I'm losing it

[IJ25]

Hell everyone. This is my first post here, been a member for a while but really feeling the need to let my feelings out.

I have very bad social anxiety. I'm 21 years old and it is completely destroying my life, has been for the best part of 6-7 years. I constantly become anxious in even the most minor social encounters, with the major problem being sweat. My face literally just starts melting, it's disgusting and incredibly noticeable. I went to University last year with pretty high grades to study Law and dropped out within 2 weeks, immediately becoming depressed with my inability to integrate the way others around me clearly were (and also noticing how easy it was for them). Nothing to do with the course or finding it difficult, completely down to me being a depressed anxious mess.

I then proceeded to take a year out. Now I come from a pretty successful background and despite coming out about my feelings my father wasn't exactly supportive. I could sort of see and feel his embarrassment towards me and knew immediately that I had to rectify it. He could sort of tell for a while that I wasn't "normal". I wasn't very social and had become very reclusive. I tried over the year to get help, went to a councillor, took anti-depressants (Fluoxidine, which accomplished sweet **** all) but despite all of that, all the cognitive therapy. The sweating, the anxiety just doesn't let up. It's there, constantly.

Anyways, I went to another University in September. I got off to a rough start with some seriously anxious moments in my first tutorial and even the tutor brought up my sweating, in front of ****ing everyone. At that point I was done attending, and have since missed far more classes/lectures than I've attended. As a result I've not even handed in the CW and am set to fail. Can't even motivate myself to do the piece due in January, because there's no point, what will it really accomplish?

I don't want to face up to my parents again and I'm just lost for options, it's like there's no way out for me at all. Anxiety has torn my life apart. The sad part of it is, growing up I was pretty charismatic, was always one of the more social kids in school and anything but shy. Now I'm quite literally a shell of a person. I have no social life at all, never had any sort of relationship with a girl at all and now the one thing I felt I had left, my education is all but destroyed too.

For the first time in my life I'm really considering ending it. And I NEVER would have thought of that before because I think suicide is the most selfish, atrocious act any human being can commit. But I'm not Religious and am just finding less and less reason to wake up in the morning. I go to bed hoping I don't wake up, that's not healthy.

Anyways, not even too sure why I'm posting this. More to just write my feelings down, which is easy behind a keyboard. Sorry to put you guys through the chore of reading about my pathetic excuse for a life.

Edit: Sorry if posted in the wrong place

[snowgoose]

Hi IJ :)

So sorry to read you are feeling so low. But am glad you typed your message to get help here . You are not alone with this hell any more . Lots of us :hugs:

I think you need to get back to your doctor asap .......ask the receptionist if there is one in your practice with interest in mental health and ask for double appointment so you have time to explain what is so troubling you.
Further different meds and counselling and more CBT wil help you recover honest.
RE the sweating which must be so distressing for you .........I am wondering if propanalol could reduce this . This is a beta blocker drug that dampens down the physical symptoms of anxiety eg the racing heart etc . I am sure other members here will know more who find it very useful . Not addictive .

I understand your dark thoughts . Remember to ring the Samaritans if those thoughts get too far ok ? :hugs:
You are tired and exhausted it sounds ..........so these thoughts creep in .
But you have not ruined your future no way ........you are young and will recover with time and support I promise you .

just one more thought ............if you find it difficult to tell doc how you feel ..print this post off and give it to them to read .

let us know how you get on .......and there is the chat room for company and advice also here .

snow x

[theharvestmouse]

Hi IJ,

firstly you are just 21, and trust me thats young, my anxiety started at that age as well but unlike you I denied it for 8 years, so you are already being very brave in posting on here. You are tackling it now and thats the best way to do it, the hardest thing is when you admit its a problem.

I know how you feel because I've been there, I suffered similar experiences when I went back into education and it can be very miserable. But you must believe me when I say that there is help out there for you and no matter how bad it feels you can overcome this. There must be meds and other things that can help the sweating. You must go to your GP and seek their advice, if you are not happy with how they treat you then see another doctor, because explain that its ruining your life.

Don;t worry about the uni thing, if you quit then so be it. You need to try to sort your problems out first before anything. You can always go back to uni, its not the end of the world, I know it might feel bad but you have a long time ahead of you to sort education/work out.

Try to focus on sorting out the anxiety, seek the help you need and then try to rebuild from there. I know how bloody hard it is, and at times I like you have thought the darkest thoughts that I never would have believed I could imagine. But I try to say to myself at those times, I can never give up because life is worth more than that. I will beat this and so will you.

Good luck and don't think you are alone, you're not.:)

[WillyB]

I really feel for you, I can completely understand how depressed you are as I've felt the same way.


I got off to a rough start with some seriously anxious moments in my first tutorial and even the tutor brought up my sweating, in front of ****ing everyone.

This actually infuriated me, what a disgraceful Tutor. I cant offer much advice but I will say that do not give up for feel like all is lost right now. You are still young and can achieve so much. I recently dropped out for similar reasons and my friend wrote to me and said, 'Dont worry man, Uni inst everything. Dont look back and think about what you live for.' This really opened my eyes. I hadnt thought about what I lived for, for years. I just existed. Although things arent great right now with me, im taking his advice and really looking for what I live for. Im not even sure what that is right now but know there is something, and I'm living for it.

Stay safe buddy, and stay confident that change will come.

[abs]

I completely understand what your going through, but don't give up. I'm a 23 year old female and before I had anxiety I had a huge group of friends, I was out all the time, enjoying life and now I have basically no friends and I spend most of my time alone watching films or with my Mum. It's quite sad because I used to be a social butterfly and used to have heaps of people around me, but the way I see it is that it will pass and i'll be a better, much stronger person because of it. The people that buggered of when I got sick obviously weren't true friends anyway. So stay strong, there are others out there going through the same thing. You need to go through dark times to experience the light. Believe it or not, this could all lead you to a great place in the future. If your going through hell keep going! Adele X