the moment, but it is there...:)

When you feel really down it can be very, very difficult to talk to those closest to you. You need to go and see your Doctor, rest assured he will have seen many many people who are struggling like yourself, he may suggest medication, or otherwise, but simply talking to someone will help.. Honest..

The trick is not to dwell on it, you'll come up with a 1000 reasons not to go. Don't think about it, just do it.

Take care
Z

Aw, thank you... (: I guess I do have a faint belief that maybe I have something to live for. If I didn't I probably wouldn't even be here today. I just don't know what it is. Maybe it's the fact that I do still have a small hope that maybe one day things will get better.

I don't really have a way to go and see a doctor at the moment... I have talked to my mum about this before, but she doesn't want me to see anyone. Supposedly I'll just be passed off as someone who is totally insane, be given loads of drugs which won't even help me, and become unemployable. ... I don't really think that's what will happen, but oh well. -_- It's not like I can go and see one on my own, because I live in the middle of nowhere and I would be too scared, haha. And I normally end up convincing myself that they would think there was nothing wrong with me...

Anyway, I'm just creating more problems, so I'll stop. Thanks again for your nice reply (:

[zombie]

You're welcome..

Just bare in mind that when you're feeling down it distorts your thinking and the way you rationalise things.

"Supposedly I'll just be passed off as someone who is totally insane, be given loads of drugs which won't even help me, and become unemployable."

Just in that one little sentence you've made assumptions that are based on "What-if's" not facts. First off you mum, doesn't know what's going on inside your head. Unless you've actually told her.. I'm assuming you haven't so only YOU know how you feel.

The doctor will absolutely not thing you're insane, far from it. If you've taken the time to go and see him/her, they will realise you need a little help and support, there's no shame in asking for help when you don't feel unwell. EVER.

He won't give you lots of drugs that won't help. He will give you what he thinks will help you. ( it might take a little time to work or find the right one, but they will help)

Just think of it from what have you got to lose? You're feeling rock bottom now, so even if it helps just a bit, it must be a good thing..

Keep yer chin up..
Z

[mikewales]

You know they reckon 25% of people will suffer from some sort of mental health problem at some point in their life, normally needing some meds. If every one of those was written off as mad and unemployable, the economy would collapse, and jeremy kyle would be on 24 hours a day.

People often need some help, just to give them some space to sort themselves out and get back on top of things. One thing I can say is that you will almost certainly find someone who loves you ( very few people go through life never finding it ) and whatever you want to make of yourself career wise just depends on the effort you put in.

[potato11]

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Need-Your-Love-Approval-Appreciation/dp/0307345300

Byron Katie : I need your love - is that true?

bit of bed time reading for you :winks:

[theharvestmouse]

dubious duck , i know it probably feels like its hopeless but its not and you can have the life you want, but its not going to be easy, its going to take effort, determination.

First step is to do something about your situation, there is help out there, seek it and it will help you.

Many artists have suffered from mental illness but they have still produced some great artworks, so take heart from that.

[dubiousduck]

@Zombie I have told her, but I think I must just fail at explaining things XD. Still, I might try again explaining things to her, because I would honestly do anything just to be happy, and I'm not going to be able to see anyone if I can't convince her.

@mikewales Jeremy Kyle 24 hours a day. ... That would just be... *shudders*. Anyway, thanks for your reply (:

@potato11 that book looks interesting, I might have to buy it I think o:

@theharvestmouse Thanks for taking the time to reply... I might try and get some kind of help sometime. There's a girl I know who told me she sees a therapist a few weeks ago, so maybe I'll ask for her advice.
That's true about artists.... That's actually the one positive thing about my situation. I wouldn't have any compulsion to draw if I didn't feel so terrible XD I mean, my dad is an artist, and he happens to be bipolar o.O The only problem is that I tend to lose my motivation to do anything at all when I feel this way -__-


Anyway, thanks again everybody for all your help, it's very useful :) I hope I'm not being too annoying by coming up with stupid excuses to not take your advice. XD

---

I hope this is a normal way to respond to multiple replies o.o

[Danath]

I also read it all.

I think you have a lot of ingrained beliefs that have probably built up over the years as a result of people telling you they are true. I think you could do with some therapy to help you realize whats true and what you have just been made to believe by some factors causing you to believe these things, I'm sorry if that doesn't make much sense, I can't quite get across properly what I'm trying to say, but I know that this sort of talking treatment helped me, no i'm by no means cured, but it really helped me break some beliefs I held about myself that were similar to the beliefs you have about yourself. And you have to remember, thats what they are, beliefs not facts. Please just make a burst of effort to get that help, I think it could really do you some good :)

Take care hun.

[Anxious_gal]

http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/

A good place if you need extra support

---------- Post added at 06:12 ---------- Previous post was at 06:04 ----------

Also go see a doctor , do what you need to do to make that happen.
You mum refused to take you to get help , that makes me so angry and sad.
I guess some times parents choose to ignore mental health issues n tell them self it will pass or it's not that bad.
But it's not about them it's about you , you have the right to be listened to , to get all the help you need.
As you get older you'll learn you some times have to help yourself as people sadly don't always know what's best for you .